Not sure what to do
New here but need advise. My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years we both had kids from a previous marriage. The problem here is that from the begining her kids lacked discpline and let them get away with anything. The oldest is now 18 and on his B-Day we really did not have the money to get him anything but and my wife was upset, but I took 80.00 out of bank for her to buy him something(she never did). I have been letting my stepson drive one of my cars as long he pays insurance which is 35.00 per month. Keep in he is employed and has no other bills. I asked for the insurance money last night for the 3rd time and he stated that since we were not giving him lunch money he was not going to pay the insurance we have had this problem before. I took the car from him and he says all I care about is me.(Typical) I informed my wife and she is mad at me and says that their a wedge between us because I have never really should her 2 kids affection(same argument and response) and that his feeling were hurt that we did not get him anything for his B-Day.(she says all of this in a letter). Just about every argument we have is over her not correcting the kids and then wanting me to get involved and discpline them, but when I do I am the bad guy because of this as my stepson to I am the a**.
I believe that this may be the straw that breaks the camels back and end our marriage. She chooses them everytime over me. any advice ???????????
First of all, your SS is 18
First of all, your SS is 18 he's not a baby anymore, he should be able to understand when there's a financial issue going on and your wife should definitely stop babying him, he's a grown man now, he's not a kid that expects birthday party and presents every year. And if he was hurt because you didn't get him anything for his birthday, someone needs to have a serious talk to him about that. I think as soon as kids turn 18, parents shouldn't be held responsible of birthday presents if they are in a tough financial problem, and that a birthday card should be enough. That's just my opinion. I think that you should have a talk with your wife and explain to her that her son is a grown man and that he should be thankful for the things he gets and that she should understand that sooner or later her son will move out and all she will have is you, and if she doesn't work with you on this problem, she may lose you. End of story. There's just no room for that kind of behavior.
"Look at how far you've come and stop concentrating on how much further there is to go."
Thanks
Thanks you all for your comments and advice. It's hard being the stepparent. I talked to my wife last night and told here that I am tired of being the one she calls to displince the kids and then them calling me the bad guy. I work 2 jobs to provide for my family and I expect all the kids to do their part around the house and show respect. I was brought up to take responsibility for my actions and I am trying to instill the same in them along with responsibility. My wife wants us all to sit down and talk and I have no problem with this but it still will not change anything(thats my opinion)as I told her, as long as I am the one doing all the discpline. I feel like the outsider who expects to much and gets little.
That's the beauty of this
That's the beauty of this forum, we're all here to help each other.
I think that you should sit down with her and have a nice long conversation about your relationship. Even though you may think that it might not change something atleast you will lay it out on the table. Just tell her how you feel and what you need her to do for this relationship to go further. I have heard it wayyyy too many times, and I know that some parents will not always agree, but marriage comes first then kids. I am sure she will listen and understand whatever you have to say and then take it from there. Hope everything works out.
"Look at how far you've come and stop concentrating on how much further there is to go."
Ditto
Sky said it all above and I concur-!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
sense of entitlement
My mother used to call me spoiled ,but NOT rotten when I was younger.
I did not fully understand this until I became a parent. Of course we would all like for our children to have nice things but they should be grateful for what they do get and not EXPECT it.
Your SS sounds ungrateful and as we see oh so often as if you owe him what he wants(the car, a bday present)
My youngest will be 13 next Sunday. At Christams he knew I was tight money wise and told me he did not mind if I took back some of his presents , he said he realized he got more than most people in the world. for his bday he has told me what he would like and then said , but I can wait if I need to or help you out with money from my account. THAT makes me want to buy for him. LOL Your ss attitude tells me take more away, what a brat!
If he has no empathy for his own mother being on tight budget right now,I guaruntee she is sadly mistaken if she thinks he will suddenly be a concerned son when she is older and may need him.
stand your ground
your stepson is 18 NOT 8, he wants be treated like an adult he needs to act like one, I know I do not like the thought of my boys growing up 18 & 21 but I want them to be a happy stable citizen contributing to society not sucking it dry, it sounds like your wife is willing to discuss I think you should try to be open and honest as you can and like sky said too soon the BS will be gone and then where will she be...
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Hey, my birth daughter is 21
Hey, my birth daughter is 21 years old & I'm paying for everything and she will continue this free ride until she graduates from college. She doesn't appreciate it either. Does that mean it ends? No. At 18 she would not have been capable of financial independence, that's my fault b.c. I was like your wife. Its called being a mother. I give her unconditional love & support. I try not to help so much but then I can't sleep & worry so much about her. Its called being a mother (I know I repeated it but its my defense). On the other hand her birth father is the opposite of me & has stopped helping w/college b.c. of her grades & attitude (??) -- he lives life of luxury in Florida with new wife & adopted Russian babies since they couldn't have their own. Nice huh? So I feel like I'm all she's really got and she's all I really wanted in life. My goal is long-term, for her to be educated and self-sufficient with a decent job after she graduates. So Man-of-House, you are not the a**, you have a role & its very important to your wife & Stepson -- you are trying to balance her help with your reality. Don't give up. I know if I stayed married, this would have happened to us too -- I don't see it has being all negative, Dad would have coached birth daughter to call on me/us less, to study more. Nothing terribly wrong with that just something I'm uncomfortable with.
I understand your position
I understand your position however I must disagree. I am only 34 and at 16 I had a car payment, paid my own insurance, maintaince on car, basiclly everything. I continued to College prep courses and maintained a 4.0 gpa. My parents taught me responsiblity and thats what everyone should be taught. You talk about balanceing her help thats part of the problem I feel that I get no help or support and if it is brought up in the house it like I commited the ultimate sin, and this is old. I believe that all kids should be taught to be self sufficent, yes their will be times when they need a parents help but not all the time. I feel that my wife gives too much freedom and not enough responsibility and that is not preparing my stepson for the REAL WORLD. Everyone parenting is differnt and I value your input, but theirs alot of resentment in the house and basiclly I can not being their with him and do not want to even be around him. He has burned the bridge with me 1 too many times.
my sons
are 18 &21 and both are in college but I DO NOT support them except to give them all the love I can and they have a roof over their head.
If I did everything for them how in the world would they know how to GROW UP? also like totallylost I was pretty much on my own at 16, and now I am a sucessful profession with my own home and car and things. that is what I want for my boys, to be independent to learn.
they have insurance they pay and gas and car payments. and they are paying for their own education! now I do let them live at home but only as long as their grades are good and they help me around the house.
kids will depend on us forever if we let them.
they need to learn to GROW up.
baby them and they will always be babies.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Thank You I agree now only
Thank You I agree now only if I could get my wife to understand this then our marriage would be a lot better.