New here and interested in opinions
Hi all, my DH and I have been together nearly 10 years. His ex and kids (now 15-SD and 12-SS, living with their BM) still to this very day blame me and hate me (thanks to their mother encouraging this). I've tried and tried to establish a relationship with those kids (well, for the first 5 - 6 years anyway!). I can't remember the last time I was thanked for a b/day or xmas gift, they won't come to visit us anymore, they refuse to have anything to do with me and will only speak if spoken to which I've given up doing and have caused many hurtful moments in the past like asking why I had to go out to dinner with them on MY birthday!!! Aside from the fact it isn't pleasant being disliked for so long with no reason bar the fact their father chooses to live with me and not their mother, I can probably live with the situation. However, I'm really interested to know what will happen in the future when the 21st's, weddings etc roll around. I already know I won't be invited but where does that leave my DH? Does he go and accept the fact they don't and won't respect me after 10+ years, does he create a scene then and not go on my behalf? I asked him what he plans on doing and he said he didn't know. I feel it really has to be sorted out now so there isn't a huge scene at someones wedding!! There must be others who have lived through this already and I'm keen to hear what the outcomes have been. Maybe others are just happy they haven't been invited!!:D
Nice!
I am so sorry you have to live like this for so long. You seem to have a healthy perspective and 'consider the source' of your detractors.
If I were you, I would say that he could go to their wedding or whatever. But if I were him, I would not go - as that would be disrespectful to you and your role in his life.
Hopefully your DH is strong enough to follow through with this. I know it is a tough decision, but you must let it be HIS decision.
If you do go, tell him, to stay with you at all times! and be ready to leave at any point! Its really not worth it, to me anyway. I am already resigned to not having the 'joy' of attending my SD's wedding, but I do hope she has one some day!
And I am sure it goes without saying, that if DH or his wife is not welcome, they are also excused from paying anything towards the cost of this event, right? Right!!!!!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
IMO, if you-you being your DH and yourself, of course
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
participate financially, then they had best get down off their high horse and include you. Your DH should make it clear to them that his money is YOUR money, his financial support is YOUR financial support, and IF they want YOUR financial support, you will ge included, and I mean graciously.
In the unlikely event YOUR financial support is not requested, I still feel that if he goes, you go. You are one-husband and wife. And they should not be allowed to divide that.
The only problem that I could foresee if he refused to go, because you weren't invited, would be resentment. Not intentional-and not theirs. Who cares if they feel resentment at this point?
BUT will he eventually resent you if he was to say, miss his childs wedding? Possibly. And not intentionally.
I know that when I was trying to stay for the sake of my children, in my first marriage, the psychiatrist warned me that the likelyhood that I would come to resent my sons because of the decision was very very real. I did not stay, but the very idea, that I could come to eventually resent my own boys, who I love more than life itself, would never have occurred to me.
You never know...
Those kids are still young and definitely at an age where they aren't seeing things clearly yet...I wouldn't give up hope for the future. I know a lot of friends who's parents divorced when we were young and they were very sad/angry about it, but now, as adults, they can look back and see that it was better they divorced rather than stay together unhappily. I think you should just keep plugging along doing what you can to be nice to them and try to ignore their negativity (I realize this is easier said than done). It doesn't sound like you had anything to do with the break up of their parents and maybe one day they (or at least one of them) will see that and realize that they have no reason to hate you.
Has your husband tried to sit them down and rationally explain to them why he and their mother broke up and that it has nothing to do with you and explain that their mom has bad feelings toward you but that they don't have to follow suit? I would assume he has but maybe they need a reminder.
I also think that it's unacceptable that they are outright rude to you (not saying thank you, etc...) I think your husband needs to put a stop to that immediately! It sounds like he's letting them get away with very inappropriate behavior. Maybe they are struggling with your role as their stepmom, but you are AT LEAST an adult - and they need to show you some respect!
Maybe..
I haven't given up total hope for them yet but 10 years of ill feelings is a lot to live with and I'd have to work pretty hard on my own festering feelings to forgive them (even though I accept it was never really them but rather their mothers influence), all those hurtful comments are hard to let go of.
Once he sat them down and explained the situation but I think BM immediately reversed all his good work as soon as they got home and we were straight back to square 1!
I believe just because I'm an adult and especially because I'm the person he chooses to be with then common courtesy is a must. Lot harder to extract it out of them though
Tricky resentment
Thanks for the comments and I agree. Its only come up now because I'm tired of OUR money pouring into kids that hate me. We have always paid financial support and always would, but the b/day, xmas presents and money for outings sometimes I resent. I would object strongly to helping pay for events that I am excluded from, however DH's decision to go or not go will be totally his. I think thats the only way to ease that particular resentment, to reiterate again and again that this is YOUR (DH's) decision, not mine.
But boy would I burn with hate (that I'd have to try and hide) if I wasn't invited and he went anyway!!!
Maybe in the years between then and now things will change...hmmmmm!! Not feeling too hopeful!
that's tough
Yeah, 10 yrs is a long time...I understand the money thing too. I don't like sending ANYTHING that we pay for over to the bm's house because I'm afraid we won't see it again. I'm not sure there's much you can do, unfortunately...it's up to your DH to make changes. I think you should make sure he KEEPS reminding them how special you are to him and how you care about them and whenever they are ready to let you in you will be here. Eventually they may soften to you. I'm sorry that the kids are so awful to you, and the bm too. Focus on your relationship with your husband and make sure you let him know how you feel about things, holding it in doesn't do any good.
Asking the impossible
I have always wished the BM would find a new relationship and get over it! I am hopeful that in many years to come when they're adults we might be able to talk a bit more openly and I might even be able to share a bit about how things have been for me. I don't hold my breath tho, might never happen.
Sometimes I get confused about what respect 'looks like'. If he tells them to speak to me or thank me they will but its very obviously a duty thing and its never happened naturally or from the heart, so I think, what more can he do? And the answer is nothing really so maybe I should be contenting myself with the forced duty talk!
I would just go and let them deal with it.
Steamer,
First, welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and get support when you need it.
As I said above, I would go to all of the birthday, graduation and weddings invited or not. You are their father's wife and you have been a part of his life for a long time. Be there for him and screw them! (figuratively of course). If they choose to take exception to your presence, touch crap.
I would not wait for an invite. I would tell your husband that you will be there with him PERIOD! He can prepare to either address the potential fire works or ignore them. But he will know that you are are a team all of the time and his kids will just have to deal with it.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Ha ha
I like this....not sure I could live with the guilt of wrecking their special day though...I must be too soft which is what has landed me in this pickle of being disrespected in the first place!
I understand but have to ask .....
Why would you feel guilty about being there to support your husband? You have nothing to feel guilty about.
If your Skids choose to have an issue with it, that is their choice. Let them live with it.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
I suppose
because it seems like a confrontational thing to do and someones special day not the place to do it. I think thats why I'm trying to seek resolution now before the b/day, graduation, wedding, funeral gets here. Maybe with DH demanding some respect on my behalf and pointing out in a firm way that this is the way it is then maybe when we reach one of those days they'll know well and truly how he / we feel about it, we're a team and too bad. Now... just need DH to stand up to them and them to listen and understand!!
It is only confrontational if they make it so.
Go, be pleasant and supportive. I do not believe that to be confrontational.
I have the other end of the spectrum to deal with. If my SS's BioDad actually showed up and participated in anything my jaw would hit the floor. :jawdrop:
That said I have thought about how I would react if they (BioDad or the SpermDonialGrandParents) show up for high school graduation, college graduation or a wedding. I would hope that I would have the sack to have them thrown out for intruding on my SS's family celebration since they have been anything but family IMHO.
But, I would not do that to my SS or to my parents. I would graciously allow them to participate and would pick up their check for dinner. Since that is the only way they would have enough money to drive their worthless asses back home and far away from my SS and his REAL family.
Sorry for the vent but this type of thing cranks me up a bit.
I still think you should go and be there for your husband. All while being the classy and caring Lady that you obviously are.
Screw the Skids!
Best regards,
Welcome...
Unfortunately for years it sounds like you both have let disrespect slide, but the good news is, you can put a stop to it now. Or rather, your DH can. Neither of you should tolerate this level of disrespect from these children. You are both adults, and children do not have the right to treat you this way. The birthday thing for example, it was a PRIVILEGE for these children to be invited, and the SECOND that nasty comment was out of their mouths, they should have been uninvited and told that until they learn how to be gracious, they would not be invited again.
It's by letting the small things like this slide that you end up where you are now, seeing down the road a bit further to a huge blow up over a major social event. You are very wise to think about this now rather than waiting for that special day!!!!
Someone on here has the signature something to the effect of "you don't have to love me but you will respect me" That's totally applicable in your situation. So the polite behavior is forced? So what? If it's forced long enough it becomes habit and routine, don't let it slide, and don't ever let your own hurt feelings that it had to come about this way show.
It will get better, if your husband will stand up to them for you, and be consistent with the insisting on respect.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I agree
totally! We have both let things slide. Him because he is guilt parenting and me because it just seemed easier. But we had a big talk last night and I said things have to change which DH agreed with so 2009 is the year of change! Respect WILL happen this year or there will be consequences and we've decided to start drumming in to them now that we are a team, so if one isn't invited or welcome anywhere we will assume neither of us are so they should think carefully in the future about invitations!
Shall see what happens....I'm expecting tantrums but thats nothing I can't handle!
Wow, I just have to ask...
Why are you worrying about this NOW???
I mean, no disrespect to you, but the kids are only 15 and 12.
That's 6 LOOOOONG years until the oldest turns 21!
SO much can happen in six years! Why should you stress yourself out about this now? By the time it actually comes around, you'll be an absolute WRECK!!!
You and your DH seem happy and content. Has your DH come to accept the situation (as sad as it is)for him not to see his kids now? Or does he somehow blame you, too?
If he does indeed accept the situation, then my advice would be to just live your lives as happy as you can. The future will eventually work itself out and if you and your DH stand together as a UNITED FRONT, then nothing will ever go wrong.
You have already been together for ten years- that says a lot. Think of how much you have been through in those ten years. Think about how much more you'll go through in six more. And don't worry about it until then!
JMHO
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
you stole my comment, 5teensathome!
I was skimming through all the other comments on how to handle the situation, which all sound like good solutions by the way, and thought, wait a second! The kids are kind of young to be worrying that far ahead. I would enjoy things as they are & take it when the time comes. A lot can happen in the meantime. I myself didn't get married until I was almost 29. I have brothers, cousins & friends that are well into their 20's (some 30 or approaching), who aren't even looking to get married. So, worry about something else...that whole global warming thing or disco making a comeback or something!