bed time frustration!
I am so angry! I just got home from a 2 day trip. SD9 and bf have had the last 2 nights together. Anyways SD is saying she feels sick all night so i gave her a panadol. (I know she is just trying to get out of school for tomorrow because she is bouncing around the house hanging upside down one minute and then aaaww i feel sick the next. I told her to go to bed if she feels sick she says no it's to early. Then she asks me if she can sleep on the floor next to us. I say no and then a few minutes later I walk into the bedroom and my partner is setting up the bed for her to sleep next to us. I said to my partner i just told SD I said no and SD says no you didn't outright lying to my face. Me and my partner had very different upbringings with sleeping arangements. He usually sleeps in her bed once a weeks which i can live with. But in my upbringing we didn't do that. I just don't agree with it i feel like it's a partners role to sleep next to you. When i first moved in about a year and a half ago he wanted me to leave our bed sometimes so they could sleep in the same bed that is where i drew the line. It just feels like SD is the parent sometimes trying to be my role because BF lets her do what ever. I get along well with SD for the most but this situation comes up every so often and it makes my blood boil. I feel so rejected and unappreciated. I spend the most time with SD and when i try to set a rule just one my partner goes what r u serious y do you have such a problem with her sleeping next to us.
IMHO
SD9 should be sleeping in her own bed at all times.
Maybe get her a huge teddy bear(that no one but she can sleep with) when she has those insecure moments or is not feeling well?
Your S/O probably allows this as it is the "easy way" to pacify his daughter and not have to listen to her whine and cajole-and now it is a habit they will have to break (get out the training tools-Ha!)
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
i had (have) EXACTLY the same issues
My SD is 8. When I met DH SD had just turned 6. She slept with dad all the time. It took me 2 years to break him of that habbit. We had a huge fight over it (and other things) before we were married. I said "its inappropriate for you to sleep with her". "The child will never learn to sleep alone if you are her crutch for falling asleep". I printed literature for him defending my position. He disagreed...however....this is where we are now: On weekends, she is not to come into our room until 8:00 a.m(we've come a long way from her crawling into bed in the middle of the night). She still wakes in the night faking illnesses or "bad dreams" and DH will sleep with her...does it bother me...absolutely....but i try to disengage. Its tough.
The bedtime routine for them is an hour long..Can you imagine that!!! The reading together is understandable, but the laying with an 8 y/o child until she falls asleep....indulgent. Whatever....not my kid.
Good luck to you. The only thing I can suggest is talking to your partner. Being firm. And don't think you're off base in having the discussion. It affects you because this child has her own room. You need your sleep. Period.
Thank-you
Thank-you so much for your advice. God it always feels like you move two steps forward and one step back. Thank-gods for this website and thank god for other step parents it has kept my sanity!
Communal sleeping
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I would imagine these guys knew you slept in your own bed before you married them? I mean, some cultures do have communal sleeping-it's generally where there simply is not enough space for everyone to have their own room. But usually they at least have their own mats.
The biggest issue I see, besides it just being a fact (No.1) that it's the wife the husband should be sleeping with, is that men often become aroused during their sleep. Not a bad thing if wife is sleeping in the bed, not so great if daughter is and should happen to waken. I'm not suggesting your H's have anything but the most innocent cuddling with their "princesses" in their minds. And nocturnal erections are subconcious, but they happen. And that, along with fact No. 1, is why THESE MEN NEED TO CUT IT OUT!
SD3 has never slept in her own bed w BM
it started when she was an infant and still living w DH bc she was too lazy to get up and put her in the crib after feeding her. then she moved to BMs bed...im sure BM is lonely bc no man will have her but COME ON. this is NOT good for children! she sleeps fine in her own bed at our house, never has slept w us...EVER. just another way for BM to baby her. SD said she feeds her too...wonder if she meant from the utensil or the teet???
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
We have had similar issues.
We have had similar issues. When DH and I married and started living together, SS used to crawl into bed EVERY single night. It drove me insane because I like to sleep in not too many clothing, and I couldn't anymore. But SS kicks and punches in his sleep and digs his limbs under your body and it hurt. I would get up and move to the couch because it was so horrible. I couldn't sleep. Then I made the rule that SS had to sleep on DH's side so he wasn't next to be. SS didn't like that because he wanted to cuddle with me. I was the reason he was in our bed. So it slowed a ton. But then I started telling him no when he would come to crawl into bed and he went right back to bed. He will always wake me up and ask if it's ok. Sometimes I say yes if it's been a while, but I usually say no. But now, a year and a half later, he begs me at bedtime to sleep with him. He says just once and they I can sleep with dad forever. But I refuse. I know that if it happens once, it will happen again. I told him mommies and daddies sleep together. Kids sleep in their own beds. And I have stayed true to it. But he no longer wants to crawl into our bed. If he has a nightmare, I get up with him and tuck him back in and sing him a song and I go back to bed. He isn't asleep, but he stays in bed.
Stuck in this situation as well...
Well... here's our bed ritual that I dread every time SD8 comes over.
BM always let's SD8 watch a movie right before she goes to bed, so we are expected to do the same. So every night she's with us, we pop in a movie she wants to watch, say goodnight to her, and go out into the living room to either watch a movie of our own or to just talk. 99.9% of the time SD8 will crawl out of her bed and scream for "da da" to come watch the movie with her. He tells her that he'll be there in a bit, and she starts to cry, claiming that no one loves her and hates her. So DH gets up and watches the movie with her while I'm left alone. Then they would fall asleep and I would go to bed... again, all by myself.
At first it bothered me to no end because parents should not sleep with their children... especially when they're eight years old. At least, that's what I believe. At that age, they're old enough to sleep by themselves. But no... not SD8. She's a spoiled brat. I've learned to get over it but I'm just not sure how I would get DH to quit this habit.
Oh man!
I hate that too... when we try to explain to our DH/BF what they're doing wrong as parents and they just snap at us.
Like, with me, I don't have any kids of my own yet so DH sees it as no parenting experience whatsoever. Therefore, I have no say in how SD8 should be raised.
BUT I know the difference between right and wrong, and I know that it is wrong to treat an 8 year old the way he does. DH and BM baby the crap out their daughter, and it makes me want to puke. All over.
That girl will grow up to be ten times worse if they keep it up... and that's fine by me. Their rotten child, their problem.
It helps me to know that when I have kids, I will raise them to be polite, respectful, and loving.
smack him over the head
thank god my DH doesnt like kids leeping in bed w their parents...BM did that from the day SD came home from the hospital, which is why he slept on the couch
explain to him that he has created a monster and that indulging her is only making things worse. im sure he wont care, but u coudl try nonetheless. if that doesnt work, withhold sex until he starts hanging out w u and coming to bed w u. that outta get him.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
i broke DH of the bedtime movie ritual for SD
at nite, she used to protest going to bed so he'd pop in a movie. a couple months ago, i said enough of that...she needs to learn when its bedtime, its bedtime. and he listened and she has! imagine what we all could accomplish if they would just LISTEN to us!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin