New here and kicked SD18 out of the house last night
Hi all,
After 8 years of having my life (and home) ruined by my SD, I kicked her out of the house last night.
History, DH and I are custodial parents, SD is in college now, but lives at home. DH and I do not see eye to eye on SD. He thinks she is great and there are no consequences for her bad behavior/actions. I have done everything to get her to change, even disasscociating myself from the situation, all to no avail. I am at my wits end.
I returned from vacation yesterday and found my house to be a mess. I went into SD's room and bathroom and almost cried. SD apparently dyed her hair while I was gone and dark hair dye was splashed on the walls, carpet, as well as the rug and toilet seat set (which I bought). She didn't even attempt to clean it up. Her toilet, sink and shower were so filthy, I almost gagged. Next, I went into her bedroom and was immediately greeted by the stench. She had dirty clothes piled up to about 3 feet in a corner, unmade bed was piled high with crap, and dust and cowwebs are everywhere. She has taped posters on the walls and pulled chunks of dry-wall off when she rips them down. The walls are ruined and so is the carpet. In the past I have found dirty plates, silverware and glasses jammed in her dresser drawers, but I couldn't even bare to look this time.
Next, I went into the guest room. She moved a bunch of crap in boxes into that room and started sleeping in there. Before I left, that room was printine as I have my family visit often. It now looks almost as bad as her bedroom.
When she came home, I lost it. I told her this was the last time I would find her living area like this and to clean it up. She doesn't pay rent and has a shitty attitude toward everything. She shouted back that she was going to move out, and I told her that she could do so now. Things became very heated and she left, I thought for good.
DH and I had an argument. He was mad that I yelled at her and kicked her out. I told him he had a created a monster. We even talked about divorcing because of this before he retreated to the basement. I didn't see him until this am.
We haven't talked today, but SD showed up and began the cleaning process upstairs. She kept texting DH while she was cleaning. When he left the room, I read the text messages. She said that I am dead to her and the only reason she was moving back home is because of him. Unbelievable.
She is gone again, out with friends. It looks like DH is showing me who is boss and I do not know what to do. We are not talking.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This is what I would do.....
This may not be what you want to do. I am a bit quick to walk away after all the problems I have had with my SD.
I would pack all my stuff and let H know I was filing for legal separation. Ask him if he accepts this or if you need to have him served. This way he will tell you how he really feels about you. If he really loves you and wants you to stay he will say so. If he wants to live with his daughter the rest of his life and be a loser, he will tell you. At least you will know.
I bet he will want to work it out, I personally think your SD needs to get her own place. If she is in college, maybe her BM and your H can split the cost of a effiency apt near school. Or he may suggest she live with her BM???
I hope to have my SD out of our home when she turns 18. It should be easier since she lives primarly with her BM at this point. I told SD she can take all of her things (not the furniture since we have other children) to her BMs or get her own apt. But that we have other children so we just will not have room to continue to support her that way. SD seemed excited to be able to take all her things to BMs!! I hope it stays that way, but as we SMs know things change in an instant.
OMG-another infatuated father...
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
My H and I have been on the very brink of divorcing-some of it over SD17, some of it over his attitude towards me...so I sympathize.
Your DH is showing you whose boss, and it sounds like that would be SD18. The fact that you have been involved in this for 8 years says alot. Would you want to spend another 8 years like this?
My ex's psychiatrist once told me-in response to my hopes that my then H would change-the best way to judge the future is to look to the past.
I don't understand your H. But then, I don't understand mine, either. (((hugs)))
Thanks!
Thanks Bewitched. You are right, she is showing me who is boss, and DH has always let her do that.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but it sounds like we have some things in common. DH's attitude towards me within the past 6 months suck. Things are not good, and I may be on the brink of a divorce as well.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
Welcome Lynn....
We have a lot in common also. My sd now 19...at 18 about one year ago to the date...my sd thought she could also be queen of my lare....as a matter of fact we she thought she was billy bad ass and could lay her scrawny hands on me. I also kicked her out. After just a few months with her mother she managed to loose her college scholarship-flunked out. Of course nothing was her fault...but then again, nothing see is/was.
Since I kicked her out I had the locks changed, because her and her mother walked right into my house and was collecting items without me or dh home. That was the last straw and she should be very glad I didn't come home and catch her. I know that I did the right thing for me and my other two children by kicking her out...but let me be totally honest...I have regrets, and still feel some hostility. No no no will be ever live with me again - an I mean that- I out up with so much crap from her and mother for over 17 years and nope- not doing that again.
I'm so sorry that your dh isnot supporting you. He is wrong. I was fortunate that my dh finally opened his eyes to her tricks and manipulations. But even after a year he doesn't want her back here, but she now is finally showing little signs of maturing. This is a hard road and you need to get dh on your side...if he can't, I'm afraid your going to have major regrets by staying with him. I don't know a lot about you, but if i'm going to be married to a man who claims to love you---he will not put anyone above me. I just won't. My dh and I have been fussing about this...I finally just sent him a blog site I found that spells out what women want (see my post). So far it's working..little steps at a time.
Glad you found this site, I have made wonderful faithful friends here with good advice, not always what you want to hear...but nonetheless good advice...again, welcome...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
SD came home last night
First of all, thanks for all the advice! It is great to hear from others who have similar situations. I have felt so all alone.
Around 1am this morning, I heard the front door open and the beast (SD) come in. She went upstairs and was stomping around loudly. DH slept through this. Not sure if she slept here or was just getting some of her things, and not sure how she got here since I took her car away (My name is on the title).
Went through DH's text messages yesterday and saw that she said "I am dead to her" and that she will never speak to me again. Good! She did come over in the afternoon and cleaned up her mess at her dad's instance.
DH and I haven't discussed this further (we didn't talk this weekend after the blow up) but when he left early for work this am said "I love you". I know SD has tried to break up my marriage for years (DH even admitted this) and the fact that her dad has not left after this recent episode must get her goat. I'm sure she will continue her efforts.
This is not a competition between her and I. I want her out of the house, out of my life, etc. and will address this when DH comes home from work. Will keep you posted on how it goes.
Stay Strong
Hi Lynn--I lived through this situation not once, but three times with two SDs and one SS. I, too, have an H who defended the actions of his spawn to the end, and blamed me for not understanding.
You can read the particulars in my blog, but to protect my home and my sanity, I had to lay it on the line with H. It was me or them, and I meant it. When the situation becomes a power-play between you and an adult SD, the only way you can "win" is to have your H choose how he wants to live. Of course he wants both of you there and getting along (that's easiest for him), but that's not happening. If SD stays after all she's said and done to you, she "wins" in her mind, and nothing will change--in fact, things will get worse. Daddy's failure to side with his WIFE will clearly communicate that SD will be in charge of the home, and her daddy. Trust me, you don't want to live like that.
Another consideration I faced was: what's the best thing for the adult children? It was clear to me that being allowed to continue living like disrespectful pigs sucking on Daddy's wallet was not in their best interest long-term. Daddy's House was retarding their development, and that was not fair to them. The only way they could grow up was to move out on their own.
In my case, H finally realized I was serious and kicked them out. There was a difficult period while they adjusted to living in the real world. I think that period was most difficult for H, because his "babies" were not under his roof anymore and he blamed mean 'ole Sarah (me). Even though all that, I can honestly say that they are doing better now than if they had been allowed to stay and ferment in their disgusting rooms. At the very least, they now realize how good they had it at home, and how hard it is to make a living on minimum wage.
I wish you all the best. Chances are when your H realizes how dead serious you are about leaving him over this, he will choose to kick out SD. In the end it will be best for all of you.
My SD asked at dinner last night if she gets kicked out at 18
I said, "well you will still have 6 months of high school left, so not at 18, no."
SD then asked if she gets kicked out at graduation.
DH said, "Nope. But life gets a lot less cozy here. You will have a full time job, pay all your own expenses, and contribute financially through rent, food money, etc as well as keep your area clean and respect our household rules."
My sons said, "Guess we'll be living at our dad's then." I sighed. Their 19 year old Ssister and her 20 yo BF and THEIR 6 week old baby are living at their dad's along with SM's other two kids in 8th and 11th grade. Ssister and BF are not contributing financially, as a matter of fact Ssister is still on their cell phone plan. They had to get a more expensive one because she was using so many minutes/texts, which is why they went along and got my 14 yo BS a cell of his own- it was part of the package. Yay.
So my sons are being shown that you can get knocked up, lose your job (which was only 4 hours a week at a video store where Ssister's BF still works- he quit a job SM's brother got for him at a union plant because of the chemical smell bothering him after one day.) AND you get to live for free at your parents forever.
My exH is very distraught over this. Sometimes I expect to see him posting on here.
I'm distraught because of the message it's sending to our sons.
But DH and I are on the same page. My kids will never be thrown out on the street. They will however be inspired through their misery living with their parents to get a good job and a life of their own.
You should have seen SD when we said she'd have a curfew still.
SD- "Well if I have to pay rent and everything, then I don't have a curfew!"
DH- "Bad news SD. You have all those responsibilities AND still have to abide by our rules if you are living here!"
SD- "Then I'm going to live with my mom when I'm 18."
DH- "Okey dokey. We'll see how that goes." (BM can't even tolerate SD for an entire weekend AND has already told SD she will never live with her even if she wanted to because SD stating she wanted to live with us in the custody case was a "slap in the face" to BM.)
I don't think there's anything wrong with your kids remaining at home. But it doesn't have to be so cushy that they become freeloaders for life, never learning how to take care of themselves.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Wow...
Sarah 101, my hat goes off to you. Three SKIDS? I thought I had it rough with only one. I read your blog and admire your strength. It sounds like you have done all the right things.
I'll post more later but just wanted to say hi and thanks.
O
O
update
An update...just spoke with DH. Asked him what was going on with SD since I heard her upstairs last night.
He said he's been on her case about her ways, disrepect, etc. I told him that it apparently hasn't been working since she refuses to change. She blows all her money on tatoos, body piercings and God knows what else, and sponges off of us. In return, we get a destroyed house and attitude for her unhappiness.
He listened and said he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I told him I wanted this year to focus on us since all of the focus during our marriage has been on SD. He agreed. He said she has no place to go and asked if she can stay here for 30 days until she finds an apt.
Anyways, that's where we are now. Will keep you posted. I'm not buckling. I want her gone.
Get a date certain
When my H asked for 30 days because SD didn't have anywhere to go, I made him give me a date certain when SD would be out. I knew that a hazy "30 days" would expand into more unless there was a DATE. Then I started counting the days.
SD was a complete bitch the whole time, but knowing that she was out on a specific day made it so much easier to take.
good idea - sorry if this is a double post
Thanks for the advice Sarah. I'll get a specific date. I assumed it will be Feb. 1, but I will demand it. It will probably take her that long to repair the damage to the walls and to clean up the mess she's made anway. DH ensured me that he will oversee the repair work and cleaning.
I'm sure she will be her usual surly pissy self in the meantime, but I am immune to her. She just needs to stay out of my way!!!
It was always Mom and Dad's rules in their home.
I agree that it is a privilege to live at home with Mom and Dad after 18/HS graduation.
I lived with my parents during school breaks my first two years of college and then moved home full time when I got the call that they were moving back to the States and would be living in Texas. Initially I told them that I did not want to move to Texas and that I would stay in AZ and go to school. Their response ......... Good Luck and write when you get a job and pay for school and all of your bills on your own.
My response ...... Where in Texas are we moving? When we moved they laid down the law and it was that I could live at home as long as I was a full time student and I paid for my own bills including school, clothes, gas, insurance, medical etc .... As long as I met those criteria they did not charge me rent or food costs.
I got a job (Cook and Delivery Driver at a greasy spoon/pizza place on Lake Travis .... I had a great time)and covered my own expenses per the agreement though we did struggle a few times with my keeping my personal space and belongings clean and orderly. I was not a neat freak by any means but I never had a toxic waste zone problem like you describe with your SD.
To this day my Mom and Dad will comment on how much I surprised them by getting a job and meeting their expectations at that time of my life. I guess at that point I realized that the Mom and Dad gravy train was comming to an end (I was 21) and that I had to do what I had to do to support myself.
I lived at home for three years until I married my XW. After my divorce Mom and Dad helped me with school when I sold my business and went back full time to finish up my degree. Though they helped they made it abundantly clear that it was my younger brother's turn for school and that they would help me only if my bro and I lived together and went to the same school. Not a particularly difficult requirement to accommodate since he decided to go to the school that I had already chosen.
They did not change the locks and leave my bags at the front door but they did nudge me out of the nest. They let me fall on my butt and pick myself back up. They did help me dust off my behind and helped me move forward.
And ....... I am grateful. They just left this AM to head back home after spending the holidays with my wife, SS and I. I miss them already. They really are the foundation of my life and I am lucky to have had their love and support my whole life.
You are not being unreasonable with SD 18 IMHO. You are doing her a favor. It sounds like DH is in agreement with you. You are doing the right thing for SD and though she may not agree now, you are doing her a great service ....... you are being her parent(s). I know I did not appreciate the Mom and Dad method when I was going through it but I complied and I am grateful that they showed me that I could face the world and be responsible for myself, even if they used the phased approach VS the sink or swim approach. Some kids respond to the nudge and some have to be thrown. Parents have to choose the method that is right for the kid. Because ....... as we all know, some kids are just clueless. I know I was.
Good luck and best regards,
Thanks Rags
You have some great words of wisdom and I couldn't agree more.
My parents were/are wonderful as well. They had high expectations of me and I wanted to make them proud. I worked from the time I was 16 and all throughout college to help pay for my expenses. Laziness wasn't an option. I turned out pretty well, thanks to their guidance. They did kick me in the butt from time to time and I deserved it, but I never disrepected them the way my SD has with DH and me.
I agree that kicking SD out of the nest is doing her a favor, although that wasn't my intention when I did it. I was fed up. Hopefully, she'll find it within herself to put the guidance that DH and I have tried to instill. It really is up to her at this point.
Thanks again!
Isn't it interesting .....
that even when we act in anger, parents often end up doing the best thing for the kids.
It is kind of funny how that works I think.
Good luck and best regards,