I wish my Stepson would move out
I have a 21 yr old SS (22 in 2 weeks) living in my basement. He moved back home after he found himself in a ghetto in a crime ridden area with no where to go. DH discussed things with me telling me how desperate SS sounded and we agreed that he could come home under certain conditions. The conditions were that he get his GED, had no alcohol or drugs in our home, stayed away from old friends, applied for the military and did not disrupt the girls' happy home. (SD 17 at the time and BD 10 at the time) This was 13 months ago.
I brought home materials for SS to study to work towards his GED and he seemed very sincere in his efforts using our home as a safe harbor to put his life back in order. From 8th grade on, he skipped school got arrested and was an out of control teen constantly leaving and not coming home for weeks/months at a time. This seriousness touched me and I spent many hours tutoring him. He got his GED and then he started asking his dad for gas money to visit friends. His dad "rewarded" his efforts by letting him go. He started hanging out with old girlfriends gone for weekends...days and interest in the military waned. We talked to the military and they decided they didn't want SS. He had too many tattoos, run ins with the law and only a GED to boot. Rules were a bit more lax only a month before if he had been on track while the previous president was in office. He got mad and moved out. He also got in trouble with the law again.
He bounced around living at a few different "girlfriends' houses, trouble with the law, came back home, moved out again and then we got a call he was in the hospital. He was flirting and grabbing at some girl at a party and her guy friend beat the crap out of him. His grandmother picked him up from the hospital and DH told her bring him back to our house. (not asking ME) His broken hand, sprained ankle and everything has healed and he sits around and watches TV, plays video games and smokes. DH says he has no where to go...I say how about the job corps? So they enroll.
We wait to see if he gets in. Meanwhile SS goes out with his cousin and gets a gun shoved down his throat. I find this out because the police come to visit my house and ask SS questions about a friend of his that was raped and SS slips and mentions that other incident (a different night out) in front of DH and I. We had read something on his facebook and he says "Where are you baby, don't let him hurt you...I'll come." This was before the police showed up. He says to them that the girl's ex BF was violent and he was just being a friend. They ask if he's slept with her...he pauses and says yeah, protection, no. (Mind you he already has one baby with no father!) When did you see her last? wed or thurs. I'm thinking, no I remember her car friday and say so. They took a dna swab and left.
A few days later, police call and say she lied about the whole thing. She and SS after sex and sat and pinched her and bruised her to make it look like she was raped by the ex. Guess what, no one else's sperm is there...duh. DH confronts SS who apologizes for getting in trouble again. How bout for doing something morally wrong??? SD tells her brother that she wishes him to leave and I tell DH the same. He says wait until Job corps. Well job corps called and he still has something outstanding from before with a fine of $450. DH tells SS to get a job and SS makes feable efforts here and there, but has no car unless he uses the one DH gave to SD. He proceeds to play video games and visit with current girlfriend. His fine for the rape obstruction of justice false charge stuff is supposed to go to court Monday...I wonder what the fine will be for that.
I remind DH of our original rules, how they all are broken and he just says he's my son. You act like Hitler you're too strict and the like. I say, there's not even a plan in place for him to move out. DH wrote one up yesterday, printed it out along with a living with adult children printout thing that talks about video games being a luxury, paying rent and so on. I was so happy. It seemed we were finally on the same page. I bring this up because DH says jokingly that my BD was acting all crazed when SS was using the main TV playing video games and kept bugging him and I said, See? You should hide that thing...he blew up and got all pissed off at me. He said "I go and write all this stuff to give to SS and you're STILL not happy." Huh??
I know this is kind of choppy, but there's a lot of crap here. DH is just very defensive. He knows SS should move out but kind of likes him around when things are going well. He says I'm very harsh and I feel like I've given all I have. The girl's don't need this and my marriage doesn't. I know jobs are hard to come by yadda yadda, but maybe he should've thought about that. I'm not a free handout sort of person. Work for it. DH turns it around and says, I know you have this hang up about welfare people but he's family and you wouldn't throw your mom out on the street if she got laid off would you? Well... my mom wouldn't act like that, so no.
I'm just so tired. Yes I'm Stepmom, but it's my house too. I just want him gone and fast. I really feel like our marriage can't handle much more. DH just doesn't seem to get it. Why would SS want to leave when he has everything here?
Needed to vent.
Thanks
What a nightmare for you-I
What a nightmare for you-I would want him out as well. Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place with this situation. Maybe DH needs to hear some hard truths from an outside source about allowing his adult son to act this way?
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you. You have a grown man, lazy, good-for-nothing leech in your house. I wouldn't sign up to take him. I think you are wise to think of the girls..and if hubby doesn't understand that, they can go live together....in a van, down by the river..
I feel for you. Sincerely.
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
Unfortunately nothing is
Unfortunately nothing is going to change this kid but a good dose of TOUGH LOVE. Why should he try to better himself? He has daddy as his enabler. I know its hard when it is your own child. I've been through situations like this with a drug addict sister, but she never tried to help herself until she hit rock bottom and every let her get there. She now is almost finished with nursing school and is a productive member of society.
Its time for the enabler
Its time for the enabler daddy to wake up. I know this may sound harsh but i would sit your dh down and tell him straight. He moves out within a week somewhere or both of them go for the sake of the other 2 children. I would tell him: i love you very much, i understand your love for your son but he is an adult , we have helped him over one year now and all conditions were not met. I have been patient but considering the cops showing up and the last fiasco was the last. i want him out by the end of the week. If you dont concour, i will phone the police to remove himandyou can go with him.
Ultimatum..yah, but why let Stepdaughter and biodaughter suffer because dad is too stupid to realize he can help his son out of the house. He can make arrangements to keep this trouble away from both his daughters!
STand up for yourself, your home and both your girls! Tell your hubby his adult leechign son is out by the end of the week, to arrange some living conditions. Period.
Why stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't hold it up to standards. He didn't marry his son. He married you and has obligations to two girls int he house who dont deserve this and you as a wife and person do not deserve this.
Nothign wrong in wanting a 22 years bum out of the house. If dad wants to help, he can do so but not in this house. Stand your ground.
Go on-line and Google "tough
Go on-line and Google "tough love" and print out material explaining the concept. Its time for this boy - for good or bad - to be on his own.
The President had nothing to do with his rejection. All branches of the military are doing well in recruiting because of the economy. I believe it was 95% that have diplomas and they definitely don't like tatooing. In fact if you add a tatoo after joining up you had better hide it pretty good as you will be in serious trouble.
He got rejected on his own merits.
Also this is your home. Either one of you can veto anybody living there. This man is effecting your marriage and more importantly your kids. You have more than a right to protect both. In fact you have a obligation - a duty - to do so.
After you give Dad the tough love material tell Dad and the Boy he has two months to get it together then you change the locks. If Dad doesn't like it you move out yourself.
*********************
It may be that 50 years from now the only important thing you did in this life is to be important in the life of a kid.
Well DH gave SS this page he
Well DH gave SS this page he typed up about looking for a job everyday and steps to take to move out at the bottom it says any more law altercations and he's kicked out. I've been trying to nudge SS to go out and look for a job, giving him phone numbers and addresses. I don't think he does anything with them, but he said yesterday that he went to one of the temp agencies addresses and they want him back today between 8-10 to fill out an application. Could be a lie, who knows.
DH lets SS go out with his friends last night. SS comes home, unable to stand or talk and says that he got in a fight with an old girlfriend's ex. No cops called. No way he's going to recover by 8 to fill out an application.
I've had it. I tell DH I just can't take it anymore. Luckily BD is sleeping and SD isn't home to witness. He agrees with me and then changes his tune. It's like he knows our family can't handle this but he immediately follows up with, "well I'm not kicking him out. You made mistakes growing up too. We all have. Get off your moral high horse." I slept on the couch.
SD comes home. SS is retching on the floor in the basement.
Carpooling on the way in to work today...
I ask how DH is going to handle it and tell him I want SS to move out. After lots of defending and back and forth he says, I'll restrict him more or I'll tell him he has to start looking for other options to live, but I'm not kicking him out. If you don't like it you know what you can do.
DH doesn't follow through with anything. He means well and I know he loves me and the kids but he has no backbone with his son and thinks I'm just mean. I know I'm just spinning my wheels. SS could move out for all I know when the next tartlet girl says you can move in and I will have left and broken up my family. I just don't know what to do. If I take my BD and move out, her dad is going to want her to move back with him. More stable and I would probably agree. How is it this kid royally screws up over and over and I'll wind up alone in an apartment?? (better than alone in a big house with a mortgage I can't afford on my own, but still...)
We're taking a half day and heading home at lunch. Please, please give me some advice. Both girls are at home from school today too. I'm afraid of a biog blow up or worse yet...nothing.
It's way past time for some
It's way past time for some serious tough love.
And if your DH is not willing to stand up and do what is right for his son and your family, then it's time for YOU to take charge and institute some "Tough Love" of your own:
*Give DH the "Bottom Line"- either he does what he needs to do with his son, or HE and his son are BOTH OUT. You and your child should not have to vacate the home over this. And DH should STILL have to continue to pay for you and HIS MINOR CHILD to remain in the family home, so do not worry about that aspect.
Your SS is an adult and it is no longer healthy for him to remain in the home. He is a bad influence to have around the younger children in the house. Making false rape allegations? Getting constantly beaten up? This miscreant needs to leave your home NOW for the sake of the other children in the home.
And if your husbnad isn't willing to see that it's for his own good, then HE needs to go as well.
Good luck.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
SD is 18. She's ultra
SD is 18. She's ultra respectful, well rounded and going to college. She's a very moral girl and I have no problem providing her a healthy happy home while she betters herself. Of course I do not find the home to be healthy. There's no way DH will kick his son out or leave himself. He's fine with the situation, so if anyone is unhappy they (me) need to go.
How do I kick out SS without DH on the same page? DH resents me already. I just don't see this getting better. If I just go and confront SS I think my marriage would be over. We leave for home in about an hour...
DH says" I also told SD I
DH says" I also told SD I was gonna tell SS today that he needs to start looking for a place, asking around with his "friends", etc."
DH says "Told SD I wasn't actually "kicking" him out on the streets, but that he can't just live in our basement like this. She was totally cool with it."
We'll see what actually happens. Wish us luck.
I'm sorry you are dealing
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, truly I am. But I would stick with my original poiints, espeically because your DH is in such denial about this entire situation.
His son is clearly out-of-bounds, yet he resents YOU? Not a good dynamic. And all the more why YOU need to be the one to take control of the situation a just feel like you need to "slink away".
I would tell DH to leave if he isn't going to do what is right for his son. NOT your SD! Why should she have to leave the safety and stabilty of the home? She's not doing anything wrong? Perhaps if you and your SD can come together and let your DH know that this has to stop, maybe your DH will finally see the light.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Dear need_to_vent Just
Dear need_to_vent
Just wondering what happened. I agree with the other posters - you should NOT move out. YOU are not the problem, SS is the problem. So you should not have to move out, for that reason and a lot of others (like your 17 SD and your biodaughter).
If he will not make SS move out, why don't you suggest they both move out together? Then DH will have to put up with his crap all by himself - he will tire of it quickly and come running back to your sane, stable, drug free, functional house - and he will be alone (without SS).
Good luck.