Not yet the stepmom....scared to be one day
Hi everyone,
I am not yet a stepmom, but I have been dating a wonderful man and we are very serious. He really is perfect for me. I cannot imagine my life without him.
If we marry someday, I will become stepmom to 3. One of them, a 17-year-old-boy, lives with my bf. The other two kids are 15 and 21. They live close, but opted to stay where their friends were when the divorce occurred. One of the things that I love the most about my bf is how much he loves these kids. I also like that he is civilized with his ex-wife, because I would not want to deal with a mess in that respect.
However, I am not sure what to do...my bf's son is a spoiled, selfish, and rude person. He will soon be 18, but he may as well be 5. I know I cannot say anything, but my bf has pretty much figured out my feelings because there are daily problems and sometimes I sigh-loudly. His own parents tell him that he needs to stop babying this kid. His response is that he feels bad because of the divorce, which, by the way, was not a bad one. He also said that his ex spoiled them from birth and he was never able to establish boundaries because of the hours he worked.
I love kids, and I am currently working with teenagers. But this one...he won't look for a job, but demands and gets a lot of money weekly. My bf does not make a whole lot, and he works hard, but this kid does not care. He whines and sulks. Does nothing around the house. That is what bothers me the most, the lack of respect and unwillingness to help.
I did tell my bf that if we move in together, I would have no problem with any or all of them living with us. Times are tough, so I know it is hard to be on your own. However, I also told him I will NOT tolerate the behaviors I see. Nor will I financially contribute to a household where a brat is given a lot of $ and does nothing. My bf assures me that his son will get a job when he graduates in May. He also said he will set and enforce rules. I don't see that now, though. He cannot say no to his son. It is actually appearing to get worse for some reason.
So, what do I do? Stepmoms in similar situations...would you do it over again?
Thanks for listening.
i would not move in until
i would not move in until the kid moves out. period.
I'm sorry you're dealing
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. First off, bf has to quit giving his son money every time he asks for it. He needs to get off of his spoiled duff and get a job. He's going to be 18 which makes him legally an adult, which means he'd better start acting like one. Guilt parenting does nothing but make the parent feel better and royally screw up the kid, in my opinion.
I think you're doing the right thing by talking to BF and trying to set boundaries ahead of time. Unfortunately now, it's up to him to enforce them. Do you have a plan for what you're going to do if these boundaries aren't implemented? Will the son be going to college?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Hi, Thank you for all your
Hi,
Thank you for all your replies.
I think my bf's guilt is so strong that it will remain for a long time. The amount of money he gives his son weekly boggles the mind. If it continues, my bf will be in a bind. He knows this. I can see a bit here and there, but this is an insane amount of cash for a man who does not make a big salary. He is now demanding a car. I really think a job needs to come first!
You should have seen the mess in the kitchen we found today. I just shook my head. I was there for 4 hours and never saw his son, because he was shut in his room with his games and cell phone.
I won't move in until he is out, but who knows if that will happen. He has NO plans for after graduation. The other kids are a boy and a girl; they live with their mom because she stayed in the neighborhood in which they grew up. Apparently the son who lives with my bf wanted to start over in a new high school and area. On the rare occasions that my bf does say "no", he will whine and say he is calling his mom. Yes, he is 17.
My bf wants to buy a house for us to share. I don't know if the other kids would want to move in, but three of them could be a challenge. It would have to have at least 2 bathrooms because his son is a slob.
I love this man. He is amazing. I just don't know what to do. I really want to be able to have a good relationship with his kids, but I don't know what will happen.
I guess he could buy the house, and I could stay on weekends and longer and see what happens. I really don't see how this kid is going to move out/on for awhile. He has no plans, no ambition, and there are few decent jobs around here.
I thank you all again. This is so very hard. My thoughts are with all of you who are struggling.
Something I think about.
Something I think about. They will always be his kids. I will always be around them if I am with him. If you move in and begin sharing bills/responsibilities, the monetary issues with his son will pry come up repeatedly. Like my sd's destructiveness and the amount of money it causes, even when he paid for that crap, it left him less money for OUR bills. See what I mean? I figured when I bought this house that his kids could have their own bathroom, to share, and since their standard of cleanliness was a little different... Yeah, it didn't work out like that. It is kind of hard to have that kind of situation work. You could pry do it, but it is EXTRA work. I have told my h repeatedly. When they are out of high school they are out, If they quit high school they are out, all of them; yours and ours. I will help, but they need to get a job and a place within their means. I will not support anyone forever. As lazy as sd is, I am really thinking of pushing her toward military. But whatever it is, it won't be here.
I really don't know what I
I really don't know what I am going to do...yesterday bf mentioned living together again and I said I am not really sure. He asked why and I said what I see now will not work with us living together. And I know it won't. Such a horrible situation to be in. But, I am working so hard to get an advanced degree, and I am not going to be haggling over finances after I have worked so hard to get here. My bf does not argue, he is very passive. I don't argue much, but the bottom line is I know what I can and cannot tolerate. And as of now, NO way. I am reading some of the posts here and I feel so badly for those who are suffering. I am not going to put myself in a situation I know I could have prevented. The worst thing is I am deeply in love with my bf. He is amazing.
Thank you all!
Stay where you are!! I too
Stay where you are!! I too have a most amazing man, complete with SD14 who lives with us fulltime. Unfortunately, I have to put up with her, or risk losing him. She is not a bad child, however, being a teenager, she is moody, lazy, forgetful and all the other stuff that goes with it. I don't know if I notice it more because she is not my child. I have decided to disengage from her. I say good morning and good night, ask her how school was and that's about it. She is happy to sit in her room with a book, which is fine by me because it keeps her out of my way.
My BF lived 2 hours away prior to us living together, and financially it was not really an option for him to move closer, but still live separately.
If you're feeling like this now, believe me, you will feel far worse if your under the same roof 24/7. Good luck and take a day at a time.
This is getting worse...this
This is getting worse...this kid is just not nice. I don't think there is any way we can live together. I am not even sure we can stay together.
Marehere, read my posts. It
Marehere, read my posts. It might give you some insight into the reality of your situation.
Doubt means "No". Not No forever necessarily, but "No" for right now.
I wish I would have taken that advice.
The BrightSide, My heart
The BrightSide,
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.
I think I am ending things tonight with my bf. He is truly my soulmate, so I pray he and I will find our way back. Now, though, I cannot deal with this. This kid is not going to let him have a relationship. There is so much more going on here.
Mare...i hope you're okay.
Mare...i hope you're okay. I'm thinking of you okay. My heart is not broken....it was...but its not anymore. I'm completely EXCITED to start my new life. I'm completely EXCITED at the posibility to be with someone who may be my partner someday. A real partner in life...not just an invisible wife every other week. And honestly, I'm not looking to replace him with a better model. I'm just excited at moving on from this. Our house will be listed in a couple of days..sure I'll take a financial loss, but i've accepted it.
I'm shocked at how okay i really am. Last weekend at this time, I was a blubbering mess. And now, I'm already a new person. The strong, independent girl is BACK!
Ask yourself: "can I accept this situation if nothing changes?". Because there is no guarantee things will change for the better...they may change for the worse, or you trade new problems for old ones.
I don't know, maybe I'm jaded now.
Stay where you are for now. Like I said, doubt means no.
Marehere, What you are
Marehere,
What you are experiencing is SOOOO typical of guilty dads.
First, please please please do NOT move forward with this man AT ALL until this situation has been resolved to your satisfaction. If you find that he is not going to change, honestly, you need to leave and cut your losses. 63% of remarriages end in divorce. This is why.
I suggest that you google "guilt parenting consequences." You will find a lot of articles like this:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1496957/guilty_parenting_when_g...
Print out the ones that are most relevant to your situation and give them to your BF to read. Then start a conversation about what you feel needs to change before you can feel comfortable moving forward.
It might be a little hard for him to hear at first. But if he's the right one, he will listen and understand, and begin to change. If he's the wrong man, he will resist and resent you for bringing it up. That will be your answer.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Set standards before you marry!
Setting standards and agreeing mutually before getting married or living together will save your relationship! I am a step mom to 4 and trust me, it hasn't been easy. My husband and I talked very seriously about things that we expected and we were not able to tolerate (deal breakers) if we got married. So far we have kept our word but its been hard work! A year later, I see some progress but it takes work, patience, and LOTS of comunication between us. The most important key here is that you and your bf have eachothers back all the time and that you don't let the kids run your household. We both agreed that our kids have to work part time while they're in school and as soon as they're 18 they need to provide us with an independece plan until they're out of college. If they don't go to college, out the door they go. It sounds harsh but they need to be exposed to the real world and earn a living. We will always be here to guide them but not financially provide for them. Step up before you get married!!! wish you the best!