Steamrolling ex wife!! Can you help me?
So we have had our share of up and downs. I have two step kids. I've been around them most of their lives. Now the kids are 6 and 4. The ex has always been hell bent on hating me no matter what I did. I love my skids SOO much and I want to do everything with them and for them....but I know that I can only do what the ex is comfortable with because it's more important that we can all get along for the kids sake. The ex is very controlling!! Very!! Recently we have all been getting along. My DH and I try not to rock the boat with her because she can be so mean. We don't have it in us to do the whole "we'll show her". She has always been really insecure about me and I've always tried to let her know that she is the mom and I'm not trying to take her place. She even tried to take us to court so I couldn't be in my step daughters class to help out. Here is the problem. First things started to settle down and now they're worse. My DH and I have realized that it's ok to let her do certain things or let her think she's in control of certain things as long as we're all happy in the end. NOW SHE'S EVERYWHERE!! She takes control of everything. My DH is so mellow and the ex is so loud and embarrassing. If my DH does a project at the kids school the ex tries to take it over. She will talk to the teachers and tell them what she wants to do and they'll say ok thinking nothing is wrong. She'll tell him "I've got it from here and have it all figured out". If the kids get an invitation to a birthday party and its our day she will tell us that she is coming too. My step daughter got an invitation to a drop off only and pick up bday party. It was our day but the ex told us that she wanted to go so she was going to ask the kids mom if she could come too. HELLO!! Who does that? My DH was going to coach my skids soccer team and he actually asked the ex to step back and let him have this one because she gets to do everything else. The ex said no problem. But the ex called and called and called the head guy until she got the roster for the team and all the numbers and just made herself the contact person for the team. She sent an email to everyone saying to call her with any questions and at the bottom she put my DH name as coach. it would be too embarrassing for him to correct everyone and she knows that. That's why she does it. My DH is so upset. She has made it so she will be at every one of the kids swim lessons.They're just half hour lessons two days a week but she told us "I told the kids I'd be there every time".....she's going to coach for them this summer....we can't even take them to the dentist without her being there. She plans big birthday parties for them before we even have a chance (and we don't want to invite all the same friends on a different day and have two parties so they have to get them 2 presents). So she knows she can get away with it because we wouldn't put people it the position to chose whose party they want to go to. But she tells us we can come if we want. My DH wants to do more but she is ALWAYS there before him. She's so pushy and my DH is not. We can't get away from her! She is everywhere. I understand her wanting to be totally involved but there should be a line. We have our own family. She is taking advantage of our niceness and doesn't care who gets in her way. I feel like she is steamrolling us and she will do it at any cost. If we tell her it bothers us then she does it more. If we don't say anything she does it more. Any advice? Please...
yeah - put your foot down
yeah - put your foot down regardless of the outcome, we gave our BB an inch and she completely invaded our life - yelled at me because i didn't tell her we decided to marry sooner (so she couldn't keep the kids away who live out of state) eventually, just like discipling a child, they get used to their boundries - do your research on the sites that say his parenting time shouldn't be interrupted - how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Try to outline your bounries with her and stick to them as in..our time is our time, yours is yours, only email info, don't answer the phone on her every whim. I have more put am tired. You might get more traffic for this if you post it in personal blogs.
Put DH's foot down.
I think your DH - not you, but your DH - needs to learn how to use the word NO. Politely, yes, but also vehemently, loudly and with diagrams in case she needs a visual aid. But HE does need to learn to say NO to her. He needs to tell her, "I appreciate what you're trying to do. You're a great mother. The kids are lucky to have such an involved parent. BUT... you are overstepping into MY time with the kids and pushing me to the fringes. I'm their father, I insist on being allowed to parent them on MY time without interference from you and it must stop." Now, you cannot prevent her from appearing at a public place and I doubt you can legally prevent her from showing up to the kids' events, even if it's just a 30-minute swim lesson, but that doesn't mean you have to include her.
Then you do what TSO says above... you don't jump on every phone call and you don't immediately respond to what probably amounts to incessant emails from her. For the coaching thing you mentioned where she just took over? Your DH should have put out a letter IMMEDIATELY, stating that there was a mistake made with BM's previous mailing, that she is not a member of the coaching staff and does not represent the team, and giving the correct contact information. If she gets embarrassed by it, tough crap. She dug her own grave, let her lay in it.
The relationship will probably deteriorate when DH gets tough, but what are your choices, really? He needs to be willing to stand toe-to-toe with her and tell her NO and to back off or else you both need to find a way to accept her being intrusive. You probably don't want to take her back to court to get a no interference clause added to their custody order, so DH is either going to have to grow a set or you'll have to get used to it. But I do not recommend you being the go-between for anything. Let DH deal with her.
Another thing, I would start "surprising" the kids with things. Maybe if you can "surprise" them with the occasional fun event... overnight camping trip, a day-long "field trip" to an interesting landmark in your area, a trip to the museum/aquarium/amusement park/whatever, something they don't know about in advance and she cannot horn in on, it might help. It might make her other intrusions less hurtful by giving you and DH a chance to create some BM-free memories with the kids. And for parties? You can sure as hell have your own and invite the same the kids. Just make it different... girls love slumber parties and probably most kids would enjoy a party at the local zoo, skating rink, video game arcade, whatever. Just put "please, no gifts" on the invitations!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Flip side
We are on the other side of that coin - My fiance has always been involved - he goes to all the practices and games no matter whose time it falls on because he wants to support his son/daughter. I usally come along because I want to support them too. The kids ask me to help out at their school because they know that their mother won't. I suspect that she may feel sort of the way your DH feels. Frankly, My fiance does't care. He already only gets access tohis kids half the time and he does not want to lose any more time than he has to. It might seem wrong, but I think if I were in the situation, I would do the same for my kids.
You situation sounds a little different in that she signs his name to things. my fiance doesn't do that. He does however speak with the teachers and communicate with coaches because BM "forgets" to send him pertinent school info, schedules etc.
He doesn't show up at play dates or the like on her time - he feels that is imposing on the kids' play, but any event held at a public location, he goes to if possible. 9 times out of 10, BM is late, doesn't show or drops them off and leaves, only to show back up at the end.
I guess it is the intent behind the actions. It's hard to tell through typing sometimes.
stand up for yourselves
I completely agree with Georgia and TheSaneOne. You have to set some boundaries and stick to them. It will be difficult at first and the relationship will probably deteriorate rapidly when she meets resistance, but it has to be done or you will never have a chance at a normal life. I also think it's important to correct the coaching thing too. I know you said it would embarass your DH, but I don't think it will if you word it the way Georgia outlined. It will be the BM who will bear the brunt of that one. It will make BM think twice before she tries something like that again.
I don't really see anything wrong personally with BM attending all public functions. However, don't let her drive you or DH from these same functions. Don't give into her power games. If you guys start some project at the school tell the teachers that you will be finishing it. Tell the teachers about the issues you are having. Just lay it out there, that you are happy BM is participating in school, but she is interfering in HIS participation.
I know confrontation is hard, very hard, but sometimes you need to be willing to endure it in order to stand up for yourselves and your relationship with the skids. If the skids see BM steamrolling you guys without consequences, they might decide to follow suit.
Thank you
Thank you so much for your advice. My DH is going to try and talk to her tommorrow. The problem is she acts like she's not doing anything wrong even if he tells her she is. She the kind of person who would "I'm not trying to be mean, but your ugly". She always says she has the best interest of the kids at hand, but her actions are dofferent. I guess we'll see. Thank you
Thats what I meant, LOL put
Thats what I meant, LOL put your foot down to DH to show him its serious and let him handle her...she'sll just resent you if you try to do it.
WOW! What a nightmare, My
WOW! What a nightmare, My B.F is controlling over EVERYTHING too but not like that as far as recreation, she is as far as when they can visit and for how long, even one time she called my B.F and asked him why he did not call her to see is his daughter was aloud to stay a exstra night.
She likes to call all the shots, to the point it pissed my B.F off because he is dad.
I really dont know what to tell ya about this other then you may have to really put your foot down and put her in her place, and explain why this is so agervating for you and hubby.
Drill it in her thick head and dont worry if she gets mad, she can get glad in the same pants she got mad in