Not sure what to do, I need some advice....
I have been with my DH for 10 years, married to him for 8 of them. For the past 9 years, we saw SD15 & SD12 every other weekend. Which during those 9 years, I knew my role at a SM. Then in November of last year, DH, BS11(my BS from 1st marriage), & I decided to relocate. Everything was going fine. SD15 & SD12 came with my parents to visit us in December for a week. The visit went well. Then I went in July of this year to pick up SD15 & SD12 to bring them back for 3 weeks to visit. Everything was going fine and then at the end of the 1st week, SD15 told us she wanted to stay with us. Because she was having problems with the kids at her school and BM. SO, DH & SD15 discussed it with BM and BM agreed to let SD15 stay for one school year and then at the end of that one school, decide if she would go back with BM or stay with us. Well after about a week of DH & BM working out the details, SD15 called BM the Sunday of the 3rd week and BM informed SD15 that the only way SD15 could stay was if DH went through the courts for custody. SD15 started freaking out and told BM that she couldn't go to court, because she would tell. Well after SD15 got off the phone, we asked what she ment by "she would tell". SD15 disclosed to us that she was being sexually abused by her SD for a very long time. So, we reported it. Got emergency custody of both SD's. Went to a custody hearing and the judge granted custody back to the BM. Well SD15 freaked out again and BM agreed to give custody of SD15 to DH if DH agreed to let SD12 stay with BM. So, DH agreed to it because DH knew that we would make sure SD15 would get the treatment she needs. We are still waiting on the custody papers, because BM is being a witch about everything and putting all her demands in the order before she will sign it. BM is also being a witch about the CS order, which is a whole other story in it's self. Well SD15 has been with us for a little over a month. She has been going to counseling. And things seemed to be going great. Well now all of the sudden SD15 is, I guess you could say having second thoughts about living with us. SD15 has started disobeying the rules we have had for the past 10 years. She has started telling her BM that she kind of wants to come home. SD15 no longer comes to me about anything and she always use to. Now it is as if I have no say in what happens in my own home. We had an incident happen over the weekend with SD15, two of our neighbor boys, and her one friend. And DH & I was trying to talk to SD15 about it and she refused to say anything. I made the comment that SD15 won't talk about it because I am standing here. DH said, well then leave until we are done. I told him no, because I have a right to know what is going on. I need some advice on what to do. Before it ruins our marriage. I no longer know my role as a SM. I love my DH & both SD's to death and I don't want have this ruin our marriage. Please help! Any advice would be great.
I understand
Some background information first - I have known my Husband since 1995, we started living together in 1997 and got married in 2001. In 1997 he received custody of 4 children 2 biological and 2 nonbiological. (BM going to jail). The two youngest are his children. They were 1 and 3 in 1997. They are now 14 and 16. Therefore, I have been in their lives from a long, long time. Now here goes, I understand your feelings that you have rights but you don't. You are no one. If your DH tells you he wants to speak to his daughter alone you need to let him do that. Even if these SD's were your children, you husband should have the right to speak to his daughter's alone. You have to respect his decision and know he will tell you later what is up.
I know I have come across very strongly, but I am saying this to you for your own good, if you want your marriage to work, you need to back off a little.
Phyllis
I think it is so sad that you feel you are 'no one'. After reading your other posts I think that after what you have been/are going through, you deserve at least a little respect in your own home.
Sorry, but I am someone. The day that someone makes me feel
like a no one, is the day he or I is out the door. Second of all, I have no problem with DH talking to his daughter alone, never have. But when the situation involves the entire family, the entire family needs to discuss how to correct the problem. Because that is how our family has always been. Why change it now?
Ok let me make sure I understand this
The BM was aware her husband was abusing her daughter, and still feels she has the right to make any demands? I imagine any judge would set her straight on this pronto. Do you think SD is really telling the truth, or is there any chance she made this up, and that is what is wrong?
I agree that if the SD wants to talk to her dad alone, you should let them. It is rude but apparently she is embarrassed somehow in front of you. He will tell you everything that is said anyway. You are apparently the fall guy for SD's unhappiness. I would leave her alone and do ZERO for her until she treats you better.
Sorry dear. Hang in there and let us know what happens. HUGS :)!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2According to SD15's testimony, BM caught SD on a few occassions
and did nothing. But BM is making up excuses & denying most of it now since SD15 told. And the judge didn't grant DH custody, BM voluntarily gave DH custody because SD15 freaked out. So BM is making her demands in the custody papers for DH to sign. At the time of the hearing, there was no documents proving the abuse and the judge considered it hear-say. Yes I believe SD15 is telling the truth about the abuse, because anytime she has to give any law enforcement details, she is consistent with the story.
I do let them talk alone. The reason I think she didn't want me there was because she wanted to call me a bitch for saying that what SD15 was doing with our neighbor boy was inappropriate. And DH does not always tell me everything that is said. But when it reversed, I am supposed to tell DH everything. Oh and believe me, I have stopped doing everything I was doing for SD15. SD15 needs to learn one way or another that you only get respect when you give it. And why should I keep giving it, if I never get it back?
Ok, first of all SD15 did not want to talk to DH about her abuse
SD15 wanted to discuss what SD15 was caught doing(by me)with the neighbor boy. Second of all, SD15 does not talk to DH about her abuse. She only talks to me, her therapist, or any law enforcement who questions her about it. For some reason she can't talk to DH about it. Third, I do know what she is feeling. I have been there, that is why she does talk to me about it. My whole reason for posting what I did, was not to be told over and over to let SD15 & DH talk. It was to get advice on what to do about getting respected in my OWN HOME. Anytime that any of the children in our home have done something wrong and we were discussing it with them, we have always done it together. And this time it was as if I had no say in what happens in my OWN HOME.
I agree with talking to Dad alone
I respect the fact that BF is Skids Father. I am not the mother. Here is how I know. I am a Step Kid. I felt I had the right to talk to my father with out my SM's ears. If HE decided to talk to her, that was his issue. Usually he did not.
That may also sound harsh, I know my SM loves me :sick: even if I don't like her. Where I understand where it comes from, you will earn more respect if you let this one go.
Just my 2 Cents
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
I don't disagree with the fact that SD15 has the right to talk
with DH alone. I have never once told her or DH that they couldn't. Apparently I didn't make my original post clear enough. I may have worded somethings wrong. My problem is with being disrespected in my OWN HOME. By being told I am to leave the room when we are in the middle of discussing what I caught SD15 & our neighbor boy doing. We have always dealt with things like this together. Because DH is known for guilt parenting. He lets SD15 walk all over him. But anyways....I think we have gotten the problem fixed. Or atleast I hope so.
I think it is a little
I think it is a little different when you are the custodial stepparent and the child is living in your home full time. I think that you have to blend the family and all family members abide by the same set of house rules. If the child disobeyed a house rule then both dad and sm have to deal with it as a united front. Dad has to support sm's role in the new family dynamic otherwise he is fostering disrespect for her.
Now, if the kid wants to talk about her abuse or her mom or anything that has to do with the other household, I agree that she should be able to discuss that alone with her father. But this wasn't one of those instances. I don't blame you shell for being upset.
This is something that you and DH have to get on the same page about otherwise this kid could manipulate you guys and cause havoc on your relationship. Been there, done that. Part of the break up with my x-husband was directly linked to his daughter who lived with us. It is very sressful when your partner doesn't support you. Let him know how you feel. Let him know that you don't have any problem with them discussing things without you as long as it isn't something that doesn't directly affect you or other members of your home. This is something that you guys have to compromise on.
Thank you for the advice.
I totally agree with everything you said. And just to update a little on this. DH & I have discussed this problem without the kids involved and then with them involved. I think we may have worked it out and hopefully DH sticks to it. I also think that part of the problem was also BM telling DH & SD15 that I have no say in the decisions about SD15. So I think SD15 took that to mean that I also have no say in her abiding by our house rules. But I think we got that straightened out too. Because I not only discussed it with my DH. I also discussed it with BM and she agreed that I do have a say in what happens in my home. So, for now things have been getting better. Hopefully they stay that way.
I always try to support my DH in having a relationship with his daughters(only 1 is living with us SD15, the other is with BM SD12) and I still do. DH has missed out on a lot with his girls. But not by his choice, but by BM's choice. So, DH & SD15 are trying to work on their relationship. And he knows that I don't have a problem with him talking to any of the kids without me, as long as it about things that doesn't affect the entire family.
Wow
You are so right. I always felt like an outsider because I was made to feel that way in my own home. I like how you put it - it is a rule of your house then you discuss it together. I am going to talk to my DH about doing this.