Reality Strikes- DH confessed too much last night. Now I get it.
Wow. Last night I had to swallow my tears (and pride) DH and I were talking alone about so many things that needed to be brought up (and honest)
I never gave him my Word.doc that I had banged out yesterday but did bring up a few of the topics that gave back an amazing 'new' perspective of my DH. (I don't like what I am hearing.)
We talked about the harrasment and drama that BM just continues to bring on to everybody but herself. DH is just sitting there blank and saying to me, "How am I going to live with this woman in my life for another 13-15 years?" (That would make him 57 years old) DH goes on and on to say, "I might just have to let SS5 go." I of course was asking him how and why he could do such a thing.
"Are you just going to give up and allow someone that insane to raise your son?" DH replied, "I CAN'T raise my son with her causing such psychological damage to SS5 and everyone else."
I said to him, "SS5 IS NOW saying that BM is taking SHOWERS with him at age 5 1/2. Why are you not calling CPS?" DH: "They won't do anything. She will have them completely fooled as always, she has won every court battle, etc.."
Okay, am I wrong here for getting upset about DH doing nothing about what his son said? That is beyond sick and I actually do believe him. BM still sleeps with him and he does not even have anything but a CRIB in his room still. I also can tell that SS5 is now being brainwashed into who to talk to, who to hug and to say, "I don't remember" when asked the basics of what he is doing during his week, etc..."PAS"- Completely and totally with a dad who is so weak he wants to give up.
NOW, DH said this, read it carefully, it is hard to "feel" this through words...
"I don't even know why we are moving if SS5 is not going to be with us as much."
THAT made me tear up. Why? Do I not matter at all here? Am I not worth moving to a nice, new, and safe place? I had always thought that ss5 was the REAL reason for the move. Not me. I was right all along.
DH tried to quickly back that up after seeing my eyes tear up by saying, "I mean, why are we moving there then?"
My reply was, "As opposed to where?" No answer.
This all really, really hurt me bad. It appears that DH had some fantasy about moving, imagines MWC as the (fill-in) mommy, daddy carts off to work a mile away and MWC was to be at home 24/7 for his son, 2 WEEKS A MONTH. Meanwhile I told him that both HE and BM are the PARENTS and instead of dumping the kid off on everyone but themselves should take FULL responsibility. Right?
I am in shock today and can't even get to my deadline because of all of this new revelation that came to light.
I failed to mention that DH is scared of paying full C/S and giving up SS5. (Makes me wonder if he thought he was free of obligation and thought he had a free nanny to boot?) Not so DH and BM. Get with the program. I understand that I am not "enough" now for DH to want for a nicer place, it was ss5 all along with the free nanny.
Quite an imagination.
On a side note, after
On a side note, after reading a few of the other blogs/ posts I am also realizing that both DH and BM are going back and forth arguing and "fighting" just like lovers who can't let go.
They might be divorced BUT if they were truly and honestly over each other they would not STILL be going back and forth on everything, day after day; playing 'games.'
I honestly feel that they should just live together again and fake it for the kid or even just work it out.
The only "seperation" is the fact that they go to sleep nightly under seperate roofs.
I am just being for real here. It hurts.
Hugs MWC. I know you love
Hugs MWC. I know you love your dh, but truly honey, I am not sure he can fully commit to you. Sounds like he can't even fully commit to his kid.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I have completely
I have completely "disengaged." SVS~
I felt really guilty at first.
What do you think about what he said about the move?
(good to see you love)
About the move, he probably
About the move, he probably really meant that he was moving for SS5, BUT I know you guys are limited to location because of the custody situation, so I wouldn't absolutely close off the idea that he may have considered a different move at maybe a different time to a place that would make you happy. It is hard for me to say MWC. I don't know your dh, but I feel like you're just so unhappy. I know you resent SS sometimes, but you also care about him. It is evident that many of your issues stem from the lack of concern BOTH of his parents have for his feelings and his place in this unfortunate situation.
My dh loathes Wingnut, but he is smart enough to see that leaving the kid with me when I resent having to watch her isn't what is best for me OR his kid. Your dh can't see that. I feel like he is being very selfish in wanting the kid at your place but not wanting to be the one to take care of him, but not wanting you to have enough say in raising him. He wants everything his way. I can't say what drives that, but I can say that you're progressively unhappy with the situation and it stems from the fact that you're always last after ss, bm, etc.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
What do you mean by fighting
What do you mean by fighting like lovers do? Can you give an example?
If he can't fully commit to
If he can't fully commit to his 1st kid, what in God's name would it have been like for lil Sofie?
(makes you think, and look up)
Oh GiGi...they are
Oh GiGi...they are constantly bickering back and forth like teenagers in H.S. It is unreal and takes up a majority of the days.
Do you honestly feel like
Do you honestly feel like your DH still loves BM? Sometimes we confuse emotions because we ourselves are emotional.
I know you have been going through a lot lately and that's why I ask. Sometimes I honestly feel like your DH doesn't know if he is coming or going. Sometimes he wants 50/50 now he is saying to give the kid up, etc.
And I know that BM isn't necessarily all there either. Which makes your situation that much more difficult.
As for the move, you guys should go ahead regardless. Could this be one of those things that he said without thinking? I'm not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to see the other side.
GiGi, thanks. I wanted to
GiGi, thanks.
I wanted to believe many things lately but, there comes a time when ones bubble must burst.
Yes, he meant what he said about the move. One thing in life I have a gift for is (sadly) empathy and the ability to tell the truth from a lie.
I've had many people in life try to lie to me but once you look deep in their eyes, you can see much.
(hard to explain.)
If a man is willing (keyword) to give up so much time in arguments and bickering over the most trivial topics to his ex instead of spending quality time with his 'wife', there is a major problem.
It is all he talks about.
On a side note, would you want to move with someone who had not put you on the top of the reasons why? I can manage a place myself, easily. I had/ have more monies before this mess.
Yes, he is scared of having to pay full C/S and wanted the 50/50 thinking MWC would provide free daycare all summer long.
Anytime So he is coming
Anytime
So he is coming home and complaining about BM from the time he is home til he goes to sleep. There needs to be a change in that. FH will come home and maybe say a few sentences and it ends from there. Maybe DH is just extremely frustrated with all areas of his life right now and feels like as his wife he should be able to confide in you.What he doesn't realize is that you want your husband to be focused on you sometimes and not all that other mess.
I read your posts and it seems like you are just more and more unhappy. Is this how you really feel? Do you honestly want to throw in the towel? I feel like you should be enjoying yourself right now because you have raised a great child and you are still young. I feel like your DH is an anchor right now and you want to break free but aren't 100% sure.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I "used" to be worth so much
I "used" to be worth so much more if you guys had any idea.
Why am I even here? I'm not suicidal or anything but wth am I here?
I can't keep fooling myself and feeling sorry for everyone but me?
I can relate. I hear you. At
I can relate. I hear you. At least you are here; HERE on this forum. It is so hard to bear these feelings sometimes.
Greenfig~ Thank you for
Greenfig~ Thank you for understanding and yes! it is tough.
I am trying hard to fix this but it seems I need to look out for me for awhile.
I tried it all. I see literal dogs get more in life. I'll never understand why things are as they are at times.
Thanks again!
( love the cat pic!)
(((MWC))) - sending lots of
(((MWC))) - sending lots of hugs your way
I have been through similar issues with my DH and his baggage. I transferred to a new city after only 1 year on a job in order for DH to be closer to SS (age 6 at the time). I wasn't ready to move from a small town to the suburbs, but I made the sacrifice for DH. Did it change anything in terms of the visitation? No, DH never saw SS any more than he previously did (still EOWE). My DH also experienced YEARS of emotional grief with BM - 16 years with me and another year before I came along. My DH has felt the same things your DH does now - whether it's better to "give up" - not give up on SS, but give up on the situation b/c of BM. My DH wanted to spare SS the horror of watching his parents fight and argue over everything, so he bit his lip and kept his mouth shut more times than he should have (IMO). After years of keeping quiet he finally had enough and we fought for custody. It was expensive and emotionally draining. My SS lived with us for less than 1 year. As much as we wanted to undo all the bad that BM taught him, we couldn't. But on the bright side, now that SS has returned to live with BM he is finally starting to realize all the damage that she has caused to SS, DH, DH's family (me & biokids), her own parents (SS's grandparents), etc...
Would you like for DH to go for full custody of your SS? If so, then you will no longer be able to disengage. You will need to work with DH to be partners in parenting. Will you be able to do that? (If BM could get weekend visitation, then maybe you could rejoin some of the groups that you have been missing out on.)
Is is possible that DH isn't putting your marriage first b/c he feels like you have withdrawn? When I disengaged from SS (right after he left our custody), I felt that it directly affected my marriage. DH interpreted disengaging with not caring anymore. Not true, I just wanted the responsibilities to fall on the right shoulders (not mine). I have remained disengaged for a while now, but it has taken a long time to get DH to understand exactly how I feel (same as you when it comes to financial support, taking care of SS, etc.).
You are special. Don't let DH get you down. He seems to be very distracted with his thoughts and feelings about SS. It doesn't mean that you are any less important.
JustAnotherSM- Thank you. I
JustAnotherSM- Thank you.
I had a vague memory this morning of what I was 'feeling' before I agreed to marry DH...
I remember sitting outside and thinking, "This guy worships his kid." It almost looked unreal how he was with his son.
I remember thinking to myself, "Do I really want a man like this?" I think I remember telling myself, "Oh MWC, this won't be so bad..." Man was I not listening to myself like normal.
I honestly do not feel like DH EVER put the marriage first. Ever. He merely wanted a replacement.
He would never win full custody. I'm sure of that much.
To note further: That is
To note further: That is what DH said, "I can't be a part of hurting my own son."
MWC, I couldn't agree more.
MWC, I couldn't agree more. I see this in my ex BFs adult children even now. It NEVER stops!
Ugh sorry to here you are
Ugh sorry to here you are having such a rough time ; ( I think the reason most dads just "give up" is because they have such a small stand in the courts. They are usually looked at as the bad guy. It seems more BM's have custody than the dads. I read somewhere the reason more biodads do not have custody is because they just don't ask! They just automatically assume the whole "children belong with their mother" thing is what is going to be said. Of course, this is also why he will NOT call CPS about the shower thing. All BM has to do is tell SS to tell them nothing is happening like that - and they will probably just believe the child even though he does not know any better because of the whole "PAS" thing.
I think an even bigger
I think an even bigger problem is that the family court system is set up to force parents to "work it out" because they don't want to be involved. To actually get to court is expensive from a financial, emotional and time perspective. My dh got 50/50, at the cost of $90K, 10 missed weeks of work (including court time, counseling time, preparation time, etc.), had to continue therapy to deal with the stress and the entire process took 2 1/2 years. The psychologist involved in the case admitted that Wingnut was PASing Creature and the court's response was "all mothers are protective of their children" and still gave Wingnut equal parenting time.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"