Frustrated!! need to vent....
Hi everyone, I was searching online and found out about this site, wich I think is great, i felt better just reading your posts
This is my situation, today is my second aniversary, my H has 3 kids from his previous marriage, ages 5, 9 and 12, we have them on their summer vacation (2 months and a half) and on Xmas (3 weeks) I think they like me and i like them, I try to be involved but they don't talk much to me, and that's ok with me, I am not trying to force anything it will get better has they get more familiar with me, I guess.... My H, on the other hand insists that I HAVE TO love his kids and be the perfect stepmom, but he won't let me have any sayso on them or their actions, he doesn't put them any limits, and that is really bothering me, we live in a studio (really really small) so HE decided that they will be sleeping in our room without even asking me, so I told him and I was the evil witch, then he got laid off work and stayed home with the kids using that has an excuse to not go jobsearching, I said something about it, and I ended up being the evil witch again, then he complained about we not having sex (how with the kids sleeping next to us?!) I told him why, and I was the evl witch again!! and whenever we have an argument he tells me that he won't waste any time talking to me, that his kids are more important than me and he just ignores me, I am so mad at him right now, and sad cause today he didn't even talk to me, his kids ignore me too, I feel like an outsider in my own place, I don't know what to do, because no matter what I do or say I will end up being the villaian of the story and this situation is really unconfortable.
I would ask for a sitter for
I would ask for a sitter for dinner out on your anniversary, at least. Is there somewhere else in the apartment that you could suggest for them to sleep? Your current situation could be quite damaging to your relationship.
Thanks for your advice, but
Thanks for your advice, but I already did suggest another place, the situation is that we only have TV in our room, that's why the kids sleep with us, but then I got into another argument because they stayed watching until 1 o 2 am everyday, talking and laughing, I got to put my foot down and say enough! after a week of not getting enough sleep (I have to wake up at 5:30 to go to work), so I said TV is off at 10:30 every night, and they where ok, now I don't understand why they can't sleep on the other room after 10:30, my husband gets really upset when I tell him, he thinks I am against his kids but not the case....I just want to, at least at night, have time with my husband only the two of us.....is that wrong? am I being selfish? cause thats what he thinks.... and finding a sitter for 2nite don't think so because he doesn't talk to me at all, if I tell him something he just nods his head, not even look at me at all....
What would his reaction be
What would his reaction be if you arranged the sitter, made reservations, and called him at work and said, everything is taken care of, we have reservations at such-and-such restaurant for 7? Some guys hate interference, some are just to lazy to take initiative, so don't know how he'd respond to that.
I agree, you HAVE to have alone time. Does he agree with that? Tell him you need to be good as a couple so you can be good as parents. An hour or two every week/2 weeks as a bare minimum!
The tent idea is great, anything to get them sleeping in another room!
That sounds like a good
That sounds like a good idea.....
not sure how he would react because, he won't leave his kids, he wants to spend as much time with them as he can while they are here, and I understand, but the way he told me last time, he made it sound like I was interfiering with the time he spends with his kids....I hope he didn't mean it....
I will try this...Thanks..
Try something fun
For the sleeping arrangements try something fun, like a pop up tent in the main living area, so they can pretend like they are "camping" for the summer.
Maybe you could ask one of your friends to come over for a few hours to watch them so that you two can go catch a movie or even a quick bite?
Last year for my birthday, I ended up spending it with only girlfriends, he had the boys and REFUSED a babysitter, even for my birthday, he doesn't believe in them! This year, my birthday is Friday, its our week again and they are going to grandma and grandpas!!
It sounds like the two of you really need a "date night" to reconnect with eachother. Maybe every other week. Even if it means taking an hour out and going for a walk in the park or the neighborhood.
he told you that his kids
he told you that his kids are more important then you? his priorities are out of line. if this doesn't change you will always have problems.
Totally agree...
this is a deal-breaker IMO.
Yeah I know....we had this
Yeah I know....we had this problem before, then we went to counseling, and he admitted that he was wrong, that our marriage was as important as his kids, but then we have this situation when I need time alone with him, and his situation being unemployed staying home no looking for a job cause he didn't want to leave the kids, I try to talk to him about it and he gets all defensive and tells me that he won't waste anytime talking to me, time that he could be spending with his kids, that is more important for him...
yesterday nothing happened, try to find a sitter but i couldn't (didn't really try that hard) went home and nothing....my HD was playing video games with his kids, so I just read a book...I know he has to set his priorities, or at least be honest with me
Did you have this situation before?
I was in a similar
I was in a similar situation. My ex-husband was completely obsessed with his teenaged son and had a lot of unhealthy behaviors that destroyed our relationship. (being so distraught his son wasn’t on our honeymoon that he wasn’t interested in sex, didn’t feel we should be alone together EVER even allowing his son in our bed with us while I was sleeping) Anytime I tried to get him to see his behavior was unhealthy I was a horrible person that was trying to come between him and his son. It took two years of unhappiness before I couldn’t my wants and needs coming last or not being addressed at all before I left him and his son for good. Men who have unhealthy tendencies don’t tend to change and resent anyone who tries to tell them anything they don’t want to hear. They are comfortable guilt parenting, and if you aren’t on board they have no use for you. Not that my current situation is perfect, but I don’t see a situation where a man is obsessed with his children (unable to leave them to go to work, needing them to sleep in the same room as him) getting any better for you. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. Sometimes the relationship is worth it, sometimes it isn’t.