I cannot freaking believe this crap!
About a month ago BM drops on us that she is going to take SD13 and SD10 to Disney World in April of 2009. I'm thinking thats great. I've never been, and would jump at the opportunity to go. Skids have been, but a long time ago, when they were little. She had been apparently looking into it, but didn't say anything until the tickets had been purchased and trip booked. Well, DH sits SD13 down to give her the good/exciting news. You know what. She flat out said she doesn't want to go. UGH. So DH calls BM to tell her, and she flips out. Says she has no choice in the matter, and that if SD13 had called her more often, maybe she could have had the chance to say she didn't want to go (yeah, whatever) DH says again, she doesn't want to go. BM says she's going. SD13 will miss 6 days of school for the trip, 8th grade with all AP classes. She will have 2 days upon return to make up all the work she missed. She doesn't want to go. I suggested to here that she seriously think on the matter, as this is a wonderful opportunity to go to Disney. She "soul searched" it for 3 days, and came to me and told me why she doesn't want to go. They recently returned from a trip to the Outer Banks (at this point you must be thinking, where the hell does she get all this money for these trips, I know I am) and SD13 had a terrible time. They give her a hard time for living with dad, SD 10 lives with BM, and of course is the family favorite, and SD13 feels that she becomes the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong. They are constantly negative about DH and me, and never really have anything nice to say in general. I don't blame her for not wanting to go. SD13 last night, asks dad to call BM to reiterate that she is not going to Disney. He does that today, and she flipped out even more. Accused us of letting her do whatever she wants to do, and threatens to take us to court. Now, SD13 made the decision on her own to not go, and even if she did, I can't see any reason that she would have to go to court.(that's her answer for everything - could you see it now.....My ex won't make my daughter go to Disney with us!!) SD13 told me the other day that she is now afraid to go to see BM because of the fact that she doesn't want to go to Disney, or that she hasn't gone to see her in a while, or even called her. Everytime her mother calls, I give her the message, and she says, so what or who cares. I have to force her, dial the number and put the phone in her hand, to get her to call. The conversation is....yes...no...I don't know.... uh huh..... love you too...bye. Oh my God....what can I do. I want to call BM and tell her why SD13 doesn't want to go, but that would go over like a lead balloon, and would break the trust SD13 has in me.
Here's the thing. Can she make her go? BM & DH have joint custody. SD13 resides with father, SD10 resides with mother. Doesn't DH have some say in the matter, whether she can miss that much school. I think I already know the answers to these questions, but I need some reassurance, and support.
I'm worried that she will show up at her school and take her out of school with out us knowing. What do we do? SD13 has already indicated that she will not go with her, but I just can't see that happening. Help!
What do the custody papers say??
Does she just have visitation on certain days? I wouldn't think a judge would do anything as the child doesn't want to do and it would cause her to miss so much school. I am not sure about the laws there, but if it is her time to have the child, she will have to file contempt charges and you will have the chance to explain to the court why she didn't go. Let me know what happens.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~
visitation
The custody papers just indicate that they share joint custody and that visitation would be worked out by both parties. They have worked out, every other weekend kind of thing, but if the skids don't want to go(or come ) for that matter, they decide. For example, SD10 called and left a message on the phone last Thursday, saying she decided that she didn't want to come this weekend. It was dad's weekend. We haven't forced the issue, and neither has she.
The plan for Disney is to pick her up on Thursday at Noon, and return her the following Thursday evening (plane arrives at 8PM at Philadelphia-3 hours from us), to return to school on Friday!!
I'm thinking that there is just no way that she can force her to go.
I can't believe a
I can't believe a responsible parent would opt to take their child out of AP courses to go to disneyworld. That's ridiculous, and I can't imagine a judge backing that decision at all. JMO though, who knows what they'd actually say, it sounds like it was left up in the air to be worked out, and in this case, it's not going to work out to BM's satisfaction...
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Maybe I'm missing something...
I don't know the whole story- doesn't sound like mom has a good relationship with SD13, do you think this would help, (in the end,) the relationship with some bonding time? I understand she's 13, and doesn't want to go, (and missing school is a huge deal- especially with harder classes,) but... she's still a little girl who needs guidance.
My SD8 tries to pull, "I don't wannas' all the time. We are stricter- but maybe because of her age.
I can imagine the BM is probably lashing out because she feels like she's losing SD13 more than she already has.
It must be really frustrating for you- Im so sorry.
If she doesn't want to go
I say that if she doesn't want to go, don't force her. They usually have 2 days per absence to make up missed work, at least here they do. However, it can be very hard to catch up on AP classes with that big of an absence.
For me the real question is why would idiot BM plan a trip of that duration during the school year? Does she think that Disney World is more important than school. Also, being from the S. Fla area, I know that if the ticket is purchased through AAA it can be returned with the receipt for your money. BM can even try to sell the ticket to a friend or ask one of SD 10s parents if they could come along. Although I would automatically say no because of the time missed from school. Another thing to consider is that unless she is doing Orlando theme parks in general such as Sea World, Universal Studios or Islands of Adventure a lot of teenagers get bored with DW fast because there are less thrill rides.
So, despite what BM thinks I would not force her and no judge is going to rule theme park over school. Ain't happenin if it should ever come to that which I doubt.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Bonding....
SD13 and BM do not have a good relationship. I had hoped that when she came to live with us, it would improve and it did for a while. But, after the trip to Outer Banks....it went down hill. SD13's sister is manipulative, and lies to BM about lots of things, and about her sister. BM is afraid to discipline SD10 when SD13 is around, or at all for that matter, because she has already used the line....I want to go live with daddy... and she is afraid of losing her too. When SD13 is with BM and SS10 she only receives hostility from BM - BM gets a attitude when things aren't going the way they planned, when the sisters fight and then the younger one gets an attitude and then they all end up at each others throats. I don't know, but as adults we know not to put ourselves in these type of situations. SD13 has a hard and steadfast rule system at our house, and they way she acts/treats BM is not tolerated at my house. I have no problem communicating to her when I am unhappy with her behavior. And you know what....she likes it. She knows if she tells me she "needs" something that she really wants, she won't get it.
The only thing that we waiver on with the "I don't wannas" is when she doesn't want to go see her mother.
A little history: When SD13 (when this started, she was
would get dropped off from our house after the weekend, while she still lived with BM... We would go to leave and SD13 would hang out the bedroom window and cry and scream for daddy to not leave her. Don't leave me here daddy..... It was heart wrenching! Her mother told her when she turned 12 she could make the decision to go live with dad. When she was 11, she made her own decision. Came to live with us right after she turned 12. The psychologist agreed that it was the best thing for her.
Growing up in an intact
Growing up in an intact home... I did not have the luxury of saying I was going to opt out of a family vacation.
This may not be the response you are looking for, but I think that SD13 shouldnt really have a say at this point. I think she should work w/her teachers ahead of time to get the assignments, and perhaps she can have a bulk of the work done BEFORE she goes to Disney.
Sorry.
Wow, I don't know any 13 y/o
Who would want to go to school when disney land is hovering over head. For her to not want to go, throws a big red flag. I personally would not ever schedule a vacation during school year when a child would have to miss more than 1 day, and that is pushing it for me. If I was in your shoes, I would just leave this on to dad to figure out. That way you remain on neutral territory with SD and BM. If there is going to be a bad guy, then you won't be it.
I'm sorry, this is a rare situation. Let us know how it goes...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Has to do with BM
You're right, SW....it does throw a big red flag. What do I do though? If I went to SD13 tomorrow and told her we (meaning her and I) were going to Disney - her eyes would light up and she would drive me nuts until it happened. As far as being neutral....I am. BM will have nothing to do with speaking with me. Dad does all the conversations. I really, really really wish that I could do something to improve the relationship between SD and BM. But I can't control BM and her actions. A new twist to the dilemma is that the HSA's (High School Assesments) testing that is required to be passed for graduation is the same week. At this point, the school has provided us with a good excuse. They are required tests for the students, and SD does NOT want to miss them.
Problem solved CC
I think you just solved the problem without looking to solve the problem this way.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.