New to this...desperate for advice
Hi there,
I am 27 years old, no children of my own and seriously dating a man with 2 kids (girl 14 and boy 7) and an ex-wife with diagnosed mental issues. I am in the process of a divorce from a man I shouldnt have married and am getting more and more involved with the man I am dating. He and I have known each other for almost 4 years and have been best friends for the majority of that time. It evolved quickly into a very serious relationship (the plan is to get married and have children together eventually).
I love him very much but his kids are absolutely beyond my comprehension. I want very much to like these kids and have a good relationship with them eventually, but at the moment, things are not running very smoothly. We do not live together, but I spend about 5 days a week at his home when he has his kids (he has one week on, one week off custody). The children are not disciplined, and have no structure. They throw their clothes, toys, wrappers, etc anywhere they want to, their rooms are disastrous, they do not have chores, the 14 year old doesnt have a bedtime and the 7 year old is allowed to throw huge fits whenever he wants. Their dad is trying to implement a little structure, but they are very resistant to it. If I want to be in a clean and orderly home, I end up doing all the laundry, the cleaning and the cooking when I'm with them.
All that said, the 7 year old boy HATES me. He told his father that if we get married he's going to scream that he hates us at the wedding. He refuses to do anything without whining, throws things, etc and there are really no repurcussions.
I was raised with structure and rules by two very reasonable and loving parents...I dont understand the logic behind how these kids are being raised and I dont know how to deal with the fact that they resent me. HELP Please! I feel like I'm drowning!
Imagine that you hear major
Imagine that you hear major alert sirens right now. I am not sure how to type them.
I would not move-in with or marry this guy until he gets these kids in order. I would stop cleaning his house up after them. If he can't control them without you living there, he sure as hell won't do it once you move in and are attached to him and have no where to go!
You need to lay down some expectations (rules, chores, etc.) for his kids and you need to tell him they are NON-NEGOTIABLE if he wants to marry you. What the hell will you do if you bring more children into the home? They'll either emulate this shitty behavior or be resentful as hell that they have rules and these two yahoos do not. And will your SO support you in rules and structure for them or will you always be the bad guy and he'll be the fun daddy? Expectation and consequences for disobeying are necessary before you get into a situation you can't easily get out of. Read some of the blogs on here about what some people are dealing with. Read Crayon's blogs or JenJen's or Stepof 1Nightmare.
No repercussions = continued behavior. I don't care how many times these kids are told to do things if there are no repercussions they aren't going to just wake up one day and say "geez, I am being a douche, I think I'll change and start being responsible and respectful". NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
Sorry, I know you love this guy and my post isn't helping you, but you can't change this situation. Only their father can and your choice is to live with these animals as they are, leave, or convince this man that he needs to change. The only way to convince him he needs to change is to have some repercussions of your own.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Yes. I completely agree. I
Yes. I completely agree. I was raised so that if I was being a jerk, there were consequences. It may have sucked then, but I respect my parents now and am thankful that they made it easy for me to be a functioning grown-up.
He is very open to changing the kids behavior but he doesnt seem to know how. He's very concerned with their emotional state and wants them to be free to express themselves. He would like more structure, but is leaning on me to help him come up with rules and consequences. I find this very difficult because I dont know anything about raising kids nor do I know whats appropriate to expect from them at their ages.
There emotional state is
There emotional state is fine. People express themselves all the time without behaving like animals. It is called "human" behavior. I will tell you what I've told many people on here "Feelings are not the same as behaviors. Feel whatever you like, but don't use it as an excuse to behave badly".
If he truly wants your help, come up with a list of expectations and acceptable vs. unacceptable behaviors. And a list of chores. Also come up with a list of consequences (taking away tv, video games, ipods, cell phones, etc.). the consequences need to be something that matters to these kids. If they slam doors, take the doors of the hinges to their rooms. Be creative. If they don't do chores. you and dh don't have to do certain things either. If they need a ride somewhere tell them no. Parents only owe their children 6 things before their 18th birthday (and nothing after). Those 6 things are 1) Love 2) housing 3) food 4) clothing 5) healthcare and 6) education. If they want anything in addition to those 6 things, they need to earn them through appropriate behavior, respect, and chores. Parenting is not an exercise in negotiation. Parents get to dictate to prepare their kids for the real world. Does your fh think the rest of the world will show concern for their "emotional states"? The rest of the world will think they're a$$holes.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
So what do I do when they
So what do I do when they are being awful? Is it quitting to just head home to my house for a couple days? Do I need to stick it out and stay? Do I sequester myself in the bedroom while he handles temper tantrums? How do I become more thick-skinned? It really hurts me that his son hates me so much. The daughter seems better...she will talk to me and ask my advice, but his son wants nothing to do with me.
No one should be "handling"
No one should be "handling" a 13 year old's tantrum. He should be sent to his room and IGNORED and you and dh should go about your business. As for his son hating you. You need to get over letting it bother you. He doesn't have to like you. He didn't choose you. Likewise, you don't have to like him. That being said, he does have to respect you and making nasty comments and threatening to ruin your wedding is UNACCEPTABLE and his father should be addressing it as such. He should be sent to an empty (no toys, video games, phones, tvs) bedroom everytime he disrespects you.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
yes you can leave. it is
yes you can leave. it is HIS job. about the son hating you..has BF talked to the son about you and his relationship? 7 is not too young for a basic conversation of "i love faitheliz and she is an important part of my life and i expect you to treat her with respect."
see right now you are asking the wrong questions. you are asking what YOU can do and how YOU can avoid...but think about this...you did not bear this kids and they are not your repsonsibility, so why is it YOUR actions that need to change? NO! It is BFs actions that need to change. Period. And if you do not see him stepping to the plate and changing his behavior and working with HIS kids on these issues, -- well walk away because this will get worse.
I would leave -- because
I would leave -- because it's not the kids that you need to teach a lesson, it's your boyfriend. You say he's "open" to changing the kids' behavior but he's leaning on you to do it. Well, you know what? If he's not really doing anything, it's in part because he must not really have HEARD and fully understood how serious you are about this.
He doesn't know how to parent? Then tell him to take a parenting class. Seriously. He had kids -- it's his responsibility to raise them. If he wants a relationship with you, and to have children with you, then he needs to listen to what you need, and DO it. He's expecting YOU to do it -- and you know what? You do not have the authority with these kids. If the son hates you now, he will hate you more if you try to discipline him. Frankly, his "hating" you is trying to bully his dad into dumping you. If your boyfriend would man up and start disciplining his kids, his son would recognize that HE does not set the rules in the house, nor does he set the rules regarding whether his father should date, or whom.
If your BF starts actually parenting these kids, and they both interiorize that HE is the father and THEY are the children, I would bet money that the son will calm down and begin to accept you.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
AND! Does anyone have any
AND! Does anyone have any resources for learning about parenting? I am seeing a counselor to learn how to deal with the kids and how to communicate clearly with their dad, but Google "parenting" and there is a dizzying array of data that is available. I'd like to come up with a good plan with him, but I dont know the first thing about it.
what scares me is you are
what scares me is you are going to "cram" to be a parent to make up for the shortcomings of BF as a parent. Not right at all. Earlier you said he doe snot know how to make the changes and relies on you. Unfair of him. This is NOT your job. HE needs to be in counseling...HE needs to learn how to parent...give him the damn book and let him figure it out.
Lol. Yeah. I want to be
Lol. Yeah. I want to be there for him but I cant teach him how to be a parent. I want to be able to understand the issues he is dealing with and to be able to be empathetic, But I dont feel that its my job to come up with a plan to parent the kids. I would like input but the bottom line is, they arent mine....I dont want to deal with them as such. You're right Folkmom....one cant really "cram" to be a parent.
one way to do this is
one way to do this is suggest HE right out a plan and rules for the household. give a week to work on it (men like deadlines) and he gets to work on it all on his own. then he can send it to you and you can see what you like or don't. then schedule a time to sit down and discuss it (so the time is set aside). tweak the plan. next ask him how he plans to implement it. make him give you a plan. then tell him you will support his plan and help where you can and you hope he succeeds.
and thus, you have become his parenting coach. but not the parent.
Good thought....I'll look
Good thought....I'll look into that.
GO SLOW!!! The biggest
GO SLOW!!! The biggest mistake people make is moving fast in these situations. The typical "year timeline" of dating and getting enaged (make it two yrs) does not even apply. you need a LOT of time before you go into this.
1. You need to finalize your divorce. Otherwise, frankly it looks like you are rebounding in a bad way into a worse situation.
2. Keep dating him...but stop playing weektime nanny, laundress and cook. You are the GF...not the wife or the mother.
--Many men have no clue how to cope with parenting solo. So they attach themselves to a GF not because of LOVE but because they need help with their household. Therefore, the best way to ensure he ends up with you due to love, is the make sure he knows how to do all this parenting stuff ON HIS OWN. and not only onhis own, but on his well and competant.
3. Do not blame the BM. The fact is he is one half of the parenting unit and HE HAS FAILED to teach these kids rules or order up to this point. Consider that before you say you want kids with him, because at this point if he was getting a grade for being a dad, sounds like he might be close to failing.
4. Did I mention go slow? Take a lot of you time.
That is all. Frankly, marrying into a situation with no control where there is a teenage girl sounds like a living nightmare but...
I'm not going to tell you it
I'm not going to tell you it can't work or that it will be like the Brady Bunch. I don't know, I'm not in your situation. However, I have one HUGE piece of advice for you.
I was in your shoes. Exactly, except I have two kids of my own. I came from a marriage with someone who I should not have married and feel deeply in love with a very solid, warm, generous, loving man. His kids are disasters. I knew better than to get involved with that but I was so love with someone who was so different from my first husband I turned a blind eye. My advice is, don't get married or move in until you don't have the urge to run away when you're over there and the kids are there. Once in a while, no big deal. But if you're having frequent urges to retreat to your room, go back to your own house, go to the grocery store or any other place to get away from the kids it will be multiplied by a thousand once you move in. I needed the down time away from them prior to marriage and now I don't have it. I get irritable, angry and depressed around his kids. I'm tired of them not cleaning up after themselves, finding snot wiped all over their rooms and clothes, smelling their lack of hygiene and listening to their bizarre conversations. I hate living in a house with social misfits. Period. I should have waited until they were out of the house before getting married if I wasn't going to be able to warm up to them.