Don't get along with stepson
i currently am in a relationship with a young lady who had a child at a young age between 15-16 to be exact. The young lady is now 27 and the child is 10. Prior to getting into the relationship, I was accepting of the child (you know during the honeymoon stage) but eventually after a couple of months noticed that the child was very disrespectful and manipulative. I also found out in the course of the months that the child has ADD and is suffering from the loss of his father whom died when he was about one (well i knew about the latter from the beginning). Now at this point and time my girlfriend became pregnant and this will be my first child (I am 27 also by the way) however it seems that now is the time that my significant other decides that it is time to seek help for her oldest child. So now she is running around to all these doctors appointments, going to school (I think I forgot to mention that he was kicked out of his previous school) and getting medication for the older child because he has ADD. NOw to me this child is a spoiled brat, and in his mind he doesn't believe he is a child but rather an adult. He is very sneaky and manipulative and her family always makes excuses for him. This is basically ruining my experience as a to be father because instead of focusing on my child i have to take a backseat for them to figure out what is wrong with the other child. They seem to feel as if nurturing him and cuddling him will help solve his problems ( which they are prone to do since he was the "baby" of the family and they are all women. Now I understand the kid has issues (I wish I had known the extent of these issues from the beginning but I digress) and he needs help but what about this new child and (hate to sound selfish) me. Now at this point she is 7 months pregnant still trying to figure out the behavior of her first child. I tried to help her out but all she wants me to do is laugh and play with the little boy but don't correct him when he does wrong or disrespects me then its a problem. I once told him that it was too late for water and to go to sleep at night and she flat out questions me in front of him which just lowers my position to me in the child's eyes. So since then I have backed off and I don't pay any attention to him except hi and bye basically. She is now having something similar to panic attacks during her pregnancy and I think it is all the stress that she has with dealing with her older son. I want to tell her that all this is ruining my experience as far as being an expectant father but don't want to cause her further stress. please someone let me know what I should do. Sorry for the rambling let me know what you don't understand and Iw ill try to make sense of it for you. PHEW.
It sounds like SS10 is
It sounds like SS10 is acting out because he's not used to sharing his mom. He's acting out and being manipulative because in his head his needs are not getting met. My XH is going through this with our daughter--although not as extreme.
Also, children of single parents, especially those of the opposite sex, grow up fast. They fill roll of the same sex parent who's gone. Combine that with a mother who was more of a buddy to her son then an adult athority figure and Wham!---you've got a serious problem on your hands.
I think your wife is doing the right thing by taking SS to see therapists. Istrongly suggest all of you get into family counseling...particularily a therapist who specializes in blended families. They will teach you guys the tools to mantain a cohesive working unit.
good luck
Thanks, Stepchicka I was
Thanks, Stepchicka I was considering therapy but i was wondering if I should bring up these problems now because she is so far into the pregnancy or bite the proverbial bullet for the next couple months.
The issue should be tended
The issue should be tended to now, but be gentle with her. If it's not addressed, things will only get worse once the baby is born. Trust me, SS will kick it in even worse pulling at mommy.
Counseling now would be a good idea. And, you can do that without taxing her more. Maybe in counseling she can learn better coping mechanisms to ward off the panick attacks from stress. It would be good for all.
No worries jewie. I wouldn't
No worries jewie. I wouldn't tell your wife about the "problems". That approach would probably land you in preggo-wife-hot-water...lol
You can suggest to your wife that you want to make SS feel included (possibly more accepted?) by you. And you want a good relationship with your stepson; be a possitive father figure and not just with the child she's carrying.
I don't see how she'll say no to that. I'm sure she wants the household to run as smooth as possible especially when there's about to be a new addition to the family.
Just a heads up. I know you haven't had children before but when this one comes-- its going to be just you and SS10 while mama takes care of baby for a while. Now is the best time to get to know SS10
jewie - Congratulations! I
jewie - Congratulations!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this but can understand completely. My DH and I have a 6 mo. old together and he has a son from his first marriage (16 yrs. old). During our pregnancy, which was my first, a lot was spoiled due to the oldest child and the "been there done that" mentality of everyone. I had to not rely on them to share my joy. I had to find my own joy.
A few times during my pregnancy - SS and his mother raised their ugly heads and everything focused on that and took away from the joy of having our first. I had to tell my DH "you can't throw one son under the bus for the other son. I understand one is unborn and one you have a strong bond with because you've been through so much, and he is getting into trouble and you must be there for him, but you must also be there for the unborn. He needs to be protected and not stressed (everytime a pregnant woman gets stressed, her heart rate increases and can cause the embilical chord to tighten, which lessens the blood supply and oxygen to the baby).
It was 2 months after our son was born - SS got arrested for drugs, faked suicide to get out of felongy, and all hell broke loose that pulled my DH's priorities out of line. If it wasn't SS calling, it was BM calling with her crap (all of this was preventable - BM had been finding it since he was 13, then having her oldest son sell it for the money).
It was a very rough patch for us because I felt like 1st son took priority over our son. I had to explain to him how it made me feel, while trying to be supportive of what he was dealing with. Have you told her how you feel?
I have not explained how I
I have not explained how I felt as far as my experience being a father and the pregnancy but she knows how I feel about her sons behaviors but its always one excuse after another for what he does. It's the ADD it's him losing his father mind you she also informed me that his father), its him adjusting, etc. etc. etc. And I'm not saying all these things are not happening but he still should have respect for adults and not give trouble in school.
I think you should tell her
I think you should tell her how you feel about the pregnancy and becoming a new father. This is a huge event for you, and her as well. I don't care if it's the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd - a new baby should always be celebrated. I think your wife would be pleased to hear how important you feel this is and how excited you are - and not wanting anything to ruin it. I'm sure with everything going on and being pregnant, a little validation may help her, as well.
As far as your SS, life is full of adjustments - and they should not be used as an excuse for children to behave poorly.
It's unfortunate your SS is dealing with so much at such a young age and he has ADD. However, ADD is definitely not a plausible excuse for disrespecting adults or getting in to trouble at school. I know a lot of children who have been diagnosed with ADD and ADHD, and even before they were diagnosed/treated, they were still respectful to their parents and did OK in school. If the ADD keeps getting used as a crutch, this poor child will never adjust, nor become a productive young gentleman.
For my SS, he faked a suicide attempt when he got in trouble. The place BM took him too instantly put him on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc. Now, all of a sudden - everytime he acts like an ass, everyone says "don't be so rough on him, he's depressed". No matter what he does, there's always an excuse. The adults are enabling him by doing so instead of making him accountable.
My son was raised very
My son was raised very similar in that he lost a dad and was raised be a single mom for 5 years before my DH came along. BS has issues of sharing him mom, and thinking he is equal to an adult. But, that has started to fade now that my husband has been in his life the last 4 years. He is 14 and excelling in school. Everything has been working out with him. I think that when boys are raised by Single moms, they have a harder time when a guy comes around. There were some issues, but we dealt with each one. I never let my DH discipline him. I still don't. Give it time, sounds like they are trying to work with him. You can still enjoy this time with your new child, just remember what your wife is having to go through as well.
Good luck.
Well we are not married at
Well we are not married at this time. Not even moved in together. I just don't think I can live with her and her son and he can't even be corrected by me. I just can't be mr. Nice guy all the time and that is with any child. Sounds like your situation is great. You have a great DH.
Don't give up jewie. I still
Don't give up jewie. I still say go for counseling in fact this is actually better that you don't live together. You can solve the issues before taking a step further. You have time on your side instead of being thrown together all at once; watching the tea leaves fall.
Really it will be okay. The boy is probably just having hard time adjusting. He's going to be the baby anymore. He may feel left behind. Or not enough love to go around. Keep us posted on you guys, okay?
I think SS will be surprisingly happy being a big brother---he can keep his mentor-man status somewhat...with his little brother/sister...lol
thanks step chicka for the
thanks step chicka for the advice and encouragement and I will keep you updated, Only time will tell right.