Feeling suffocated
I need some advice if what I am feeling is incorrect and/or selfish.
I have been married to my new husband now for about 4 years. His two sons are currently 21 and 19 years old. They are over to our house on a daily basis. One comes, one leaves, they both come, and so forth and so on, etc. They don't "live" with us but they hang out at our house.
I feel suffocated. I never get a break from these 2 (what I consider "adult kids"). My husband LOVES the fact that they are around all the time. He in fact, he encourages it. If they are not over then he is CONSTANTLY checking in with them to see where they are at and/or what they are doing.
We make dinner and he calls them and says, boys, I just made a meatloaf, if you want any come and get it, for example.
One night my husband and I went out for dinner and the 21 year old called my husband's cell phone and said he couldn't find his debit card and needed $20. They kid showed up to the restaurant my husband and I were dining at to collect $20 from my husband. Auuuuugh!!!!!
Whenever I say ANYTHING at all about this topic my husband shuts me down and says that they are his kids, his responsiblity and that he LOVES them being around all the time.
Am I just not getting this that they are indeed his kids and that this is "normal" at this age??? Am I wrong in my feelings? Am I indeed being selfish???
Please be honest with me if this is what should be happening in our home.
I think it depends on your
I think it depends on your family life and cultural traditions. My parents are not divorced and I tend to go over a lot (we're east asian in ethnicity so there's a cultural difference). My younger sister, who is 22, still lives with them, the only reason I left was because I got married.
However, I am having a difficult first trimester so they requested I move back with them for a few days a week, so they can make sure I am eating right, etc. DH comes back with me on some days as well, and they treat him as if he is their child as well. I do work, and I have my own house (two actually) but... maybe it's what some parents feel, especially if it's how they were raised i.e. a parents home is always open to their children.
Most of their friends also have unmarried adult children living with them.
I know DH's family is not like that, so they would think it's weird. The only exception was when DH lived with his mom, but he paid her rent (which is unheard of in our circles).
I think the step situation introduces a new person who may not be as understanding or comfortable with such an arrangement. I will say I always call my parents before I come back, although occasionally I have slipped up, but they were always happy to have me home--my room (which they will turn into a baby room for when my kid is born and comes to visit) is still furnished with my furniture and that is where I and DH sleep when we're here during the week.
Coming to a compromise with your DH is the best solution, maybe have them come over on specific days or give ample warning time.
This would bother me too
This would bother me too mainly because your DH isn't listening to your feelings about the issue. While I get that he loves them, they are adults and not his responsibility (financially). Do they live with their mom? I'm surprised DH hasn't asked them to live with you, which would be even worse. I assume you live close, any plans to move???
I would ask your DH that you set some boundaries around this, what would you actually be comfortable with? Would be good to know that before discussing further with him.
You married a loser who has
You married a loser who has raised two fucking losers. .
It's so true you had to post
It's so true you had to post it twice
Just kidding...
But it seems to be pretty much the truth here.
Why post the same question in
Why post the same question in two different Forums?
Actually, both boys have gfs.
Actually, both boys have gfs. The problem is, the 21 year old gf goes to school full time and has a waitress job in the eves/night. The 19 year old's gf also goes to school full-time and then also works. When I was their age, I agree, the last place I wanted to be was home with my parents. I don't get it. My husband though has "encouraged" it to a fault. I really think he has a problem with letting go and I've told him that but he interprets that statement with my implying that he should not love his boys. I've tried to explain that letting go and giving them their wings does not imply that he does not love them.
LindaK, do they treat you
LindaK, do they treat you with respect? That would make all the difference in the world with an answer. I would say where we live, that it sounds like typical behavior for boys that age. ( I had a couple and I know their friends too who hung out here a lot).
If they don't that is a different story.
Keep trying to explain to your hubby you need some alone time.
Good luck!
"Whenever I say ANYTHING at
"Whenever I say ANYTHING at all about this topic my husband shuts me down and says that they are his kids, his responsiblity and that he LOVES them being around all the time."
EXACTLY! they are HIS kids, HIS responsibility, and HE loves them being around all the time.
now, what about you? do you have the right to feel differently about them or did he marry you and think that you would feel about them the EXACT SAME WAY HE DOES??
if he did, he's an idiot.
you are entitled to NOT have someone else's kid around, NOT be responsibile for ADULT kids that belong to someone else, and NOT love being around them all the time.
what does he entend to do about YOUR needs?
what a selfish schmuck.
Completely understand, my
Completely understand, my husband has two teenage boys, 1 lives with us and the other stays at weekends. The one that lives with us has pretty much moved his girlfriend in and the other son has just announced he has a gf and wants to bring her round. Feeling completely suffocated and honestly don't want to be here anymore. I've only been with my husband a few years and we have gone from 2 to 6 most evenings and weekends so I have no personal space. My husband doesn't understand and just happy to have his boys here all the time but it's pushing me away as I want some space. You're not alone.