Hello everyone, I'm new and I need help!!!!!
Hello to everyone, I'm new to this site so please bare with me!
Here is my story in a nutshell,
My fiance and I have been together now for just about 3 years. He was once married, I'll just call her "CRAZY" and together they have 2 boys(6 & 8 ). When they divorced she gave my fiance full physical custody, so now she only gets them 4 days out of the month. Long, LONG story short....since day one she has made my life a living he**! I didn't come into their relationship when it was still going, my fiance had moved out and was living on his own etc. etc. etc.
The 4 of us(me, my fiance and the boys) live a happy life most every day, doing what "normal" families do: school, homework, family dinners, bedtime stories, family vacations the whole 9 yards. I take care of these boys as if they were my own, I get up at night when they're sick, I do the whole school room parent thing, I go to every conference, I go to every school performance, I do!
I guess what I need help with is, how am I supposed to handle when she calls my fiance and wants or demands then it affects OUR family routine/schedule? This woman doesn't clip her kids nails, doesn't clean their ears, doesn't feed them healthy foods, doesn't even see that her boys need haircuts(we have to tell her like she's a small child herself, that "hey, the boys need a haircut this weekend when they're with you!") She hasn't even asked for any artwork of the boys to hang up at her house, she doesn't ask about school, anything! And here's a shocker, she thinks it's a good idea to put her babies on an air mattress on a wood floor when they come to stay with her IN HER HOME for the weekend! Shouldn't your children have a bed to sleep on at their mom's house....she has one!?! I am sooooo fed up with this person. What do I do, how do I handle this person that wants to be mom when it's convenient to her or when it might make her look good. When she stepped out, I stepped in and have become mom to the boys, they know routine with me, they know structure, they know constant love, they know I'm reliable and I will always be the constant. So how do I handle WITHOUT getting fuming mad(because that's usually where I go) when this woman wants her few minutes of "mommy time?"
Thanks for reading, I look forward to any advice!!
Crazy BM is a deadbeat plain
Crazy BM is a deadbeat plain and simple. You being a great mom to her kids reminds her she's a loser which turns her into a raving lunatic. People like that aren't worth letting them get to you. The boys have been raised by you and your fiance which is the best thing that could have happened to them.
I know it's tempting to get into it with her but let your fiance handle BM as much as possible. Hand the the phone to him when she calls or take a message for him. Even if she's targeting you, direct the attention that you're not the one to talk to about these things. If she's at the door knocking keep it short an sweet. Remaining calm and dismissing her will drive her bonkers and will spare your sanity. 2 points for you
Your skids bm reminds me of a nutty auntie I used to visit. Even at a young age i knew not to take her seriously. She was for entertainment only. While keeping the vomit down, encourage the boys to love their mom for who she is in their eyes even if its one positive thing.
WOW, THANK YOU! Your words
WOW, THANK YOU! Your words made me feel awesome and you're completely right 100%!!
You being a great mom to her kids reminds her she's a loser which turns her into a raving lunatic.
You couldn't have said it any better, because that's EXACTLY what it does! We(my fiance and I) even lay low and just answer the phone politely when she calls to talk to the boys, we don't look at her at drop off/pick ups, nothing and she still gets a hair in her ass and tries to cause problems. She is a frickin whack job!!!! Like I said, you are completely right, I do need to remain calm(as hard as it is) and dismiss all that she does because that will really get under her skin!
Again, thank you so much!
J
Unfortunately the courts
Unfortunately the courts want kids to have "mommy time" as you put it, even if she sucks as a mom. All you can really do is continue to be their mother figure. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. But no matter what, she will always be the BM. It doesn't mean she's good at being a mom, but she will never lose that title.
I think that kids are so lucky that when born with sh**ty BMs, they get a second chance with people like you who step in and step up. Good for you.
Thank you! You're right,
Thank you!
You're right, and my fiance tells me basically the same thing all the time. The boys have to see her every other weekend(thanks to the courts) and they know her as mom and they know that they are supposed to love her but as time goes on they will begin to see the real truth and see the real woman that is their "mom." These 2 little boys didn't ask to be brought into this crappy situation and they didn't ask to have this kind of a mom, nor do they deserve it. That's what pushes me every morning to wake up, those 2 little boys in the next room deserve to have a "REAL" mom, a woman that they can depend on 24/7, 365 days a year to love them, feed them nutritional foods, teach them right from wrong, help them learn how to solve everyday problems, make memories for and with them etc. That woman is me and will ALWAYS be me for as long as I live.
She just gets under my skin BAD when she tries to come in and be 24/7 mom when that's my role now, she gave that up when she signed her name at the "X" for dad to be awarded full physical custody, hell it was really before that when she gave up on them. How do I handle that, do I just sit back and NOT voice my opinion or feelings because she's their BM?
Look forward to hearing your thoughts!
J
Mommy time is important even
Mommy time is important even if she is a subpar mommy. Basically you have to take the emotion away from dealing with her. Just remember they are always going to be with you for the majority of the time so that leaves time for haircuts,earcleaning,bathes,good meals,etc... Just think of mommy time as like a camping trip for them...they're roughing it when they visit mom. I DO think kids should have a bed when they visit their other parent but I can't really say too much about bc I slept on an air mattress for about a year one time bc I couldn't afford real furniture.
The best thing to do is to stop trying to teach this woman how to raise her kids bc she isn't really listening obviously...she sounds like a child like you said. all the worrying is serving no purpose other than getting you upset. You're doing the best you can with the situation you've been given and I think the children are going to be just fine bc of you
Thank you for your advice!
Thank you for your advice!
As far as the bed thing goes, if she can afford to take them to McDonald's every weekend she has them or to the movies and she can afford to take them to Target and Toys R Us and buy them toys and other stuff and if she can afford to buy the boys a cell phone to keep here at OUR home(waste of her money there because we DID NOT allow that to come into this house) so that they can call her whenever they want then she can afford to save up for a bunkbed which is the right and VERY smart thing to do!
And you're right, it's not my job or my fiances job to teach her how to raise her kids, we just need to let her keep doing what she's doing because soon enough it's going to backfire, BIG TIME!
Thanks again for the advice!
J
Is there a court order in
Is there a court order in place that dictates when her four days a month of mommy time are to occur? Also, exactly how and when exchanges are to go down.
If not, it will relieve so much tension if you can get that in writing. Then you know the exact when, where and how of every visit the skids have with her. I find it makes me less frustrated if I know ahead of time what to expect. It's when BM wants to deviate from that making me change my plans that upsets me. With everything in writing, if BM wants to deviate, that's on her. Neither DH nor I are required or feel compelled to go out of our way to accommodate her wishes. If we do so, BM knows it's as a favor to her and doesn't go off when we say no.
There is a court order and
There is a court order and it states that she gets them every other weekend starting Friday @ 6pm then ends Sunday @ 6pm. We were dropping the boys off to her on Fridays at 6 and she was dropping the boys off here on Sundays BUT she screwed that one up one day when she dropped them off early and we weren't home yet, we were on our way home from getting groceries!! She left them, when we pulled up they were standing on the front step alone and she was nowhere to be seen....getting down to her boyfriend was the most important thing that day!!! So now we meet at a parking lot close to our house. And as far as knowing ahead of time what to expect, doesn't work so well for us because EVERY weekend we wait for her to call with some excuse as to why she needs to drop them off early or why she can't have them until 6. She has a 3 week consecutive visit in the summers and this past summer, her last week with the boys she was calling my fiance every day with some excuse about not being able to have them until the end of the week, EVER DAY, NO LIE!!! How sad is that, she couldn't even stand to be with her boys all the way til the end of her court appointed time?!?!?! Hell, court or no court.....those are your children!!!!!
Well she is jealous of you
Well she is jealous of you stepping in....but since she gave him full custody - there is not much she can do about it.
I am sure those boys enjoy and appreciate what you do for them and with them. So take pride in that.... they are what is most important.
Don't allow her bullcrap to come in and cause you anger when you are doing what is right. She is so not worth it.
When the kids are older they will see that as well.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
THANK YOU! I take pride
THANK YOU!
I take pride every time I see them or hear them call my name with so much excitement and love!
You're right, they will see who their real mom is in the end. And I know she's jealous of me but how do I handle her when she tries to step in(for her benefit only) because she is their BM? Do I just sit back and shut up, let her think she's in charge? I mean this woman lives about 30min away from us, her mom however lives about 10 minutes so when it's her weekend to have them she doesn't take them to her home she takes them to her moms. When picture time at school came around my fiance and I just ordered pictures for his parents and mine(my family treats them like they are blood family members) and figured she's an adult, she can call the school and order her own packages. Well that didn't happen, oldest son told her he had pictures taken at school and she flipped her lid, sending my fiance mean, rude text messages then even argued with him about it in front of the boys..."why didn't you call or include me?" blah blah blah! I blew up, those 2 little boys aren't good enough to go to your home where you sleep every night, where you live but you wanna throw a fit and argue about not being informed of pictures?!?!? How does that work.....
Look forward to hearing your thoughts!
J
I have just realized after 3
I have just realized after 3 years that BM won't change and no one can do anything to change her. If she can't change for her child, she's not going to. Trust me when I say if you don't let this go, you will waste alot of your time being angry. Good for you for stepping it up since she won't. What a deadbeat!
Thank you! And I'm
Thank you!
And I'm starting to come to terms with that, I can't be angry anymore because it's starting to take it's toll on me. But how do I deal with her stupidity, her demands, her actions, do I just say nothing and let her think she's in charge?
Look forward to hearing your thoughts!!
J
I didn't read anything that
I didn't read anything that was so horrible. A "good" Mommy? No.
A Mommy that should not have her children? I've seen worse.
Make sure the kids hair is cut before they go over there if its important.
Listen you bought into a family that has a non-functioning bio-mother. Accept her as a somewhat inept but harmelss babysitter and take the weekend off. If you think you got problems read what the others are experiencing with their bio's.
Look you're new at this so don't take anything I said personally. I don't blame you for caring for the welfare of these kids but from what you've described they're going to be OK.
You continue doing what you're doing and in the end the kids will recognize who was the "real Mom".
*********************
100 years from now it won't matter if you were successful in business, church or your social circle. But it will matter if you were important in the life of a child.