Swapping Weekends
I have been reading through some great advice on Step Talk and again I have to pose the latest BM scenario and welcome feedback/advice.
In the divorce aggreement for child care my DH gets the kids for spring break (now only two days off of school instead of the week they used to get and we keep them Saturday) and then they have to be at the BM's house by 10:00 a.m. on Easter Sunday. BM is going on vacation and asked us to watch the kids for a week and so we proposed how about you keep them for this weeks spring break Thursday through Sunday which would be the swap for us watching them while she goes on vacation.
She called last night and confirmed that she would do the swap. So my DH and I made plans to go out of town to my family's house for Easter. She then this a.m. e-mails DH to state she has family coming in from out of town and they want to go to dinner on Saturday night. She asked if we or DH Mother could pick up the kids from skating at 11pm and then keep them overnight and bring them back to her in the a.m.
I am irritated because if you know you have the kids could you not do dinner within a four hour window and be available to pick up the kids at 11pm? Or take the kids to dinner with her family? Or, make alternate plans for the several hours that she needs coverage.
I was tempted to just say to DH tell her to forget this weekend. But, then we would be required to come back on Sunday morning by 10am to have the kids back which means we would have to get up at 6:30 to leave by 7am to have the kids back on Easter. Or, we could say you agreed to this find alternative coverage. Or what I think is that we pick them up from her on Saturday and will keep them until Sunday afternoon.
All in all, I feel that she is in a win win situation and it irritates me that she cannot be a responsible parent.
Thoughts?
I would say, its on her
I would say, its on her time, its her problem.
Sorry.. new wife and I will be out of town visiting family. You will need to either a) be done w/dinner in time to pick them up yourself, or b) get a babysitter to do it. See you for the prearranged pick up time, prior to your vaca.
That is what I would be at. Its the skids family too..
Frustrated
Thank you for the feedback. Sometimes, I just need to bounce situations that come up to people that have experience. I cannot tell you how nice it is knowing that Step Talk is here for us!! Thanks again.
no problem. You are not
no problem. You are not being unreasonable, nor should you have to ALWAYS be the ones changing your plans to please her. She requested this change pretty much.. so she should have to work w/in the parameters of it. Otherwise, she would have to find a sitter for her vacation.
They always seem to want the world handed to them on a silver platter, and not have to pick up the slack.
My dh's ex, her new dh does all the driving of the skids, and stuff.. she does hardly anything.. whenever the skids say that something was done for them.. its Stepdad did this and that.. never bm.
Sad.
Definitely Do not change
Definitely Do not change your plans!! She is just doing this to test how much control she has over you and your DH! If you give in she will do this forever!!My H and I made this mistake and the BM (B!@#) actually tried to give the kids back during our honeymoon!!!! We were out of the country and she had agreed to watch them for 3 lousy days and she decided that on the second day that she had a date and didnt want to cancel!! So take it from me dont give in your doing her a favor now she needs to do her part!! Good Luck
Thank you
so much for the input. Once again having input from fellow ST members really helps when trying to process a situation and verifying that the reasons/rationale for feeling or electing to do or not do something is helpful!
Best,
SAD
No Way To Win
My exhusband pulls the same stuff! Most recently my 13yo had a birthday party that fell on his weekend. He would not permit her to go if I didnt change my schedule to bring my daughter to him at 9am after the party. I had an appointment scheduled that conflicted so I told him that I could not be there at 9am.
To make a long story short...he threw a big fit and told my daughter that she couldnt go to the party at all because I wasnt being flexible! I would be nice if the "Your weekend, your problem" theory worked but unfortunatly the kids are the ones that suffer from their inability to be responsible.
The "your time, your issue"
The "your time, your issue" has definitely run into some problems for us. BM signs the kids up for activities that happen on on our time. It's not fair to the kids to tell them "no, you can't go.", but it's also not fair to us to have to jump up and conform to whatever schedule BM puts into place. Not to mention, we look like the assholes for not taking them to whatever event it happens to be. This was a huge contention between DH and I, because he wouldn't tell her to F- off and stop doing this.
Why is it so hard for BF/DH to say "No" or set boundaries
with the BM? I feel frustrated when trying to explain to my DH that I feel I come third right after the kids and BM. They are divorced she no longer carries a significant role in his life only as the kids Mom. BM has done some really horrible things to my DH and while we were dating he shared these things with me which of course helped me form opinions of her. Well, now she is intrusive as she is boyfriendless, and calls for non-emergiencies and things she could ask the kids. In my mind she tries to think of excuses to call him and talk instead of communicating by e-mail. When we were dating he said he would only correspond with her via e-mail as he didn't trust her. Now, we are married and things have changed regarding their communication and if I say anything about her then he either defends her or says, "I feel like I am caught in the middle". I have said the only reason you are caught in the middle is that you have chosen that position. If he actually put our marriage first and obviously balancing this with the kids we would have no arguements. It is just amazing to me that this happens with BF/DH. I have read so many people stating the same scenario over and over about this issue. I wish someone would throw out a suggestion of "How to make the BF/DH to see the light"!!!!!!!
Same old controlling BS and the kids as piggy inthe middle
Oh god I hate BM's and their BS!
You can't do right for doing wrong. She is out of order and should have been more considerate (now there's a concept!)
Just tell her, sorry but you have made arrangements based upon what she said previously so she is gonna have to find another way around HER problem.
Don't feel bad they (BM's) are a giant pain in the ass with swapping and contact. ALWAYS! Unless it is all in their favour they are not interested!
you're right and thank you
for your advice. It's amazing to me the stories I read on ST and how many BMs are like that. It makes me feel bad to say know and the kids are in the middle but if we don't set boundaries she would totally control our lives. I know it was hard for my DH to let her know she needed to make other arrangments (he e-mailed her after I originally posted this). She came back with, "O.K. don't worry about it, I'll find another option." Duh, should have been her original decision.
Anyway, thank you for the support!
Give a mile, they want the inch too!
So, if I'm understanding this right, BM wanted to go on vaca and asked you guys to take over for a week of her time. In exchange you guys asked her to keep the kids this Thurs - Sunday and BM STILL wanted you to take them Saturday night?
It's like they will try and try and try to test the boundaries. BM saw that you and DH were being compliant with her whims so she thought she'd see how much she could get away with. I'm glad he had the chutzpah to call her on it and ask her to make other arrangements.
Hope you enjoy you're weekend that BM was thwarted in her attempt at screwing up!
You are correct!
She wanted us to take them for the week she is going on vacation and in exchange she was to keep them Thursday through Sunday and wanted us to keep them Saturday night returning them to her Sunday morning. Make sense?
We did enjoy our weekend. I am so glad that he had the chutzpah, too! I never realized how much she was testing the boundaries until this. She is a piece of work. It's funny how just when you think you figured her out she trys something else I would never anticipate.
Anyway, hopefully this will make her think twice about asking something like this of us again.
Thank you for your support!