Feeling guilty for resenting SD12
Hi there,
Am new to this site, and after having read alot of posts, I realise I really do not have much to complain about.
I am 39, have no kids of my own, my wonderful BF of 18 months and his SD12 moved in with me about 3 months ago.
SD12 is a good kid, she had to change schools and settled in really well. Her teacher described her as a breath of fresh air (I felt so proud of her!!).
Things between BF and BM are normally fairly amicable, she has not really ever given me any grief. Sometimes she will go on that she's not invloved enough, however it was her that wanted SD to come and live with her father - so as far as I'm concerned, that's her problem, not mine/ours. Although I have little contact with her, BF keeps her informed with the important stuff, school, health etc and SD and her mum have regular phone contact due to the distance.
I think my problem is that I have been used to doing my own thing for son long, now my life seems to be restricted somewhat because of SD12, (hey, I realise that's my choice).
SD was not living with her father when I met him, so, it wasn't really an issue. Things changed after about 9 months when BM wanted SD to live with him. Reading between the lines I think it was because SD and BM's new boyfriend didn't get on that well, so it was cramping her style, but that's another story.
So now, I have to do most things that her mother would do, she's the one flitting around doing what she wants without the responsibility of having a child. BF is a fantastic father, and of course is more than happy to have SD with him fulltime. SD is with her mother for the holidays, apparently she has split up from the boyfriend - I am secretly hoping SD will want to go back and live with her, oh yeah and BM will actually want her back!!
I would never tell BF because I know that would hurt him sooo much. He does say though, that a girl needs to be with her mother, so he would let her go.
I want my life back without the responsbility of having to raise someones elses' child because they can't be bothered.
I feel so selfish sometimes!!
Mave.
Hey, Mavey, welcome! And do not feel guilty-you're human!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Actually, it sounds like you're doing really really well. Going from being a single to living with not just your bf, but his d as well, is a huge adjustment...and you're used to carefree single life. No guilt allowed for resenting it a little.
Even new birth mom's often need some time adjusting to having their freedom restricted after having that first baby-and you're only 3 months into this..
Let us know how it's going for you. And if you need to let off some steam, we'll listen.
Welcome to you!
I'm with Bewitched about not feeling guilty. I, like you, do not have much to complain about at the moment either. BF and I are getting along with BM, and other than a minor hiccup last weekend, things are going smoothly.
I don't have any children either so it was quite a huge adjustment for me when BF and I moved in together 2 years ago. I went from having no kids in the house to having one or two around more than 50% of the time. It can be hard. It's an adjustment for everyone involved. The first 6 months to a year of living together were the hardest. I didn't know where my place was in a family that had been pre-established. Now that we've settled into a routine of sorts, and I've figured out where I fit in, things are much easier. It also helped that all the BM drama died down and she accepted that I was in her kid's life to stay, and of course, that I'm not demon spawn she was so desperately trying to prove that I was!
My keys to step success (that has worked so far for me) is to just be a back-up for BF. I leave all major decision-making to BM and my BF. If it's a situation that is not going to go beyond our home, then BF and I make decisions together, and he informs her of the outcome if necessary. He also backs me up if I have to enforce rules, which is another important key! But as far as major discipline or punishments being meted out, I let him be the bad guy and just help enforce (even if I would have handled it differently). Being a united front is what it's all about.
You're doing the right thing by letting your BF handle communication with BM. I have little contact with ours, and it is much easier that way; less stressful too! One of my biggest problems in the beginning was trying to be overly involved, and it caused resentments with her and with the kids. I think of my role with them as like a mentor, teacher, babysitter, or friend, and I leave the major raising of SS to my BF.
At first it was hard for me to just go out and do my own thing (and not feel bad about it) because I felt like I was leaving all the heavy lifting for BF. I had those selfish feelings as well, and I think it's perfectly normal. But once I reconciled with that, it has been soooo much easier. Ultimately, SS is his responsibility, not mine. If I want to help or if he asks me to, I will. If I don't, then I won't.
It's really easy to get into a situation where your partner can take you for granted because you've taken on a lot of the care of his child. You do it because you care, want to help, and because you love your partner. That's why I help as much as I do. Plus, he doesn't expect me to just take over and handle everything. It's easier to pitch in and help when you're giving your time because you want to. It should never get to a point to where it becomes an expectation. Just because you live there too, doesn't mean that all the care of SD should fall upon you.