mediation mayhem
i just found out today that when my fiancee and psycho BM went to mediation, the mediator disregarded what they wanted re: holidays and wrote up what she felt was best for the kid. now, for those of u who read my posts, the plan wasnt agreed on at the last minute by my fiancee bc of BMs abuse allegations and we are in the process of meeting w the GAL etc etc...BUT i just couldnt believe this! what is it w missouri not letting people decide how to run their own lives and parent their kids?!
first my fiancee couldnt give up custody, even though BM agreed bc the judge doesnt think its in the best interests of SD. fine whatever.
now i find out that mediator made them split up holidays in a ridiculous way...they had a rotating schedule in place b4 this so when they talked about holidays, my fiancee suggested the same...the mediator actually told them that some holidays, like HALLO-freakin-WEEN should be spent w both!! BM even disagreed but mediator wrote up something like 3 hrs for BM and then 3 hrs for us, completely disregarding the fact that each of them may have schedules that conflict w this or whatever. same for christmas...now what if OUR family is celebrating at noon but we dont get her til 6?? u see my point?
i just cant believe that this woman is telling them, no forcing them, to parent their kid a certain way, especially when thats not what they want and whats logically best for them...
UGH!!!
has anyone heard of such a thing??? i was told by a woman in the courts that the mediator cannot force anything upon u...
What the concept of this is
What the concept of a mediator is to help both sides come to an agreeable plan. They are to listen to both sides, clarify if needed and OFFER suggestions. They are there to guide the parties and draw something up that is mutually agreeable....period.
Is there anyway that you can request another mediator? Maybe check into this...if they ask the reasons, state what has taken place with this one. I would also lay a formal "written" complaint & ask for them to respond in writing what their method of correction is to rectify this nonsense. Keep a copy of this letter for your records!
Corie
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Mediators are not alloud to change court orders. I was talking about this w/ my DH last night, and he reminded me of that. Especially if both parties want the original visitation order to stay the same. The only way court order visits are to be changed is in court....mediators can only "recommened" things, they are not supposed to change and dictate when & how you see your skid. Let her try to change whatever she wants.....my DH refused to cooperate w/ our mediator, and told her she was fired (Don Trump moment), then we saw the skids when we could,and when it was practical. following the original order,that was already in place...nothing more. If the BM agrees with any suggestions DH makes, than follow it. F- the mediator. ~ " I started out clean, now, I'm jaded"~ Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20
I would request a new mediator and tell the judge why
This is regular mediation correct? Not high conflict coordination, right?
Because mediators aren't even really supposed to suggest. The best trained mediators will only referee. So if the two parties agree on something, like what you just described, the mediators aren't to interfere. They are not the same as a GAL and don't represent the child at all.
In high conflict parent coordination, the mediators have far more leeway. They can say, "I don't think you are putting the child first here." BUT they STILL don't make these kind of micro-managed declarations that you're talking about. My mediator crossed the line many times, and the only way I knew she did was that I know 3 different mediators and asked they're opinion. One of them is the most requested mediator in Stark county and another is a high conflict parent coordinator.
I would at the very least ask what this mediator's qualifications are.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
PS This sounds like the mediator is acting like a GAL
The GAL does make such recommendations, though these are ridiculous and I wouldn't think most GALs would even go there. But they are the only one who can make recommendations to the judge. Unless this varies state to state, our mediator's report may have gone to the GAL, but the court/judge wouldn't ever see the document.
This was good for us as our "mediator" put all kinds of personal evaluations into her report to try to stroke BM's ego. "BM is very loving, very organized, very concerned, very caring, compassionate...thanked me repeated for trying to help them..." etc etc. All she said about DH was he was "cooperative."
One word.
We were appalled.
Then our attorney let us know that the mediator wasn't supposed to evaluate us like that.
What an idiot. I have considered going into this field. I don't think there are enough good people doing it.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
thats what i thought
b4 they went i even called the court and the court told me they were referees only. we're gonna wait and see what happens at court. once BM lokks like an idiot w her phony abuse clamis, im not sure what the judge will do. will he order visitation based on the GALs recommendations? will he try to enstate the plan they worked out in mediation? will they go to mediation again? whatever the case, i told FH to tell the judge what mediator did or even maybe speak to her lawyer and see if she can just draw up the plan like she did the first time and have the judge review it. if not, they need a new mediator. i AM NOT letting FH and myself get screwed w visitation we dont want and wont work for us OR BM just bc its what the stupid MEDIATOR think sis best. also, im really sick of everyone acting like this is a child of divorce who is 10...shes 2 1/2 and only lived w dad for a yr. while it sucks, its just not possible to expect that kind of time share given BM and the situation here.
so frustrated. thanks for all yr insight...
We had that happen
The mediator that DH and BM went to see had a full little synopsis that was sent directly to the judge so that the judge could see who was actually willing to compromise and to get a "feel" of the case from the mediator. If they had agreed in mediation it would still have to have formal papers for the judge to sign off on for it to be enforceable.
In DH's case if mediation didn't work then the judge said he would make a decision.
mediation was kinda put on hold i guess
until the GAL talks to everyone...we are gonna try to email her lawyer w a revised parenting plan, which is closer to what (i think) both fiancee and BM want more than what the mediator forced them into. hopefully BM will agree and lawyer can draw it up and they can present it at court. this might show the judge some good faith but the issues w BM and what shes doing to us still need to be brought up. i dont even know if the judge would allow this...no one seems to care what the actual parents want, can handle and live w, but we'll hope for the best.
i think the agreement
they drew up in mediation is out the window...bc when they went to court my FH said he couldnt agree bc of her latest accusations of abusse...so the judge appointed the GAL etc etc...im just afraid that if we dont try to work w laywer on getting something drawn up b4 they go back to court, we may end up w alot more visitation than we actually want.
my FH though was gonna sign that piece of shit until i told him, NO the mediator absolutely CANNOT decide how u 2 are to parent yr kid and how u are to handle visitation!
It must vary state to state then
Because our mediation papers never made it to court. Perhaps if they had agreed it would have, but I'm still thinking it would have as a modified shared parenting plan not a mediation agreement.
In our case BM caved at 3pm the day before court, when her attorney showed her the GAL report. She told DH recently that the we and judge took SD away from her. DH said, "No....you gave in." BM said, "Oh is THAT how it was!" And DH replied, "That's exactly how it was. I remember because we were disappointed our attorney never got to question you in front of a judge."
Of course BM hung up. In addition to her amazing math skills (nine days in a week) she seems to have fantastic selective memory.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks