After reading blogs and forum topics, I am in awe of all of you. You all do so much, and care so much, I feel.... petty and mean.

DH doesn't get much visitation. When BM filed for divorce, they were living in Georgia, but she had fled to Louisiana and filed there. No matter what he did to move closer to his daughter, he would have been at least 4-6 hours away. So, he moved on and to North Carolina. His visitation is six weeks in the summer if he's not deployed, (they split in 2003, so there are a lot of deployments out there) and every other major holiday IF he is willing to pay for airfare or drive the 15 hours there and back to visit. BM is always willing to send SD (DH pays CS during the entire time SD visits) at no cost to her. DH calls SD every other day or so, and the same goes for BM when SD is here.

The thing is, as SD has gotten older, she has turned into her mother. Heavily overweight, ignorant, parroting prejudice, lazy, doesn't think about the consequences of her actions, and looks *just* like her.

I, having absolutely no experience with kids, thought 11 or 12 was old enough to reason with, or to direct and expect cooperation. The fact that she *looks* like she's 18 (I hear she's now taller than I am, and heavier than her father) makes it even tougher, because it's seriously like dealing with an 8-yr-old in an adult's body and I have trouble seeing her as a kid. I keep expecting her to react like an adult, and in my head I know she won't, but viscerally she surprises/disappoints me every time. I find dealing with her frustrating and largely unrewarding.

DH has gotten used to not having SD around. Her physical resemblance to BM seriously bothers him and gets in the way of reacting to her shenanigans calmly. While she was here, the stress and tension racheted up to a very high level.

We were contemplating pursuing physical custody; we're stable here, the schools are better, we have more disposable income and we were willing to put in the effort to get her to be a responsible adult and give her a better chance at being successful. That was before this summer. Getting her to do *anything*, getting up in the morning, leaving the house, doing chores, *bathing* was like pulling teeth. She is aware that she's overweight and claimed to want to lose weight; after the third day of 1-mile walks turned into 2 hours of whining, pouting, arguing, and practically dragging her, we gave it up as too much effort. She did lose close to 20 lbs in six weeks, but that was due to healthy food and snacks, with reminders about portion control. We didn't starve her; she ate as much as her father. It makes me wonder what she does and eats at home.

After all that, DH doesn't know that it's worth the struggle to do anything more than he is. He pays CS, he has the visitation he can afford, he is a fair disciplinarian when she is here, but.... He loves his daughter, but doesn't really like her much. I, obviously, haven't really bonded with her. I bite my tongue and try to be fair and even affectionate, but I don't know that I'm doing that good of a job. BM is someone I would never ever be friends with, her fiscal and personal decisions appall me, but she *does* love SD, even if she is a bit of a manipulative narcissist. She holds down a job, and has finally settled down with a good man.

So are we both wrong to heave a sigh of relief when SD gets on that plane? Are we wrong not to pursue more time, or getting BM to pay for part of the visitation? SD is a good kid, but we both work alcoholism-inducing stressful jobs and dealing with her on top of that puts both of us over the edge.

Please, flame away if you think it's justified.