Trying to a create boundary, but it isn't working
I have a daughter (9) that is an introvert. She will participate in activities but when we are home she needs her time alone to recharge. She's petite and a very finicky eater. She's a very sequential child. If left to her own devices when she is here one wouldn't even know she was in the house. The child enjoys being here but likes her alone time in her room. She likes to read, collect bugs, and work on crafts.
My problem is trying to get my fiance (she lives with me) to back off and leave her alone. I've tried every way of trying to explain to let my daughter be short of being blunt and rude. My fiance is trying to win her over and my daughter just isn't into that.
I told my fiance to try and overlook her this weekend and that went over like a lead balloon. I got this guilt trip spiel about she would feel awkward in her own home by not interacting with my daughter so I told her to do what she felt she needed to do. The problem is I don't really feel that way. I want her to back off!
My fiance also gets offended if my daughter won't eat what she fixes. My daughter likes bread and fruit - that's about it. She's been that way all her life and I told my fiance this from the start.
My fiance's son lives here as well and I have established several boundaries that have been essential for us to have a positive relationship; however, I cannot understand why my fiance cannot recongnize she should do the same thing. Especially since I have talked to her about this about three times already.
i agree w fearless completely
in fact, i couldnt have said it better myself!
have u explained to yr fiancee the way yr daughter is just as u have explained to us? if not, please do and if so, then i think u just need to reassure her bc shes probably feeling very awkward and out of place and just wants yr daughters approval so badly that she doesnt realize shes making it worse. also, i agree w fearless, yet again, that your daughter needs to spend a bit of time w her too...maybe even something y'all can do together if that would make it more comfortable for her.
im guessing this is all just bc everyone is feeling kinda out of place w the new roles...i think we all get like that at times.
Well said Fearless!!
Applecore, what Fearless said! We women do tend to overthink and worry about things. Just communicate and be patient.
Georgie
It all comes down to the food.
The issue over the food says it all for me. I think it's all related. Your fiance is fixing meals that your daughter won't eat. She's trying to make a connection with your child, who isn't interested in forming a relationship with her. You've set all sorts of boundaries with her son, which I assume she has backed you up on, but then you're not backing her up when it comes to your daughter. I think the food thing totally illustrates what's going on. Your fiance is the one making all the effort, your daughter is not reciprocating, and instead of supporting your fiance, you're making excuses for your daughter. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that this is pretty close to your fiance's perspective on the situation. True or not, I bet she feels this way.
Look, I fix one meal. One. Everyone eats it. Period. There are no special meals for anyone. You eat what's in front of you. You try a little of everything on your plate. Everyone's entitled to have their favorites and I definitely take that into consideration and not make things that my family members absolutely hate, but the rule is that there's one meal fixed in my house and we all share it. If fiance's son is expected to eat what's in front of him while your daughter is allowed to subsist on bread and fruit, then there are going to be problems. Finicky or not, she needs a balanced diet. If you've set rules for fiance's son, established boundaries with him and have gotten fiance's support in this, then you have to make a similar effort to back up fiance with her own boundaries. The boundary thing works both ways. You're definition of "boundary" means something to protect your daughter from, what? Interference or unwanted involvement with your fiance? But your fiance may be trying to set a boundary where she feels respected as your co-equal in the home. Fiance may expect your daughter to acknowledge her presence in her own home, which is just basic respect, in my opinion. They don't have to spend hour upon hour braiding each other's hair and singing Kumbaya, but if you intend to marry this woman AND keep your daughter and her son in your lives, then you really should be encouraging your daughter to acknowledge your fiance's presence and to participate in the family atmosphere. Not 100% of the time, she definitely has a right to enjoy some alone time, but certainly at least part of the time. That's just what families do.
I have a 10yo son who is a lot like your daughter. He has an active social life, but when he's not with friends, he wants nothing more than to be locked in his room with his books on evolution, his Pokemon cards, his art supplies and his Nintendo DS. He could probably stay in his room all day without interacting with anyone and be perfectly happy. He had a really hard time adjusting when I married DH and he gained new siblings, as well as a new stepdad, all at once. It was a big change. He went from being an only child to one of five. He was used to his "alone time" and I had to make sure he did get plenty of that. But I also had to make sure that he had plenty of exposure to and interaction with his new family members. That's how you become a family... proximity, interaction, involvement, conversation, participation.
My advice is to sit down with fiance and find out exactly what her expectations are when it comes to your daughter and find out what she expects of you as far as supporting her as a co-parent in the home to both the children. Then find a compromise that suits you both. I would start encouraging your daughter to participate more in the family, to eat a little bit of everything on her plate, to acknowledge her stepmother-to-be's presence and role in the family and to be appreciative of the effort your fiance is making to forge a relationship with her. Becoming a stepmother is hard work. It's impossible work if you don't have the support of your stepchildren's father.
You have to find some compromise, else it'll never work. You can't be raising your daughter one way while she is raising her son a totally different way in the same house. If you can't come to a meeting of the minds on how you will parent both children equally and the same together, then give it up now.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I'd have to say
Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you tolerate her son basically ignoring you? I know all kids have their own personalities, and that's fine. But you have to make an effort somewhere. Do you really want you daughter to eat only bread and fruit? Petite for a 9 year old child because of being a picky eater is nothing short of a bad diet. It's akin to anorexia. I have my 7 year old niece who lives with me. She's only been here a month and people think she's malnutrition because she is so little. It's sad and not at all healthy. Of course, that's why your the parent, to set those rules and make sure they are healthy.
Your finance no doubt believes that you are issuing her a double standard. an "I can set boundaries with your son but you cannot set boundaries with my daughter." I know, that's not what you mean, but Fearless said it right, we are women and we tend to over analyze things.
You are the parent, you should be having your daughter learn to participate more in family matters and at least acknowledge the other people in the household. Encourage her to try some new foods. Start with something you know she likes and add one thing she usually doesn't eat. Keep doing this until she has a few more choices that bread and fruit. Like Georgia, I fix one meal for 6 people and if they don't like it, they don't have to eat it, but they don't get anything else either. I also, like Georgia, tend to fix the meals I know they will eat. I also will fix each child their favorite meal at least once a week, so everyone gets to have their favorite at some point.
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
How long???
How much time have your daughter and fiance spent around each other? Obviously you have known your BD all of her life. Maybe your fiance isn't as perceptive about your BD and her needs / wants as you are. I agree with Fearless in that your fiance might feel that if your BD doesn't like her then it will make you rethink whether or not this is the right woman for you and the right SM for your BD.
As for the part about your fiance feeling awkward trying to ignore your daughter I can see where see is coming from. If my DH asked me to ignore one of my SKids I would feel the same way. I make it a point to do things with the SKids when we have them so they feel they are a part of our lives and our family and so they don't feel like they are just "weekend visitors" or simply "company" in our house.
Have your fiance and daughter been able to connect on anything? There must be something that they have been able to do together. Encourage your daughter and fiance to do those things together that have connected on and then your fiance will get to know your BD better and be able to understand her wants/needs the way you do.
Have your fiance and BD ever sat down and had a talk to try to get to know each other? I agree that it would be good for your fiance to hear from you that your BD really does like her, but it would go a lot farther with your fiance to actually hear it from your BD. Once your fiance knows that your BD does like her then it may be easier to accept that your BD isn’t being disrespectful to her. And in turn your fiance might be able to "back off" as you put it.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!
Thanks
I appreciate the insight from the several different viewpoints. I'm going to keep working on the situation. This weekend was a bit rocky at first but ended on a good note.
I would like to clarify a few things though because I was vague in my initial post. After I re-read it I realized I made it sound as if my daughter lives off of apples and wonder bread. She does have a healthy diet she is just very picky. I should have been more specific. She'll eat pasta dishes with vegetables, certain casseroles, and several Italian dishes. I did make it sound as if she might have an eating disorder. Male definition of bread = things bread-like or things with bread in them or things associated with bread. That was my actual thought process when I typed that. HAHA, my bad.
Also, no one in our home ignores anyone else. If I inferred people were being ignored I didn't mean to. I wouldn't tolerate that. My daughter does respond to my fiance she just doesn't initialize very many conversations. I'd say the ration is 1:8.
I do have a few more questions from you all. First off, is it fiance or fiancee? One is male and one is female and I have no idea which is which.
Ok. On the food situation I make three dishes that her son will not eat. I just toss him something into the toaster oven and he eats that while we have what I made. No big deal. Now, I'm old enough to know that not every situation is a two-way street. Is this one of those situations where genders differ and it is not the same thing?
After reading all the input I'm thinking maybe I need to have my fiance talk to me about my kids and what we can do to help her feel things are more balanced.
Here's an example that will give some insight into the dynamic that is going on here. Her son's grades were poor when we met. I work with him on his homework because she simply does not have the time. We have made some decent progress; however, a while back I became quite exasperated with him over his spelling. I make him get a 50% on Monday and increase it 10% each day. On one particular Thursday I spent 4 hours with him on test attempts. 10% is only 2 more correct words a day - I don't think that is asking too much. I felt if he didn't want to take the time to learn the words why waste my time taking test after test. So now I give him 2 attempts a day. If he can't make the set goal then he goes to his room until she gets home. That's an example of a boundary that I have set with him.
My kids are here for 27 hours a week. There just isn't enough time for the same types of issues I have had with her son to develop. Not saying there won't be issues but it seems impossible for them to be the same type of issues. I'm now starting to think because I have had many talks with her about her son perhaps she feels she needs to have talks with me about mine. After this weekend I started seeing it as if maybe she is trying to compete.
I'll see if perhaps I can get her to type me a letter and maybe that will help her get her feelings out in the open. Again, thanks for helping me look at this from different points of view.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17
Custodial vs. Non-custodial - Applecore
Okay, now I think I get it. Her son lives with you most of the time, your daughter lives with her mother most of the time. Things ARE going to be different for visiting kids than kids who live there. Not rules or anything like that. I mean, you have to have ONE discipline plan that applies to everyone, kids and skids alike, that is 100% supported and enforced by both parents. The quantity of time that you spend with her son is more than the quantity of tiem you spend with your daughter, so you're right, there are going to be more opportunities for contact between you and hers than between her and yours. Fiance (actually, I think it's fiancee for female, fiance for male) doesn't have as much exposure to your daughter as you do to her son. You have more of an opportunity to be hands-on with him because he lives there. There's no way it's ever going to be equal exposure, equal involvement, equal participation, etc. as long as one lives in the home and the other visits. I don't know if it's competition, trying to prove herself to be a good stepmother, maybe trying to "reimburse" you for all you do for her son. Could be any number of things. I think you're totally on the right track with asking her how she feels and going from there. Find out what her expectations are, not just of her kids, but of herself. How does she see her role as stepmother to visiting kids? How does she see her role as your wife, supporting you as a non-custodial father and custodial stepfather? How does she see the division of labor when it comes to raising the kids? I think you ask her these things from the perspective of enriching your relationship and family and see what you get back. It could be new stepmother over-enthusiasm or it might be a "you did it to my kid, so I can do it to your kid" type thing. You'll never know unless you ask!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Wow
Introverts be damned! Sorry guys, but that's the message I'm reading here.
I'm an introvert & a step daughter. People who violate my space end up being hated by me. When I need you to back off, I'll tell you, & then you'd better back off. I think you're fiance needs to stop forcing a bond there. Let it happen naturally. My mother tried to force a bond between me & my stepfather, & we're both introverts. It DID make it worse. Since I stepped back & disengaged, we've been getting along great. I was even at the house this past weekend & my SF was treating me like he enjoyed my company! I couldn't believe it!
As an introvert, I'd say the best way for your fiance to approach your daughter is to invite her into whatever she is doing, & let her join in when she feels comfortable. And don't take it personally if it takes time. Eventually she'll come around unless your fiance tries to force her way in.
Food is another subject altogether. If your daughter won't eat what is cooked then she can fix her own food or go hungry. Your fiance is not running a restaurant.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
How does your daughter feel?
How does you daughter feel about this situation? Does she think your fiance is pushing in some way or is this your interpretation of how your daughter feels? I think it would be good for your daughter and fiance to have a sit down talk about this and come to an agreement on their own that hopefully suits them both. In stead of you being in the middle let them talk about it so you don't end up just being a messenger who could get the message a little mixed up when you try to deliver it back and forth.
That's just the way I would try to handle it if it were me.
Applecore, how does your BD feel?
I keep thinking about this one today... I feel sory for your fiance because it sounds like she may be trying too hard to feel like she fits in with your daughter.
Is this issue coming up because of something your daughter said to you/your fiance or just something that you see as an issue? Has your daughter said something to you or your fiance about needing some space or just wanting to be left alone?
I really think opening the lines of communication between your fiance and your daughter would go along way toward both of them understanding each other better and then building on the relationship one step at a time from there.
I wish you good luck on this one.
Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!
Making a plan
I think we came up with something to get this smoothed out. We are going to list what we expect out of each child. We also realized (which someone here pointed out) we have different parenting styles. So we are going to "nail down" house rules so we can both be on the same page.
Once finished were going to go over the house rules with all the kids and then find out what they expect out of us. Hopefully this will give my daughter a chance to open up. It sounds good in theory! Hope it doesn't end up like that video someone posted, "Yup, Good, Dunno, Sorta." Anyhow, thanks all.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17