OT: Need some perspective on a family situation
My sister is getting married for the first time at age 39. I saw her this weekend and she is wearing as her engagement ring a ring that belonged to my maternal grandmother. It is beautiful. Then my mom pipes up and tells me that for her wedding band they are giving my sister my paternal grandmother's ring.
I'm not going to lie, I was hurt. I got married 13 years ago and was never offered a damn thing in terms of anybody's ring. And I am extremely sentimental and not at all materialistic, my mother knows I would have loved and gladly worn any of them and they would have meant MORE to me than something bought from a jeweler.
To top it off, as the oldest granddaughter, I was supposed to get my maternal great-grandmother's wedding band. My grandmother used to show it to me where it was hidden and tell me that some day it would be mine, it was her wish that I have it. I even tried it on when I was in high school and it fit. But when she died, my mother "traded" that ring to her brother for something of my grandmother's she wanted for herself. I was devastated, my mom knows that, she has never apologized.
So I am feeling sorry for myself that my sister gets both of my grandparents' rings and I get nothing. Am I wrong?
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Comments
Yeah, I would never say
Yeah, I would never say anything to my sister about this. I want her to be happy. I don't know how this came about, I don't know if she asked for them or if my parents offered. But you have two daughters and two rings, you give both to one and none to the other? Plus I was VERY close with my paternal grandmother, she was my rock, having her ring would have been SO special to me. Now every time I see my sister for the rest of my freaking life I will be reminded of this. Just sad.
What, you mean just because
What, you mean just because the entire family knows he just got $5000 from selling some cattle, he should be expected to fork over a couple hundred to buy my sister an engagement ring?! Sorry, my bitter is starting to show.
Well you can sit in silent
Well you can sit in silent self pity or voice your issues to your parents.
My mom knows I am upset about
My mom knows I am upset about this, I honestly don't think she cares.
If that is the case with your
If that is the case with your mom, what if you discussed with your sister?
No, you're not wrong. But
No, you're not wrong. But you still have to let it go.
I also think it's weird that your sister's fiance isn't giving/buying the rings himself.
I'm the same way as you, the sentimental one. In a family of people who just want more more more. Your mom doesn't get it. She is a short-term thinker. All about what she wants now. Not a person to be trusted. Mine is the same way, but can't understand why I'm not close with her anymore. I love her, of course, but I have to protect myself.
It's weird, and wrong, how your parents are - to just give all the heirlooms to your sister and you get nothing. But unless something was given directly to you via a will, it's not yours in legal fact. I had to deal with something similar when my dad passed - he left everything to my sister. Technically, I could have contested the will to get a portion of his estate, but then I thought, I have made my own way without much in the way of help or support from my dad most of my life. Sure, it'd be easier with half a mil, but I don't want the drama. I don't resent that my sister got everything, I resent that she feels she deserved it in some way but I don't waste time dwelling on it.
With daughters they should be
With daughters they should be split up. Only fair. I would talk to your mom and your sister.
I agree it's worth a
I agree it's worth a conversation. But I suspect her mom will just get angry and defensive with the OP and her sister will feel caught in the middle - possibly her mom will put the sister right in the middle!
I think to just tell the mom, while sis is in the room, "Oh, I thought I'd be getting one of the rings. Especially since you already gave away the one I was supposed to get from great-granny. Of course I'm glad to see sis well taken care of, but don't you want to pass along family jewlery to me too?"
I sort of did that. When my
I sort of did that. When my mom called my attention to the ring my sister was wearing (my sister hadn't shown it to me), I brought up my sadness at the loss of my great-grandmother's ring that was supposed to be mine. That's when my mom said she was also giving my sister my paternal grandmother's wedding band. So it's like she knows and still doesn't care. I had to leave and go collect myself, I had tears in my eyes, my mom saw that.
I'm sorry you are so sad.
I'm sorry you are so sad. Something like that would create a major divide in my family ties.
Yes, she knows. Has your mom
Yes, she knows. Has your mom regularly played the favourites game? 39 is very old to still be living at home, is there something wrong with your sister?
It sounds like your mom is a bit like Dtzy's Granny Succubus, trying to have her girls fight over things/her so that she can feel like the centre and the most important person in the world.
I guess I have a hard time
I guess I have a hard time believing it is not intentional. I have a hard time believing my mother could not figure out that giving one child both rings and the other child none would create hard feelings. My sister is the baby, she lives with my parents, I think they feel they still need to "support" her. And because I'm self-sufficient, I don't "need" anything. And I would never ask them for anything, so, short end of the stick I guess.
That is really mean and
That is really mean and insensitive on your moms behalf. I would bring it up, let your parents know how hurt you are and then let it go.
I had the diamonds from my previous engagement rings reset into a totally different style. My exH upgraded my ring so I had 2 really nice rings plus my diamond wedding band. I gave my oldest son the diamond wedding band for his wife, she loves it. I gave one of the engagement rings to my 2nd born son for his fiancé and I have one more diamond engagement ring that I am saving for my youngest son for when he gets engaged.
I didn't have any daughters, so my sons get the rings for their wives/fiances.
Thanks RoadLess, the rings
Thanks RoadLess, the rings are NOT a set. The engagement ring belong to my mother's mother and the wedding band belonged to my father's mother. I never said I was my grandmother's favorite, just that I was very close to her. I don't know who was her favorite, honestly. My uncle knows the situation. He absolutely refuses to give up my great-grandmother's ring, but he also did not give it to his only daughter when she wed, which is what we thought he was keeping it for. He has it just to have it, I don't imagine he has looked at it in a decade, but he refuses to give it up.
I never even thought about
I never even thought about this in those terms. I have two daughters, one of whom is named after my paternal grandmother! But they will not get the rings, I am sure. My sister has an adopted daughter, I suppose she will leave the rings to her.
To clarify, because I know
To clarify, because I know this is confusing, there are three rings in question:
1. The ring belonging to my great-grandmother that was supposed to go to me but was instead traded to my uncle by my mother
2. My maternal grandmother's engagement ring
3. My paternal grandmother's wedding band
Only two of these three are available to "bequeath" to anybody, my mother has two daughters (and a son, by the way) and both of these have been given to my sister, the youngest child in the family.
I would Not!! just passively
I would Not!! just passively accept this.
Your mom And your sister need to know how hurt you are about this!!
In my family one crazy sis kept asking about a pitcher that I said I had several times, she pretended not to understand it was already taken several times.
Finally I gave it to her just to shut her up (and I found another exact one on eBay ha ha)!!
For bigger things that are important to me you better believe I am fighting for them!! They have, so I am too!!! The people involved have been awful to me so I am not worried about our future relationship either!!
Maybe you could take pics of the rings and get them reproduced?? That way you could have them too and B1 and 2 couldn't do a damn thing about it. Ha! Ha!!!
I have a similar but
I have a similar but different resentment. My ex-fiance was also my uncle(in-law)'s brother. When he broke up with me, I gave him my ring set back. I was stupid as he broke up with me and the ring would have been considered a gift. We were only a few months away from the wedding.
For whatever reason, he gave that ring set to my aunt, his brother's wife. She recently passed away from breast cancer that spread. My uncle gave that wedding set to my (already married) cousin!
I had to deal my whole childhood with my cousin getting a lot of stuff that I didn't (spoiled as the "baby" of the family). Now she has my damn wedding set too!