Walking into my house?
I'm a new member and I've been reading the site for a few weeks. I have found it very helpful as I'm transitioning into this new role since Feb. We have the skids EOW. I thought BM was going to be unobtrusive, and she and BF have a pretty amicable relationship for the children's sake. I'm finding, however, that I'm having to nip some "control" issues and "role" issues in the bud before they get out of hand. BM was calling every day, several times a day, always with some issue about the kids. I became so sick of hearing her ring tone. We would try to have dinner...it would ring. We'd be out with friends...it would ring. We'd be in bed...it would ring. I finally answered one Sat on her second call of the morning. She sounded surprised I answered his cell phone. She asked to speak with him and I told her he was busy moving furniture and asked if I could take a message. She said "tell him the fundraiser stuff is in and he needs to pick it up." Didn't ask, just told. We had the kids. I told her I didn't know if that was possible because we were busy trying to get everything painted for a party we were having and asked if she could possibly pick it up. She got short with me and said "have him call me." He did and she told him I was rude to her. He defended me (he heard the conversation) and told her we were trying to build a life together and she needed to stop calling every day all the time. To send him emails unless it was an emergency. So, to her credit, she has.
This past weekend, we had a party for SS13 soccer team. BM was there and brought a friend b/c she said she would feel uncomfortable. (This used to be her home, now I'm in it.) She knew we had been painting and redecorating. The party was an OUTSIDE party. Within ten minutes, she took her friend inside without asking me or BF and showed her around the house to include OPENING our bedroom door and showing her what we had done there. I was LIVID!! After I calmed down, I pulled her aside and said "We aren't really giving tours of our home and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take people inside and show them around, and ESPECIALLY if you wouldn't show them our (emphasis here) bedroom." She later apologized to BF and he told her she needed to apologize to me, but she hasn't. I'm okay with that though. It's obvious she still thinks she holds a higher position in priority than me even though she decided she wanted someone else and she was the one that left.
WOW! It does feel good to vent. Thanks!
Cheri
You handled it beautifully. I"m not sure you need to do anything more right now. I think you made your point forcefully and eloquently and did a really nice job. You didn't embarrass her, you didn't yell or scream at your DH about her intrusion. You told her, in no uncertain terms, that it is now YOUR house. Nice job!!! Keep answering his cell and doing what you are doing. And DH sounds like he is on the right path as well. I'm concerned that if you get confrontational with this woman (as so far, things are somewhat amicable) then it will go downhill and spiral from there. You did exactly what you needed to do, and didn't apologize - to her or to your DH. She backed off, and he supported you. Keep it up , handle the issues as they arise, and you will do great!!!
Site definitely helps!
It is hard living in the same house they not only shared but BUILT together. And we ideally would like to sell and get our own house together, but not the right time with economy, etc. But, that's why we totally redid the entire downstairs and that has helped. And I do understand it's probably hard for her to see someone else in the house, but she made her choices.
As far as the party, all parents were invited so of course she should be there. However, we threw a graduation party for BF's neice two weekends before and she asked him if she were going to be invited? It was also the first time I would meet his family. He kind of dropped the ball on that and said he would have his sister call her. I did make a fuss about that and let him know that I understood she was "aunt" for years, but this was OUR party for neice and she shouldn't be there, plus I'm nervous enough about meeting the family. He agreed so she was told she was not invited to the party. However, we were having an open house for neice on Sun and she was told she was welcome to "drop by" that. She asked BF what he told his family about them and he said "the truth." She said that was going to be uncomfortable for her to see his family and he said "perhaps you shouldn't come by then." She didn't.
CheriPie
You got a good man there!!!
Been there...
I also live in the house that used to be theirs. When I first moved here, he found BM in our house, TWICE, when we were not home, both times in our bedroom ! We immediately changed the locks, and did not provide keys to the SKIDS because they also went snooping whenever possible. They were only here part time back then, and when they were here, one of us always was home, so nobody was ever left standing outside. We also placed a lock on our bedroom, which we still use to this day when we are gone, even though we only have one kid left. She's not trustsworthy at all, so anything "non-kid" gets locked in there.. alcohol, etc.... SD15 who now lives full time here still has no key, but can get in through the garage. If she's supposed to be elsewhere, she has to call us in order to get into the house. I know it sounds extreme, but there are a lot of reasons behind it.
We have also informed BM AND SKID that NO ONE is allowed in our house without our permission, and yes, that does include mommy dearest.
The major upside is that we have purchased another house, which we are doing an addition on, and as soon as it's ready, we will be moving to MY (our) house. We bought it in part due to the fact that he fully understands why I hate living in this house. Frankly, he doesn't really like it either, which just works even more for me.... Now, we just get to hear all the pissy comments about how we must be rich to have a "big fancy new house.." which is ridiculous, given that we have to do the work ourselves, but whatever.... my revenge toward BM is to have all the things with him that she never did... maybe she should have worked a bit harder... and maybe she should have been faithful.. it pays off... LMAO !
Good for you for setting the boundaries firmly and early.
Sweet CheriPie,
It sounds as if you have a chance of having actually found one of the few reasonable Blended Family Opposition Bio Parents who can get past the vitriolic bitterness and is willing to be more than vindictive.
Good for you, and hopefully, good for her.
And, welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and learn from the useful experiences of other Blended Families.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Whether she used to live
Whether she used to live there or not, it is not her home anymore. I would have gone psycho on her ass if it was me, but you obviously handled it much better, lol.
We were very hesitant to give SD's a key to our house, but didn't have a choice because they ride the bus home from school. We don't allow BM to drop them off at our house if we are not there. She knows we have cameras, but I still wouldn't put it past her to walk right in.
I might look into putting a lock on our bedroom door and office...not a bad idea.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
sounds like you found yourself a good man
From the sounds of it, your BF is willing to back you one hundred percent and that is priceless. Many women and men struggle with significant others who don't back them up whenever the ex causes problems. Good to hear that you're not in one of those situations.
I would have slapped that woman for waltzing into MY home and the bedroom I share with my darling and showing it off to people as if she belongs there in any capacity. As long as she backs off then you'll be okay.
Welcome to StepTalk! I've loved this site and hopefully it helps you out too. Its especially useful for maintaining sanity lol
He IS a good man.....
and I can't help but look at him and wonder how or why she ever let him go. So far, he has been very responsive to my feelings and seems to understand how I feel about her still trying to "assert" herself. I have to admit that he doesn't always "see" the issue at first (like when she was manuevering herself to stand next to him after every soccer game) but when I point things out to him and make suggestions of how I would like to see it handled, he seems to be putting in those efforts. The next time she did that at a soccer game, he moved closer to me and put his arm around me while he was still talking.
And believe me, I DID want to slap her for walking into my house. I still get riled up about it when I think about it but a wise man told me once, "If you know someone is going to act a certain way, why do you get upset when they do exactly what you expected?"
I know she is going to try to do these things(at least for a while) and I can't control what she is going to do. I can only control how I react, and let BF know what I expect of his response. So far so good!