I'm going out on a limb here, because I know this is a hot button issue for folks, but I've known my SSs for three years and I still only feel a sense of tolerance for them, not love. I'm not sure I'll ever feel love for them and I think the feeling is mutual. They are like demanding houseguests who stay at my home every other weekend. I'm like a cross between the nanny and the innkeeper for them. We say hello and good-bye to one another, but it's mostly me saying hello and good-bye. Sometimes, DH tries to get them to hug me before they leave and that's awkward for everyone.

We get along fine, I don't dislike them, but they are relatively unremarkable. They don't try hard at school, don't really try hard at the sports they supposedly love, and don't seem to have any real interests other than playing video games and either watching or talking about YouTube celebrities. I try to have conversations with them, but they usually involve me asking questions and getting one-word answers. They think mostly about themselves, not others, demanding that DH spend money on them and pouting if they only get one treat when we're out, not two. In the time I've known them, they have never gotten DH a present or even a card for his birthday, Christmas, or Father's Day. I think if they were my own kids, I'd feel sort of disappointed in them.

When they are with us, they come to me (not DH) when they have questions or need things, so I know they feel comfortable around me and they know I will help them if they need help. Other than when they need something, the only time they really care if I'm around is if I don't attend one of their sporting events, even though they don't talk to me at their sporting events because BM is there. DH has to remind them to say hi and thank me for coming, otherwise I wouldn't even get a nod from them. Still, they always want to know after the fact why I didn't show up.

They are also a bit high maintenance and emotionally needy, which is maybe due to the divorce, but I don't feel as if it's my job to make up for the fact that their parents got divorced. I'm not okay with middle schoolers having screaming, crying meltdowns for hours, especially over things like bedtime or not getting to go to some age-inappropriate event. I'm not okay with having to bite my tongue in my own home and not call DH out for doing something inconsiderate or irresponsible when his children are around, simply because they are extra sensitive about conflict since their parents fought all the time. I try to be sympathetic, but BM refuses to have them see counselors to help them cope and I don't think everyone should tip-toe around them because their parents are divorced.

I don't have any children and am not sure I want any. DH would like for us to have a child, but I think part of his motivation is that if I had a child, I would feel more tied to his family. I'm not sure I would. MIL has been nice to me, but she still expresses a lot of opinions about what I should be doing as a stepmother and how DH shouldn't spend any money on us, because it should all go to his children. She also feels tremendous sympathy for BM and has meddled in some of DH's conflicts with her. BIL and SIL have been stand-offish. Their children don't even know who I am, but BIL and SIL rush out to bring their children to say hi to BM whenever she drops the kids off at a family event (even though DH got divorced when their children were 3 and 6 months). DH says "they are just protective of my children."

I plan to high tail it out of here (with DH) and move closer to my family as soon as SSs are 18. I'm sure this will cause fighting for us, but DH agreed to a move before we got married and since I haven't exactly been welcomed into his family with open arms I have no support system here other than DH. I don't even get to see my family much any more because money is tight and most of the extra money we do have is spent on the children. That and if DH and I did go alone, everyone would have something to say about how terrible we were for not taking the children with us. Even though DH agreed that we could move when the kids are adults, he has simultaneously been working to convince me otherwise and even told MIL about it. She encouraged him to buy us a home that was too expensive for us, so we'd be "stuck here."

I'm writing this here, because I can't share this with my DH. I know that his children are a huge part of his world and it feels strange that he is so excited when they are around and just wants to do everything with them, while I just feel sort of emotionally detached about having them around and can't wait for us to do things together, with just adults around. He and I have also talked about the need for us to have part of our life together that does not revolve around his kids. I told him before we were married that I would need that in order to be happy in our relationship. He agrees this is needed while we're discussing it, but then makes excuses later for why he can't follow through (he's too tired to do things on his non-visitation weekends, he needs to rest because he feels like he's getting sick or his foot is bothering him, he doesn't want to spend money because money is tight).

Maybe I would feel differently about the kids if DH was more willing to also work on us, maybe I would feel differently about the kids if DH's family was more welcoming, maybe I'd feel differently if I had met them when they were younger (middle school kids are pretty difficult to like sometimes, let alone love), but part of my feeling has to do with the fact that they are pretty boring overall and expect to be treated like pampered princes when they are around.