What to do with a 19 year old step son
Hello,
This is my first post, I've read lots of posts and wanted to share my story for other to evaluate and suggest.
My wife and I have been married since 12/07. Her son lives with us and he just turned 19 in Feb of '09. He has dropped out of school and is not working nor is he working to get his GED. He claims that he doesn't have a way to get to class. He also has a history of substance abuse and agression towards his mother, police have been out to our house many times when he was a minor. My wife and I also have a four year old and he has seen his big brother go into one of his anger rages.....
He does not bring dishes up out of his room (the basement is his), he leaves clothes everywhere, not to mention his hygene isn't the best for a few reasons......
His mom doesn't know what to do. She loves her son and can't kick him out. She gets angry at me when I say anything about him not making something of himself. Just tonight she told me that I can't make any suggestions because I don't know all the stuff they went through in the past.
It's coming down to either she has me in her life or her son. I have lost all respect for this "child", need to see some action on his behalf before the respect returns.
I am sure there is more and I have left something out, might add to this post later if it comes to mine.
Thanks for listening.
Mike
The 19 Year Old: Move out next month
Your wife needs to see the "Light". I feel sorry for you putting up with her being blinded and defensive of the truth. When I got married 6 months ago, my husband had a 19-yr-old and one of my kids had to sleep on the couch. So I asked my husband and he did move out. He is stumbling out on his own but nonetheless learning to be responsible for himself.
You are living in bondage. Have other friends/counsellors try and reach her if you can't. I know what it's like with a spouse listening to the truth about their children. They are blinded and protective and pamper.
It's "tough love" time- I totally agree
Your wife is CLEARLY making excuses and enabling her son...
"She loves her son and can't kick him out. She gets angry at me when I say anything about him not making something of himself. Just tonight she told me that I can't make any suggestions because I don't know all the stuff they went through in the past"
It's all there in black and white. And if she doesn't stop, IT won't stop, and before you know it, you'll have a 30-yr-old man-child living in your basement. With no job, no ambition, and his mommy STILL making those same excuses for him.
Life is hard. It's how you overcome the past and pull yourself up from the hard times that makes you a stronger, better person. She is doing him no favors by this enabling behavior.
Listen to dorthypw.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
read my blogs
we dealt with this issue only it was my FSS.
enabling him will only make him a 50 y/o stay at home son.
life sucks but so does laziness and disrespect.
btw my youngest bioson is 19 stb 20, he lives at home but pays rent AND does chores.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Tough Love....
your wife is an enabler of your SS behavior and she is doing him no favors! Yes, be sorry for the past they have been through but do not continue to make excuses for him the rest of his life. God forbid something happen to you and mom then what would SS 19 do....live on the streets maybe as he has no skills, desire, education, gumption, the list goes on. Serious talk with BM is in order about making excuses for him and enabling him. What if he gets in a rage an hurts your 4yr old!
I agree
This story sounds like home to me. I recently told my husband that if his son continues to stand on his dad's feet, he will never stand on his own two feet. He is 20 and his dad says he will probably be with us until he is 40. If he continues to bail him out, pay his bills and coddle him due to the problems and chaos of the past....that is exactly what will happen. Ironically, he lives in our basement just like yours. Sometimes I want to nail boards over the door to the basement steps. I feel horrible, but I have no respect for the son and wonder if I even love him anymore. My husband is adamant that he will continue to help him and that through prayer the boy will change. I have faith in God, but I think we are just prolonging God moving by enabling him to continue as he is.
Thank you
All of the above comments are exactly what I believe, I just hate finding myself stuck in this. Atleast I know I am not that crazy (none of you know me yet so that might change over time, KIDDING)
I'm sorry that I re-hashed another "dead horse" topic, hope none of you mind.
The SS biological dad did have him for a month last year, but he came running back home because "it was too tough living with dad". Of course he came back here, it's easy here.
While I am on this topic, if I find drug parapanalia (sp?) in my house am I as the homeowner somewhat responsible?
GRRRRRR
oh yes
if it is in your home you are responsible and could be prosecuted.
That was my fear when FSS was living with us.
Plus if he was at my house drinking and his friends were with him drinking (even without my knowledge) if something happened to the boys..i would be held accountable.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
You're not my stepfather are you? ;)
My mom is dealing with this same problem. The problem with a lazy 19 year old is that he becomes a lazy 31 year old (my brother). From a mother's point of view... My mother absolutely knows that she's enabling him. Her argument is that if she kicks him out that 1) he'll never get on his own two feet and 2) how can she eat dinner every night knowing that he may be hungry, sleep in a comfy warm bed knowing he's on the street? As a mother I totally get that. As his sister, I say maybe sleeping under a bridge for a few nights and eating a few meals out of a dumpster is exactly what he needs. That's easy for a sister to say and HARD for a mother to follow-through on. I told my mom a couple years ago that she was not to complain to me again about him. She knows how I feel about it, she knows what she needs to do about it. If she makes the CHOICE to continue enabling him, then she can live with the consequences... but I don't want to hear about it. That's easy for me, I don't live with her! That probably wouldn't work for you.
Find drug paraphalia? Call the police. At least in jail you know he's warm and fed. He most likely wouldn't go to jail, but that's a prime opportunity to give him some options, some consequences, and FOLLOW-THROUGH! If you've already called the police on him, maybe he'll decide you're not bluffing. If your wife is anything like my mother, she's made every threat in the book and didn't follow through on it. If a 2 year old can pick up on it, you'd better believe a 19 year old knows mommy won't kick him out.
I can't really offer you any advice, because your wife most likely won't agree to any of the suggestions that would really work. I offered to "take over" this problem for my mom. My brother would know I was serious and then mom wouldn't have to feel guilty that she threw him out, because it would be me doing the dirty work. Would your wife consider something like that?
If you figure out a great solution, please let me know!
Choices
Thats what I thought, but BM again said that she can't kick him out for that. SS deny's everything, nothing we hear him say is what he means, etc..etc. It's rather funny actually watching him use a lie to cover a lie to cover a lie.......
I've told BM one of there things will happen, be killed in a drug deal gone bad, be in jail for life, or be a model citizen. Maybe I am way off base but I think I am right.....
Sounding more and more like home....
I have found the drug paraphanelia as well as the drugs.....yes, you as the homeowner are responsible. I checked into it. My SS had huge parties at my husband's house before we were married. Broken furniture, house was a mess, puke on the wall. He was in and out of jail for the entire three years that his dad and I dated. He was with us for a couple of months on house arrest until a spot opened up at work release and he is there now. I will do everything in my power to keep him from returning. He will be 21 by then and able to buy alcohol. I can't imagine what it will escalate into. I think he needs to get his own place, pay his own bills, puke on his own walls and break his own furniture. Actually, I hope he gets his own place, grows up and becomes successful.
But I am so stuck, or am I...
Can I go behind my wife's back??? At what point do I take things into my own hands or can I even do that? This is my second marrage and REALLY want it to work......
I feel for you. You need to
I feel for you. You need to protect yourself - and your wife. She is blinded by her son. She cannot be objective right now. She will be mad at you - but those feelings of "anger" will be more connected to fear. I think deep down she knows that something drastic needs to be done - but it's so much easier to sweep things under the carpet than deal with the massive amount of dirt.
What are you thinking of doing when you say "go behind my wife's back" ??
Do y'all have limitations...
That are age appropriate for the younger child? Them why would standards be any different? What are age appropriate chores/expectations for this grown child?
If wife is not willing to listen and really hear your concerns...then maybe your fighting a battle that can't be won. Just something to think about. Oh yes...I would searching all his belongings for drugs. Because if he just occupied space and doesn't earn it, he has no right to privacy in my opinion.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Progress
One reason the SS hasn't gone to GED classes is that he said he had no way of getting there. SO I took the time about a week ago to find a brouchure of our county bus system along with telephone numbers, etc. and just quietly hung it up on our corkboard in the kitchen. He has known about that bus for months now, but convinced BM he didn't have a way there.
Yesterday BM told SS that "you'd better do the GED or out the door you go". YIPPIE! And what did I see on the table? the brochure. I was happy to hear and see that. I overheard him say "why are you being so mean to me", that was funny.
And then last night they got into another argument where he claimed he was trying................... been playing lots of basketball lately. Once again, I don't want to sound bitter, etc. I just want him to make something of himself....
I'd be pushing him out the
I'd be pushing him out the door in any way I could.
For one:
give him many household responsibilities, in the form of chores
and linmit his phone, tv watching and cut off all money.
Cut off the heat or air conditioning at the breaker
when you leave, stop cooking for him except white bread and peanut butter with water...
Lock all the doors to every room in the house to limit his acess to everything. Have him do his laundry at the laundromat.
Leave phamplets for the service/ military around. Make it as unpleassent and awful as you can for him while he is there to motivate him to find somewhere else to be and something to do.
Make his life there unbearable so he will decide its better out there in the world and to take his chances and do something.