Anyone had their SO loan money to BM?

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My SO and I have been living together since Feb 09. We have been dating since Aug 07. He and BM have been apart since Dec 06. Due to certain factors (mainly procrastination, some financial issues, etc.) SO did not file for divorce until Aug 09. BM cheated on him and is living with the man she cheated on him with. After mutual discussions with the BM, they agreed to terms and the papers were drawn up last week. She then refused to sign them because she wanted $600/mth from BF. They have a 50/50 custody arrangement (week on, week off) and yet he still pays 100% of everything, let me reiterate, 100%! All the way down to paying for their school lunches for the whole month. Not to mention that he has agreed to finish paying off the $5K for her car (loan is in his name), and pay for her car insurance until the end of this year. He has been more than generous with this woman and FULLY supports his children. The only thing she has to provide for them is food/utilities on her weeks. So, I worked with him to create a spreadsheet that showed how much he is paying, etc, and he used that as a visual tool to argue his case that he did not need to pay her anything. She finally saw the light and dropped her request for the $600/mth. He did concede to letting her claim one of the children each year. No biggie. I was very proud of him standing up to her and arguing his points and not caving in to her demands for $600/mth. However, he told me that she asked if she were to get in a bind, would he be willing to give her a loan, and he told her he would. Now here is the part where I should mention that although she was laid off in Aug of 09, she has willfully chosen to go back to school full-time instead of working. She claims she cannot work this semester because she is on academic probation. She says she will be looking for a job in May. Anyway, SO could not seem to understand why I was so upset that he even agreed to consider giving her a loan if she needed it. I asked under what scenarios did he feel it would be appropriate to loan money to his EX-WIFE while in a committed relationship with me. It was the "if it impacts the kids" line. Well EVERYTHING would impact the kids. If utilities are being cut off, mortgage not paid, no gas to drive, no food in the house, etc. My argument is that if any of those scenarios arise, he should simply say, I'm sorry to hear that. The boys can stay with us until your utilities are back on, you get food, you get gas, or WHATEVER her need may be. Am I overreacting that my SO would even consider giving his ex a loan? I explained to him that it makes me feel like he thinks he STILL has some type of obligation or responsibility to HER. I would love some thoughts and feedback on this.

In being fully fair to him, I should make the point that he told me the criteria would be 1) that he would be her last resort after family, financial institutions, man that lives with her, etc 2) that it would not be before Oct of this year (while he is still paying for her car) 3) it would be contingent upon whether or not he had the funds available 4) and upon her promise to pay it back. And he told me that he was talking in the $500-$1,000 range and no more than a couple of times over the next two years.
He then argued that “if she never asks for the loan over the next two years” it’s a moot point. I explained that it was NOT a moot point whether she never asks for it or whether she asks for it every single week. The point is that he AGREED to possibly giving his EX-WIFE (well as soon as the divorce papers are filed) a LOAN while in a committed relationship with me without even considering how that would make me feel.

I'd lose my damn mind if I

I'd lose my damn mind if I were you...

my husband has never given TheFrizz a dime more than he had to...He'd never loan her money. shit,girl he's so tight with his cash I'm lucky if I could get him to loan ME money

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

If they're drawing up as

If they're drawing up as 50/50...he's only obligated to half the expenses not a 100% anymore. That was probably the reasoning BM had for asking for CS. Sounds like you're BF took care of that tidbit.

Hmm...the loan thing BM is requesting....is for the kids...ie....orthodontics or something like that? Or, is it to help her so she can continue to go to school? If its the latter then she can apply for a loan through her school for her living expenses. Or a personal loan through her bank, or a PELL grant, or family, other plentiful options.

I'm a strong believer in getting your divorce settled before getting involved with someone. Unfrotuneatly I've learned the hard way...lol My DH(SO--not married but living like we are) still hasn't filed. It has caused so much unnessary tension in our relationship. I know if his divorce was finalized before we met then I would have accepted his and BMs conditions as reality.

Since that is not my reality, my feelings (like yours I'm assuming) are vested to the point of making disengaging next to impossible. There are things I don't want to know about nor should I know about as they go through the paperwork and such--yes they're finally filing like your BF!

If I were to give you more advice I would try your darndest to stay out of the divorce settelment. It will drive you f-ing bonkers...like me

Believe me Chicka. I truly

Believe me Chicka. I truly wish I had waited until he had filed the divorce before we moved in together. But hind sight 20/20 and he kept promising it was going to be filed "any day". In regards to any loan request the BM would have, it would be for personal use or some type of living expense for her (can't pay her mortgage, utilities, etc.) Again, SO pays 100% of EVERYTHING for the kids....extracurricular, clothes, medical, orthadontist, dr copays, etc. He is aware that if they do 50/50 he's only obligated to 50/50 of the expenses. But, he has chosen to be responsible for all their expenses. Again, she only has to provide food/utilities when they are with her every other week.

20/20 hindsight blows...lol

Honestly? I think you should

Honestly? I think you should be proud of your man. He is really stepping up- above and beyond. I think he is really trying to make the overall situation work.

Ideally mom won't ever need to ask for a loan. When parents can work together it's almost always a good thing though.

From a different perspective, I know that before current hubby and I got married, I did not expect to dictate how his money was spent (no matter how ridiculous I thought it was) and I didn't welcome input from him on how I should spend my money.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Yes, of course honestly.

Yes, of course honestly. I AM very proud of him and I have a great deal of respect for him for taking on the financial responsibility of his children. I realize all the things he COULD have done to her given what she did. He took the high road and always remained mindful that she is the mother of his children. Unlike my ex who cheated on me and still put me through hell with my own custody battles over the years. And I DO want them to be amicable (not overly friendly and buddy buddy) but I just can't get over the sick feeling in my stomach every since he told me that he agreed to consider a loan for her if she were in a bind. And yes, it is his money to do with as he wishes, but does that mean his choices don't have an impact on our relationship? If he were gambling, etc.? I can't shake this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every since he told me that. I'm trying, I really am, but something in my gut is telling me that because he agreed to that, his feelings extend beyond what is best for the kids. That he still feels an obligation to her personally. Hence, my handle of "secondbest". Sigh.

Put that way it makes so

Put that way it makes so much sense. Is there anything else that reinforces that idea of second best? Have you talked to him about these feelings? They are natural, so it's important for him to know that he has to and how to reassure you that you are not second best.

Did I read before that the divorce isn't final yet? Do you think once it is, once they are "officially, on paper and for all legally purposes really and truly not together anymore" that some of this will subside? (I know for me in that sitch it would be a huge difference) Maybe he needs to get on that a tad more aggressively.- If I read wrong before- then disregard this whole paragraph

We have talked and he does

We have talked and he does seem to understand for the most part. He is aggressively pushing this divorce. The papers were ready to sign last week and that's when she balked. They have apparently reached all the terms AGAIN and the attorney is just making the changes to the parenting plan. Hopefully those will be done this week, they can sign, and then it's just a matter of court date and it's done. Fingers crossed. I do think I will feel a lot better once signed sealed and delivered.

Working together should NOT

Working together should NOT mean lending money. If being amicable is based on whether or not someone will bail you out because you can't budget, that is blackmail.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I don't know, I think it

I don't know, I think it depends on the people involved and what they are comfortable with. What's right for one, might not be so for another.

I guess. I would never lend

I guess. I would never lend anyone other than my brother money and that would be with a written contract. I think it is a sure way to cause more problems. I lent my older brother money in the summer of 2006. He died that December. His wife felt that she didn't need to repay the loan (even though it was for HER kid's attorney).

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I would be bothered by it,

I would be bothered by it, too. My SO also has a 50/50 arrangement, 2 week on 2 week off. He does pay a monthly sum of support on top of paying for all of his daughter's needs... like your SO's ex, she is responsible for putting a roof over SD's head and food in her mouth during her time with her. Her boyfriend pays all of her bills and she stays at home, so basically she does nothing. She has asked SO for gas money every so often, while SD was living with us full time, so that she could visit her daughter... and SO agreed to it. SO agreed to drop $80 in her bank account because she told him that if he didn't he wasn't allowed at his own daughter's birthday party. Him paying her any sum of money other than what he's obligated to pay, when he goes above and beyond his call of duty as it is, infuriates me! He is not supposed to be supporting this woman!

The fact that she even feels the need to ask him for a "loan", ahead of time like this, tells me that it will definitely be brought up at some point. I think she's paving the way, to some day throw it in his face that he "promised" her that money if she ever needed it. Why won't he do it for his children? Blah blah blah. I would never even think to ask my ex for a "possible" loan of any sort. Why would I do that? It isn't his job to loan me any money.

"SO agreed to drop $80 in

"SO agreed to drop $80 in her bank account because she told him that if he didn't he wasn't allowed at his own daughter's birthday party."

Let's all say it together now "EXTORTION". You know what dh tells Wingnut when she calls for extra money because she needs it to take care of HIS daughter (suddenly she is HIS daughter)? He says "When I am in a bind or have an extra cost, I don't go to my boss and ask for an extra paycheck. I am your paycheck. Learn to budget"

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

BM tried to borrow $20 from

BM tried to borrow $20 from DH once, a few years ago. She wanted to take SD out to do something, but realized she had spent too much money that day. He was going to lend it to her too! I bout flipped out!!! Hell no, she gets child support one, and two, if YOU want to take your daughter to the movies that is YOUR responsibility to have money for it. We don't call you asking to borrow money when we want to take SD somewhere.

Then I got all pissed at him for being naive enough to think she would pay it back.

But that was years ago, and DH is way smarter now.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

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Anyone had their SO loan money to BM?