Help! I think I showed my hand too soon.
Well you haven't heard from me in a few weeks because the holiday season was bliss, because SD8 went to see her mom for the holidays. Yeah! So, now she is back, and I had a good outlook on life and was actually pretty cool for the first week, up until this weekend when the sh$t hit the fan. I guess I only have a week tolerance.
SD8 bascially all of a sudden had a breakdown and sat and told her dad how much I'm preventing her from playing with her half sister now 7 months. She also preceded in telling him that I was mean, and she didn't know how to talk to me.
Anyone knows that the door is always open when it comes to me. Now if you use it, is up to you.
Bascially after DH got upset and asked me and her to come in the room today and duke it out. After she stated her case, I basically told her what the problem actually was: she is constantly sick, and I won't allow her to be touching a baby when she is always sick, also she never wants to do her homework in time to have freetime, so that means, no other playtime, and also that I'm my daughters provider and will alwasy be there watching, you will never have unsupervised time.
Thinking that that would be enough for her to BACK OFF, she pushed me...so then I told her. In kinder words that "you lie, you cheat, you steal, you do not do your chores, and you are not being a great example for your sister - quite frankly, I'm not so happy with having her hang with you because of the fact that you are not trying hard to be a good person, you have a lot to work on".
With that said. Did I say to much. I was emotional, and I never want to give out to much for her to run to BM with for ammo. But I was tired of it and I showed her my cards. I really feel that her all of a sudden attachment to her half sister is a coverup for what the issue really is - her living with her mom. She just needs a scapegoat for the feelings that she is really having. I never ever tell her she can't talk to my daughter or to me, but she chooses to. Everytime we tell her to call her mom, she chooses not to - so there is a lot here - - not just her playing with a 7 mo old. Geez...
To my suprise or lack there of, after that she said she wanted to go live with her mom, and that her mom said that every little girl needs to live with their mom.
So, tell me - what are your thoughts.
I wish, but no
In reality, our home is the best place for her. With that said, we are and will go through drama because she resents being in our home. If her mom were stable, had a stable job, made sure she got to school, provided for her - my DH said it would be no issue, he would consider her being with her mom. However, we got full custody of her in 07 based on the dysfunctional ways of her mom. Her reasonings by the way where -
"I can take the city bus whereever we go" our thought yeah that is because your mom doesn't have a CAR
"I can stay up until 3am watching Spongebob" our thought yeah that is because you only spend 1 day with your mom at a time and for that one day the sky is the limit.
"I can sleep anywhere I want" that is because your mom doesn't even love you to make a place for you in her home
And the story continues. Basically I'm in it for the long run...as much as I wish I could just farm her off somewhere to be raised - I love her dad and her too much to let her just go and be a hott mess knowing that I could have helped to prevent it. If I have to get smacked up along the way - I guess I drum it up to parenting.
You're exactly right
You are the convenient scapegoat. And you always will be.
No matter what you do or say, you will not win in this situation- your SD has already figured out that you are the "big, bad guy".
This happened with me over the summer. Nothing I could do or say/ not do or not say, was ever good enough for SD16. I was always the scapegoat for all her problems. Never mind that she has a crazy BM and emotional problems of her own a MILE LONG, but I was the ONLY reason her life was so bad.
But, like you, DH wanted me to come to her room so we could "clear the air". Fine, I did. And like you, I let it all out. EVERYTHING. I didn't curse, or scream, or raise my voice, but she DID finally know WHY I acted the way I did around her. And then she a a chance to do the same....
And she didn't say a word. Except, "I don't want to live here any more. I want to go to mom's."
But DH wouldn't let her go. But two months later, when she and DH got into a HUGE fight (I wasn't anywhere around) she demanded that she wanted out. She made nasty comments about DH, me, and us as a couple. DH let her go this time...
She was back in less than 3 days.
And I haven't spoken to her since. As far as I'm concerned, there's only "4 teens at home" because she's invisible to me.
Her father HAS to deal with her. I'm totally done.
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So my only concern about all of this is how your DH sees YOU. Does he blame you like SD does? Or does he see the situation in all it's ugly reality? Because that makes all the differecne here for you.
Because if he's blaming you as well...it's going to be one bumpy ride for you to carry all that guilt he's going to heap on you for driving his "Precious Princess" away! (Boo Hoo- note the sarcasm).
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Damn...
Wow, I can't believe how similar our situations are - down to the "I want to go and live with my mom"...I can't believe it!
As far as how my DH sees it. He gets really tired of the BS that she always uses about my daughter and me. He also is fustrated with the tension between her and I. When I'm gone, SD8 chat him up and talk to him about anything and as soon as I walk in the door she stops. Same with BD7mo. If SD8 is with my DH and he has BD7mo, she plays with her etc, but as soon as I walk in, she stops. So it isn't me, it is her and her willingness to let me in her life and accept who I am. I'm just concerned that DH will just say "the heck with both of you". He's on my side now and realizes that SD8 is just scapegoating and finding blame with everything else but her mom and her situation, but who knows how that will change.
I know one thing, she can't get anything past me, and like I told her last night...I'm not going to change, what you see is what you get, I'm your stepmother, and I'll always be there - I love you, but I will tell you if you need to clean your room - so get over it.
The drama ...
In my case even my Wife got to the end of her rope with my SS.
We did not have the "I want to go live with Dad" moment but we did have the seemingly never ending honesty, laziness, mopping, disengagement issues.
After escalating levels of this for nearly his entire life, my wife finally pulled the trigger and informed him that though he had chosen to go to Military (Boarding) School that if he failed to perform in that environment that he would go to the Not So Nice Facility out in the boondocks where the sheriff would drag him back to school in handcuffs if he ran off.
A little background: SS came to us in March/April of 2008 and told us that he had decided he wanted to go to Mil. School. We were floored and very proud. We had been considering the option for him for a couple of years due to his lack of focus and school performance but my Wife had balked at making the decision to send him.
He told all of his friends that he was going to go to Boarding school for the next school year so they organized a going away party for the Friday evening after school was out on the last day. He took his yearbook to get his friends to sign it at the party. He came home from the party, handed his yearbook to us and went to his room to finish packing for our departure (the next day) to go to Hawaii a dual purpose vacation/chaperon the high school band trip. His Mom and I had already packed so we sat on the couch reading his year book. This was extremely informative for us. We learned among other things that for the entire year when we were under the impression that he had been at swimming and track practice he had in fact been running around with his more delinquent friends. When we called him on it he said "Mom, Dad I DID join the swimming and track teams". He usually plays cheap lawyer with us and argues not the complete facts but only the elements of the facts that he thinks will get him off of the hook. After nearly an entire night of ass chewing and questioning he finally admitted that yes he had joined the teams but quit going to practice because he was not very good, he was fat and he did not want the kids making fun of him. They never actually did make fun of him, he just did not want them to.
At this point his Mom gave him the "you are going to school and you are going to do well or you are going to the scary place in the woods but under no circumstances are you coming home and returning to your old high school" speech.
The good news is that he has so far stepped up and done a great job for his first semester at Military School.
We just put him on the plane yesterday AM to send him back for the second semester. This is the BIG challenge. Historically he does pretty well (comparatively speaking) for the first semester then goes in to the do barely enough to pass mode for the second semester.
As usual I am optimistic about the second semester and I do believe that he will stay focused in order to avoid the negative results of doing poorly. Military School is really good at giving the appropriate response for behavior, good and bad.
But ........ we shall see.
Best regards,
Military school, a refreshing option
I'm glad everything seems to be working out...it does seem though like his lies keep continuing, and that is sad that it would start to become a part of his truth. Thanks for the story, I'm hoping that I can keep on what I'm doing.
Interestingly he is staying dedicated to school honor code.
Groove,
I absolutely agree that he has a really bad habit of not understanding that telling people what they want to here is lying if you are not telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
He has always been one to play the lawyer by arguing only part of the facts. "I did vacuum the living room Dad, just like you asked me". This while we are standing in the entry looking a floor covered with pine needles from the Christmas tree we just threw away with one strip down the middle of the room exactly the width of the vacuum with no pine needles. (this was two years ago but is the ultimate example of my SS's need to interpret the truth from his perspective.). He was perfectly right, he did vacuum the living room but he did not do the whole job and he knew he was not being truthful.
Anyway, the school has an Honor Code. I will not lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do. Pretty simple. He is absolutely dedicated to this ........ while he is at school. Because, the consequences of not living by the code are truly unpleasant and he will to anything to avoid unpleasant consequences.
I am not convinced that he has yet realized that he has to tell the truth/whole truth when he is not on campus.
But, I am hopeful that it will sink in in the next 2-4 years at Mil School.
Best regards,
Its the best place as any to start.
Rags,
I'm sure military school will teach him pretty quick. Keep us posted.
DH is a good communicator.
He did tell me what she has told him, that she thinks I'm mean and that I scare her....but you know what? GOOD. That's because everyone else execepts her BS and I don't...so she's angry at that and is now trying to pitch a fit at her dad. I'm seeing that she is taking the low road. I'll be in the same house and as soon as I use the bathroom, she's talking to her dad about things that she'll never bring up when we are both here. So I'm going to call her out on the carpet more often. This has got to stop...I don't tolerate being discussed behind my back. If you got to say something, say it to my face, don't run to daddy. We can all three talk civilized about it. Uggh....It makes me just want to spit.