Hi, new here. Need some advice
I've been married for 9 yrs. (together for 10 yrs.) and I'm my DH's 3rd wife. He has one child with his first and two with his second. We also have 2 children together. The first wife never really gave us any trouble. I could actually talk with her on the phone and get along. DH's second ex-wife is a whole other story and right now I'm at the end of my ropes! #2 has given us such hell over the past decade. When DH and I got married we decided to move. We thought they had worked out an agreement to where his two children could come visit during summer breaks and holidays. They have never come to visit. #2 will do this thing where she comes up with a plan to send the kids and then she backs out. In summer 2008 she really crossed a line. She sent an e-mail saying she and the children would be coming to stay with us for 2 weeks. She said she hoped I would be ok with that. She just invited herself to stay in my home. There was no asking or any other kind of communication. I had no problems with having the children stay here, but I couldn't let her stay in my home. The moment DH told her that it was a bad idea she took the visit away. She said she couldn't trust her kids with someone she doesn't know. We didn't hear much from them for a while. When we finally heard from her she apologized and seemed to understand that she would've been putting a lot of stress on all of the kids. Now she's basically going way beyond the line! She wants to bring the children to meet my daughters, which would be great, but there's a catch...I cannot be here. I have been told to go visit a friend or my father. That hurt big time! DH and I have argued over it, then the subject was dropped. It came back up again just a couple of weeks ago. This time it's even worse! DH says she is looking at plane tickets for the kids' December break. Meaning they not only want me to leave my whole life, but they want me to do it for Christmas. I refuse to do so and DH gets mad at me. He tells me to try and put myself in her shoes. Believe me, I have, but they need to also put theirselves in mine. My children are involved in this just as much as hers are and I have a right to say something. The thing is DH doesn't seem to think so. He says that if this is the only way she will let the kids meet he's going to do whatever she says. I've told him if he lets this happen I'm packing the kids and myself up and leaving. Now he won't even talk to me about this. I'm trying to stand my ground, but this is tough!
Don't even think of going
Don't even think of going anywhere. If he can't understand you have every right to be there then he is a total tool. Why are your kids less important? What nerve.
toriandred, If he wants to
toriandred, If he wants to see his kds he can fly into their city and see them there. I am so sorry that he is willing to throw you under the bus so that he can be under her dictatorship. Its sad that he is willing to let her come into your world and you are suppose to do what she says.
Do not leave your home and insist the mental midgets make their plans to meet somewhere else.
i totally agree...no one has
i totally agree...no one has any right to toss you out of your own house even for a few hours. might i suggest all the kids and only your DH meet somewhere...maybe at an amusement park or something where they can all have a good time without any interference from the ex?
I agree with Dorothy and
I agree with Dorothy and want to go another step. Is he paying CS? If you guys have a court order and he has been paying CS and keeping his end of the order, she is pretty much breaking the law by not allowing him to see the children as outlined in the court order. If you have to take the matters back to court where someone who is trained to deal with it will deal with it.
Best of luck
T
I've tried telling him it
I've tried telling him it could start off as simple as them all staying in a hotel if she is truly that uncomfortable leaving the children in both of our care. He is afraid to stand up to her. He has tried a couple times to stand up to her but it all backfires. She always ends up getting her lawyer involved and threatens to go after more CS (she already gets $1000 for the two kids a month). He does pay and from the very beginning it has come straight out of his check. He chose to do it this way so he'd never miss a payment. I have also told him what she is doing is so illegal. She is basically keeping those kids hostage in a way. He does have visitation rights and she has never let him really see them. He got to see them for a week in 2007. She flew him there on a last minute thing. She wasn't going to be there so he had to take care of the kids. The plane ticket was bought and the decision was made without my knowledge. I'm worried about something similar happening again this time. Thurs. night DH had said a couple things that seemed like hints. He was saying how the kids are going to be saying "it's too cold here" and "how can you live here, it's so cold" I asked "when would they say that?" He didn't say anything. I said to him "You know she's never going to bring them." It was mean of me to say, but it's probably the truth, unless he knows something I don't. If she just shows up without me knowing she is coming it's so going to be the end. There's no way in hell I could leave my kids for a second! Thanks ladies, I'm sure I'm going to need all the advice I can get on this one.
I know what she is doing is
I know what she is doing is illegal. I know it, my friends and family know it, he knows it,but I mean you'd think he'd finally open his eyes by now! He has this saying that he has said for many years "Whatever, Man." And he seems to truly live by this. He lets BM walk all over him and control him. He also lets her do the same to me and my children. For a while there I was just letting it all roll off my back. Then I would speak up and the shit would completely hit the fan. That's when she takes all communication away. It goes in cycles with this. It's getting old!
Even my FIL agrees with me on this one. The house we live in is still in FIL's name and honestly, if ya think about it, he has the final say of who comes into this house. My FIL told me to definitely not go anywhere. He truly sees me as a daughter, not just an in-law. He said basically what I had already told DH. He said "there are plenty of hotels nearby that she can stay in" FIL knows this woman will cause nothing but trouble if I allow this to happen. Which I won't allow it.
BM wants me gone because she's afraid I will start a fight. It's lucky for her that I was raised to never throw the first punch. I wouldn't start a fight like that in front of the kids anyway. If there was going to be a fight she'd be the one to start it. She is much older than I am, but obviously way more immature. Especially to think I am going to do something like that in front of my kids. How would that show them that fighting is wrong? This woman is just a whack job. I honestly feel ashamed by how I have let her get to me.
I think your husband needs
I think your husband needs to talk to a lawyer! There is no way that BM should be behaving like that. She is keeping the kids from their father.
If he has visitation in a CO with his kids, BM does not dictate what he does with that time. He has visitation with his kids...not her!
My goodness what a cheek she has.
I would spend some $$ on a lawyer and ensure he gets visitation at his home (with you in it) and BM no where near.
Those kids need their dad!
I am definitely looking for
I am definitely looking for what is best for my children in this situation. I don't think it's right for her to put us including all kids thru this. She only thiks of herself. We have thought about getting a lawyer. The cheapest lawyer we found wants $150 per hour. Right now with the CS and needing to pay bills and try to keep us all fed and clothed we just can't afford it. BM knows this and takes advantage of the whole situation. I see this all going one of two ways. The kids will forever hate me or they will end up hating their mother in the end of it all.
My SD is about to turn 16. She has expressed her wants to come live with us. We have the text messages, e-mails, IM's all saved. I know he'd get custody of her, but he's unsure about his son. My SS is very much a momma's boy. He's 12 and I know the courts would let him make the choice, we just don't think he could choose his mom or his dad. I'm not out to take her kids and get revenge, but if the skids want to live with their father it is now their choice to do so. I come from a divorced family myself and know very well how the system works. I know how crazy the exes can get. I watched my mother do the same things to my father. OT I know, but speaking from experience, I know how it can be. I didn't know my father the first ten years of my life. I know it's hard. DH has done his best to stay in their lives and every time he even looks like he's going to back away from his kids I tell him to not do that. I know how those kids are feeling right now. It's hard to be stuck in the middle of it all.
STand your ground and tell
STand your ground and tell your dh that the only reason why she is telling you to leave your home is because you didn't want her to sleep over. I can understand.
If he wants to see his kids so badly then he can fly out and see them. Nothing is stopping him from doing that.
And if your kids are all to meet, then you are their mother just as she is the mother of her children for the meeting. ALL of you should be at the meeting.
If sd16 comes to live with you guys, then she can kiss her 1000$ bucks a month goodbye. You will have one and she will have her son....so no money exchange unless the family income is drastically different but then again the courts will take into account that he will be taking care of 3 kids in his household, one kid from another marriage as well....so mostly likely she will get no cs.
Either way, i think you better have another sit down with hubby and ask him directly what plans have been made for the holidays and tell him no lies or hiding anything. He must tell you and then you can decide what to do.
Would your fil be at this meeting just in case....i get a feeling it has been planned behind you.
Speak to your kids, maybe your dh has told them something? if he hasn't make sure your kids do not leave with him alone for anything.
Yeah FIL would be here for
Yeah FIL would be here for it. He has built an apartment in our basement so we all live in the same house. We live upstairs and he gets the downstairs. When this all happened the first time he told DH that BM wasn't going to be staying here. I don't know why DH thinks his father would change his mind on that one. Let alone why would he think I would leave on her request? He should know better! He is 45 years old, I thought he'd know better by now. I have tried to explain how his kids might be feeling right now. He knows my entire background and knows I understand a situation like this. He just doesn't seem to get that you don't let your ex-wife come stay with you, your "new" wife and kids. It's just wrong. I have never heard of something like this happening. Not even on a soap opera. Honestly! It's just so insane and I'm caught all up in it.
DH knows she's manipulative. He knows she is going to try anything. I feel like she is doing this just to see how far he will go to see his kids. I told DH that I love him and would do anything for him, but I just couldn't leave my children. We have left it at that as of now. He still refuses to even talk to me about her. He will talk about his kids, but definitely not her. I swear just hearing her name makes me cringe. I can actually feel my eyes dilate with anger when she does things like this. I even feel like I'm having a panic attack here lately. Just one huge panic attack. I have been trying to get an appt. with a doctor just to see if I'm ok. I have gotten so angry and upset that I get sick. I actually saw blood a couple times so I'm almost sure I have gotten an ulcer because of all the crap she has put us thru. I can't do this to my kids and I can't put my own health on the line just because she is evil.
There is no way in hell i
There is no way in hell i would be doing anything this woman has asked and your hubby should not even be considering it, i am amazed that he even would. Has she got some kind of personality disorder because that stuff is not in anyway normal.
Stick to your guns, its you and your kids noone else, if he wants it the other way pack up and leave!!!!!
Or do what "whatiknownow" said, i am evil too - maybe tell her it is all good come on over - hide and let the kids in and then call the cops to say she is tresspassing and then show them the court documents that it is hubby's visitation rights so the kids are suppose to be there with you, she just wont leave, then put a DVO or AVO whatever you call it in where you live on her.
All just to piss her off, she is going to leave wtih the kids and not let hubby see them anyway, she already does that but it may grounds for proper visitation rights and to have her assessed by pschycologists as she is clearly insane. I know it would be a long shot but geez it would really make her mad..teheheheh