mother in law, step kids, bio kids.. .. ugh
so I have another situation..
My husbands mother, I probably dont need to say anything else but I will..
for the past 8 yrs she has only seen my husbands kids from his first marriage (B and A), she has never "seen" our 2 (G and R), even though they are all her grandkids.
She will buy the stepkids things and give them to them right in front of my kids, walk in and say "who wants to go skating" G and R will come running cuz of course they want to go, but she will say not this time and walk out with B and A leaving G and R crying at the window.
She will show up at G or R's birthday party with 1 cheap present from like the dollar tree, and a huge bag full of stuff from the mall and toys r us for B and A, I have pictures and video of her at my kids birthdays sitting off to the side with B and A while everyone else is singing happy birthday.. you get the point.
She has an 11 yr old son and all of the kids want to stay with him all of the time, the other night she was here and asked for B and A to stay the night with her son, my husband said no cuz it would hurt G and R feelings (he does try to defend them), my father in law said they can all stay (he is cool but quiet) she got a little pissy.. well G and R took off to get their clothes and my husband told her that B couldnt spend the night because he was still grounded for lying (again), she got pissed and left.. left my kids crying their eyes out not understanding how come they couldnt go if B couldnt go..G even went running to the door crying gramma please wait for me and she ignored him. I was pissed beyond belief, she only seens his "first kids". She feels sooooo bad for them cuz their parents got divorced, they were both under 2 when that happened, and pities them because their mother is a idiot and pulls crap every chance she can get, but what she does not understand is that she is hurting my kids, her other grandkids in the process of trying to make up for things with B and A...
My husband has tried to talk to her, even took things back and said if you cant get it for G and R too then dont get it for B and A..
I do not live near my parents, and I want my kids to have grandparents so I try to work with her as much as possible with out kissing her @ss.. but the other night was the last straw, what am I suppose to do? let her keep doing this to them?
This is super, its great to have a place to vent!!
No way you are serious? Why
No way you are serious? Why do you even let her in? What does your husband say? I can't believe this at all.
I have a very similar problem w/ my IL's too. My nosey/ rude mil first of all "suggested" I abort her only other granchild. Of course not the ss5. He is the golden one.
I put my size 7 down right away. No wih was she/ they going to treat one a certain way, and not mine. I told my dh- that bitch will never step foot in this house-EVER.
Of course she changed her tune, but I don't want a fake G'Ma. She can shove it where the sun don't shine. My other "mil" which is my fil's "new" wife actually goes behind my back on everything from FB to US postal service and talks with the ex-wife and the golden child. It's nuts.
Don't put up with that and don't accept fakness either. Your kids need that example...
You need to set some
You need to set some boundaries with MIL. If she can't treat all the children fairly, she should suffer the consequences of not being allowed to see any of the children. I wouldn't accept gifts for any of the children and she wouldn't be invited into my home. My parents treat my sd as their own so that she doesn't feel left out when my niece is there.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Yeah, B and A hung the
Yeah, B and A hung the moon..its really really hard not to resent them.. its the adult who is messing up, not them.. but its still hard.
He says what he can.. she makes excuses and justifies her actions.. saying that B and A dont have a mom.. well they do, she may not be what she should.. and they have me, I do everything for them I do for my own kids, but can not expect from them what I do my own kids (go figure), cuz when I do I am just being mean and unfair and evil..I dont think it is unfair to expect someone who is almost 13 to wipe his butt good enough so I dont have to rinse poop out of his underwear.. anyways.. she always has something to say, we are being unfair, we are mistreating him, even a few times we have heard that is my husbands first son and daughter and they should be treated that way.. wtf, I have older son and daughter, and they get treated the same..well one is 21 and one is 7 but you know what I mean.. I am not, and can not bow down and kiss that @ss of a 13 and 11 yr old.
I have told my husband that we are NOT going over to her house.. not for holidays, get togethers, nothing.. I told him that I WILL NOT put my kids in the position to be hurt again..then she will say or do the right thing and I will think things have changed and them BAM right back to B and A hung the moon.. it makes me sick.
I know what you mean. My MIL
I know what you mean. My MIL and SILs constantly push me to feel sorry for SD because her mother sucks. I can't make her mother's problems, my problems, I have my own issues. They want me to do all the mommy things and then some (to the order of kissing a$$) but I shouldn't discipline her or have any expectations. No thanks. After the holidays this year, I've decided to just steer clear of them. So just because your skids mother sucks, your kids don't get to have grandparents? Well isn't that just a perfect way to balance the world? I'm with you, if she can't behave, you need to keep your children away from her and her antics. And if she continues to spoil skids, then you should offset that with your kids with "special" things just for them. Not that it needs to be tit for tat, but when someone (mil, dh skids) complain, point out that you're merely balancing the preferential treatment from grandma. If dh won't (It sounds like he's trying, but he is allowing her to continue to do it simply because she talks her way around it) do anything about MIL then you need to. If she is going to bring gifts for A and B - then you need to get extra gifts for the other two and give them to them when grandma comes. Maybe that will show the evil witch how wrong it is.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
B, A, G and R are ALL her
B, A, G and R are ALL her grandkids.. I do not expect her to treat my kids from my first marriage like she treats her grandkids..I do however wish she would treat my husbands kids the same no matter who their mom is or if they are divorced, together, talking or not..
How sad! My heart breaks
How sad! My heart breaks for your little ones. Hopefully DH will step up and set some boundaries with mom but if it were up to me? Grandma would be banned until she can straighten up and treat all of her sons kids equally! All I can say is, what a b!tch!
If you have to make a choice... I think the pain she is causing the little ones far outweighs the benefits that the two older ones are gaining by having her in their life. JMO
Boo-hoo, Boo-hoo!!! You know
Boo-hoo, Boo-hoo!!! You know what? Love me or hate me but the kids today of a divorce don't go thru shit like we did.
It's absurd!!! They get like 20 birthdays/ xmas/ whatever, normally at least 2 homes with love...THAT would have been my dream come true- trust me here.
WHY does everyone feel sooooooo sorry for kids that are being literally spoiled rotten?
My mom busted her ass while my deadbeat dad married another 5 times in his very short life...Yeah, I'm not a f-up. I've never even been divorced!!! I f-ing did it alone with my mom (bless her) wth does everyone cry over a kid that goes thru a divorce with everything handed to them on a silver platter? Get real MIL/ FIL's!!!
I will say, my ONLY sympathy
I will say, my ONLY sympathy is that they live in two homes. I would never want to do that. But does that mean they should be treated like princes and protected from ever learning about how the real world really works??? Seriously, when they get to college / get a job, no one is going to give a damn that they had to live in two homes. In fact, chances are their boss has been there or has kids who are doing that. Wingnut is spending all her money overindulging SD and allowing her to do whatever she wants, but in my house, there is not special treatment. Okay, on some fronts it may be harder for her then some kids (but I only even give her that much because her mother sucks), but she gets two holidays, she has an extra set of grandparents (my parents), she has more clothes, shoes, and toys than any kid in the neighborhood....she just isn't on my sympathy list. I'll save my sympathy for kids who lost parents tragically or are being abused in their homes. The thing is that spoiling them is just causing them depression and anxiety because they form expectations of the rest of the world that are NEVER going to come to fruition resulting in failure.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I guess no grandparents are
I guess no grandparents are better than the ones they have!
I have a 21 yr old and a 19 yr old.. they do alot of double time to make sure that G and R have someone besides me.
I wish my husband was not so passive, dont get me wrong he dont agree with what she does, but really only says something when I lose my mind on him.. and say things about his mom that probably shouldnt be said about anyones mom.. but I do call them as I see them.
I love this website.. I stood up for what I thought was wrong for a few years but everyone acted like I was being petty and immature.. I didnt think I was because its not right to hand one kid a coloring book and the golden kids get bikes and taken on vacations... it feels good to have someone get you!!
marriedwithchild.. I agree..
marriedwithchild.. I agree.. I came from a VERY bad home.. I am a stronger person because of it. I have 2 kids of my own who when thru a divorce with me and their dad, they are fine, I do not and would not hand them anything (ask them they will tell you lol) and I expect certain things from them.. always have always will.
The step kids rely on her pity for them, and her giving it to them will not help them in life at all...like I said they were both under 2, this is the only life they have known.
Exactly epgr!!! I hear you
Exactly epgr!!! I hear you completely. I already have one son myself (18) had him as a very yong teenager, went to college, worked, worked, met my "late" husband who in turn adopted my son, who in turn passed away very yong over two years ago due to cancer rebound. NOBODY felt sorry for us- trust me. Not my mom, not me, not my firstborn, not the one on the way...We all could have used some help. Nope.
Yet I see this "problem" more and more, especially since I married and became a first time SM. The MIL/FIL whatever all feel soooooo sorry for the "kids" that went thru A divorce. Trust me, they'll live (and well it looks like) What about the kids who are forgotten/ neglected? Don't THEY count? Crazy....
No, it will not help them at all- trust me there. It will damage all of them. Maybe talk once more to your dh like I had to do? Be firm though.
I have a niece whose father
I have a niece whose father was killed in a car accident when she was 7 yrs old, my mom adopted her niece and 3 nephews because their parents are losers and couldnt stay off drugs or out of prison, those kids had been in 17 diff foster homes in 2 yrs.. one was born addicted to crack/cocaine, fetal alcohol syndrome.. etc..and ok I will say it, I have a niece with schizophrenia, 7 neices and nephews whose parents are divoreced..
Only one of them got sympathy, he has been in jail twice, he has been kicked out of several places (walmart included), he has several harrassment charges, theft charges and still thinks he is untouchable.. he was handed everything, he got sympathy from just about everyone (mostly my mom, now his mom), he has stolen her car, totaled it.. stole her new one.. totalled that too..
The other ones range from getting a degree, a marine, working with kids at a detention center.. the other ones have not been in trouble with the law, they have had expections and rules and got punished if they didnt do them..
leads me to believe if everything is handed to, and sympathy given to a kid it will always expect it and when something isnt givin to him/her they will just end up taking it..
I do not give sympathy at the drop of a dime.. things you go thru make you stronger.. divorced parrents is not a reason to feel bad for someone.
I witnessed the same thing
I witnessed the same thing in my family growing up. My brothers and I had rules. Most of my cousins didn't. We're successful, they're on welfare and drugs. Several of them have overdosed and one died from a heroin overdose. My brother died 3 years ago. His daughter is the same age as my sd. Everyone in dh's family keeps telling me how I have to go easy on SD because her life is soooo hard. No way. I don't even go easy on my niece. I love her too much to let her use her father's tragedy as an excuse to misbehave. My brother would totally disapprove of coddling her and I don't do it. And you know what - she loves me sooo much even though I discipline her more than anyone else in her life.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
thanks to everyone here I
thanks to everyone here I just blew up at my huband..lol.. I told him he has a limited time to get his mom straight on somethings, and if he didnt do it I would, and no one wants that (I kinda have a big mouth and years of tension, there would be no chance of a relationship with me or my kids, cuz I dont care to hear her justifications). Anyways, she is going to be told that walking out on G and R the other night was uncalled for B is the one who broke the rules, he knows he isnt suppose to lie, he knows lying will get him grounded.. he chose to lie, he broke a rule and now he has to be punished for it and that does NOT mean the others have to be punished with him, she is going to be told that using a divorce 10 yrs ago as an excuse to let the kids do whatever they want whenever they want is wrong and will NOT be tolerated.
kinda odd how complete strangers can give you a slap in the face and make you wake up!
this is my new fav website...sanity here I come!!!!!
Good to hear!! "God is
Good to hear!!
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Oh and MIL has a son B's
Oh and MIL has a son B's age, he is having a bday party this weekend and I told DH to inform his mom that walking out on the other kids leaving them crying at the window AGAIN, was wrong and doing shit like that will make it so B will not be going to the party if all of the kids are not invited (she used the excuse that her kid wanted only older kids there.. could be possible I guess, but whatev)..
and its not like B was innocent, he stood here looking at his gramma batting his eye lashes with big tears not saying anything, just waiting for his gramma to say he was going to her house that night.. seeking sympathy from her basically he does it all the time..
I told my husband that when they are 16 and 17 I dont want to have to remortgage the house for bail money and dont want A to be livng here preg and us support her and her kid.. all because no one but me has expectations and bounderies for them.. he needs to make others have it too.. I told him if not then he is on his own with them.. I will be done!
I feel like a new woman!!! lol
You go girl!! "God is
You go girl!!
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!