Christmas advice
I'm at a loss what to do with my adult stepkids. It's not that we argue. They have zero contact. I've been married to their dad for 6 years now. They seemed fine at the wedding and have been pleasant ever since, but distant, always having excuse after excuse why they can't visit or even call. Now, the most we can get out of them is an occasional email.
Now DH's sister gotten involved and is trying to get DH to spend Christmas with his kids alone. My kids and I are not invited. This would be a trip cross country for 3-5 days. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, but my kids are 14 and 16. It's a big deal for DH to be gone at Christmas, he's 'Dad' to them.
To explain, DH is widowed, we married less than a year after his wife passed- which was probably a mistake. But his 3 kids were away at college, and it was a bit 'out of sight, out of mind'. My kids were 8 and 10 at the time, and me getting remarried was a major adjustment for them. I thought things were fine w/ his kids, but DH left me out of the 'issues' he had with his first wife's parents, who were livid DH remarried so soon. His kids have always sided with their maternal grandparents and spent holidays with them. Last year, their grandfather passed (DH was not invited to funeral), now DH's kids are the primary caregivers for their maternal grandmother w/ advanced Parkinsons.
I kinda feel bad for complaining. My stepkids are responsible adults, they aren't in any trouble, they don't ask us for money. In fact, they don't ask or expect anything from us. Still, I feel like I'm at war with them. I think they should be ashamed of themselves for not having a relationship with their dad, instead, they're putting up these walls and telling DH's family DH doesn't care and has replaced them. They won't talk to DH or me, but unload on us with DH's sisters. Right now, DH's family's sympathetic and giving DH the guilt trip for not being there for his kids and 'Grandma'. Well, 'Grandma' thinks I'm the other woman who's living the high life on her dead daughter's life insurance money. Call me less than sympathetic.
It feels like they're emotionally blackmailing their father to shut me out so he can have a relationship with them and his new granddaughter (named after his first wife -arg!). This is a compromise that gives them all the power. I already went thru having a husband chose another woman over me and his own kids, DH has spent 6 years being a dad to my kids. I don't want to have to explain to them why their step-siblings get separate Christmas with Dad.
Should I stand my ground or let him go?
While I am sorry for the
While I am sorry for the adult Skids feelings after six years it is time to put aside their hurt and they should try to reconnect with their Dad. This means accepting not blaming you. You did not cause their mother to die and did not force their Dad to marry you. Their issue is with their Dad and they need to resolve their differences with him but not at Christmas. I do not think that your husband should agree to leave his wife and new family (esp. minors) at Christmas to cater to adult children.
I do think that the initial discussions with adult skids should be made by your husband alone so that he can feel free to hash it out with his adult children but not at Christmas. These wounds should not be aired at this time - you have 11 more months during the yeasr for this to take place! Regarding your husband's ex-MIL, she chose to disassocaite herself with him and when she fell sick his adult children chose to take care of her; therefore, she is no longer his concern.
His kids didn't make the
His kids didn't make the request. They honestly wouldn't make that kind of a request. DH's sister suggested it. The issue with DH's kids is that they never have talked to either of us. I understand why my SIL thinks it's a good idea, she gets there's no way his kids would spend Christmas ( or any holiday) away from their grandmother and their mom's family. DH's sisters thought Christmas would be a good time to sit down all 3 and hash it out. They're treating this a bit like an intervention.
DH won't go if I don't want him to go. I just worry that he's going to start resent the fact I'm causing him to miss major events in his own kids' lives. DH's sister was the one to tell him his oldest son's wife is expecting. I asked him if he was going to go out for the birth of that baby, and DH said he wasn't sure if he'd be invited. He's getting a bit disheartened that his kids are shutting him out so much. DH's sister told him that his kids have pretty much given up on their father actually being a father. I think that really stung him. They really see it as their mom's family supported them after their mother died and their dad went and found a new family.
I didn't hold a gun when he married me, but honestly, I worry if my husband knew marrying me would cost him relationship with his kids and cause such a fall out with his family and his first wife's family, I'm not sure he would have married me. At least not when we got married and the way we got married. It's different when your divorced, but with my husband, he also didn't chose not to be married to his first wife. And I think he also feels very guilty about not helping his former MIL when she's so sick. It's falling to his sons.
I've been trying to make this more about my kids than my feelings. I don't think it's fair to them. They've already got a complex about DH's bio kids.
I still feel an intervention
I still feel an intervention no matter who initiated it should not take place on Christmas Day. If you agree to have this during the Christmas holiday why not plan it for 2-3 days after so that he will not be away from you and your family on Christmas Day.
Regarding whether he would have married you knowing what he knows now - the question is really irrelevant. None of us know what the future will hold or how someone else will react to the choices we make in life. Once you make those choices, you have to deal with the consequences whatever they are. Yuor husband can not undo his actions.
All he did was remarry. If he had waited to remarry they may have re-acted the exact same way. From what I have seen most adult skids react in this same manner no matter what the circumstances are.
I agree Christmas isn't the
I agree Christmas isn't the time for an intervention, but the way my SILs see it, DH's kids all going to be there, and like it or not, they're all going to be talking about this. DH can stay home and pretend everything is fine or he can go there and try to repair the relationship. It's not going to get any easier. The skids have been making excuses why DH can't visit ever since SD had the baby. It's harder to say 'no you can't come for Christmas' than it is to say he can't visit when they're all busy with work and everything else.
DH's been willing to go visit anytime, but they keep saying they're all too busy, especially SD, who's definitely the most angry over all of this. SD was only 18 when we got married, we definitely made mistakes not being more concerned about her feelings. She got off to a really bad start with my kids, then went off to college, and her dad's only seen her twice since. She shut him out then, didn't even ask for money for school. Her grandparents paid for her college, even though her dad had a college fund for her to use. Not your typical problem adult step kid problems.
I agree with everyone that DH should stay home, but i also can't shake the feeling DH is going to resent missing out on a memorable Christmas with his own kids. Christmas isn't a big event with us, it'd just be the 4 of us and w/ teenagers, I just picture DH sitting at home Christmas morning listening to my son gripe about what video game he didn't get while DH is picturing what he's missing w/ all his kids and their families.
Is it common to for skids to shut out a parent like this? I'm sure if they were around all the time, they'd drive me crazy, but at least we'd have a chance to have some relationship.
hmm.....while i agree that
hmm.....while i agree that Xmas isn't the best time to hash things out I can see why SIL is using this time. She knows that neither her brother or her nephews will break the ice on their own. So I'm asking you, would it really be a detriment if you and your kids spend one holiday without DH? Especially if it means your husband and his other children can put things behind them. Who knows, they could settle things enough to start speaking to each other again then you guys would be more involved. How about the possibility that his other kids could spend the holidays with you and their step-sibs. This is a chance for your kids to put aside their insecurities as well.
Even if it doesn't work out with DH and his estranged children, he will get some closure. He can walk away knowing he really did try. That you all tried.
I know this ways heavy on you. It will take a lot strength for you and your kids. The strength that is not usually asked of children. You won't be judged no matter what you decide because we all know you are putting your children first. But if you decide to go forward with the plan....you and your kids are going to give this man the best Christmas gift of all....which is the chance to heal his pain.
Do what you both are
Do what you both are comfortable with. Its not fair to exclude you but his kids still need their dad....i assume thejust have a lot of hurt thinking their dad replaced their mother so quick after her passing. its normal. It is not correct but normal.
Has he ever tried to talk to
Has he ever tried to talk to them about why they shut you guys out? Do you think him going would actually solve anything, or set the expectation that he should always come without you and your kids? You really have to go with your gut instinct, but my gut instict would be that if you're afraid he will resent you for him not trying to work it out, if xmas is not a big deal at your house and your kids are teenagers, I would say going this one time is okay. If it makes you resentful and will cause problems in your marriage, I think he should find a way to go maybe a day or two after xmas.
I think DH not going will
I think DH not going will cause a lot of resentment for both DH and his kids. The skids still resent the fact that DH didn't go to his oldest son's college graduation. SS graduated just a few months after we got married, my kids were in couldn't go, so DH didn't go. So DH wasn't invited to the other SS and SD's graduations. This is when they really shut us out. They say they just assumed DH was busy and didn't want to be involved. It wasn't emotional, it was just like they just simply stopped being involved. I guess these are the things SD and his former MIL are still angry about, but have never talked to DH about.
I talked to my SIL again, and she insists this visit isn't just about rehashing all the old stuff. She sees this as an opportunity for her and DH to go there and help w/ the issues their grandmother. She's worried about them being overwhelmed. My SIL is a ICU nurse, she wants to sit them down and talk about options for their grandmother; nursing home, in house care, hospice, medical power of attorney etc. Things DH had to deal w/ his firstwife. SD has an infant, SS has a baby due in April. SIL doesn't think it's fair that DH hasn't been more understanding about the situation his kids are in.
SIL suggested going a few days before Christmas. DH could fly home Christmas morning and be back in CA for by noon pacific time. I don't know if I can argue with that. And I can't let my insecurities get in the way. I will admit I worry so much about DH liking his kids more than mine.
I'm the opposite version of
I'm the opposite version of your situation only I was the widow who remarried too soon. It's been hard on my deceased husband's family accepting our new situation but they all live out of state and even when my first husband was alive we only saw them every 3 years or so. I feel like my stepchildren are trying to take advantage of their dad marrying into a family of wealth given I had life insurance on my first husband and got an inheritance from my dad passing away. They just assume what's mine is his and it's not so. If the roles were reversed, I would tell my hubby to take that money and use it on himself and leave it to his children.
My hubby has a strained relationship with his children. 2 ex-wives with children from each marriage. One son hasn't ever met me or seen his dad in person in 3.5 years. Sometimes relationships with grown adult stepchildren are one-sided. In our case my DH thinks his kids can do no wrong until they disappoint him. They can go months without visiting or calling him then he's supposed to do as they say when they do make contact (I don't think so). The phone works both ways. If these adults have made the decision to not be a part of their father's life, an intervention requested by another family member is only adding fuel to the fire. I sure wouldn't want to place myself in an awkward situation at Christmas which is a gathering time for families that's meant to be happy, not forced.
Personally if your husband can get a week of vacation off, I'd have him split the week between his grown children and the ones that live at home if he and all the children are in agreement about meeting to resolve differences. You can't control the final outcome but you can make suggestions to your husband. Nothing makes me madder than to see my husband's children treat him like crap and play head games to get their way after long periods of no contact. I'd rather they have nothing to do with us than be fake towards their Dad and only come around when it's convenient for them. Good luck!
Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (19). DH has been married twice before me.