I leave the huggin and lovin to my DH, my ss knows I love him, but I find it difficult to nurture him. BM is a smother mother, thats her department and DH

But I suppose it is a little different since SS was 1 when FH and SS moved in with me and my girls. And my youngest BD was the same age. I would feel horrible if SS saw how cuddly and nurturing I am with the girls, and he was not included. I never pushed the affection on him, and it took time before he became REALLY comfortable with me. I am sure BM grew weary of telling him not to hug me... (which she used to and SS is very inquizative, and would always ask her why, "because I AM your MOMMY" only lasts so long with a kid who defends the people he loves to the end). He is a very affectionate kid and I love him very much. At age 5 now he sits in my lap as often if not MORE than my own girls do. Boys that age have a strong feelings for their mom's and I suppose in this case, I am included since he really doesn't know life any different. I would never deprive him of the attention he desires, as I would never do that to my own kids.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

She's 15, so the whole "cuddling on the couch" thing is a bit over the top, but I am affectionate with her. It broke my heart to hear that no one said they loved her, or hugged her at her moms. FH and I try very hard to give her those things here.

I also try to nurture her as a young woman. I brought her to have a make over at Macy's on Valentine's day, and I talk with her often about life, love, and her future. The last thing I want is for her to become like her mom, and she doesn't want that for herself either, so it's my job to give her the tools to make other choices...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

it often bothers me. I don't mind cooking, doing their laundry, giving them medicine, playing games with them, but as for being cuddly it just bothers me quite often. I have trust issues as well and attachment issues.

I am very close with my bio daughter and I really wish that I could be as affectionate with my SD9 but it is uncomfortable. I tried several times to tell her that I loved her but never received any reply so after three years I dont try much with that any more. My SD and I care a lot about each other, dont get me wrong, but it just isnt easy to open up to her like I do my own. I am sure that some of it is the fact that BM doesnt like me and has made that quite clear to my SD's. My SD5 and I are very close becasue I have been in her life since before she turned two. I am sure the older she gets the more she becomes like her sister because of her mothers bad mouthing.

SS is 8 and his H and I have been together since he was almost 3. I love, hug, kiss, administer medicine, repair booboos and console those crocodile tears. I could not imagine any other way. I truly love my SS. Now it was not always that way...the love part that is. I have no children of my own and I think that has helped a lot in my loving and bonding with SS. H and I both nurture when he is with us cause Lord knows he gets no nurture at his mom's just her crap nature. Now I know some kids no matter how hard you try you cannot be close to and I feel sorry for the people who have those children because there is nothing like me caring for SS and he wipes his eyes smiles and says love you StepG you are a good step mom and I tell him well I try and he says you do not have to try you just are.

So simply said a lot of factors play into the the nurturing of a child and most of time those factors are out of your control.

This whole post is good question which is stronger in a kids life from divorced parents nature or nurture.

I don't feel comfortable being affectionate with my SS - 15. I've known him since he was 6 and have never really taken on a role of being really cuddly with him throughout the time I've know him and he lives with us full time.

I am very much an affectionate mother with my 2 biological children and never let his presence stop me from being this way - I would never let it stop me being the kind of mum I love being to my own children. I would never say "I love him" - probably because he would never feel it appropriate to say it to me and I'm not sure I'd actually mean it. My husband finds this difficult to understand - he feels that I should feel the same way about his son as I do about our own children.

Apart from the necessary occassions such as funerals or offering comfort after our dog had died it's just a no go area for us.

When I first met her she was an intimacy vacuum. Not from DH so much as from me. Her own mom wasn't nurturing so she latched onto me. At first it was kind of nice b/c it wasn't at all forced on either of our part. Then I felt she was trying to hog me from DH, my own sons. I would be mid bite of a sandwich and she'd run up to kiss and hug me. No social cues (early red flag.) I also worried about it because I was afraid she'd latch onto any adult who showed her affection, and of course THAT'S not good as there will those who abuse that and seek that kind of kid out.

Now I don't hug her much, but still do sometimes, I have given her a kiss on the cheek when she did something nice or helpful without being asked. Those are rare these days, but more from her hating me than from my not wanting to. I followed her lead in the beginning, and I think in many ways I'm following it now to a great degree.

But our situation is different than many others due to all the psych issues.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I wish I could be closer to SD but it just isn't happening. She has made it clear she is uncomfortable with cuddling or even hugs (she is 13) so I quit trying. I do hug my BS all the time, tell him I love him, etc. She was 11 when my partner and I got together--maybe if she had been younger things would have been different.

My SD's are cuddly creatures. Which makes it hard to want to "disengage" from them when I am frustrated with them or BM or DH for that matter.

My SD's were 9 and 11 when I met them. They thought I was the coolest thing b/c I took them places, did crafts with them, etc. They were not used to being "spoiled" so to speak mostly because DH was so broke after paying CS. Even though they will never admit it, I think they prefer me to their BM. I'm the one that takes care of them and nurtures them. BM puts on a show when DH and I are around. For example, SD12 had a soccer game on a Saturday we didn't have her, BM was sitting there with a scowl on her face until she realized we were there, then she jumped out of her chair and started cheering for SD. It's all an act, and I think they know it. Of course she is their mother and they are attached to her, but in the long run, I will win this battle because my affection is genuine. BM tries to "one up" us all the time, but ends up failing. If we get them a cell phone, she'll get a "fancier" one, only to have it cut off a few months later b/c she stopped paying for it.

DH reassures me that they care when I'm at low points. He says they ask about me if I am not there. I think one of the best moments of being a SM was a few months ago. I went to my hometown because my grandmother was in the hospital dying. I was gone for 3 or 4 days. When I got home my SD14 came out of her room and gave me a big hug and told me she missed me. That even made me teary eyed to type, lol.

DH and I are such affectionate people, that it would be strange for me to not be that way with my SD's. I even hug and kiss them on the cheek in front of BM, I know it burns her, but I don't care!