This is getting so old...
I'm engaged to a wonderful woman, and she and her 15-yr old daughter have lived with me for the past year. For the mom, who has been single and struggling for 12 years, its a great situation and we have a dream relationship. That is...when the daughter is not intruding on it and trampling it to shit. She's rude...crude..fat...lazy...disrespectful...flunking school...
Her BF doesn't pay his child support, and I've been happy to support her fat ass for the last year that they've lived with me. And yet, she makes it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me and still thinks her loser dad is a superhero. She thinks nothing of running up my phone bill or grocery bill or handing me the bill for her school fees and yet gets furious with her mom when her mom asks the BF for child support. Its so frustrating...
I'm starting to feel some serious resentment building up, and lately I've been taking it out on my fiance. I guess I feel that her parenting is too passive, that its all about forgive and forget without proper discipline or lessons learned. She asks me for advice, unless I get too critical at which point she gets furious with me. The daughter shows no remorse about any of her actions, and I just know that I'm going to get angrier and angrier. If she were my kid, I'd have her enrolled in sports, community programs (our community has a parks program guide thats as thick as a holiday catalogue). And yet her mother seems so afraid to confront her and get her fat ass to do anything. Its not that she's afraid, its that she's beat down from all the years of doing it on her own.
I'm afraid I'm going to completely blow up...and I do love my fiance like I never thought I could love someone. Help...
Where to begin
First off, if you guys are ever going to have a chance at happiness you and fiancee need to be on the same page. From here on out no more name calling. I think sometimes when we look at the size of a kid and they tend to do horrible disrespectful things, it becomes easy for us to rationalize our behavior or speak to or about them. You are the adult, you be the bigger person and model that which you would like to see in her. No, you don't care for her all too much right now and the truth is that may never change, but please refrain from calling her a Fat a$$.
Next, you and your fiance need to sit down and set out the rules on how things are going to be handled as far as respect, behavior, chores, school, extra-curricular, volunteering, whatever that is for you guys.
Once you guys have a clear cut plan that you are in agreement with, then the both of you should sit down with 15 year old and lay down the law. 15 y.o. is not going to like it and is even going to rebel against it, but if you guys remain united and consistent she will more than likely figure out that it is easier to go along to get along, at least for the next 3 years when she will be of age when she can get to stepping.
I'm sure you are going to hear many more valuable ways to deal with this situation and I hope for the sake of your relationship that one of them works for you. In any event, Good Luck.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
I don't think it's likely
that you and your fiance are going to be able to sit down with SD15 and make her see the error of her ways. Fact is, she's not your kid and you can't make her do anything. Even trying will sometimes only lead to more resentment from both SD and fiance. I had the same experience with my BS15 on the BF issue. Although he's starting to give up on it, he always held onto the idea that his father was something greater than he was. I was not about to burst his bubble. I knew in time, unfortunately, he'd figure it out.
It is important for you and fiance to set boundaries with SD that let her know that you and fiance are a team now. Not fiance and SD. Your relationship is suffering. Does your fiance see this? She's got to be onboard otherwise you are really powerless. Change sucks, and SD will enter kicking and screaming, but if you and fiance are consistent SD will eventually understand that she is not calling the shots.
I'm a single parent and it does wear you down after many years of playing the role of both mother and father to a child that learns at an early age how to press your buttons, but it's no excuse for fiance to allow SD to destroy your relationship.
I hope that fiance understands the pressure this all puts on you and works with you to keep your relationship strong.
I'm hoping you were just venting with the ass comment and would never say something like that to SD or fiance.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Very valid points
Maybe they won' be able to sit 15 y.o down and have her see the error of her ways, but sitting her down and attesting to the fact together that she will not run the house is necessary. It's not a matter of if she will or won't go along. We all know that more than likely she will not, but for his sanity and the sake of their relationship the discussion needs to take place.
My BD was 13 when DH came into the picture. Up until that time it had only been she and I. Although she liked him, she still resented the fact that she now had to share her mom with someone else. Very difficult for only children, especially in the teenage years. BD was sassy at the mouth initially. The turning point was when she got out and out disrespectful at the mouth with the whole "you're not my daddy, you can't tell me what..." Before she could finish the sentence I had jacked her up and was in her a$$ about her disrespect. For me it was not the fact that she was treading new grounds... For me it was the fact that win, lose or draw, she needed to show him the respect he deserved BECAUSE he was her elder. I didn't give a cookie monster whether she liked him or not. RESPECT is a universal principle. If more of our kids showed that we SM/SD would ultimately not be experiencing half the crap that we do. Many may not agree with my tactics, but I assure you that it got results. BD only had to try that trick once. And for the record, no it was not me choosing a man over her, it was about her being out of place. Teenager or not...still a child!
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
"And for the record, no it
"And for the record, no it was not me choosing a man over her, it was about her being out of place. Teenager or not...still a child!"
Children grow up and move on with their own lives (we hope :)). I think most eventually realize mom/dad needed a life of their own too. I know I was bitter for many years and felt like my mother and father just forgot about me when they got divorced and moved in other directions with new relationships. In reality, I couldn't have expected them to care only about me until I was ready to share them. They did what they had to do.
And, they probably wanted to forget about me because I was a little bitter shit. LOL If only we really understood as much as we thought we did during our teenage years.
It all takes time......
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
I'm a biomom...
of a "fat ass" 12yo...
He has self described himself as a lazy genius. He's uber smart but refuses to work at ANYTHING.
But I'll tell you this, the mama bear in me rages when any other living soul crticizes my baby.
Approach your fiance with kind words and helpful suggestions. Like what you said about the sports and community programs. ANY kid should jump at the chance to participate in extra curricular activity. It's a requirement in my home...EVERY child needs to belong to some sort of positive outlet - whether it be sports, church activities, or whatever.
My little lazy angel plays baseball...not much running required. He's no Derek Jeter but he loves it. Girl 'fat asses' make great catchers in softball.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I feel for you Ill...
I say sit down with your fiance, give her some good wine and good food and tell her this:
"Sweetheart, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love your daughter, but it's killing me the way she's treating me, our relationship, you and mostly, HERSELF. For the next 3 years, I want to help you raise her to be an amazing young woman, like her mother. How can I help you do that?" See what she says...
Agree
with Cruella. I wouldn't pay for anything if she is not being respectful and getting passing grades. When you rescue damsels in distress you get distressed damsels.
Agree
with Cruella. I wouldn't pay for anything if she is not being respectful and getting passing grades. When you rescue damsels in distress you get distressed damsels.
My friend was in exactly the
My friend was in exactly the same situation as you. His fiance moved in with him and after a few months her 14yr old twin sons moved in. Four years down the line he has just split up with her. From the start she would not let him discipline them or have any decent input in how they were raised while living under his roof. As a consequence of this, they had no respect for him and smashed his house up and threatned him.
My friend is a school teacher so could have been a great help to them but she would not hear any criticism of them. Over four years I have seen my friend loose self respect, his temper over the way they treat him and his home and now he has lost the woman he loved. They ran up his phone bill to £900 and got him into debt as he helped them out financially.
Put your foot down and nip this in the bud NOW. If the sd does not start to respect you and the mother does not back you up im afraid its a lost cause and just a matter of when, not if you break up. If your fiance will not back you up and support you then move on before its to late. You will invest time, emotion, money and numerous other things into this relationship and it will all be for nothing.
Sit her down and talk to her about it. Get a book on step parenting if needs be and explain how distructive this behaviour will be if allowed to continue.
I think down deep,
probably both mom and bd are both feeling a bit insecure. For mom, she has been on her own for so long with bd, without support from a partner, obviously her ex is no help. It is probably scarring her that bd has these idealations of father and will take her love away and give it to daddy dearest. As for daughter, she has had 0 father figure and that is what is her normal, so by having you as father figure now she doesn't know how to respond. Then, there is you, the only normal you know is how you were raised and lessons your parents taught, and I'm sure it makes you crazy. It did me !!
I understand how you feel though, you may vent all you want here! I agree with cruella about earning your belongings and being able to be responsible. Respect is crucial !! I'll tell ya, it is not going to be an easy 3 years (and then it keeps going - there is no such thing as a magical number of 18) 15y/o are difficult in a normal family situation. You love your lady, so I am sure you will find a way to work it out. Have you tried disengaging?
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
PS: GO ILLINI !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
been there...
Kinda was in the same spot but my skids weren't big, just the disrespect. My DH and I dated a year and then got married, I think we moved way to fast to sort this type of stuff out.
His kids; (at the time) 15,13, and 8.. mine 11 and 10.
The skids felt they shouldn't have to listen, and didn't like that I brought "new rules" into their dads house.
They lived with my DH for two years and things weren't as strict without BM there. So many other issues came into play with BM
trying to cause problems but eventually DH and I just agreed
he ultimately disciplined his kids and I did mine.
We did offer our input on certain situations. With them being older it caused way to many problems.
So my suggestion is as many above have said ... discuss this with your fiance get it all out and see how this will be handled.
Don't argue over it just know it's unlikely to work out if you two can't talk this out together, prior to marriage.
About the bio dad?? Why is he not paying CS?? SD shouldn't even be involved with that. He is required to pay.
My kids certainly don't know the back amount owed by their dad...
Your fiance needs to set something up by the AG's office, it's a slow system but it works.
thanks everyone
Hey all...thanks to everyone that replied. Lots of wisdom being shared... Had a long talk with the fiance, and she helped me understand the SD resentment towards me stems from the disappointment she feels in her own father. I guess she told her mom that it actually makes her angry that I'm so good to them and her father is so dispicable...Twisted!!! She resents me for treating her well!!! Bless her heart...I know that she's going through alot trying to reconcile her feelings about her own dad, having to share her mother with me (another huge source of resentment). I guess what is hardest for me is that she uses all of these things as excuses for her failures... I want her to be happy and successful. I've tried so hard to be helpful to her. I want to see her do well, more than she wants it for herself. I've backed WAY off; problem is that its a delicate balance between "You can't tell me that you're not my dad" and "Mom...he never pays any attention to me anymore." Kinda catch-22
Hey Illi
If it is any consolation to you, there is hope! BD had to initiate any relationship with her Bio-D if there was going to be one. She felt as a kid it would be great for him to come to her or call her sometimes. She eventually lost ALL interest in him and just continued her relationship with her siblings via phone calls and myspace. BD will be 21 in December and views DH as her "Dad" her words not mine. She adores DH and respects the fact that he treats her as his own. Keep plugging away and give her time.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
help i need it bad ?
i am a mother of three my first children is from a previous relationship my younger two are from the man i am with now
i have been with him for 8 years he is a wonderful man for the most part but he has a bad habit of verbally abusing my oldest daughter when out of line i talk one to one with him to remind him of certain conversations we have had in the past
its been six years now that we have had these reminderes every 3- 4 weeks same thing over and over he choses to do nothing but repeat bad behaviours
i talk to my oldest daughter and tell her how much i love her but is that enough to undo the damages already done by his cruel and unsual words
please would be interested in any comments given or possible solutions