Wit's End
I will try to be brief with the background, and I would appreciate your feedback whether you agree with me or not.
This time last year my step-son was a great 13-year-old kid who enjoyed my company and enjoyed time with our part of the family. My wife has primary custody so my step-son and step-daughter live with us and visit their dad every other weekend, and we split holidays. Wife's ex-husband is remarried and his wife has an older, now married 19-year-old son and daughter who is my step-son's age. We have had some ups and downs, some legal issues, but we were in a pretty good spot.
After serious consideration we decided to let my SS live with his dad for last summer. Started out great then went completely to hell. Our house was discussed ina very negative light, my son became a new person and we no longer have the relationship we had. He is very angry with his mother, who did not let him live permaanently with his dad for the school, and in fact my SS took us to court via his father. Needless to say we believe the other house is a very negative environment yet we want to balance that with the need for the kids to have a relationship with their father.
Since school started in the fall it has been a pretty rough go. I have almost no true interaction with my SS, with whom I was very close, and he mostly keeps to himself. We did just have an incident where CPS was called to the kids' school, we were interviewed by a CPS agent and we were not found "guilty" of anything. According to what we understand from my SS he initiated the CPS conversation, again with assistance from his father, because he is mad at his mom for not letting him live with his dad. We are six months removed from the beginning of this trauma and I am at my wit's end.
My wife and I have discussed going back to court to reduce visitation for the father, if not supervised visitation which I am willing to cover, and get the other household to face some consequences since they have gone against the advice of every professional--police, therapist, courts--and continue to be a negative environmental influence.
Lately, though, I am more inclined to say "you win" and send my SS to his dad's so he can get a real dose of what it's like there and the environment that exists. He doesn't seem to think much of leaving his friends, teachers or girlfriend behind (dad lives in another city with another school district). I stop short of saying it in depth to my wife becuase I know she would be mad and hurt. At this point I am just looking to bring some peace and stability to our house.
Your thoughts are welcome. Thank you.
Counseling?
Have you guys tried family counseling? I think some of it is normal teen stuff, and the grass is greener, but it sounds like this young man is resentful of the situation and you guys need to reestablish some communication....
I think if you don't at least try, down the road he will ask, why did you let me go and not try? He is still a kid, and needs to see you both make an effort, and if all else fails, and he still wants to live with his father, perhaps that is the best option. Plus if you don't take the steps now, and he gets the healthy dose of that environment that you're speaking of, what then? He'll come back, until he gets mad about something else at your house, then back to dad, no one can live like that...
Good luck to you and your family!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I agree
I have 2 teenage sons, Bio and SS, grass is always greener, my bio son seems to think that his father walks on water, even though he only sees him 2 a month.
These kids have alot on their plate, its so different from how we grew up. I think counseling is the best thing also, let him talk to someone that is indifferent to the situation. Maybe they can guide him.
My SS's mother is always filling his head with garbage and our relationship has changed, it hurts.
Good luck
I agree with you
Maybe it IS time to let him go stay with dad for a while and, as you so well stated, get a dose of what he's REALLY like. Your SS may be at the point in his life where he would like to "bond" with his Biodad, and maybe it's time to just let him go.
He is hardly a "little child" anymore....in a few years he'll be an ADULT and will decide for himself anyway.
Hang in there. Teen years are ALWAYS difficult, and it sounds as if yours are pretty hectic right now.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Thanks for the replies! We
Thanks for the replies!
We are in some counseling right now. In fact my SS and SD had the same therapist for awhile, to help them deal with some of the issues they were havign years ago, but that relationship was destroyed by the BF and SM last summer, so we started afresh with someone else. My wife and I as well as my SD and SS sat in on a session and that was interesting. SS also had a session with his BM and BF and that was also interesting.
I believe the person who most needs to be accountable is his SM. She is bitter and venegful about this that happened a few years ago and she's foisted those on my SS. That is the real family therapy session that needs to take place, and call it placing blame or whatever but that is what she needs to hear.
My SS is 14 and is at a critical point in his life. My brother went to live with our dad for two years when we were in high school. Their relationship now? Nothing--and it has been that way for almost 20 years.
I agree that it is alot of normal teen stuff we have right now, but the ugly icing on the cake is everything else.
Don't Let Him Go
I have a 13 year old biological daughter whose father has EOW visitation and also lives in a different city than us. My ex remarried two years ago and his new wife hates me! She bad mouths me everytime my daughter goes to her dads and has bad mouthed me to my face on several occasions. Since my exes remarraige my daughter has asked to live with her dad on several occasions. I FIRMLY beleive that the SM is encouraging my daughter to come and live with them to stop child support and reduce my interaction with my ex. My daughter, being a teenager, thinks that life with dad would be grand...there is so much to do in the big city! They have so much fun and so little structure when she is there! I have heard it all.
I also have taken my daughter to counseling but found only short term relief. BF and SM need to take responsibility for encouraging the child to stay where he/she is best off in order for the nonsense to stop. My ex is unwilling to do that as I am sure yours is. This will get better. My daughter acted similarly to your SS when I squashed the idea of her moving with Dad but its getting better. I tried so hard for so long not to have to tell my daughter the reasons why her dad was not capable of raising her but there comes a point when honesty is the only thing that is going make a child realize how they could be harming themselves. I didnt bad mouth her dad but I did point out the realities and I think, as much as she didnt want to admit it, she knew what I was saying.
My daughter and I now take a night out every couple of weeks where we can talk about things and share common intrests. Your SS needs a male influence in his life, even more so in his teenage years. It is possible that is what he is looking for from his Dad. Dont give up on him...search for something between the two of you that fills that void.
Thanks, Crystal. It's sad
Thanks, Crystal. It's sad to think about how the other household detsroyed my relationship with my SS. Just a year ago things were so good and now...well, I'll just keep plugging away.