Is compromise a four-letter word?
For those of you who have followed my recent posts, my husband and I are having serious issues regarding how we deal with SD15.
I have a problem with my husband being willing to compromise. I told him he has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to SD. Anything I say or do is regarded as an attack or negative.
For example, the hair straightener saga. If this was my BD, there would be NO hair straightener in the house. Period. When I was a kid it was the curling iron, and I guarantee you I only left it plugged in once or twice. Never again. With SD, the hair straightener saga has spanned almost two years and FOUR straighteners.
I tried an escalating scale of punishments. First offense, straightener taken away for a week. Second offense, two weeks. Third offense, a month. Fourth offense, gone from my house for good.
Problem is, my husband thinks ALL of that is too harsh. So he let SD bring straightener back into the house (behind my back). Then, when, of course, she leaves it plugged in again, he doesn't want to do anything to her except "talk to her" and then give it back.
Have any of you had luck getting your husbands to compromise? Mine sees it as all or nothing. Either he gets his way 100 percent when it comes to SD or I am a bitch. But if it takes being a bitch to protect my BDs, I guess that is what I will have to do.
I have broached compromises with him multiple times, but he refuses. Should I try one more time?
Dont' talk about it
just take it away. PERIOD. So you're a bitch??? So what, your kids are safe. DO NOT MAKE ANNOUNCEMENTS at this point in the game. This way, you compromise the same way he does.
Say nothing. Just do it. Don't look for validation from him, it doesn't work. & smile.
deary
There is something to be said about Daddy's and there daughters, but more to be said about daddy's with daughters when there is a divorce.
I don't quite have it figured out yet as to what the problem is, I think its guilt of not being with them everyday, feeling like because your divorced you have cheated them, and then you have more kids with another woman just makes all those feelings 100 times worse. I can see your frusteration, but seriously do you want to end up in a divorce? I don't think so, I think that you love this man, and because of the SD and the issue of him being so able to turn the blind eye to everything she does, its causing serious riffs in the marriage. Because no matter what or how each situation happens these men think we are attacking the children they have previous. IN my opinion, whether you are a couple still together with kids or a blended family the only way to make it work 100% for all involved is to stop treating the "new wife" as though she is attacking and the kids as though they are "prince and princess" of the home. When your a package deal everyone should have somewhat of a say...
The straightner, could burn down your house, or hurt one of your girls, but most importantly ask him what is she learning when he gives into her everytime. Not holding her accountable for her actions? He is teaching her to run everytime someone doesn't give her, her way. To be irresponsible, which we have enough kids that way today. When did everyone stop being parents? that is what I want to know. My children are from a broken home, but is it really broken, we still love them both very much, work well together and my kids even say that its better the way it is now because we get along now. So are we coddling these kids because its easier, because we feel bad that we made a decision that they got hurt from? Because I think to being really old and who in the world is going to run this country? I am scared to death...
Sorry I am babbling.. I think you are not wrong, I think though hounding him is only going to cause waves, in the marriage, which could someday get to big to stay..
best of luck
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
I don't know the full
I don't know the full history of your situation, but I do know that the rules of a home must apply to all children equally, regardless of who is there how often or for how long.
My husband and I have gone through these issues, and I can say that I think he is touchier about SD than he is the other kids. I think in the back of his mind he is petrified that she is going to be unhappy at our house or think we are mean to her or something and not want to come over anymore. Things have improved in our home over the years, but I definitely can relate to the feelings about this.
I have tried many tactics in dealing with this with my dh. The one thing I have found that has helped is to approach him from the "this is in the best interest of SD" line of thought. I have expressed to him many times in the past that it will cause our family to be divided and unhappy if the kids who live here full time can see SD getting lighter punishments, better things, etc. And if that happens, then the children will resent their sister, and there will be lifelong tension between them. I remind him that someday we will not be around anymore, and all these kids will have is one another. If we don't help them form good, loving relationships now, then we have utterly failed as parents to all the children. I told him that I would be very sad if SD was resented by the other kids and felt unwelcome in our home. So I stressed the need for uniform rules, punishments, expectations, etc. so that all the children felt that the rules applied to everyone, and they could concentrate on being siblings and enjoying one another's company and less on keeping score. I told him this while our bio children were very young, because I knew it was an issue that would be harder to face as they got older and saw the preferential treatment.
I see this happen all the time with my MIL. She favors my SD a lot and it is causing the other kids to feel bad and they take that out on SD sometimes. I don't like that, as it hurts everyone.
So maybe you can try a new line of attack when you talk to him. But let the dust settle first.
Apparently, yes, it IS a 4-letter word.
Discipline will not work if you don't back each other up. SD will always know that Daddy will make everything "okay" for her, so she will never learn from any attempts at discipline that you might make. All she is learning is to hide her indiscretions from you. She can't learn from her mistakes if Daddy keeps sending her the message that she's never in the wrong. (And you'll never gain her respect if your DH keeps setting the example of being disrespectful of you himself.)
You know HE'S not going to change, because you've already had this same fight umpteen thousand times. Knowing that he won't change and that she won't change, that just leaves you. What about this situation can you change that will make these situations acceptable to you?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)