I do NOT think that you have a screw loose... I think that your sd owes you an apology, and that she needs to be TRUELY sorry when she gives it.

I think that your inlaws are UNREALISTIC in their expectations. You are an adult, we know that.. well guess what, so is your sd.. so she should be held accountable. They should be OUTRAGED at how YOU were treated by sd.. aka "family". I can guarantee you if she punched one of them in the face, they would be just as pissed off as you.

Instead of thinking of yourself as the black sheep, think of them as people that have a screw loose for condoning such behavior. Your request for a SINCERE apology is NOT unreasonable. If anything, they should be THRILLED that you didnt file a report w/the local police and get a restraining order on her.

Sorry you have to go through this. I also think that your DH should be your support group as well. You need someone on your side on the front lines w/you.

listen, u need to have a come to jesus w DH and tell him a few things.

first, he should be supporting u and encourage his family to treat u w respect and not as the black sheep.

second, i would tell him this...if SD were not family, u wouldve written her off A LONG time ago, before the explosion, but bc she is family, u have given her many, many chances...and she blew the last one when she went THERE. so u HAVE made concessions, u HAVE done all u can, u HAVE given an inch and shes taken way more than a few miles.

respect is mutual and it has to be earned...and she needs to work on your relationship too. if she does, and she needs to make the first move, then u will reciprocate and go from there...maybe then u 2 can start over. but she needs to apologize and start treating u better and DH needs to stop making excuses for her. shes an adult now too and relationships are a two-way street.

stop letting them make u feel guilty and work on a way to get it back to where u feel confortable...no, it will never be the same and u will probably never feel love, but u can hopefully make it tolerable.

hang in there babe...remember, we love u and we're always here.

big hugs...
bella

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever got when I was going thru my divorce was about 'anger'.

You have to bury anger before you will ever be able to move on....but you can't bury something that is ALIVE.

So if you're angry....BE angry.

You'll have to find it in yourself to forgive her. But you can't rely on HER to help you find that part of you that is willing to forgive her.

It took me a very, very, very long time to forgive my husband's exwife for all that she put my family thru. It took me being completely uninvolved in the relationship that DH and BM have. It's just not worth it. Yes, she was horible to me...but I HAVE to be the bigger person and not let her affect me anymore. But my feelings didn't change overnite, I even went to a counselor to help me cope and ultimately to forgive.

It's like the process of grief, you have to go thru the process of being mad.

StepWitch...you are one of the sweetest women I have ever known. You'll learn to forgive her and maybe when she feels like being a grown up you can forge a relationship with her. Until then...wipe your hands clean of her and focus on yourself and tell all those around you who are pressuring you to fix the situation...."all in due time."

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I'm in the exact same position, except that DH's family does support me. I'm mad about it all the time. Your SD is 19...not a kid. Mine is 19 too. It affects my time with my DH, my kids, my family...and then I get resentful, because she's not even in my home and I'm letting her affect my time with people I truely care about! You and I both need to realize that we have done all we can for them and move on. We need to enjoy our kids, our DHs and people who we love and care about. I'm struggling too and I know I'm not handling it great. This site has been wonderful for me. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

CG is so very correct. It is not for anyone else to say how you should be handling your feelings right now and how you should just get over things and move on.

You've been hurt (both physically and emotionally). You've been wronged. And no one's stood up for you and said so. You're justifiably angry. And you have to take ownership of that anger and work through it- own your OWN terms and on your OWN timetable- not anyone else's! Not your DH's. Not his family. And certainly not SD's.

Sometimes the worst thing people ever try to do in these situations is FORCE a relationship to work, despite ALL the players in it wanting it to. Well, relationships are hard, and making them work effectively means that ALL the people involved have to give it 100% effort. And it doesn't seem like your SD is interested in caring about making the relationship between YOU and SHE work. She just wants what she wants for HER own selfish interests- not what's best for YOU. And for you to just pretend anything else isn't going to cut it at this point.

My advice- just "let it go" for now. And don't let anyone one else pressure you into doing what is not right for YOU. And if they can't see that forcing a FALSE relationship between you and SD is completely assinine, then yes, you have to disengage totally- until they DO GET IT!

Protect your emotional health, SW!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I'm sure you've read my posts, SS beat the holy hell right out of me, and he's 12.. NO ONE did a damn thing to him for it. BF made ME feel like the bad guy for being upset about it. I had bruised ribs, but yet, BF kept pushing for me to apologize to SS.. WTF?! Right? I had nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. But yet, to this day SS still treats me like a doormat and what punishment does he get? NONE. I tried to forgive and forget, but it's just not that easy. It's really hard to forgive a child for crossing this kind of line, in my case, I'm not sure I can ever forgive SS. He doesn't give two squats about respect or trying to build a relationship with me. Long as his laundry is done and he gets his way with EVERYTHING, he's happy. I tried to disengage, but I too am not sure exactly how to do this. I always end up getting a guilt trip from BF when I stay away from skids and let them fend for themselves. It's an endless battle for me at this point. I have an appointment scheduled with a counselor next week, I'm hoping he can show me a better way to deal with all of this. In the meantime, I'm right there in the boat with you and StepLightly ..hands in the water, paddling as fast as possible and hoping to hit land soon. Hugs to you my friend!

Not to fuel you.. but I have the same feelings, only toward the bm. She assaulted me almost 3 yrs ago. She has never once apologized. My dh occassionally asks when i will forget it. I say NEVER.. I explained that she is not someone that I would choose to be friends with. I would cut her out of my life completely, IF she were not the bm of the skids. I have no choice but to have her sort of in my life.

I have been asked over and over to be the bigger person. I always ask the same freakin question. Why is that I have to ALWAYS be the bigger person??? why is no one preaching to HER about apologizing and making amends for being such a horrible shrew?

I feel your anger, your anxiety and your unwillingness to let this go. I guess I need a shovel as well.

Hang in there switch.

Stepwitch. I am in no way saying that you should have to be nice or pretend. I dont when it comes to bm. What I do is pretend like she doesnt exist.

Go to that party.. have a great time. That will get to her more than you being upset or worse, not showing.

My suggestions for the OTHER relatives should they start their commentaries are similiar to when this first happened and you had one of these bday dinners.

Relative: Seriously Stepwitch, she is a child, you are an adult, cant you just move on and forgive her already??

Stepwitch: I dont know, how long did it take you to forgive SD when she punched you in the face????

If they dont get the hint from that.. I dont know what would. Hopefully what they get from that line is.. oh yeah. I dont know what its like to be stepwitch because SD has never PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!!! I should mind my own business.

OR.. you could always change the subject and ask them something equally as personal and equally as none of your business, see how they like it!

You do NOT have to pretend like you like her, but you do have to go and have a good time!!! Dont forget, some wine might help!!!

I will be thinking of you this Sunday and sending you good vibes to get through the party!!!

I am for the first time in my life speechless….. I have never had to deal with an 18 year old SD before so I couldn’t even begin to imagine your situation. I do remember being an 18 year old girl and remember having quite a bad attitude a lot of the time and I didn’t even have a SM to direct my attitude at. (my parents are still married to each other for the last 41 ½ years) I can only speak for myself on this one as to what I would do in this situation.

I would’ve had to suppress my instinct to hit her back first of all. I too would have put her out of the house. When the family started giving me a hard time I would tell them this…
”Would you rather I have called the police to her since she is an adult now and had her put in jail for assault?"

I would let them know that the next time she physically assaults you that is exactly what you intend to do because she will NOT treat you that way in your home. As for the party….I would go and hold my head proud! I would just ignore the SD like she didn’t even exist….even if she speaks to you or is standing next to you….don’t answer her or even look in her direction. (this gets to people fast…I’ve done it before) If the family doesn’t like the way you are acting towards her simply say “ok” then get in your car and leave….even if you have to leave DH there. Make sure you take the other kids with you because you don’t want them to think it’s okay to act that way and not have any consequences later.

Handling DH – I know he has been supportive of your decision. The only reason he wants you to let go of the “hate” is because he knows that it is eating you up inside and isn’t good for you. I would also let him know that if the ‘unspoken understanding’ is that the kids shouldn’t have contact with her then that’s his own guilty conscience working on him….not you. Let him know that you have NEVER said anything about them not having contact with her but that you will not tolerate her influencing them with her negative and abusive behavior. Let him know that if she can’t be a positive role model for them then they won’t have contact with her…end of discussion.

Tell all of the family that until she apologizes to you for what she has done then she no longer exists to you.

This is going to be extremely hard on your marriage but not any harder than it’s already been for you. Take some advice from me….life is too short to be unhappy.

Even as I type this to you my heart breaks for you. I’m afraid that once my SD turns 18 or gets older she is going to be the same way….except I will have her arrested for assault. (but I’m tired of being a doormat so that’s where my strong feelings come from)

Good luck to you….I’ll be praying for you. 

a hard time forgiving anyone for punching me... let alone my step child or bio child for that matter. I think Dh is wrong for wanting you to just forget it, could he is the roles were reversed. That child NEEDS to apologize & mean it. Then maybe you can forgive her.
Be strong and go & be your wonderful loving self!

and the pain its causing her...still, not easy

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

SW - I too feel your pain sweetie. You know that I am also not looking forward to this weekend. If anything goes down - leave and call me pronto!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

please please PLEASE??!!!
bella's hideaway home for blacksheep stepmoms...tee hee!

oh wait, i dont wanna be home this wkend either...oh shoot!
well, we could go hole up at a winery!!!!!

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Hey - that's a great idea!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

SW - you have every right to be angry and it will take you a long time to get over the anger that you have towards SD and I don't blame you one bit. She is 19 and therefore responsible for her own actions. She is not a child. No I would not want to sweep everything under the rug either. Until she can give you a sincere apology I would have nothing to do with her. Do not let anyone make you feel bad she is the one that was wrong. If you have to be around her in social situations I would ignore her completely. Why even bother to acknowledge someone that has been so horrible to you. I would probably be able to muster up a hello and then go about your business. The rest of the family needs to butt out as this did not happen to them. If anyone where to bring it up I would just say that once SD realizes she is wrong and can apologize to me for HITTING ME I don't have anything to say to her and if and when she apologizes we can work on it from there. I hate that you are going through this and I hate that the family feels you should let it go. To me it is a serious issue and if it had been anyone else but a family member you probably would have called the cops and had them arrested. I'm glad your DH is supportive of you and I hope that things get better.

I hate that you have - it is completely draining - I myself am taking a mental health day from work just because I am so livid about the stuff going on in my own situation and I can't even imagine what you are going through but we are all here to support you. I'm sure you have been a great stepmother to those girls and it is sickening the way that these sk's treat people when we are only trying to do our best for them - they need to grow up. I threw my own BS out of the house when he was 19 for the way he acted, he actually punched holes in my walls because he had such a bad temper and a few times he was so angry at me that he was yelling and screaming at me and had his fists clenched like he wanted to hit me. The last draw was he actually got right in my face and almost did - that is when I threw him out. No way am I going to live in fear of being assualted in my own home - just for having rules that he didn't like. Fortunately I had the support of my family that what i did was the right thing and no one was giving him excuses for his behaviour (maybe because he was a boy?). It took almost 2 years until we spoke again (his choice - I left him alone) but I stood my ground until he apologized to me and showed me that he respects me. And this was my own son and it was agonizing but I will not let anyone EVER treat me with that kind of disrespect. AND there was no way that I was going to apologize to him for HIS behaviour. You hang in there and I am sending you BIG CYBER HUGS.

Screws loose - no. What happened is not your fault. Has she made any attempt at all to reconcile or be friendly? If not, please stop letting it eat at you. What she did was wrong. I'm afraid I would have hit her back. I can tell this is eating you alive. You have got to find some way to let it go SW. Maybe in time somehow it will be better. In the meantime, you have to focus on yourself. Stop worrying about this weekend when you will see her. Focus on something else right now and don't try to plan out how this weekend is going to go. Just be yourself. You are a lovely lady, DH knows this too, and I know you can rise above your inlaws and this situation. Mark my words this kid is sorry for what she did, she knows deep down it's her fault, but she's a kid and not likely to admit it anytime soon. She is the person this should be eating at - not you. Love you, SW.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

You're not a doormat for abuse (none of you!). You hold that beautiful head with the sassy new 'do high on Sunday. Then, if there's anyone in DH's family who will be there who did express support when Bill had his accident, you show how classy you are by expressing your gratitude when you were worried about Bill and patients. I'm bringing the raggedy ann doll that looks like my BM to the retreat. We'll find some great use for her.

To every thing there is a season.

Here, here Anabi - we should all say that to ourselves every morning when we look in the mirror - "we are not doormats", "we are not doormats"....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin