depression getting worse as the days go by....

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i was in therapy for a short time. just found out my last appointment the funding has run out for my services, so i can either pay them 80 a visit or i have to be discharged. i have no choice but to discharge as i have no money, thats why i requested the funding for therapy.

i feel so helpless and hopeless. no job (cant find one), no place to go (i refuse to bring bd3 into a shelter of any kind--she's been through enough), no resources. i cant stay with family, as no one has the room or the finances for 2 extra people. i am stuck here, in stepparent hell, with a bf who is a guilt parent. i have the 400 i got from a 'friend' but nothing else has been saved up for my escape. i cannot get any help anywhere, no churches or anything.

if it wasnt for bd3, i would have offed myself months ago. i still feel my only means of escape is to leave this world, but i know bd3 is better off with me than anyone and i wont leave her stranded.

maybe i will wait until she is on her own, then if i am still in this pile of shit i call my life, i'll do it. sd11 would maybe change if i am gone or maybe bf will find someone stupider than me to deal with sd and his shit.

its so funny, i watch extreme makeover home edition and think of how lucky those people are, to have a new life built for them. home is where the heart is they say. but what if your 'home' feels like a prison? my heart is elsewhere and i am stuck here. i wish i could have a story for that show, so maybe bd and i could ahve a place to call home. but i know i am nothing so my story is nothing too. oh well.

Can you go visit family? You

Can you go visit family? You mentioned they don't have the financial means to take you in but how about a few days for a breather. Its quite apparent you're stuck in a funk, and a bad one to boot, just getting away for couple days will make you feel better. YOu'll get through all of this but you're going to have to be strong. Offing yourself at anytime will cause a lot of pain for your child and loved ones even when they're grown. Its just not an option, okay? btw...you have it bad but it could be worse. I'd take a guilt ridden BF over an abusive one any day. Be thankful you have roof over your head and your bd3 is in good health.

As for therapy, the best kind is buying a pair of cute shoes. I'm serious...it totally works. Sorry for the bad timing of humor but I'm a believer of wearing my therapy.

The best of luck to you and your family.

thank you for the advice

thank you for the advice stepchicka, i would be able to stay a few days but what i am looking for i think is time alone to sort things out. my parents are the only ones around here close and they take care of my nephew cause my sister is a bad mother, and so they wouldnt be able to take on bd3 as well.

and if i had the money and the look, i would LOVE to do shop-therapy.

how are you doing with your step-situation?

There is always a way out. I

There is always a way out.

I would reccomend contacting a Social Worker to see what resources are available to you. They may be able to get you into a home and provide funds to you until you are on your feet. Don't commit suicide...please EVER. Do not leave your child alone in the world like that. Even if they are on their own, at 29 I still need my parents in an emotional and supportive way. Never deny your child that. Call a suicide help line and speak to a ocuncellor that way...it's free.
You obviously have access to the internet so get searching, study what your options are. Your daughter may have to go through a shelter or womens group home of some kind until you can find accomodations on your own. Talk to family and friends..they are the best councilors at times and ask them for advice on what resources would be available to you. The worst thing you can do at this time is be a victim. Get out of the victim mind set if not for yourself, do it for your daughter. Be strong, and do what you have to do to get to where you want to be. DOn't be a victim and don't let others see you as a victim, be a survivor who can live through anything life throws your way.

Purpleflower

Not being able to find a job

Not being able to find a job is the worst. This is a tough time on everyone. Have you pounded teh pavement with your resume? I find people find it a lot harder to say no to your face.

I really hope the tides turn for you soon and you start to have some good luck.

Yes. Exactly what I was

Yes. Exactly what I was thinking.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

You got it DPW! Dead-on!

I am new here..however...it

I am new here..however...it seems to me that you have a serious case of self-pity. Since you have a bio-daughter, I would think that you would bust your ass to get everything in gear and get yourself somewhere happy and safe. You cant continuously complain about something if you DONT do anything about it.

Is there ANYTHING positive in your life? And if there is, do you dwell on it as much as you do the negative?

IMO - you need to get off

IMO - you need to get off the computer, pack up your daughter, and get to a shelter ASAP. They even have counselors that will help you through these issues.

I know it's easier to sit here having a pity party, but what is that teaching your daughter? If you love her at all, you'd get some help.

dpw--i am NOT trying to scam

dpw--i am NOT trying to scam ANYONE. thanks for making me feel lower.

i am afraid to go into a shelter with bd3. i am afraid to go into a spiral of home after home. i can adjust, but maybe bd3 cant, and i dont want her to be even more fucked up than she might already be. yes i know being here isnt ideal at all, but its a stable home she has been in for much of her life.

i already regret it.

DPW is right....dead on

DPW is right....dead on right. Evil..your daughter is 3 years old for the love of god..she isnt going to remember this drama if you get out now. YOU are the one that needs to be stable for her..and yourself.

No one here is making you feel worse. You are doing that to yourself. Again...stop the pity party and get your ass in gear. You may not like to hear what we have to say, but you post for a reason. Either its to get pity and someone to say they will fund you..or its because misery loves company..or you seriously want to help yourself and just need a kick in the butt to start it.

Focus on the fact that you DO have a child that depends on you. Someone that you have to look out for. After reading this post I went back and read some of your others. I feel no empathy for people that continuously say "they should off themselves." You know why? Because its the most selfish act in the world. If its really that bad..give your daughter to someone who will take care of her..and take the leap. If your life is that bad, who will miss you? Now...step back and think about that.

I'm not trying to be mean, and I know I come across that way. But if you take that step back from your life...read your posts as an OBSERVER and not the person living it..what would you think of someone else?

It sounds awful and it's

It sounds awful and it's hard for us to tell you what to do because we can't possibly know all of the details- so I will reserve judgement and trust that you to make the right decision for you and your daughter. Maybe that does mean waiting for a job to come your way so you have some cash to realize a proper getaway. I just wanted to write because I think you are in a very bad place right now and I want you to know that people are rooting for you:)
I'd hate to see you without any counseling. Does the shelter have someone you can go and talk to? I don't mean stay there, but maybe they can give some advice.

well i called the crisis

well i called the crisis center cause its sunday and they told me that i can volunterialy check myself in and the state will pay for it, but i dont want to do inpatient. i just want some professional help! i cant afford the copayment of anywhere in my area.

im not sure why i post. maybe just to vent or see if someone can come up with something new for me to do. idk. i'm sorry. sorry for how i am, and how i come across to everyone. you all are right, i do need to stop the pity party. lol i just realized i sound so much like bm...ewe. anyways, idk bbut thanks for the advice everyone, even though some was harsh, i do appreciate it.

Do you guys have a crisis

Do you guys have a crisis helpline or something like that in your area? It's free and they are trained to help and might be able to offer solutions.

Venting is good and looking for advice is great. Hopefully someone will offer something that works.

everything everyone has

everything everyone has offered will work if i actually get off my fat ass and do it.

Empathy can only go so

Empathy can only go so far
You seem to be seeking some magic solution. Unfortunately,their is no magic wand that can fix your problems. Every time someone has offered you a solution,you come up with a reason why you can't/won't do it.
Since your BD is on SSI,I am sure you are familiar with the way things work.
If you are getting food stamps and are not working you are eligible for Medicaid,Food Stamps and cash assistance.There is little no copay for mental health care or prescriptions. If you were really feeling that bad,you could go to your local ER and they will evaluate you,and put you in contact with a social worker,who can help you get low cost/free care. If you are only getting $240 in food stamps,you must not be declaring BF or SD,because that figure is way off for a family of four. http://www.myflorida.com/accessflorida/ If you are not disabled and can work,the state offers plenty of options to help you find a job,and you are already in school,so it is a matter of determination and will. As far as housing,even though it may take a while,you have to apply to get the process started. Again none of this is going to just magically happen,you have to make some kind of effort.
Your chronic victimization may be the indication of a mood/personality disorder that can be helped. You admitted that you are overweight and that you smoke a lot. If you have been chronically broke and short of food,how do you have money for cigarettes,and the luxury of being fat?
You use your BD as an excuse to hold on to your 'miserable' life,but I suspect that she is suffering with you and your BF benign neglect,while you go through all this self absorbed drama.Moving to a shelter will be the least damaging to her pysche,versus fighting,indifference,and being around a depressed parent. Your BD has so many medical issues,I don't know how or why you would focus on SD,especially since a counselor has advised you to back off,in addition to her asking you to as well. How can you provide any example of stability and support,when you admit that you haven't been stable in at least 5yrs? Then you want to knock an 11yo for damn near losing her mind,when she has to be subject to you and her parents BS.She is the one to feel sorry for,because she can't go anywhere where she is safe and secure,with adults that are responsible and caring.I think you know that if you go into a shelter,you will have to take action and be responsible,and you won't have BF to blame. You and BF have a choice,she doesn't and neither does BD.
You are trying to put it all on your SD,but she is the least of the family problems.
I don't want to make you feel any worse,but there are people here that really may feel sorry for you,and you are acting like there is nothing you can do,and that is not right.There is help available,but you are going to have to push back from the trough,stub out your cigarettes,get off the computer/board,and get back to reality.
And so no one thinks I am making this up and being
mean,here is the link to FL DCF http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/ess/ and a link to low cost providers database http://fl.thebeehive.org/node/3390...

The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi

first of all, all of my

first of all, all of my attention goes to bd. the shit with sd11 gets dealt with at other times. you dont live with me, so you only know what is posted here, which i know can be misconstrewed.

all 4 of us are on my case, so while 240 a month sounds low for a family of 4, that is what we get.

i have the luxery of smoking the cheapest, nastiest cigs around. smoking is an addiction, some cannot just quit.

as far as being fat, that is not a luxery, it is a problem i have dealt with since i was about 20.

as far as knocking an 11yo, what is YOUR situation? the truth is that sd is the subject of everyone's bs (excluding bm). it happens in families alot where a child, whether bio or step, can ruin marriages and lives and create great turmoil in a household. sd IS the family problem.

you must be a bm or at the least a sm with great skids and a great dh/bf.

I am glad to see that you do

I am glad to see that you do have enough gumption to be defensive,because that is a start.I was waiting for the indignation. It proves just what I said. Everything you said is contradictory to solution.Even your replies about smoking.You are right about the addiction being hard,but not impossible to beat
You are absolutely right, I do only know what you post here,and since you wrote those posts and I am literate,I didn't misconstrue anything. I think you misconstrued what benign neglect is----it can be positive
http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2008/01/a-bit-of-benign....
I know that you smoke,a lot,and you have been doing so around your daughter,which is selfish and risky. Yes nicotine is very addictive,but again there is support and resources for PEOPLE WHO WANT TO QUIT,especially if their kids are going to get sick.
Even if sd dropped of the face of the earth,you would still be miserable. It would still be someone else's fault.
My situation is pretty good because I choose to use common sense,decency and personal responsibility to make decisions on how I am going to live. I am not perfect,and I don't expect perfection from those around me.Much like my other life experiences, I use these forums for sharing,reading and seeking solutions from others' experiences.Venting is a perfectly normal action,and there are people including myself,who take joys in the positive outcomes that can be had. Then some people love being caught up in drama,being the victim,and nitpicking every nuance of somebody's behavior,except for their own. I don't live to be a bitch,and when I am being one I fully own it,and I don't feel slighted when called on it,because I am fully aware,and sometimes indulge in it,with adults.
So, regardless of how bitchy,depressed or angry I feel,I will not subject any child to that,much less the child of my SO.Not because I am better,but because I know better,and I am an adult,fully in control of what I do and how I treat people,especially children. Other people are talking about solutions,possibly even leaving their family and you are talking about offing yourself,because there is no hope.But there is,and I was merely stating that,while pointing out that life was not a cakewalk before SD came into the picture.
As far as you being fat being a luxury,it is. You have been crying broke since about July/August,so when I called being fat a luxury,I was being facetious.A hungry bitch will get food,by any means necessary,especially if my baby needed to eat.I had a bad couple of months last year and lost 17lbs,because I had to cut back on food,especially processed,expensive food. I also quit smoking because at $10 a pack,cigs were costing what a meal would.
I would love to delve deeper into this with you,but I know it would all be moot.I hope that something on the links can help you out,and I really hope that if you are struggling you will realize the limitations that you have in place can only be lifted by you,and know that no amount of advice here can change who you are fundamentally as a human being. Only you can change your situation, and I wish you peace and blessings in your journey.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi

Excellent post! EBSM08 you

Excellent post! EBSM08 you should really listen to her...

I agree that things don't

I agree that things don't get fixed easily. It takes hard work. You need to be willing to put in blood, sweat and tears, so to speak. Nothing good comes from sitting on your ass, as you said. Get up and change your life for the better, then you can relax and breathe that sigh of relief.

EmpatheticE - Your posts

EmpatheticE - Your posts have been some of the best I have ever read!! Wow. Welcome to StepTalk... It's great to see you writing on here!

EBSM - We really are not all cold and indifferent to your plight. We are cold and indifferent to your reactions to your plight. If you made the effort of making one step to make your own life better, I think you'd be very surprised by how many of us would be on your side cheering you on.

But the ball is in YOUR court. No one else's. Only you can make this situation better, or ...

Stay where you are. Allow your BD to grow up in a dysfunctional home, with a stepsister who has emotional issues, a stepfather who has his head in the sand, and a mother who is too depressed and worried about taking a step so she allows a bad situation to continue.

I think you would condemn a woman who would stay with a man who sexually abused a child, wouldn't you? Don't you think if you talked to her, she would sound exactly like you with the reasons why she couldn't leave? No money, no place to go, etc.

I really pray that you get some strength to tackle this head on. Because your daughter needs you.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***