Taking the "High Road"
O.K. being new to this site you all are full of experience and insight....My DH and I met with his attorney to see as we were newly married how we should handle things with the BM, Skids, bank accounts, and taxes. His attorney stated you should always take the "High Road".
As a new parent I am not always taking the high road and I need to know how to deal with it. I resent the BM and the fact that my DH had a realtionship and kids with her when he did not love her. He provided a wonderful life and house for them and it didn't work out.
I feel since I moved to his hometown and into his house and took on the ex-wife, skids, I would get some sort of pat on the back from him and in all actuality if I do not react in every situation without emotion and just as he thinks I should I am the one at fault.
Now, I know after reading the above you think I am whining. Well I am sort of but, past that, I really need some good advice. I have heard people say...take a step back before taking one forward and stepping in something...where did that come from? What is everyone's advice to a new step mom and wife that has to deal with the baggage and is insecure and totally underestimated how hard it would be. I love my DH he is the best thing that has happened to me and we were planning on having a family. I don't want to destory this with my insecurities. HELP!!!
Question
How was the relationship with DH, BM and Skids before you married? From reading your posts it sounds almost as if you had no relationship with them and now that they are a part of your life you are trying to make it work to no avail. I totally understand rensenting the BM, but it is wasted energy. Focus on your marriage and relationship with Skids. BM will be involved to a point because she is the skids mother, but she should not have say in your marriage, your home, your disciplining or what have you that takes place at your home. She will try. Things will be crazy, in fact, there will probably be more crazy than good days, but you have to stand your ground and let them know that you are there and hope to be a wonderful addition to the skids lives but you will not be a doormat for anyone. I would say ease your way into it. Don't go in all Queen of Sheba and Ruler of the Universe. That is one sure fire way to make EVERYONE hate you. I would not go in all nicety nice either because then they will try to run all over you. It is for you to find balance and figure out what issues are important to stand your ground on. In my experience RESPECT is first on my list. I also am a stickler for us operating as a family unit. It was hard in the beginning, but it somehow came together. THere were many days where I felt what you are now feeling. I felt alone and on the outside. Find out what the skids are interested in and like. From there plan little outings that fit those interests. You do not always need to schedule stuff outside of the home either. There are fun little activities that you can do at home that gets the kids involved that most kids love.
We do pizza nights unlike most. On pizza night we make homemade pizzas since everyone in my house likes something different. We buy the small pre-made crusts and buy all of the ingredients. THe kids LOVE this one. We've been doing this since they were little and it is still a big hit. We also do taco night (not often, but we do). First it is a much healthier option that Taco Bell and second the kids enjoy adding the things they like and leaving out that which they don't. We do game night. Sorry, Chutes and Ladders, Jenga you name it. My kids love when we just hang out and do quality stuff together. Movie night is also a plus. In my home everyone has televisions in their room. So we sometimes stop by the local video store and grab something and watch it together as a family. All little things that cost next to nothing, but rewards you with fun quality family time. We also bake and decorate treats on OCCASION. I don't like too many sweets in the house. But sometimes we buy the premade cookies and the kids bake and decorate them with sprinkles and candy. My kids are 12 and 13 and this is still a fave.
Ignore DH. If you always sit and wait for him to take charge you may never do anything. I understand not wanting to always be in charge and being knocked for your ideas. Plan it and go with it and if DH has any sense he will shut up and join in on the fun or suffer through.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
Great advice
Thank you. I need to not worry about the "Book of etiquette" that does not exist. I need this.
Again, thanks I will try it. any advice on how not to let the BM get under your skin? My DH told me from the day we started dating that she was manipulative. Now, if I think that and bring it up he does not agree with me. Is it better to only say nice things?
BMs are all
the same and different if it makes any sense. You have to figure out where yours fall and again find your balance. Let her know that you are not trying to take her place, but that you ARE a part of the kids lives and would like this to be a positive thing. If your BM is anything like the majority of BMs that we deal with here on ST she will not be open to or accepting of this. That's ok. YOU tried. YOU offered. The biggest problem I see with most BMs mine included is that they want to be in CONTROL of any and all things pertaining to the kids. THey do not wish to give the fathers credit that they will make sound decisions for the children and not put them in harms way. More than anything I "think" that many of them resent us because they would rather be the family unit and it wasn't supposed to end up with another woman being in that role. Good luck and keep us posted.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P