who goes to the hospital
My SS7 has surgery in a couple of weeks. It is 3 1/2 hours away and he will be in the hospital overnight. It is DHs week to have SS. I don't know if I should go or even want to go. I have been in this child's life for 2.5 years now and I take care of him and pick him up from school everyday. He is part of my life too, so I don't know if it is okay for me to go and be in the waiting room. And I would want to be there for my hubby if (heaven forbid) something went wrong. I would hate for him and BM to be supportive for each other.
She probably wouldn't care if I was there or not, but I'm not sure what is considered appropriate. His last surgery I didn't go, but I had just met him and didn't think I needed to be there. Now I'm not sure.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
Absolutely go!
As the stepmother, if you want to be there, you should be there. That's what PARENTS do.
This is a little different but maybe similar...When my SS9 (before we were even married - actually, this was two days before our wedding!) went missing for 4 hours, I showed up (we were not living together) to help DH look for him and when I felt it was time to call the police, I did. Was I just supposed to not come over and say "good luck with that!" No, this was my DH's child's life at risk. I could NOT not be there.
btw - the child lived with DH and was left alone because big brother didn't come home to watch him like he was supposed to and he got bored so he just left, went to the park and played with a friend without telling anyone and "lost track of time". - he was fine... I wanted to wring his neck! Thoughts of attending a funeral instead of my wedding flashed through my head.
Anyways, if you care for the child and/or want to support your husband, you should be there. If my DH says he didn't want me there? Now that's a different story and I would be very concerned.
IMO
GO!!! Of course you should
GO!!! Of course you should be there! Especially if your husband will be there!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Andrea - don't know if this will help
But your place is taking care of him and picking him up from school every day.
And now, your place will be to be by his side in the hospital.
Don't even question it. He's a part of your life.
Just go!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
If your DH/BF asks you to go you should.
BF asked me to go with him to 2 seperate hospital visits in 5 days for 2 diff skids. I stayed in the waiting area each time. 1 was a specialist visit and 1 was outpatient surgery. BM didn't look happy to see me on the first visit but I stayed out of "her" territory and kept my mouth shut.
Isn't it sad?
That you would even have to QUESTION whether or not you should be ther for your SS?!
YOU are an intergral part of his life. YOU are with him almost every day, doing the things that a "mom" should do, for a long time now. Of course YOU have earned the right to be there for him!
But, as Stepmoms, we always feels like we are LESS than worthy, don't we?
Go and be there- for your SS. For your DH.
And as far as what the BM wants or cares about- I would not even give that a moment's thought.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Go
Go. My SD had eye surgery back in 2006. We had just gotten custody in March. Surgery was in August. Her BM didn't even show. She didn't have the gas $ she said. It's a good thing I loved her enough to show up and be there for her when she was scared!!!!!!!
I had a similar question awhile back...
My SD was graduating from SK, and it was the first time BM and I would be in the same room together for an event. I didn't want to make it uncomfortable for BM, but SD had asked me to go. BM did not want me there.
Everyone here gave me great advice, but one thing stuck in my head:
A child will not know the reasons why your aren't there. They will only know that you are absent.
This is a big deal in your SS's life. If you don't go, then he will remember that. Go! Show your support/comfort/caring. Forget about what the adults may feel, remember how your SS might feel if you DON'T go!
You have every right to be there.
thanks
I've had issues before with this kind of stuff. SS asked me to go to his mother's day event at school last year and didn't invite his mother, but she found out about it and showed up anyway and was very disrepectful to me. I politely told her that I was there because my child asked me to be there and I refuse to let him down.
No one has asked me whether or not I'm coming to his surgery, my DH assumed that I would just go to school because he's not my child, but I expected him to come when my DD had surgery last year and he did. Her Bio-Father is not in the picture at all.
Thank you so much for your input, I'm going to go, I feel like I should be there for him.
you should absolutely go if
you should absolutely go if you want to! Screw BM and what she may think. Ignore her and talk only to your DH. Let her see you two getting along and in love
It will kill her!! muhahahaha
new problelm
I told hubby that I wanted to go and he said that it was "Unnecessary" I shouldn't take off of school because I couldn't see him there anyway it would just be DH and BM with the child.
BM assumed that I was going, she told me not to give SS tylenol or anything and to make sure he had a shower and brushed his teeth before we put the kids in the car that morning. She assumed that my daughter and I were going to be there. DH pretty much told me not go and has made all of his plans for the day assuming that I am staying home.
I feel like second best, I feel like he thinks I'm not good enough to be there for his child.
I am so upset about the whole situation I don't know what I should do.
Wow, Andrea, this IS a new one!
It is the first time on here I think I EVER saw that it was the BM assumed you were going to be somewhere and was totally ok with it...
but the DH who basically told you to "stay away" because you didn't matter.
I'm sorry he said this to you. And you're right, because I'd be more than upset- I'd be pissed as hell.
And here's what I'd do, if I can offer you any suggestions:
Basically your DH is saying you're not good enough to be there for HIS son...but only on HIS terms-
like when he needs you to be the babysitter, the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, etc.
So don't do it- ANY OF IT- any more.
If you're not GOOD ENOUGH to be there for his son, your step son, when your own stepson WANTS you there for him, then screw DH! Let him HIRE someone to do everything you have been doing for him.
Let him hire a maid, a nanny, a taxi service, a cook, etc. to take of his son.
Because you're not good enough to do it anyway. Just take care of YOUR DAUGHTER.
I'd be BEYOND hurt and offended at this point. I'm so sorry he did this to you- but it really shows his TRUE COLORS now, doesn't it?
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
tears
BM and I don't get along or anything like that, she hates me, but even she had enough decency to think that I should be there when the child has surgery. I am so upset and angry with DH right now, I don't even want him to come home.
I feel aweful taking it out on the kid though, it's not his fault that DH is being an ass about this. SS assumes that I'm the one taking him there because I take him everyone else.
I just want to sit here with my daughter and cry
Andrea, i DO feel your pain
Trust me, hon, I do. And I don't mean to come off as a "hard-ass" here, but if you don't take a serious stand here with your DH and let him KNOW how much you are hurt by this-
Then he will ALWAYS treat you as he did today.
You will never be seen as an equal in this relationship. No matter what you do for your SS, in your DHs eyes, you will never have "standing".
And after doing all you have done for this little boy, do you really want to be in a marriage with a man who sees you as "less than worthy" when it comes to his son?
Sometimes it takes drastic measures until some people finally "get it".
Again, I really am sorry he made you feel this way.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
I say you should go. You are
I say you should go. You are his stepmother and have every right to be there not just for the fact that your his stepmother but also to support your husband.
Shortly after I had moved in with my DH (we weren't even engaged/married at this point in time) my SD had an asthma attack that was very bad. We took her to the hospital and they admitted her so they could watch her. BM never came. I was the one who stayed in the hospital room with her for her first night. DH and SS went home. But they came back the very next morning. Still no BM. BM called about 1 or 2 weeks later. When we told her she was mad that we didn't call but at that time she had no vehicle to get there anyways so it's not like she could have been there plus she always likes to say she is so involved in their lives yet this was just another example of how she isn't as involved as she claims.
My point is, go and be there for SS and DH.
If you
are important enough in his life to drive him to and from school everyday-------then you are important enough to be with him in the hospital.
I would have THAT little talk with your dh immediately. If you can't be there (in the hospital) you won't be there(driving him around). He can select which. Just don't be their fool. What he is doing is not respectful to you.