I think the ex has finally won... :(
Today I feel as if I am at the end of my rope. As much as I have been trying to rationalize and be positive it feels as if it is over before it even began. I am not yet a stepmom, but I love my boyfriends son like my own and we just recently had a baby of our own this june. I love my family like crazy, but feel that my boyfriends custody/divorce battle has put such a strain on my want for us to just have a "normal" relationship. We have been together for quite sometime and recently I have been trying to talk about getting married. I come from a city that if you don't book a year in advance for someplace then your not going to get anything when the time comes around. But no matter how I bring it up to him it gets brushed off, and now I am getting the "well maybe in like the future". I know that line, and its a tommorrow never comes situation. Its not like we don't have a fantastic relationship together, its almost perfect. But I feel as if its time to take the next step and I get the impression that its the last thing he wants to do. It feels as if no matter how supportive of him I am, how much I love them both and do everything for them that it doesn't matter about what I want or what I need. I am not embelishing when I say that I do evrything for them, I work longer and harder then everyone else just to make sure that they are happy and have everything that they want, needless to say I don't see that comming back to me in the way that I want it to. I just want us to be a complete family and want us to get married and make what we already have going official. We both have grandmothers who are in their last years and it would mean the world to me if they could be there like I always told them that they would. Its a really hard feeling when all you want him to do is love you as hard as you knew he loved his ex. Thats where the problem lies. She is so much involved in our lives that it feels as if I am dating her instead some days. She has this "control" over my bf and no matter how many compliments I give him, she sends one his way and its as if she lit the sky (she used to treat him like crap apparently and she was the one who left their marriage four years ago) I feel as if I am living in a shadow somedays and even if he doesn't I feel like I have to compete with her, like I have to be better looking, thinner (which is hard when she's 5'11 and 100 pounds soaking wet lol)a better lover and smarter. I'm even petrified that if and when we actually get married that it will live in the shadow of how theirs was. I wouldn't even be shocked if she showed up at the wedding with pictures of when her and my bf were married to steal the show. Their divorce has been so bloody and overdrawn that I think that marriage has really put a bad taste into his mouth although everyone wants us to make it official, especially his mother that loves me like crazy. I don't know what to do, when he gives me the "later on" talk it makes me feel as if I should back away completely and walk out the door, but I love them so what should I do?
You're a Saint...not an Angel...
You're an Angel too...you sound like a complete sweetheart...and therein lies the problem. It's too easy for him -- you do everything for him and his son, and he knows he doesn't need to make the marriage commitment because he's getting everything he wants without doing that. If the divorce was so bloody and overdrawn, why does he "light up" from a compliment from BM? That's just crazy. Since his mom loves you, why not tell her everything you've told us? She'll set him straight -- and if that doesn't work, I think he needs an ultimatum from you.
:(
His mom is in complete support of us both getting married, the woman already has flowers picked out and everything lol, but she has also been complexed by the last marriage and so she really tried to let her son do his own thing and only step in when she feels she really needs to. I would back away from doing everything but then Im sure that he would see it as me "doing nothing" you know? I don't have the heart to ultimatum because he's not the type that would like to get backed into a corner, and I would be scared that he would jump the gun and put us ten steps back rather then one forward.
You deserve far better than this...
You could tell him that you need some time to figure out what you want and that you are going to move out so that you can figure things out. Show him what it is like to live without you because you are a huge part of his life and he has become accustom to you doing everything for him and being there for him and his child. It is great that you have the support of his mother, but that isn't who's support you need, you need his. You deserve to feel like you are his one and only. And right now you sound like you feel like you are his second choice. You shouldn't have to feel like this, and it is his job to make you feel like you are his partner in life. Ask him why he is so hesitant to make it official now...find out his answer. Don't let him put you off with the "maybe sometime in the future" crap, because then you will be forever waiting. AngleCakes you are a great woman and you deserve a great man right beside you. I wish you luck. Keep us posted.
Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane.
~Dogbert
Stand up girl
You deserve someone who wants to honor you as his wife, and the mother of his child (since that is what you want, if you didn't care that would be different). I think too, that you are making it too easy on him by living with him and doing 'everything' for him.
Try to tell him in a serious conversation that you want to get married and if he doesn't, he needs to let you know, now (or some acceptable timeframe - one month? how long have you been together?) It doesn't matter if it makes him feel weird to be put on the spot, if he wants you he will want to make you happy too! Does he have some acceptable reason for putting it off?
Re. ex, I notice she did not have to endure this, why should you? Make him feel bad, he needs to commit or get off the pot! Either way I would start preparing, financially and emotionally, to be on your own, don't let this continue honey, its not right!
Of course, be sure to get child support thru the courts if he refuses to decide. Please let us know what happens!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Does he act committed?
Do his actions speak louder than the words "I do"? If it's been four years since she left and the divorce battle has been ugly it's entirely likely that he loves you like mad but just can't bring himself to say those words again until everything settles down in his mind. Men seem to either jump right back in to marriage without doing the processing they should, or they take FOREVER to get there. If you feel and he behaves like he loves you and you are a family then maybe cut him a little slack to work things through. It sucks going through this stage with someone but if other than the not-ready-for-marriage issue things are good it might be worth hanging in there.
I know I'm kind of on the opposite side of the fence on this one from other advice but you say that the relationship is almost perfect and I think if you let him take the time to put his "baggage" away where it belongs in the first place it will serve you well in the long run.
Good Luck, and do let us know how it's going.
Angel sweetie!
Sounds like he has so much emotional baggage right now that he is a bit soured on marriage - at the moment. I'm sure in time when he gets this woman out of his hair and things have calmed down he will be ready to move on and marry you. Hopefully he can set up some boundaries with his ex and stick with them, get his custody and divorce straightened out and be able to BREATHE. I'm sure he loves you madly and wants a life with you - let it go for now and revisit when he gets his settlement over and done with. Take care of yourself. And one more thing just cuz his ex is some skinny amazon woman who gives a crap. Do not put yourself down - I can tell you from experience I have dated some really good looking men and after I got to know them I saw how ugly they were in side and thus the physical attraction faded for me. I'm sure he looks at his ex the same way and even tells himself I can't believe I was ever with her! UCK!
What a nightmare for you
The previous comments are very good advice but I feel like I need to mention what you said about the ex being a better lover and smarter? I guess the smarter aspect could be conjecture on your part---though how smart can she be to have left her husband when he's a great guy? As for the lover part. If he's put that idea into your head, I think it's something to consider. THAT IS A NO NO. My DH has never brought that kind of stuff up and every time I ask about an ex wife detail, he always says, "I don't know. I can't remember." For years I thought it was scary how his memory had lapsed but now, at 37, I think I get that he was trying to keep the peace over the years. LOL! You seem very kind and probably feel self conscious in the situation. I cannot give too much advice on that because I used to be in the same shoes and felt all the same things. I still don't know enough to help but you have my support.
I think that all the build
I think that all the build up over this time about his constant struggle to obtain more time with his son and get his ex out of his hair is an understatement. He is definetly a family man and with as bad as things get with his ex he really tries to keep me at bay so that I don't get hurt in the process. I know he loves me and respects me. Its just a tough time because he has been going through these custody evaluations that hes paying out of his rear for and all this psycologist is asking him is "what made you fall in love with her" what were her good qualities?" "what were your greatest memories with her" its like this man is trying to save their marriage or something, when in fact I find out thats exactally what his ex wants to do by reminding him about how great they were... so here i am having to sit through all that :sick: , when really its like scratching old wounds for my bf. Perhaps when this is all said and done then maybe all you ladies are right he will be able to get rid of the baggage and move on..hopefully!
I think he will...
but that sure doesn't make it any less difficult for you now. I really sympathize with you going through this, in a perfect world they'd have all this done before they get involved with us but I know (believe me I know!) that just isn't how it works out sometimes. I can only tell you that in the long run (5 years now) mine was worth it, it sounds like yours will be too. In the mean time don't forget to take a little extra time and do nice things for yourself too!