Am I being reasonable or am I overreacting? Culture Issue?
Where to start??
The question first. Am I being reasonable or overreacting when DH's explanation to SK's is to be understanding of my expectations & actions & reactions because of cultural differences causes me to become extremely angry & resentful of him & the way he deals with his kids?
I am 1/2 asian, 1/2 white hillbilly(lol) in descent, american born & raised.
DH is american born & raised white.
BS is 3/4 asian & white.
SKs are full white.
Long story shortened... Multiple respect & boundary issues during our history in our home that had repeatedly been addressed with kids which, due to BM's need to get involved in our home issues, unfortunately got police involved on numerous instances. No worries, we were vindicated by the authorities & this resulted in her calls no longer being responded to by police & even a restraining order against her.
After 2 years of marriage, 2 1/2 years in the same house, I finally had enough with DH's laxity with SKs behavior towards me & our house rules & set absolute boundaries. Basically, #1 you know what the rules are & here's a printed copy on the fridge #2 if you violate the rules, here are the consequences on the fridge. This is serious guys & I WILL ENFORCE without any wiggle room, no room for 'interpretation.'
DH worked on these house rules with me in pre-marital counseling BEFORE we were married. We revised as we went along to accomodate needs & challenges as they arose. I did not decide these rules by myself.
DH & I have had HUGE blow outs between ourselves for some serious issues in the relationship which seem to always trickle down to how we dealt with kid issues. Out-of-no-where-comment: what you MEAN or your INTENT to do is not necessarily what you ARE doing...REPEATEDLY. Actions speak volumes over words or intent!
So... DH's work finally came through with a move across the country & we were set to move away from the toxic environment & start fresh. During the SK's last weekend visit before we moved, we had yet another blow out. By this time, we had already established that I would take all responsibility for BS11 & he would do so for his kids. DH had too much to drink again & chose to go to bed before anyone else (about 10pm). BS had already been fed & was playing video games with SS11. SD13 however had not eaten dinner yet & once she realized dad was going upstairs to sleep, decided to cook ramen for herself. I felt bad for her, again. It's hard to watch & stand by & do nothing. So, I offered to help her make something to eat. I'd like to point out that I too had had a few drink this evening with a girlfriend who stopped by to say final good bye's to me before we moved. Regardless, I wasn't going to bed before kids were sent to sleep - BAD THINGS have happened in the past, BAD THINGS.
I was tired too, but wasn't going to bed til all the kids were tucked away - for my own mental sanity. So I offered to help make food with SD13 & got the eye roll, a huff, & major attitude about NOT needing my help. I understood her frustration towards dad, but also that I did not deserve to get the brunt of it as disrespect from her. We have REPEATEDLY talked with her about it. It was one of the 'fridge rules' to not show disrespect to anyone in the house. So in conforming to the rule of dealing with our own biokids, I went upstairs & woke DH up, made him come downstairs & deal with the situation & enforce the rules.
Surprise, surprise, didn't happen that way. She got 'so, what's wrong honey?' 5 times in a row with her spoken response being "Nothing..." with varying tones. I finally stepped in & told him that this was going nowhere. Well, I got 'I heard you the first time & you need to quiet down. I'm trying to find out what's bothering her.'
Huh???!!! Why is finding out what's wrong with her taking priority over swiftly enforcing the rules & also justifying admonishing me in front of the children?
Needless to say, this incited me. I very loudly then stated that I had had enough. Count to 20. Then calmed down, and matter-of-factly stated that this was MY HOUSE too & that I am being put in the position of having to defend & enforce the right to have a peaceful home that abided by the rule WE set down & everyone agreed to live by. I went to the list & stated that SD violated the disrespect rule (which was weighted heavier than everything but non-violence) & that DH had violated the disrespect rule, show solidarity in front of kids rule, neglect of biokids rule, causing other SParent to need to be responsible without giving authority to back it up rule.
What it summed up to was this- if you can't keep your kids in line & parent them & it results in me having to do it for you, well, I choose not to. I have the right to not have that element around me. We had agreed that crappy parenting that results in injury of any sort (physical, mental, emotional) to the other adult, would result in expulsion.
This was a written out consequence. I put my foot down & enforced it. I told him to take his kids & leave the house. I told him that I didn't want them in my house or around me or my son because he was not adequately protecting me or the sanctity of our home by actually parenting them.
So he took them back to BM's house (1.5mi away) & returned to the house.
6 months later, he's trying to convince SD13 to come out to visit him in our new home. She says she's 'nervous' & despite hrs & hrs to conversations with him, is still unsure. For the longest time, she has said that she doesn't want to come out until I APOLOGIZE for yelling at her & kicking them out of the house!
I have over heard (in sickly sweet, coddle-some voice) & had DH directly tell me that he is trying to explain why the disrespect issue is so big & that it's because respect is a core foundation of asian culture! ARGH! He has explained that asian culture is the reason she will never get an apology from me because in 'my' culture I have done nothing wrong. OMG!
When I presented the same situation that happened in the context of when HE WAS THAT AGE & what would HIS PARENTS have done, his response is that he would have gotten off easy if he would've been able to even sit for a week or even go outside for a month.
So how is it then an issue of 'my' culture?
My biggest problem isn't that maybe he's trying to explain things to her in a way so she can maybe wrap her head around the concept. It isn't that he's being a wuss of a parent in actually not teaching her properly & letting her think a child has the same rights as the adults in the house. It's that I really think that despite the fact that he grew up with the same value sets as I did & understands that & says that those are the same value sets he wants his kids to have - it really isn't. He thinks he wants it, but doesn't truly feel that way deep down. This then causes divide.
Also, am I wrong...? Explaining to SD13 that it's just the way 'my' culture is, basically, telling her that it's my culture & not his? Isn't it basically a cop out? A way for him to play the middle? He gets to then say to me 'well I supported you & told her it's the way it is' but subtly letting his BD know that it's mine, but not his so he's really on her side? He understands her position & that it's not wrong, just different from mine. WTF? He doesn't even know where his side is & is choosing to play both sides.
I should have known better than to marry a salesman!
Sorry so long & if it doesn't make sense. Needed to vent I guess.
As far as I'm concerned, I believe I'm not overreacting & that none of this is a race/culture issue, but that of a wuss who doesn't know what he personally believes & is too afraid to speak up & stand behind them. I may not agree with him, but I'd have a heck of a lot more respect for him if he'd at least know where his values are & have the guts to follow through. 1/2 truths are what he expects me to live with. I deserve better & am choosing to call him out on it without kid-gloves whenever he does this. I just find myself putting more & more emotional distance between us. It's sad.
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Thanks for the blunt
Thanks for the blunt honesty! My post was long so I left a lot of stuff out that didn't pertain directly to this event. Perhaps I should give that info now.
SD has a history of breaking things, hitting, biting in addition to the typical slamming of doors & stomping around when unhappy. She had at one point stepped right into my space and face & tried to tell me off. DH had yet another talk with her & that was all that had come out of it. No punishment. BS has been caught in the cross fire between SK's angry outbursts & gotten hurt.
I truly do believe that this isn't all SD's fault. It partially is & everything she does is by her own choosing. My venting is from how DH handles the situation & creates the environment where both SK's continue this kind of behavior. BM claims that this kind of stuff never happens at her house & that it's because of things going on at our house. Hate to say it, but she's right.
The other important part of the history is this...
DH has adult ADHD & was drinking like an alcoholic. In addition to this, he had developed a habit of grabbing me & slamming against the wall of pinning me to the ground when we had an argument. Pretty bad stuff. I forgave him the 1st 2 times & he swore he would stop drinking. Well, it didn't happen. The 3rd time it happened, I followed through on my threat & kicked him out of the house. I guess this was the rock bottom point for him. He finally got help. He joined AA & went to an addiction specialist. He went on medication to help him stop drinking & was diagnosed with ADHD at this time too. By the way that DH was tolerating the meds, & the lifestyle changes that occurred, the doctor declared that my DH WASN'T an alcoholic! ugh. And that once his AHD is under control with meds, that he shouldn't have any problems with drinking alcohol again. !!! But that he had been self-medicating his ADHD. TONS of caffeine int he morning & then alcohol to wind down in the evening. The physical threats & violence towards me was explained away with the fact that the self defense classes (krav maga) he was taking seriously worked off the ability to react lethally under threat & adrenaline rush. And once he had alcohol in his system, the brain's ability to filter out real vs. imagined threat is too fuzzy.
I don't care. The third time, he finally was holding me with 1 hand & the other hand cocked up a fist, as if getting ready to punch me in the face. NO WAY. I'm done.
I had started divorce papers & was outta there. Between his lax parenting, allowance of disrespect, & violence from him & his kids, I was done.
All this was just 2 months prior to the event with SD. Without going into it too much, a LOT of therapy & with continued doctor involvement & NO MORE self defense classes. I did take him back & we are still working on these issues.
His issues are big & need to be dealt with. But he is also a father & doesn't have the luxury of focusing just on himself. He has kids to care for. I light of all that I'd been through with him on a husband/wife level, I just couldn't take the kid situation much more. When I took him back I also addressed how his behavior with all his junk has helped cause the situation with SK & me. He agreed profusely & added that it was ALL his fault & that he was going to step up & actually be a non-disneyland-dad anymore & work on that at the same time. I told him that I had a hair-trigger & just would not put up with too much more. I don't want to raise my BS in this kind of environment. He understood.
Taking him back, it was understood that this was a probationary period. ANYTHING would set me to kicking HIM out.
I choose to go out to the backyard with a girlfriend to say good bye & have a couple of glases of wine. I was only tipsy, not drunk. My reason for kicking SK out was not necessarily because SD screwed up. If DH had handled the situation properly & enforced the rules he helped come up with, none of it would have happened. My bone there is with DH.
I was constantly having to pick up his slack with SK, take the disrespect, & tolerate their inter-sibling violence in my house because of his drinking. I am not their mother. It is not my job to take care of them. If he can not take care of his kids, he should probably take them back to BM's house.
He had decided that since I was having a few glasses of wine, he could go on & drink beer to his heart's content & get drunk. This then led to his kids not having dinner. Which then led to SD making her own food all upset & the rest is history.
SD still shouldn't have shown such mis-placed anger or disrespect to me. However, that wasn't the true reason for kicking them out, just the instigating event.
There's only so much I can take & only so far I can keep getting walked over. I will not apologize for yelling at SD about her disrespect. period. If she didn't want to get yelled at, maybe she shouldn't have shown such disrespect! What a novel idea!
If DH didn't want his kids or himself kicked out, maybe he shouldn't have neglected his duties as a father & husband because he was drunk again.
I still feel that he hasn't taken his responsibility in all this happening with SKs nor explained it to them. As far as I see, HE'S the one who needs to apologize to SD for screwing up.
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I hope I didn't offend you
I hope I didn't offend you with anything I wrote. I didn't take it that DH didn't want his daughter to show disrespect because his wife was asian, but I also tend to give people the benefit of doubt (too often actually). I thought he was trying to explain it.
Respect is a worldwide thing. In my mother's country, it is taken to a degree that I've never seen in the United States though. I've seen complete strangers yell at younger people if they didn't give their seats up for seniors fast enough. I watched my aunt beat her teenage son because he didn't want to go to the store when she asked him too. There are specific words and phrases to use for elders that you wouldn't use for other people (My mom yelled at me once because I had tried to invite one of my aunts to sit down and I didn't use the proper wording because I didn't know it). No one is called by their first name if they are older than you. Things like that.
However, I agree with you about this generation. I'm 26 and I can tell you that I absolutely loathe how my peers act towards the older generations. I hate how young kids these days think that it is ok to say and do whatever they want. I remember when I was little, people would at least speak up if someone was using profanity around younger children and today I see parents cursing at their kids instead. It's absolutely disgusting.
Oh and if you want to be a little asian, adopt throwing things. That seems to be a common asian mother characteristic. My mom always threw things and so did all my asian friend's moms. My half Philippino friend told me a funny story once in which his mother had worked hard all day long. His dad sat down on the couch and asked her, "what's for dinner?" without having done anything. She responded by throwing a frozen turkey at him. Ha ha.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
Weird, my brother's
Weird, my brother's girlfriend is filipino too (half)! He goes to her house every Sunday for family night which includes an ungodly number of people. Her father is white so it's not as bad and her siblings have african american husbands I think. They joke that they have black, white, and brown and now she's brought in the yellow. I'm not sure how it is for other asian cultures, but it seems like filipino people do tend to be an extremely tight knit group with their families. My mother is Korean and family is very important but I've never seen it like with the filipino's.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
Can I tell DH that he
Can I tell DH that he racially offended a white woman??? pleeeeaaase... Would just love to see him wrap his head around that one!
Then drop the bomb at some time that HEY! guess what? your wife is ALSO WHITE!
ROTL! Thanks guys. Some of
ROTL! Thanks guys. Some of your comments had me laughing so hard I had tears!
Um... yeah about the throwing things part. I've definitely got a temper. But knowing this & not wanting to escalate things, I usually tend to excuse myself from the house altogether & leave so I can cool down & I don't get that wound up. Unfortunately, when I'm physically restrained from leaving & forced to deal with panic & physical threat, I tend to throw things to keep certain people from getting near me. Cost me $400 to replace an oven glass door. Twice. Did I mention I have PTSD from an exBF holding a gun at my head after beating the crap out of me???
I've since had A LOT of therapy & have realized that I am no longer willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore cuz I seem to have a problem with picking the wrong people & letting them walk all over me!
And thank you for not slamming me for my choice to try & salvage this marriage! I already have plenty of doubts & concerns & questioning of my own choices. There are many many many reasons I chose to salvage instead of scrap. I hate to say it & I'm proud to say it - they absolutely serve to further my own goals. I am jaded, but I also see it as a positive. As long as he's towing the line & serving to benefit our relationship & me, I'll stay. If it's to serve his own alone or his kids' purpose, I'm gone. Little step by little step.
He has made major sacrifices & truly shown great attempts at fixing the core causes, not just fix the events as they occur. I keep telling him that his intent & his promises & words do me no good at all. SHOW ME, DON'T TELL ME.
Has made a pretty big difference, oddly...
I also don't take any offense at the race thing. After being a Smom, it takes a heck of a lot more than racial comments to offend me!!! hehehe. It's when it's used as a cop out that I get pissed.
DH's X (aka BM) is 100% white & she kept DH from seeing his family for close to 10 yrs. The 1st time he went back home after moving to the west coast was for his mother's funeral. How sad is that??? All this while they bought a house less than 2 miles from her parents. Ogres are in all cultures & races.
So how do you guys deal with disrespect from SK? It's very hard for me to figure out how to deal when they do finally come out for a visit. I get more in child support than DH makes & I by myself make more than DH too. If they come out & disrespect the home or DH or me or my son when I bust my tush to make it all happen & am 'BIG' enough to allow yet another opportunity for disaster to enter my peaceful home, I'm gonna go kooky & grow a beard & live in a tree!! OK. Money isn't everything. But I do make a lot of sacrifices to afford my home in the woods & to keep it up & have swallowed tons of crap to even bring myself to stay w DH to share it with him. If they come in & start breaking things & being disrespectful of others & their things & DH doesn't properly parent, then... what? I'm very apprehensive to say the least. Especially since SD is STILL in the 'if she doesn't apologize to me, I'm not coming out' mode. No attitude change. SKs have been raise to expect the adults in their life to bend heaven & earth to their will & fix all their problems. I could go on & on about that one. But take my word on it. Even DH agrees that it's true & a huge part of the problem cuz that was the prime directive when he was married to BM & that she still functions that way. He feels that any effort he make to change that functioning with the kids will be futile anyways, so why not keep treating them the way they're used to.
HUH? I just don't get it. I really didn't think it was just an asian thing to respect your parents & elders, obey, and do your chores, help with the house, clean up after yourself, etc. & generally think of others & not just yourself.
My mother was FOB (plane actually,lol). Strict as heck & not light with the belt. I seriously disagreed with a lot of the way she raised us, but here I sit now, feeling bad for her & the way I felt about her at the time. I've become my mom!!!! ack. I actually understand now. Big difference, though is that although I hated her a lot of times, I would NEVER have EVER been allowed to show it or even speak of it. I still disagree with that.
I am open to discussing how BS & SK feel about things like this, but I expect to discuss it RESPECTFULLY, not with huff & puff & general show of disdain of my RIGHTS as an adult who provides for & takes care of them. My house, my rules. (didn't I say I've become my mom?)
This seriously isn't just a culture thing is it? I really think it's just flat out bad manners & improper parenting showing it's ugly head, regardless of race or culture.
So PLEASE gimme some ideas on how to handle it when I get the 'I think you should apologize to me' thing or from DH 'She still says she wants and apology.' My knee jerk is to tell them both the apology is on just-the-other-side of the bridge rail, go get it. I know the asian thing has already been planted so now I have THAT to undo as well.
There are some days I just want to just stop trying & walk away. Then I remember why I stayed. But still hard.
Suggestions welcome & wanted.
umm...if I ever rolled my
umm...if I ever rolled my eyes at my mother - I was grounded for a week. Thus, I never rolled my eyes. After reading your blog and your answers back - I don't think what you did was wrong. He should have trusted you that she did something wrong. Don't let him walk all over you.
Thank you! I knew I wasn't
Thank you! I knew I wasn't crazy!
Update: Dh talked with me
Update: Dh talked with me tonight & although he was explaining that he appreciates all that I've done & NOT done in the course of our blended family history & thanked me for being as strong as I have been. He even said that in the face of my excruciating medical issues, he can't tell me how much he appreciates how I ever held up through it all & a lesser woman would have left a long time ago. He thanked me for staying & repeatedly giving him chances when most women wouldn't have & he really didn't deserve it. Let's keep the women on this board a secret from him for my sake? OK?
I like being a hero for a change!
Tonight he spoke with SD during their weekly video or phone chat & she's agreed to come out for a visit. Yikes! Happy for him, not so much for me. He then talked with SS and stated to him "(name) has decided to grace us with her presence & come out here" & SS started to laugh and said "FINALLY!!!"
But he did also tell me that this was step #1. Acknowledging that he screwed up by allowing her to play prima donna without a deadline for a decision. Today was decision time. YES OR NO. We have plenty of ways to put the money to good use than just sit in the accounts for when she might decide.
He's already planning on a 2-3 day visit in our home somewhere down the line soon. I had planned a trip to Washington DC with BS & DH for my son's spring break. So of course, because SKs have similar days off, I said it'd be great for them to just join us there. Neutral ground. Well, SD doesn't want to go to D.C. She wants to visit the house & see everything here. This happened 2 weeks ago btw during 'negotiations' with her father. So when I brought up needing to get moving on making plans, hotels, etc, DH informed me that SD didn't want to go to DC. I said OK. Well, if that's the weekend they're coming, I'm OK going with just me & BS. I'd be OK with that too. Well, DH wasn't OK. He had wanted me to cancel the DC trip & stay at home for when they'd be there. NO WAY. I tried to explain that I was not going to have a 14 yo girl decide when or where I was going to take vacation AFTER it's already been decided, nor dictate that I must wait indefinitely for a family portrait (another story). After I explained how all of MY and OUR family plans were constantly being put on hold until SD decided she would like to join, it basically boils down to a little girl deciding what I, the adult not related to her, can & can't do. The look on his face was as if I had just slapped him!
So step #2 The lesson he seems to have learned is that he IS giving SD too much control over everyone's lives & that the world is worse for revolving around her whims. When Mama's not happy, I guarantee nobody's happy is the gist of his this step. He says he understands that putting our family & my needs 1st ends up actually being what's best for the his kids. Had he done this in the first place, kids would not be as they are.
He actually said that he's just now starting to understand & believe that my advise & counsel & demand for my needs to be met aren't motivated by ulterior motivations. That they are actually motivated by good intentions for not just myself, but for everyone. God! Men can be dense.
So his final step is make the kids understand that he's had to work very hard to repair relations with his wife & that it is THEY that must prove to ME that they can be respectful & appreciative of all that I do when they're at my home because I don't HAVE TO do anything. And also to prove that he can be a good father, not just a friend-dad. So am I being too optimistic in hoping that the whole 'apologize to me' thing won't come up cuz DH is gonna squish any such absurd thing without copping out to a cultural excuse, but just because it's flat out rude & not right no matter what culture I come from???
I've been so disappointed so many times that I'm apprehensive to get even a little hope up. I'll be holding my breath until it's demonstrated & not just a theory.
Still, if it goes wrong & culture gets pulled in again, any suggestions or advise on how to handle it without shipping them back onto the plane immediately?
I'm glad that you got to
I'm glad that you got to speak with him and that he seemed to "get" things. That's progress.
As for the last part... if he were to bring up the culture thing, I'd have to dish it right back. The next time he asks you to do something or if she does... simply tell them "Me no speak English". My mother did this when people were being really rude to her and it got a few laughs and then normally the person shaped up. She's funny like that though. In all seriousness, has he forgotten that you are half WHITE too? White people get offended as well by disrespect, just like StepAside said. I think I'd have to remind him of that and tell him that if he continues on he's going to see the RED part of you (as in redneck :D) if he doesn't stop being a douche about the whole thing.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
LOL! I love your posts.
LOL! I love your posts. It's just what I needed!
You gave me a great idea though. If it does come up again, I think I might just teach them all a racial/cultural lesson by speaking only in Korean for an entire day. Ignore my EQUALLY white side again & I'll go ALL KOREAN on you so you can tell the difference next time! }:)
They saw the redneck already. 6'3" 220# man v 5'3" 120# woman. Even when odds are against me, I'm not backing down. OK. Maybe that's both hillbilly & korean. GOD! Did he really expect me to be a doormat with a heritage like that?!
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Just do your thing! Many
Just do your thing! Many women have said, on this forum, that though they experience difficulties with BM and/or Skids, it really boils down to having a partner that is not on board! If he chooses the wrong ship, sail on through your vacation without him! And DO have your vacation, don't just play the part. Respect is not bound to any one culture...so respect your boundaries and decisions regardless of whether anyone else does or doesn't and have fun doing it
OH YES! I'm going on
OH YES! I'm going on vacation with my son. I promised him this & am NOT disappointing him because of party poopers who don't want to go & don't think WE are important enough to bend THEIR plans for.
I'm letting talk of this drop with DH for a few days & then will start making reservations. I need to see how he reacts & what his responses are to see if his heartfelt talk with me tonight is gonna stick. SHOW ME, Baby!
Sorry for the confusion. In
Sorry for the confusion. In case anyone missed it - I tend to ramble!
The plans for vacation were made to revolved around BS school spring break. SD was still in the 'I'm not going to visit until I get an apology from her' mode.
Dh asked for a few days during SK's spring break (different schedules) but BM stated she already had plans for them. So later on, AFTER we had already discussed going on vacation, he asked BM for the same weekend of our vacation. I didn't know this until after he had asked & she stated that it looked good, but only if SD decided she wanted to fly out. This is when the conflict 1st presented & I offered to allow her & SS to join us on this vacation. I also offered to go alone with BS so he could enjoy time w is kids, but that was shot down by DH. He had been insisting that if we don't all go, he wanted all of us to stay at home for SK's visit. So basically, he was asking me to give up a pre-planned vacation for BS spring break to be there when his kids visit. This was before she had even agreed to visit. He had talked with her & presented the option of going to D.C. but she flat out said NO. She said that even if whe decided to come out, she wanted it to be at our home, not in D.C. So he was asking me to change my plans based on what SD decided.
I absolutely agree with you StepAside. If plans were made AFTER she was involved, it would be a totally different situation. But the truth is I haven't been able to take any vacations with my son since we married because it never fit into SK's schedule or BM wouldn't allow it. Now I make plans, DH chooses to come with us, & then suddenly I'm asked to give it up because it doesn't fit SD's desire. I didn't even get a honeymoon cuz of this sorta thing! Our honeymoon ended up with 3 kids in tow in the same cabin! Did I mention that FIL was also in the next cabin?
I've made sooo many allowances & given up vacations & STILL don't have a family portrait cuz it never fits into their schedule, so I'm repeatedly being asked to put my desires to the side. A lot of times it feels like being a team player & doing what's for the greater good of the blended family ends up with me or BS getting short ended. I can't think of a single situation where they have had to rearrange their schedule for something that either I or my husband planned. Not 1!
This is another instance. Well, no more. I was pissed when he first asked me to even do this. I couldn't believe my ears after ALL the talks we had & him repeatedly stating that he was putting us & me 1st from now on, no matter what. Over it now.
If he doesn't like it, I'd like to see him even trying to bemoan how awful I was in this. Cuz I have done NO WRONG. Try & explain it. I know who'd end up sounding like the jerk regardless of who tells the story! LOL
BTW - DH & BM have shared custody, BM has physical custody currently, but legally, DH is supposed to have kids EOW and alternate major holidays. But DH didn't re-visit & adjust custody agreement prior to moving & still hasn't. Because of the blow out right before leaving & his behaviors prior to this, he is avoiding trying to work things out with BM. BM is leaving all the decisions up to SD & that's her official stance. He's afraid that if he asserts his parental rights & tries to force a visit or ends up going to court (cuz BM won't support him forcing it), that he may loose all visitation & shared custody. Deep down he knows it's his screw up, not mine. Me asking kids to leave the house isn't what he's afraid of coming out in court. It's the alcohol use & physical assaults against me he feels BM would use against him to take the kids away. He's never, ever raised a hand to the kids. Hell, he rarely even raised his voice to them because of the paralysis that fear of BM caused.
Weird thing... it bothered me so much that he was more afraid of BM and what her wrath could cause than my wrath. Funny huh? The oddest things have come out in my personality that I never realized until I became a SM. How DARE he be more afraid of his x getting mad than me????!!! Now I think it's funny & can laugh at myself. Weird realization at the time though!
Ah, yes. A very hard lesson
Ah, yes. A very hard lesson I've learned. I find I just don't feel the need to argue. I just state my thoughts & opinions & allow him to, but no is no & yes is yes. He does try to pick on things occasionally, but I've oddly become good at verbal shutdowns. We also have 12.5 acres now & when I walk away, it's hard to find me in the woods! By the time I come back, he's had time to reflect & accepts my choices easier now than ever before.
Thanks for the encouragement & simply reading & responding BTW. Being heard & seen for who I really am, not who I'm assumed to be, is huge. So THANK YOU EVERYONE! I'm not invisible! Yipee!!!!