Am I being Selfish???
I need some advice? I'm a 32 year old stepmother to a 19 year old, who I have just agreed with husband to let him come and live with us, he has only been here a week and already I am wishing I had said no, he hasnt done anything wrong yet, its what hes done in the past that bothers me - and I cant get it out of my head.
I have been with my husband for 6 years, his son has always lived at his mothers until she chucked him out last year, the son has always been a bad boy and that is all that I have ever known about him, hes been convicted of drug dealing and received a suspended sentence, hes been driving without insurance, hes in debt of around £15000, he has no job and no inclination of getting one and he left school with no qualifications. He was living at the YMCA until last week when we invited him to come and live with us! I feel selfish for wanting him out already, I am six months pregnant with my first child and basically dont want the added hassle, my husband works away a lot, so it is me whos left at home with him - his room is already a pigsty, he stinks, I dont think hes brushed his teeth in months, he is not taking responsibility for his own life, hes done nothing to sort his debts out, he has a car on HP which at the moment has been impounded by the police somewhere (he doesnt know), and I just dont like him as a person, its getting me really down, my husband knows how I feel, but doesnt want to chuck his son out 'on the streets' am I being selfish???
Nope
In my opinion no.
He is an adult. he is doing all the wrong things in life. His dad is needing to deal with him.
If the SS was doing things to fix his life I am sure you would gladly help.
He needs to learn this long road he is on, completly on his own. No need to drag you and your DH through this.
OUT OUT OUT!!!!
GET OUT!!!
A little help is what anyone needs.
My own gage that I kinda view this type of thing with is like how a wieght lifter will do all the work lifting the wieghts till the last few curls and the person they are working out with mearly touches the bar to help them finish thier curls. (THAT IS HELP)
You don't need to get him up and drive him to the gym and put wieghts in his hands and be there the whole time makeing him try to get results. That is annoying.
I can remember reaching a point in my young adult life, (When I was doing it all wrong)
I had no place to go but to my mom's. but for some reason I could not do it.
I slept in my car for 2 weeks in a church parking lot durring the summer. Just so I would not need to ask anyone for help.
I needed to save money and get back on track. When I think back? if I did ask my mom if I could stay?
I bet i would have taken advantage of that situation.
And it would have taken longer than 2 weeks to get on track.
Funny how when you really are faced with the real world how fast you can fix your life.
Now granted I have a brother that went his whole life demanding hand outs. That was his choice.
Hope this helps.
I know it is hard,
exactly right
you're exactly right jon-boy. I did the same thing... at 18, i moved out because i didnt like the rules. but it made me a hell of a lot stronger today. i'm 34 and GLAD I didnt stay for any handouts. Spent time in my car too :P. The trouble with this next generation of kids is that they think they deserve everything the same time they're disrepecting you. They feel equal in the rule arena. My marriage is on the rocks right now because of my SS19 and his enabling mother. The kids not dealing drugs or anything like that, he works but he got this know it all attitude and nobody can tell hem what to do. He's required to pay nothing and takes from everyone and nobody is to expect anything from him. Constantly defended by his Bio mother. So back to your analogy of the curls. I'm doing the curls for a kid that has no respect for me. It's not teaching him a thing. I'm not happy. His mother's not happy because i'm about to leave.
So to answer the question, you're not selfish. Your partner and you need to set some GD rules. This is where I'm personally stuck right now. My wife doesn't coordinate with or stand up for me when i try to establish some rules for her son. It's destroying us, and she's clueless. I'm in counseling with her now and hope she'll see the light, but if not... im out. So, no you're not selfish at all, but dont let it get as bad as my situation. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Some things need to be established. X amount of months in the house before you have to leave, you have to keep your crap picked up, no drugs, etc. etc. etc. This will ONLY WORK if the BOTH of you establish the rules for the freeloader. dont let him ruin yoru life in your own home. If you feel he is, he needs to GO.
Better Labels
There are much more suitable words or phrases than 'Selfish'. Try these:
*Self-Preservation
*Self-Defence
*Instinctual protective nature (protecting both you and your baby from harm and stress)
Stand Up For You and Your Children
STOP STOP feeling guilty about this. First of all, you have to protect your 6 year old child. The worst scenario is something bad happens to him; the least worst but still bad is that your 6 year old sees how the 19 year old acts and like it or not, he will think that freeloading and being a slob is acceptable in your family. You do not want to flash forward 12 years and then have to undo all this learning with your current 19 year old. Plus, since you are pregnant, you have an easy out. Just play the pregnant card - the I can;'t take the stress and I am worried about the baby card, and tell or talk it over with your husband (depending on your relationship) that you have tried, but he has to ship out. In the long run (as you can see from the above posts), it will be better for the 19 year old anyway. He will never leave and will never shape up if you let the current situation persist. Your feeling now will fester like an open sore and make you bitter and sad. This is not good. So, pick yourself up, don't feel guilty and get strong for your children. You are doing the absolutely correct thing and should feel confident in your good decision-making here.
Uuumm NO
I am 27 years old and have been in your EXACT shoes, sounds like my life to a T. Except for the major criminal convictions....
You should not have to live like that. I am the same way, at home all day long while DH works and Im left to put on a happy face for adult SS when I dont really want to. Not to mention driving him places and watching him cook eggs to a crisp in a fry pan and leaving it there, etc....
I never knew if I was being selfish either, but I like feeling comfortable in my own home and you should have that freedom.
He is TOO old to be such a bother to you in your own home, he needs to get his stuff together and move out. I would talk to your husband and talk about some tough love... maybe give him a time frame that he is allowed to be there, and if he hasnt gotten a job or a place to live by then, then he is out anyway.
Being prego too is hard, you want to be at peace and you are probably walking around your house just grumpy and full of anxiety. THis is NOT fair to you. Your DH is not having to deal with what YOU have to deal with all day long.
You deserve to be selfish
Ignore anyone who makes you feel that way. first, you are 32. Now is the time for you to thrive and enjoy your life. second, he is an adult and sounds like a manipulative lazy little shit. Your husband will always struggle with guilt on how his son turned out, support your husband but be firm. It wouldnt hurt for someone else, who shares your thoughts on the matter, to talk to your husband, sometime its easier hearing it from a friend or another family member than the spouse. Sadly, step parents are always seen as the bad guys. For BD's I think its a subconcious defense mechanism. Maybe just compromise by setting ground rules and a very specific time frame. Kid has 6 months to get a job and find an apartment. Anything after 6 months, he starts paying rent. Make it difficult for the little shit
You wrote "WE" invited SS to
You wrote "WE" invited SS to stay with you. I think you're stuck with what you agreed to.
Tell me you didn't agree to this without making some rules and setting expectations! Once they're in your house without an agreement in place for expectations, what leverage do you have? NONE.
You can still try to put expectations in place, you just won't have any real leverage to shove him out if those expectations aren't met. Talk with your husband and tell him what you think SS should be doing to evolve. Tell him with a new baby on the way, you need to know SS is working toward self sufficiency (i.e. getting out of your space). Ask if your husband is willing to make the expectations conditions he must abide to stay in your house.
And most importantly, try to get your husband to agree to an exit date for SS -- that way, if SS doesn't do a thing to get on his feet, you can still call time.