My stepson and wife are destroying a marriage - a long read, but PLEASE help
"Family" composition:
Stepson - from wife's first marriage - 19 (arguably 6)
Stepdaughter - from wife's second marriage - 15 (arguably 23)
Daughter – 3 (nearly the only reason I’m still around)
Wife – 44
Me - 34
Here are the order of events that have caused me to reach the point I’m at. divorce. bear in mind that these are just the "highlights" over the course of 4 – 5 years and are focused on what I think is the problem. My stepson and his relationship with his mother.
So let’s go back to the beginning. I started dating this older woman. Ten years older. I was stuck on the age difference a little at first, but we got along great, so I got over it. about a year goes by and I find that I’m staying at her place most of the time. She’s got two kids which scared me a little, but I decide to give it a shot. We get pregnant, and I’m both excited and scared because this will be my first child, and she’s 40. I have a house that I barely live in by now. So we sell both and buy a bigger one.
So here are the things that happened at her old house before the move.
1. SS15 backs mother's new car into my newish car. no apologies. no attempt to make it right. Not a huge deal to me at the time. a simple mistake.
2. SS16 now is allowed to continue to drive mother's car even after batting mailbox with friends and damaging passenger door. Child lies about the door. is found out. no punishment except to pay for half of the repairs.
I write them off as a couple stupid kid decisions, we sell our old houses and buy a house together. A house that I’ve later been told was a bad financial decision and that SS didn’t like it. I should have taken his advice and not bought the house. I’ll save everyone that tangent. So here’s what happens with SS in the new house that we both own…
1. SS16-17 is apparently allowed to sleep with girls in my house... a little sex after school. No big deal right? I explain to both of them that this bothers me and I don’t condone. SS continues. mother does nothing about it.
2. SS16-17 is STILL permitted to drive mothers vehicle against my recommendations. Eventually the vehicle is totaled while in his care, but since he gave the keys to a friend and the friend is the one who totaled it, he sees it as being no fault of his. no apology... in fact he tells me he did me a favor getting me the insurance money. Like I’m too stupid to understand that we’re down one vehicle now. Oh, sorry, I meant "thanks for the check!"
3. SS18 gets kicked out after slamming his mother into kitchen cupboards for disagreeing with him about something, but musters up an apology to his mother and comes back in a week because he can’t stand living with his father. this makes me feel like there _are_ penalties for him after all... so long as long as his mother is the one offended.
4. SS18 gets his own car through his grandfather. Gets it stuck in my driveway in the middle of winter after a huge snowstorm. his daddy (who lives in neighboring city) comes to rescue him because he's fighting with his mother and me about something stupid he’s doing. While he’s gone, I’m trying to move the car so can finish snow blowing I find booze and beer in the trunk and dump it out. When he arrives home I tell him I dumped it out because he knows I don’t permit an 18 year old drinking let alone carrying things like this in "his" car. His initial reaction is to blast death metal at ungodly volumes. I ask him to turn it down. He does but it's still loud. he knows. I decide I’m done listening to the music and take my wife, daughter, and step-daughter to the mall to escape it. after emerging and finding that he's offending nobody his next reaction is destructive. He dumped out an expensive Bordeaux that was a special find to me, glued a new label on the bottle that read "F^%$ YOU”, glued the bottle back into the wine cooler turned up the furnace to 80+ degrees and left the house. Out of my house was the least of what I wanted him right then... guess where he still lives. It's been over a year since that. No genuine apologies. He did apologize after my relentless bitching about what a jerk the kid was for doing all those things, but it was just to shut me up. Oh, BTW... I did reimburse him for the value of the alcohol because, as I told him, it wasn’t about taking the monetary... it was that I didn’t permit him carrying the stuff in his car.
5. SS19 home from first year of college (that his Aunt is footing the bill for 100%). Goes to Canada with two friends (legal drinking age there is 19) so he can party, gamble, whatever with the play money that he makes during the summer. This ends with one of them having a broken thumb, SS loses his license in Canada, his daddy goes to rescue him because the other two ditch him there. I'd have left him - learn French.
I've tried to talk to the kid, but he's obstinate, arrogant, bigoted. Calls me a hypocrite, ignorant, many more... He writes off my rules as "advice he didn’t feel he had to take". I ABSOLUTELY HATE this kid now... I mean I completely loathe his presence. When I hear his voice I clench my teeth. I've taken a huge liking to 151 Rum. My wife and I fight all the time now. I'm not even attracted to her anymore. She tells me everything’s my fault that things are the way they are, and I think it's bullshit that I’m to blame. what? because I won’t roll over and play dead for this kid that you regularly enable? My official opinion is that SHE AND HIM have ruined our marriage... which I’m now fairly convinced is exactly what he was after. I've done today what I should have done a LONG time ago. Called a marriage counselor to get an objective third party view in the mix. If they say I’m the bad guy then so be it, and I’ll end up leaving my first born. If I’m not... well. the same might happen anyway. I can’t live with them unless some things change. He leaves for college again in 4 weeks, but I feel like nothing will change... he'll come back if/when he wants and under whatever terms he decides because his mother will allow anything. My daughter currently sleeps in an open space upstairs and calls it her room. My wife wants to keep the SS's room intact in case he comes home to visit. I think it should become my daughters. he can sleep on the street for all I care.
Has anyone out there dealt with this kind of thing? Were there ANY solutions? Is there any way in the state of Ohio for a Father to gain custody over the mother? I’m so fed up… but I’m heartbroken at the thought of losing my child. Please HELP!!! I’m suffocating.
Oh. Yeah. I'm there-and finding a way out.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
But H and I have no kids together.
Long story, so I won't go into it in detail, Just hit the highlights.
SD18, at 17, was punished for nothing. She has gotten caught shoplifting. Caught with alcohol in her car. Posted an obsene video on her myspace, featuring her and another girl humping each other, calling each other by targeted girls names, vulgar language and dancing included. She is now on her third vehicle-the first 2 were keyed, shot with bb guns, and otherwise vandalized by other teens who were getting back at her for things she did to them. Not her fault, according to her. And tho H said it most definately was her fault, no punishment. We paid the repairs. She has treated me like shite on her shoe, and her father has stood up for her, formed a secret little society between the two of them, with Bewitched as the enemy.
How to deal with it? IDK. I tried, at first, befriending her. Her intense jealousy, and her already cruel ways, along with H's beaming approval, put an end to that. So I tried just keeping her at arms length. That didn't work well either. H decided I was the evil sm and would do her bidding, no matter what it cost our marriage.
Now he's singing a different tune...for the moment. Why? Because I filed for divorce. Tired of living in hell and only being happy when SD18 & H aren't around. Now I'm hearing how wrong he was...but, methinks that's temporary, and if I stay, I'm in for spending the rest of my life watching H & SD18 enjoy themselves to the fullest, and the expense of everyone else, including SD14 and myself.
Good luck to you. I don't know the answer other than packing up your 3 y.o. and walking.
nice to know
nice to know that it turned around for you. your situation sounds exactly like mine. I've always tolerated it (not for 16 years - you're a strong person), but not any more. She knows i mean it and i only hope she choses to start treating me like a husband and not secondary or subordinate to her children. She just cant seem to get that WE COLLECTIVELY should be deciding about these kids. VOWS are supposed to MEAN something. She had a child. She MARRIED me. God i could rant for hours... nice to know other people survived it. Thanks for mentioning.
Get yourself a lawyer!!!!!!!!
If you want to have custody of your child, then get an attorney that specializes in Father's Rights. Consult with him/her now before any paperwork is filed. I truly hope that you and your wife find help with a counselor, but quite frankly, based on what you say here, that may not happen. You need to protect your rights and your daughter. That needs to be your priority. And you need to be proactive, not reactive. I have found that is where most biological father (BF's) lose ground. They are willing to let the Mother make the first move and agree to things just to make the situation go away. DON'T DO THAT! If you want to be the custodial parent, you have every right. You are her father and you can raise her just as well as her mother. Please get in touch with an attorney. Good luck.
Maybe you're right.
I was going to wait to see what happened with the counseling, but i should at least get something started in case that all goes south fast. Father's Rights specialization. thanks! my head is so cloudy right now... i probably would have just called any joe law. makes me hopeful!
Thanks again!
The "How Wrong I Was" Croc Tears
i got that too. methinks it's temporary too. She accuses me of being the reason everything is screwed up, so i tell her quite simply that i need to get a divorce then. I'm a solution oriented man after all. If im the cause of the trouble then ill go. When i start discussing issues calmly with her with regards to liquidating assets, splitting income/expense, etc... she's a whole new person with this "epiphany" that SHE's possibly at fault in the scenario. nice try. who are these people? I've done nothing but contribute, and for this I'm treated like SHT? When i said those words of needing a divorce i was trying to make a point, but after they left my lips i had this vision of a different life. One that's not hell... i know what you mean. I DREAD when the step son is around. My day is ruined just by his presence. he doesnt even have to talk to me. I just want to cry when I think about my daughter though. I know wife will try to keep her cause im "not father material" per her words lol. Just the guy that supported your kids regardless of how they treated me for five years? Soccer gear, cell phones, vacations, food, housing, etc. That's not father/husband material? but in OH father loses unless gross neglegence on her part, etc. My daughter is such a beautiful, precious thing...I'm so sad right now i could die.
Sorry about your situation. it sounds very similar. I'd leave in a heartbeat w/o any of my own kids. you're very lucky in that regard. Best of luck to you too. thanks for talking.
Can you
kick your stepson's ass and make it look like one of his "friends" did it? Seriously that is what he needs it sounds like. I would have a really hard time putting up with anything you have described from a kid. He needs to leave and not come back. Sign him up for the armed services - they will straighten him out.
I'm speechless and I'm surprised your wife is taking this crap from him.
haha!
Trust me, i've been all over that option in my mind on more than one occassion. It makes me grin, but im no better than the kid if i beat him into a pile of hamburger. He will answer to Karma someday. BTW, she isnt taking crap from him. she makes excuses for him. The canada incident results in this: "kids this age have been fighting through all generations" blaa blaa blaa... not wanting to get into ANOTHER fight with her i kept my tounge, but i was thinking "yeah, there the ones that are in jail 20 years later and still blaming anyone but themselves"
Thanks for your input.
Wow, dmac.
Simply horrific. Are you going to the counselor alone? or is wife coming?
I think that, at the very minimum, counseling is in order. And also, SS needs to move out. He's 19, time to grow up and screw up on his own time. Of course, you and wife would have to be on the same page for that. If you're both going to counseling together, I hope you two can start to see more on the same page (read; she can see that her son is breaking you apart).
But, if you left, frankly, no one would blame you at this point. I hope you can stick it out through a little counseling. Especially for your own peace of mind. I think it can be comforting to be able to say to yourself, I really did try everything I could think of. It sure helped me when my first marriage ended.
Hugs! I really feel for you.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
SS will just get worse....
My bio father was enabled from birth; he still is. He never took care of my sister or me b/c that's what his parents were there for. He'd total his truck from a drunk night and would scream and yell at my grandparents until they bought him a new one b/c they wanted him out of their house. Then he'd loose his license and would get the new truck impounded, leaving my grandparents to pay off the loan....
He's now 51 and although he's apologized (with sincere) it still feels good knowing I have so much more than he will ever have. He still doesn't work, still makes a living off of gambling (which at one point stole 65k from his own mother to take to the casino... it's okay though.. he repaid 1,000$).
Bottom line, it starts when they're young and never ends until you break the cycle. My grandparents never did that, and my father has nothing to show for. If you love your daughter enough, fight to the bone for custody. She can't be raised in a potential violent home, and if your wife cared enough about her son she would let him be an adult, make mistakes and find a way to make things right; it's called tough love.
God bless you dmac and good luck...
Oh my...amazing women out
Oh my...amazing women out there...geez...
I am sorry you are going through this...no way I would put up with it, but I understand that you don't want to leave your daughter either...I would get a lawyer and start documenting every single thing that crazy SS does...and what you wife's reaction is...with that, I would hope that a lawyer/judge would see what an unfit mother she is...hey, she's got two kids, different dads and now yours? hmmm...I hate to say it but maybe it's because she's an unfit mother? You think? Maybe the ex-husband kisses his son's behind because the mother has done a lousy job of raising him and the dad feels bad that he didn't interfere more and save his son? Just thinking...
Good luck...I would definitely do anything to get custody if that was my daughter...
A really really good idea, herewego
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
If he documents not only the DW's behaviours and reactions to what SS is doing, but also what SS does, he could use that as an unsafe environment for the little one.
Document, document, document. And if you're not ready to file for divorce, do check things out with an attorney anyway. Know your rights, know what you need, where you need it, and how to get it.
Document and Think About Why It is a Bad Environment for the Bab
(1) blasting rock music - inteferes with baby's routine and mental health
(2) writing profanity on wine bottles - baby will be reading soon . . .
(3) underage drinking and driving - danger that SS will endanger child
you get the idea.
throw the SS under the bus and the wife for enabling it and letting it all happen
she either needs to wake up and get it together, or you just take the child using all the ammunition you already have.
more good ideas
Thanks to you and bewitched... I've begun just that, as well as a journal of the goings on of each evening at the house. Last night she had a pleasant conversation with her psychopathic son, then proceeded to scream at me because i didnt feel like talking. go figure. i feel like all this woman does is scream at me now. no resolutions. just scream. -dated/documented. First counseling session is tomorrow. We meet individually with couselor in this session, but i have a feeling all it will do is make her furious when we pair up at the next one. I feel she's not going to like what she has to face and will take it out on me...again. Personally, i'm objective. If a professional tells me im flawed in the way i handled things, i'll try whatever is offered. I just hope she's willing too. I still have love for this person, i just cant live under these conditions.
Who could expect you to?
I'm honestly surprised you are just going to the counselor now. It sounds like SS has been a royal PITA for quite some time. His behavior is one that many see all the time now. Spoiled rotten, with no consequences fro bad behavior. My mom or dad would have beat my ass for doing any one of those things, still would and I'm 27.
More than anything your wife is an enabler, like MzMasi said. It won't get any better. My Aunts exH was the same way. Never held a job, wrecked car after car, DUI after DUI, stealing money, drug use abound, until his dying day he was a leach and a scum bucket. And he was like this because his mom and dad let him be a 55 year old loser POS.
This is where SS is heading. This is what you will be dealing with in the future if your wife doesn't give him a boot in the ass.
I hate it for your daughter and SD. Is your SD well behaved? I think you should fight for split custody if you divorce. Don't run away from your child. She needs her dad, even if her mother makes life hell for you. She's only 3.
spolied rotten
To say the least. I'm just amazed that a little kid has the power to wreck my marriage and life by leveraging his mother. trust me... i dont want her raising my daughter if this counseling fails. I'm forming arguments now (should have started about a year ago) to take to lawyer. I think I'll lose my mind if it ended up that she got primary custody of my daughter. especially after the comments SS recently said about the fact that "he'll be there for them (his sisters)". Like this is the last phase of his plan. I should be gone soon he thinks, but he doesnt just want me gone... he's got to essentially tell me he's going to be the daddy to my child. You have no idea the angst.
Geesh..
You sound like me. Your doing most of the parenting for someone else kid and yet you feel like your the one to blame for the whole situation falling apart. I'm just about to get married and my fh's son does things that are not appropriate as well. My fh is 17 years older than me and when his kids are here (they live with their mother, thank GOD) they try to avoid rules that I have set for my home. I think you sound like you are on the right track to the way you hadle situations with her kids or at least the way you mention how you approach her kids. I think your idea of getting a counselor involved is a great idea, at least that will give you the chance to talk to someone face to face and vent what is going on and with how you feel.
yup.
I feel like i'm trying to do the right thing (not even my kids) and establish rules, but am constantly made into the "heavy" for doing it. it's disheartening. yes, it was nice to talk to someone outside of that house about what goes on and how i feel about things... cause god knows nobody IN the house seems to give a $$#@