Lol this made me laugh a little. I sure hope so. I'm 27 and married w/kid and skid. As much of a step hell I feel like Im in now, I only see my own SM xmas, maybe turkey day and 2-3 other times over the year. I rarely talk to my dad so its not like I'm ever calling or needing anything. I cant say I was perfect kid, but I wasn't horrible, but I'm sure she was glad to see me go.
On the other hand, both my stepsis (and her kids) and my stepbro live there. They are 26 and 25, and both have 2 kids. They will always need more $ and always need somewhere to live, someone to pay the bills and someone to take care of their kids.
It really depends on how much you put up with and how dependent they are being raised to be. Coddled kids become adults that require handholding and ass-wiping!
Definately yes. Once they launch and you can focus on your spouse and marriage it does get better. Not that for me the whole raising the young Skid thing was all that bad. Good kid, great bride, exciting life .... Other than the periodic appearance of the toothless dipshits in the Sperm Clan things were never all that bad.
But even then, there are some horror stories about adult skids who don't live at home that seem to cause just as many problems.
It all depends on your DH and his relationship with his kids. I say it's never too early to discuss how things will be handled once they become adults.
One thing I made absolutely clear was that no other adult live with us. And certainly, no adults and their offspring. So far, so good.
i have a feeling SD will never launch but her mother will be content to have her live at home with her forever, just as she has done with per parents. at this point, fiance pays for NOTHING except child support and i feel confident he will not help her out as an adult unless she works full time and attempts to make something of herself.
DH and I waited to marry until his youngest and my youngest were 18 and safely off to college. Both came back to the parental nest. At the same time. SS because of issues with self medication (that DH denied for a very long time). We ran through huge amounts of money for "flat tires," etc. DD came back to get out of an abusive relationship. Again, many hundreds of dollars later she's at my doorstep, basically broken.
I swear, had we not had TWO messed up kids we'd not have made it. It was hard being newlyweds and having these other grownups to take care of, but we did it. I almost left DH twice over his inability to provide financial and other boundaries. Some days I was raising three children -- DH, SS, and my own DD. I spent a lot of time angry and resentful.
Today, SS has been clean for more than three years. I have a good relationship with him. DD is back in school, and dating a man with no children, college educated, employed, and no criminal record. DH has a good relationship with her. My bigger challenge in the last year or so has been SD. I learned about disengagement and she has backed off from trying to control her father's life. He is a sap for his children and it is not attractive.
So, for us it got much WORSE for a time. But now, much better. Focus on good parenting and the primary relationship in the household, and your chances are good. But if dad is Disney parenting now, it doesn't change when they are 18. And the pricetag is a lot higher too.
Steel yourself and read through the Adult Stepkids forum.
UM NO. I have two. When was over 18 and one was under it was worse. Now both are 18. Honestly, it's just sad because the kids carry out bm's agenda. Expect money grubbing.
"Better" is a relative term, I guess. We are lucky in that SS and SD are both employed and self-sufficient and do not depend on their Dad (my SO) in that regard. There is no longer the financial connection to them and absolutely no communication with BM whatsoever.
On the other hand, we had hoped their relationship with him would get better once they become more mature and independent. It hasn't. The BM alienated them from him when they were younger, taught them to withhold information about their lives, treat their father like a polite stranger, and basically maintain allegiance with her alone - the ultimate parent. She taught them that he was basically expendable. And that's how he remains.
His son completely stopped talking or communicating with my SO several years ago at 23, when his "child" support payments to the BM stopped. There was no fight, no argument with his son. The only hint we have is that BM evidently said that she could no longer afford Christmas for the skids after she received the last CS payment - more manipulation on her part.
His daughter NEVER EVER reaches out to him - not a phone call, not a text, nothing. If he texts her she will respond and does come to visit if he invites her or he'll go to her place. However, I have seen him purposely NOT contact her to see if she will initiate, and she never does. I am sure it would go on that way for months but he eventually breaks down and contacts her.
So that part of it hasn't gotten "better." The heartache he feels by being shut out and ignorant of his kids lives appears to be unending. I am sure it will continue on this way, even when the skids wind up having kids of their own. When the skids are small, you hold some hope that things might get better when they get older. Once they aren't small, you don't have that hope anymore.
It is a sad situation for him to be faced with the fact that he has a daughter and a son and essentially no relationship with them. So, no, that part has not gotten better and in fact, is worse the older we get and the more we realize how empty his relationship with his "kids" is.
2Tired, this makes me so sad....mostly becuase its what ive already predicted will happen with SD13 and her dad but as you indicated, i hold out hope. this confirms my fears/predictions are spot on.
I have two adult sd's. With my husband's eldest daughter it got waaaay worse right around the time she turned 18 (sorry) but with the YSD it has steadily gotten better over the years
My husband's eldest has always had issues with her parents, step-parents, extended family and even has royally pissed off FIL's good friends :jawdrop:
Guess I'm not surprised she is still acting like an ass
My YSD is very different than her older sister, but she always has been....
I've never understood what it is about 18 that makes people think after raising a spoilt, rude, self centred, over indulged brat for 18 years, that on the day of the 18th birthday, the fairies will magically sprinkle respectful, polite, independent, caring people dust on them, and poof, it's all better.
If they haven't been raised to be independent, well mannered, productive people before they turn 18, they sure aren't going to be on the day of their 18th.
They are not about to move out and support themselves at 18, 21, or 91 for that matter if they have a nice life with mummy or daddy supporting them. In fact at 18 it can get far worse. Now they see themselves as adults. They want to come and go as they please, bring the boyfriend/girlfriend to your home for sleepovers. You of course will be expected to cook for and clean up after their partners, their friends etc., and God help you if you expect to run your own home, decide who does or doesn't enter. They're not backward in coming forward to tell you how it will be. You don't get to dislike or not trust their friends , you don't get to say don't bring them to my home. But you do get to supply them with a car or cars, pay the registration and insurance, and loan them yours when theirs is smashed or in need of repair. 18 is not magical. For them to be independent at 18, they have to have been raised that way.
IMHO the key is the Burning Platform approach when the kids are hesitant to launch. If they are in school or working, fine. Depending on other behavior variables I am fine with mom and dad supporting or contributing to their support as long as the kids are making progress toward viable adulthood.
In our case, or more applicably in my SS's case we had to light the platform on fire before he jumped. He graduated from HS on time and with honors though not without notable drama. His mom and I offered to pay for his college studies including his living costs. He was welcome to even live at home as long as he was either in school or working.
He wanted to neither go to school or get a job. So we lit the platform and kept turning up the heat until he acted. We turned in to our live in beck-and-call boy, housekeeper, cook, do what we want done when we want it done resource. If he was not making an effort then we for sure were going to get some return on our food, housing, etc... investment once he finished HS.
The chore list started with daily duties including cleaning the kitchen, doing the dishes and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner and some weekly chores like cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping,dusting, etc... For a month or so that was his job. Then we turned up the heat. We got rid of our lawn service and the Skid did it all. We upped the bathroom cleaning to daily, the floors to daily and he kept doing the cooking, dishes, etc,.... Then we added cleaning the windows inside and out, brushing the cobwebs off of the outside of the house, etc..... Every couple of weeks me added more to the beck and call boy list.
Then we started locking the internet and cable TV during the work day.
On one occassion after several days of him failing to do his household jobs my DW pulled him out of his bed when she left for work and put him on the back porch with no phone and no key. He sat there all day in his sleep togs. When his mom and I got home from work we let him in. He never tested us after that. He did his tasks.
Eventually he decided it he was going to work he might as well make some money so he asked us to take him to meetings with the USAF and USMC recruiters. Ultimately he signed up for 6yrs in the USAF and was promptly sent off for 3 years of training. Mom and dad like that part. His ASVABs were top 2% so he had some great opportunities for jobs. Since the USAF had him studying anyway he decided to work on his BS. He is coming up on his 3rd year of service and is doing great.
We raised him to be a viable adult and when he balked we pushed him out of the next.
Even if they were not raised to be viable adults if you light the platform/nest of fire they will jump. They will have no choice.
Yep! You can't raise them to be one thing their entire lives, and expect them to be another as an adult. Once an over indulged spoilt brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement. Always a spoilt brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement who raises over indulged spoilt brat kids with over inflated senses of entitlement. Can't blame them though, they know no better because they were never raised to think or make decisions for themselves, daddy and/or mummy wouldn't let them. Because daddy and mummy wouldn't let them grow up.
My skids are 19 and 16. It's nice having less contact with BM because they are old enough that they don't need to rely on her for connection to DH, but that's about the only improvement. The two 16-year-olds have been PASed out of DH's life and I am wholly disengaged (blissfully) so I don't think I'll notice much difference in two years when they're all legally adults. People, self-entitled a-hole skids included, will take advantage of you to the greatest extent you permit them to do so. Maintaining your own boundaries is key.
For me it got better. But I
For me it got better. But I think only because SS went into service. And I still put up with step crap with him being in service.
Lol this made me laugh a
Lol this made me laugh a little. I sure hope so. I'm 27 and married w/kid and skid. As much of a step hell I feel like Im in now, I only see my own SM xmas, maybe turkey day and 2-3 other times over the year. I rarely talk to my dad so its not like I'm ever calling or needing anything. I cant say I was perfect kid, but I wasn't horrible, but I'm sure she was glad to see me go.
On the other hand, both my stepsis (and her kids) and my stepbro live there. They are 26 and 25, and both have 2 kids. They will always need more $ and always need somewhere to live, someone to pay the bills and someone to take care of their kids.
It really depends on how much you put up with and how dependent they are being raised to be. Coddled kids become adults that require handholding and ass-wiping!
Definately yes. Once they
Definately yes. Once they launch and you can focus on your spouse and marriage it does get better. Not that for me the whole raising the young Skid thing was all that bad. Good kid, great bride, exciting life .... Other than the periodic appearance of the toothless dipshits in the Sperm Clan things were never all that bad.
Once they launch IF they
Once they launch
IF they launch. And stay launched.
But even then, there are some horror stories about adult skids who don't live at home that seem to cause just as many problems.
It all depends on your DH and his relationship with his kids. I say it's never too early to discuss how things will be handled once they become adults.
One thing I made absolutely clear was that no other adult live with us. And certainly, no adults and their offspring. So far, so good.
i have a feeling SD will
i have a feeling SD will never launch but her mother will be content to have her live at home with her forever, just as she has done with per parents. at this point, fiance pays for NOTHING except child support and i feel confident he will not help her out as an adult unless she works full time and attempts to make something of herself.
SD28 definitely didn't stop
SD28 definitely didn't stop being an effing brat simply because she turned 18.
For the love of GOD Calypso,
For the love of GOD Calypso, don't look in the adult forums- you might turn into a pillar of salt! (Veteran SM to CTBB36)
DH and I waited to marry
DH and I waited to marry until his youngest and my youngest were 18 and safely off to college. Both came back to the parental nest. At the same time. SS because of issues with self medication (that DH denied for a very long time). We ran through huge amounts of money for "flat tires," etc. DD came back to get out of an abusive relationship. Again, many hundreds of dollars later she's at my doorstep, basically broken.
I swear, had we not had TWO messed up kids we'd not have made it. It was hard being newlyweds and having these other grownups to take care of, but we did it. I almost left DH twice over his inability to provide financial and other boundaries. Some days I was raising three children -- DH, SS, and my own DD. I spent a lot of time angry and resentful.
Today, SS has been clean for more than three years. I have a good relationship with him. DD is back in school, and dating a man with no children, college educated, employed, and no criminal record. DH has a good relationship with her. My bigger challenge in the last year or so has been SD. I learned about disengagement and she has backed off from trying to control her father's life. He is a sap for his children and it is not attractive.
So, for us it got much WORSE for a time. But now, much better. Focus on good parenting and the primary relationship in the household, and your chances are good. But if dad is Disney parenting now, it doesn't change when they are 18. And the pricetag is a lot higher too.
Steel yourself and read through the Adult Stepkids forum.
Yep. I said those exact
Yep. I said those exact things about DH myself!
No it does not get better.
No it does not get better.
UM NO. I have two. When was
UM NO. I have two. When was over 18 and one was under it was worse. Now both are 18. Honestly, it's just sad because the kids carry out bm's agenda. Expect money grubbing.
"Better" is a relative term,
"Better" is a relative term, I guess. We are lucky in that SS and SD are both employed and self-sufficient and do not depend on their Dad (my SO) in that regard. There is no longer the financial connection to them and absolutely no communication with BM whatsoever.
On the other hand, we had hoped their relationship with him would get better once they become more mature and independent. It hasn't. The BM alienated them from him when they were younger, taught them to withhold information about their lives, treat their father like a polite stranger, and basically maintain allegiance with her alone - the ultimate parent. She taught them that he was basically expendable. And that's how he remains.
His son completely stopped talking or communicating with my SO several years ago at 23, when his "child" support payments to the BM stopped. There was no fight, no argument with his son. The only hint we have is that BM evidently said that she could no longer afford Christmas for the skids after she received the last CS payment - more manipulation on her part.
His daughter NEVER EVER reaches out to him - not a phone call, not a text, nothing. If he texts her she will respond and does come to visit if he invites her or he'll go to her place. However, I have seen him purposely NOT contact her to see if she will initiate, and she never does. I am sure it would go on that way for months but he eventually breaks down and contacts her.
So that part of it hasn't gotten "better." The heartache he feels by being shut out and ignorant of his kids lives appears to be unending. I am sure it will continue on this way, even when the skids wind up having kids of their own. When the skids are small, you hold some hope that things might get better when they get older. Once they aren't small, you don't have that hope anymore.
It is a sad situation for him to be faced with the fact that he has a daughter and a son and essentially no relationship with them. So, no, that part has not gotten better and in fact, is worse the older we get and the more we realize how empty his relationship with his "kids" is.
It will never change, I'm afraid.
2Tired, this makes me so
2Tired, this makes me so sad....mostly becuase its what ive already predicted will happen with SD13 and her dad but as you indicated, i hold out hope. this confirms my fears/predictions are spot on.
somebody's, i sent you a
somebody's, i sent you a private message....
2Tired...yes. This exactly.
2Tired...yes. This exactly.
if they are treated as young
if they are treated as young adults and expected to behave like it. not if they are still being coddled and spoiled.
It depends on how good the
It depends on how good the booze is that you can afford.
The better the booze, the better it gets.
I have two adult sd's. With
I have two adult sd's. With my husband's eldest daughter it got waaaay worse right around the time she turned 18 (sorry) but with the YSD it has steadily gotten better over the years
My husband's eldest has always had issues with her parents, step-parents, extended family and even has royally pissed off FIL's good friends :jawdrop:
Guess I'm not surprised she is still acting like an ass
My YSD is very different than her older sister, but she always has been....
I've never understood what it
I've never understood what it is about 18 that makes people think after raising a spoilt, rude, self centred, over indulged brat for 18 years, that on the day of the 18th birthday, the fairies will magically sprinkle respectful, polite, independent, caring people dust on them, and poof, it's all better.
If they haven't been raised to be independent, well mannered, productive people before they turn 18, they sure aren't going to be on the day of their 18th.
They are not about to move out and support themselves at 18, 21, or 91 for that matter if they have a nice life with mummy or daddy supporting them. In fact at 18 it can get far worse. Now they see themselves as adults. They want to come and go as they please, bring the boyfriend/girlfriend to your home for sleepovers. You of course will be expected to cook for and clean up after their partners, their friends etc., and God help you if you expect to run your own home, decide who does or doesn't enter. They're not backward in coming forward to tell you how it will be. You don't get to dislike or not trust their friends , you don't get to say don't bring them to my home. But you do get to supply them with a car or cars, pay the registration and insurance, and loan them yours when theirs is smashed or in need of repair. 18 is not magical. For them to be independent at 18, they have to have been raised that way.
Bravo, EBU! You said it! I
Bravo, EBU! You said it! I could not agree more! It is not poof-all-better, and there is no magical dust. Or magical number for that matter.
IMHO the key is the Burning
IMHO the key is the Burning Platform approach when the kids are hesitant to launch. If they are in school or working, fine. Depending on other behavior variables I am fine with mom and dad supporting or contributing to their support as long as the kids are making progress toward viable adulthood.
In our case, or more applicably in my SS's case we had to light the platform on fire before he jumped. He graduated from HS on time and with honors though not without notable drama. His mom and I offered to pay for his college studies including his living costs. He was welcome to even live at home as long as he was either in school or working.
He wanted to neither go to school or get a job. So we lit the platform and kept turning up the heat until he acted. We turned in to our live in beck-and-call boy, housekeeper, cook, do what we want done when we want it done resource. If he was not making an effort then we for sure were going to get some return on our food, housing, etc... investment once he finished HS.
The chore list started with daily duties including cleaning the kitchen, doing the dishes and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner and some weekly chores like cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping,dusting, etc... For a month or so that was his job. Then we turned up the heat. We got rid of our lawn service and the Skid did it all. We upped the bathroom cleaning to daily, the floors to daily and he kept doing the cooking, dishes, etc,.... Then we added cleaning the windows inside and out, brushing the cobwebs off of the outside of the house, etc..... Every couple of weeks me added more to the beck and call boy list.
Then we started locking the internet and cable TV during the work day.
On one occassion after several days of him failing to do his household jobs my DW pulled him out of his bed when she left for work and put him on the back porch with no phone and no key. He sat there all day in his sleep togs. When his mom and I got home from work we let him in. He never tested us after that. He did his tasks.
Eventually he decided it he was going to work he might as well make some money so he asked us to take him to meetings with the USAF and USMC recruiters. Ultimately he signed up for 6yrs in the USAF and was promptly sent off for 3 years of training. Mom and dad like that part. His ASVABs were top 2% so he had some great opportunities for jobs. Since the USAF had him studying anyway he decided to work on his BS. He is coming up on his 3rd year of service and is doing great.
We raised him to be a viable adult and when he balked we pushed him out of the next.
Even if they were not raised to be viable adults if you light the platform/nest of fire they will jump. They will have no choice.
It works. Try it.
No. it doesn't get better.
No. it doesn't get better. and then the skids have kids and then expect even more power. disney DH becomes disney grand parent. more issues not less.
Yep! You can't raise them to
Yep! You can't raise them to be one thing their entire lives, and expect them to be another as an adult. Once an over indulged spoilt brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement. Always a spoilt brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement who raises over indulged spoilt brat kids with over inflated senses of entitlement. Can't blame them though, they know no better because they were never raised to think or make decisions for themselves, daddy and/or mummy wouldn't let them. Because daddy and mummy wouldn't let them grow up.
I am hoping that it will..I
I am hoping that it will..I have 15 years left til 18.....But I forgot about Grandkids...shit.
Amen. Blocking BM out of our
Amen. Blocking BM out of our lives can't come soon enough. Sadly, we've still got 12.5 years, at least.
Prepare for the grand kids.
Prepare for the grand kids. The skids then have more to manipulate daddy with.
My skids are 19 and 16. It's
My skids are 19 and 16. It's nice having less contact with BM because they are old enough that they don't need to rely on her for connection to DH, but that's about the only improvement. The two 16-year-olds have been PASed out of DH's life and I am wholly disengaged (blissfully) so I don't think I'll notice much difference in two years when they're all legally adults. People, self-entitled a-hole skids included, will take advantage of you to the greatest extent you permit them to do so. Maintaining your own boundaries is key.