Was full custody a mistake? Need your feedback...
Hi Everyone,
I've been lurking around for about 2 years on this site. I've gotten many answers by reading others posts, but now I'm at a wall that I need help. A little (maybe a lot)about my situation:
My husband had a previous non-marital relations with a woman. This woman and him had many issues according to both of them, but when the short-lived relationship was about to end and my husband was about to call it off, this woman so happened to get pregnant, and threw it in his face the moment he was breaking up with her. Thus the start of a crazy ride. After much back and forth the baby was going to stay and she was born...fastforward....
The relationship between my DH and BM has been a handful. Basically anytime she could she used SD now 8 as a sheild to make him miserable. When she didn't feel like taking care of SD8 she threw her at DH, and when she didn't agree with what he did as a father, she snatched SD8 back to her world. Sometimes instead of BM taking care of her BGM (bio grand mom) took care of her, or my DH's mom did...all this happened for 6 months at a swap making for a very rocky foundation for SD8...fastforward....
I got involved with DH was a friend when the relationship was clearly over when SD was around 2. We started a relationship when she was around 4 and married, when she turned around 6. BM of course as most all BMs are not supportive of the relationship. My DH got very fed up with SD8 going back and forth and after hearing stories of her not going to school for months at a time, and being neglected in BM's home, we both decided to go for full custody. The great part of this story is that we went to the meetings at the courthouse and BM thought that she wouldn't come, and that would make things progress slowly, however when we went to trail, the judge judged in our favor, and sent police to get SD8 out of the home and into our care immediately.
We have had SD8 since Jan. of 2006 full time, and boy can I tell you that it has been hard, demonstrating stability and consistency. There has been periods of 6 months that she hadn't even talked to her mom, because of the fact that her mom never had a working number or never wanted to call her. BM also didn't want to see SD8 for a period of time because she felt hurt that she didn't have her in her care anymore. We have several of bad influences on SD8, her mother, her grandmother and my DH's mom...all who took care of SD8 during the times where her mom didn't want to or didn't want DH to take care of her. In that care, they let SD8 to everything she wanted, they gave her everything she wanted, and let her just be free to do whatever.
So now fastforward to present. Because of her foundation, she from the start of us having full custody has been really depressed. Since she knows about how it was when she could do whatever she wanted, she craves for the freedom, thus making our house seem like a complete drag. She hates the fact that she HAS to do homework because she remembers when her mom didn't enforce it. She hates that she has to go to bed at a certain hour. She hates the fact that she can't watch cartoons 24 hours a day, and basically she feels like her life sucks when in actuality it is actually comprable to every kid in her school. We have tried to get her with playdates with parents that share our same values, but she doesn't see that she is the same as other kids. Now, she has had many incidents of lying, conspiring to lie, and is turning into a chronic liar, and theif, this drive my DH crazy. I must say, he does his job on discipline and talking to her, but it only works for a week. Now, we are getting comments from her like "my mom steals and lies and gets away with it, and that is why I do it ...I can't stop lying".
So...I've always been not trusting of SD8 just because I know how her BM is and I have to make sure that I keep a watchful eye on her because she is picking up manipulative ways from her mom, and I fear that she might be ruffling through our stuff when I'm away. She also has always stared at me, she sighs heavily when I tell her what to do and her dad...basically it turns to the whole energy level in our house negative...and that is NOT who I am. I've tried to not let her pull me down, but I don't know what to do. We were going to try to get her to talk to the counselor in her school since she does not talk to us.
Also, I recently had baby of my own between me and DH. I really do not want her bad influences rubbing off on my daughter. (Now 4 months). I want them to have a relationship, but I fear to let them get too close because I know bad habits foster bad habits, and unfortunately I do not trust my SD8 to be a good example for her sister. Also, SD8's BM is so manipulative she would use SD8 to demonstrate cruelness. What would you guys do? Have you been in the same situation? I really am to the point where everything SD8 does is a lie, and her attitude makes you just not want to deal with it. My own DH is asking if we should just let her BM have her and pay the CP and deal with the drama, because it beats keeping SD8. I don't want to give up by anymeans, but I really want to have a good life and not be all unhappy to go home and feel like SD8's situation is hopeless. I also do not want my daughter to see a unhappy and fustrated mother...that isn't the energy that I want around my child.
I know I signed up for this deal, and I want to see it through, I just need to know how I can make it better. If she basically is going to be a carbon copy of her mom, then I really don't want to have her have a very open relationship with my daughter. The age difference works in my favor, but I do want SD8 to turn her thinking around to be more positive. She is better off with us, and she has it like any other kid.
I remember when the guardian ad litem asked me if I was "ready" for keeping SD8....I did this for the happiness of my DH, but now..."was I really ready for it?".
There is my initiation story! Sorry it was a novel, but if some of you can comment, that would really help me out. Thanks!
I know it's hard when she lives there full time, but
Keep the time that your SD and daughter spend together at a MINIMUM. Trust me on this one.
I try, but feel torn about it..
SD8 really wants to be apart of BD's life. I try when she has the opportunity for her to interact, but that is another story. She'll only interact with the baby when her dad in around and I'm not. This has occured since I was pregnant. She'll only talk to her dad about the pregnancy, but not me. So, I do have hard feelings about her relatinoship with my BD when she cannot try to actually talk openlly with me. I refuse. I agree with you though...I have to keep it at a minimum. However, what happens when my BD gets older and starts to look at her "big sister" as the idol and the answer to all what life is to bring her? Scary...
I would NOT give her
I would NOT give her back...thats just one more time she's being shoved off onto someone else & will reenforce whatever negative feelings she already has because of it. I would try to keep her contact with the BM to a minimum since she is the one enforcing these bad habits. I would see a family counselor together, and get the opinion of that counselor whether she needs individual counseling as well. Most important, BE CONSISTENT. From the sound of it, she has never had consistency & is now a product of that lifestyle. Make sure she is punished appropriately each & every time she lies, no matter how small the lie may be. Eventually she will realize that lying is not worth the trouble she gets in, as long as there are actually consequences. The longer you allow it to go on the worse she will get as those teenage years start approaching. Just try to be a positive role model and praise her endlessly for any and everything she does right, encourage her to be a good big sister. She's still young enough to turn her attitude around, don't give up!!
Thank you
This is what I needed to hear, I really believe in consistency but it gets so hard. I also feel like we are missing out on the feeling of being a true family atmosphere and having fun because she is always in trouble.
I think you and DH did the best thing.
You got SD, you took WombMom basically out of the picture. Now you are having to deal with the residual behaviors. You will continue to have to deal with those behaviors for several more years but at a reduced level every year.
For us, my wife has always had custody so we do not have the 6rs of bad habits that your SD picked up in the WM's household.
We still struggled with visitation induced behavioral problems until very recently. When my SS hit 15-16 he finally started realizing that the differences in success in his Mom's home and in his SpermDad's home was primarily due to good decisions which included following behavioral and performance rules.
Lately he has started to make decisions as he has been trained and expected to do his whole life VS how he sees decisions being made in SpermWorld.
It will take a lot of time and a significant emotional ad performance investment but you will see the same types of improvement that we have begun to see in SS (16). We have been at this since SS was ~15mos old so it is a long and arduous journey.
Good luck and best regards,
Thanks Rags
I guess down the road we will see the rewards of our hard work!
I agree, don't give up, however...
also be realistic in that she may not pick up all of the good stuff your offering to her. BM is still her BM and for some odd reason, BMs have a pretty strong hold on most daughters. If you see it not changing as DD gets older, make it clear to her that SD is not how you want her to be. My sons have done that on their own. Adult SD wants a relationships with her dad and brothers, but not me. My boys pretty much blow her off...even if I encourage them NOT to. Your DD more than likely won't accept you being ignored or treated badly.
Her mom is her mom
You are right...I definately have no interest in taking away her access to her mom, no matter what a bad influence it is. So, the con of this is that her bad behavior continues...I hope to keep hefty supervision on the role that SD8 plays on DD, keep them both busy and...after 10 years, hopefully she'll be off to college(or out of the house) and her access will be minimal.
just a thought
If you are not opposed, sending or taking her to church may reinforce a lot of the values you are going for (or against), without it coming from you. It may not take but will at least expose her to respect for elders, not lying, sin! etc.?
But no, if you can possibly stand it, she needs you. I wish I could have gotten a hold of my SD at that age, you can possibly still reach her! before the dreaded teen years
p.s. you show remarkable restraint, just lurking for so long! come on in, the water's fine :)!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I'm jumpin in
Well, I'm jumpin in the waters now! You guys have always given such good advice I didn't really have to post...but just wanted to get some specific feedback. Church is another source that will instill our values, and we try to go as much as possible. However her BM refuses us to take her, we still do - but when it comes out in conversation we do not stop hearing about it for days.
Don't give up!
I really appreciate your comment in my situation earlier, but our situations are a bit different. The BM I deal with is not unfit, just..... diametrically opposite me in every way, and her habits I see rubbing off on SD12 irritate the crap out of me. Your BM has shown herself unfit. SD12 is not a bad kid; decent grades, not disrespectful nor shady, and hasn't shown any of the signs your SD has.
We have to wean SD12 off of whining and hysterical emotional outbursts (which is how she gets things from BM) every time we see her. We're not nice about the whining, either. Consistency is key! If your husband talking to her and correcting only lasts for a week, can you have a family meeting once a week where you review her behavior and reinforce that bad behavior leads to nothing but punishments?
As someone here's signature line (Sorry, can't remember who!) says, "You don't have to LOVE me, you don't have to LIKE me, but you WILL respect me!" That's an important standard of behavior. Lies, eye-rolling, and sighs are not respectful.
To combat the "I've got it so hard!" I've wistfully wondered if we couldn't show SD12 how good she's got it by putting her on a mattress in an empty room with no door, having her do all sorts of chores when she's not at school, and feeding her a basic healthy diet with no treats (wait, we do that already) to show her what she is entitled to: a roof, food, clothes, and cleanliness. But, it'd be too hard to enforce, and BM would go ballistic. *sigh*
Keep your chin up, you know you can vent here any time.
disrespect
NCMilGal - I didn't see that a sigh could be a sign of disrespect, but can see what you mean. We have to nip the lying in the bud. Me and DH talked about it today, we are going to remain consistent, and hopefully eventually she will crack. We don't sit down to her together and talk and have an open forum for her and it is like you can hear a pin drop....
You are too funny when you mention to put your SD12 in an empty room. Sometimes you feel like you have to go through that extreme to get them to say thank you. Geez, I remember when I threw a b-day party for SD8 and she hated me for making her write out thank you cards. I'm still trying to find a good voluntary organization that our whole family can go to - that will hopefully make her more thankful for the things she has.
ooooh!
"I'm still trying to find a good voluntary organization that our whole family can go to - that will hopefully make her more thankful for the things she has."
What a good idea to do as a family! Did you come up with anything? I was considering helping out the angel tree program. Maybe that would be a good one to do with the skids. Christmas isn't a given for everybody and that might help bring their expectations down a bit and learn the true meaning of it.
Sorry, I know this post is old but I'm fairly new. I signed up several weeks ago, but only got to look around for one day until recently.
Voluntatry organizations
I've come up with the big brother big sister program, also the salvation army has different programs, where you can help in shelters serving food. Also, the girl scouts program always gives back the community and this teaches the girls that people have it worse and bascially do not think the world should be given to you because others have had the world taken away. Also, for the holidays salvation army has an adopt a family program, this is nice way to give back...the kids do not get presents, but show how much they care about another family who went through devastation in the last year. Hope this helps.