Square Dancing and Stepparenting...
Forums:
Is there a similiarity here? I just read a post by someone here who said that sometimes we take 2 steps back before we get to take 1 step forward.....
In my case, it seems that I have always found myself taking steps to the right, to the left, to the back and spinning in circles. Where was the step up? When did I miss the hand-holding and where was that banjo tune?
Is there anyone else here who hears this? I think my dance was just the STOMP !!
and why is it NO ONE signed us up for lessons prior to marriage?
Think about it ........did ANYONE tell you that it would be like this...that really ticks me off...there are people in my life that could have told me to just cut off a limb it would be alot more fun.
(laughing)
Yeah, Right?
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
spinning in circles is definitely more like it
or how about i just keep taking steps back, back, back but no forward!
i love the people who say "well u knew he had kids when u met him." well yeah but i didnt know what psycho bm was like and the lengths she would go to make me miserable just bc i exist. grrrr.
and isnt square dancing done w a partner? sometimes i feel like im in this all alone...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Me too
I had figured out that BM was nutty. Just didn't have any idea SD would fall so close to the tree. That's the one that's making trudging through so hard.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
The "Experts"
Before we got married, DH & I read so many books about Blending Families, Stepfamilies, How to Co-parent with a Jerk (my favorite), and anything else we could get our hands on. We thought that since we were both pretty intelligent and caring and had our children's best interests at heart, we could handle this.
Yeah, right.
All the 'experts' said it would take about 2-3 years for a newly blended family to start to feel like a 'real' family.
What a crock!
I wrote on another post that I'm considering buring all those books- at least then I'll get some GOOD USE out of them. With the cost of heat these days, I can at least save on my electric bill.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
We felt like a family in the beginning
And now 4 years later do not.
I think the experts are stuck on best or worst case scenarios so much that nothing in the middle is covered.
SD's psychologist always asked me when I was writing my book. I don't feel I can. It wouldn't be encouraging to those just starting out.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
One of the books
One of the books I read estimated 5-7 years. It does seem long, but I can say that it has been pretty accurate for us. We are 8 years stepping, but a little over five as CP. I personally think that CPs have a better shot at this not draggin out over years and years. It is when you are NCP that you have no real control because BM is usually working her magic to undue any influence or rationale that you have laid the foundation for. So, instead of building on a foundation you keep laying the same damn bricks.
Just my obeservation from being on both sides of the equation.
**3 years NCP
**5+ years CP
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I think
It has more to do with whether or not the other parent is unstable and interfering.
Case in point:
*We have my boys pretty much 90% of the time. But he and his wife don't interfere with anything. We get along. We can be at each other's homes. We communicate. We are ALL mature adults when it comes to the boys. And so it has been since me and my ex divorced over 8 years ago. It has been a pleasure.
HOWEVER....
*We have his 3 girls 50% of the time and had his oldest 100% of the time starting in April '07. But DH's ex is unstable. They have been separated for over 7 years and divorced for over 6. But the drama and the anger and the open hostility and the games haven't stopped for one day. She brainwashed the girls with horrible things about me. It has been a roller-coaster ride of unending drama and nonsense from day one.
Gee, I wonder why we still don't feel like a 'family' five years later?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
exactly 5teens
DH has custody of his son and has had both boys since the divorce. we have no issues w the ex bc she leaves us alone...almost too much, she hardly sees the boys and doesnt exercise her visitation much. but whatever. when she does, she just calls SS...hes 15 and has a cell and just double checks w us.
now SD3 is a different story. this is the psycho BM that has accused us of abuse, harrssed us to no end and dragged us to cout to basically rape us for CS since shes lazy and doesnt wanna work full time...funny, bc shes not teaching SD a damn thing while shes w her 24/7...the kid is developmentally behind a bit. anyway i digress. its all in the other parent. we only see SD EOW now bc of all the bs we have had to endure and its STILL doesnt end. so i completely agree w u 5teens. BM2 is unstable and makes it difficult to do anything where SD is concerned, all bc she hates us so much.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
definitely an added factor
Definitely an added factor. When really thinking about what you ladies have said, I must admit that stability really was allowed to happen when we stopped a lot of the outside interference from BM. She still tries to rear her ugly head and put her two cents in, but sad to say, it is not welcomed from us. The kids may appreciate it, but only when there is something in it for them. She works real hard at buying them and being best friends with them. They occasionally cave to this, but they also see it for what it is now. So, yes BMs negative influence and inteference is also an added factor to consider.
I think with every family the dynamics are going to be different and it lends room to a multitude of outcomes and issues. There is no real or true answer. Just as each child develops individually, so does each family. Some faster than others. Such is life. We just have to hang on and hang in there.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
u got it
we dont let BM interfere at all w what we do w SD when shes w us...the problem is that having her so little, BM is the major influence...and sadly, that influence is low class, white trash, lazy...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Well put Principlist...
and exactly what happens at our non-custodial house. We've laid the same bricks so many times now that we could have the Great Wall of China if we were allowed to actually make progress. We're about four and a half years in... as a family we had a couple of years of honeymoon phase, a couple of years with things pretty tough and although there are definitely still issues it's starting to look like we may be crossing over the hump so I'm hopeful in the 5-6 year range maybe we'll finally hit our stride.
AT LEAST
At least in square dancing they tell you what to do so you are not second guessing yourself!