Peacemaking
My husband tends to tell me little white lies in an effort to cover up for something that one of my SS’s or their spouses has done. I know he does this as a peace keeper, but it concerns me that he is not being totally honest with me about things.
Here is an example, SS2 has accepted a job in our area and is buying a house and moving from another state to really near us. He has asked if he could stay with us at times until he gets moved so that he can be in the area when required for work. Keep in mind that the job is a work from home type of position, so it is not like he has to report to a specific job site daily.
Anyway off and on for the last week, he was coming on this day and then cancelled, but last night my DH and I were at a wake for his aunt who passed and when we were leaving DH wanted to call SS2 to ask a question that came up when talking to a friend at the wake. DH calls and SS2 tells him he is sitting on our couch. Now, I knew that SS2 wanted to stay at the house, but just the day before DH told me that he was not coming so I was not expecting SS2 to be there. DH could tell I was annoyed at not being told SS2 was coming that day. So DH tells me that SS2 called him that morning and DH forgot to tell me.
When we arrive home there is a message on the machine from SS2 telling us he is on his way to the house and is about an hour away. I thought it was a little odd that if he told DH that morning that he was calling, especially since DH would have mentioned to SS2 that we needed to go to the wake that evening. But I did not say anything, but I still had that nagging feeling that DH was covering for SS2 not calling and letting us know what was going on sooner. So this morning, I checked the caller ids on his cell and the home phone. No calls from SS2 yesterday morning. I checked and DH did not call him on his cell yesterday morning either, so unless he called him from the house phone (a slight possibility) then he did not talk to him yesterday morning.
Again, I know that DH is trying to appease me as he knows that I have a real problem with the grown SS’s and their families thinking they have free reign over our home. I have told him they are welcome to come and stay when needed, but I do not think it is asking too much that they let us know when they will be there. It is just about common courtesy.
I had a birthday gift for SS2’s daughter sitting on the table unwrapped, and had I known he was coming, I would have made it a point to put the gift away or get it wrapped prior to him arriving. I know it is probably silly of me, but I like to surprise the parents with the gifts we give as much as the grandchild too.
Back to how DH covers up for the step behaviors by taking the blame for them, I believe this is somewhat acknowledging that he knows I do not like the behavior and maybe even agreeing that we should be told such things, but instead of setting some house rules, he would rather take the blame and act to the steps like everything is good. I do not like the little lies, but I appreciate that he wants to keeps peace, but I am afraid this is damaging to our relationship. Any thoughts or similar experiences??
I'm not sure how to confront
I'm not sure how to confront such an issue. First, is the house you live in one where this SS2 used to live, or a new place you and your husband purchased? If it's the latter, I cannot imagine SS2 just walking into your house - let alone have a key to get in...unless someone knew he was coming. Seems pretty suspicious all around.
Years ago when my grown SD got married...after her first child was 2 and not to the father of said SGD...we took SGD after the wedding for a week while SD and new hubby had a honeymoon. On the way home, someone mentioned how great it was that 'we' had given SD money so she could go on a honeymoon. Huh? That was the first I'd heard about it. DH had taken money he had 'somewhere' and given SD the money, telling her to have a good honeymoon. So, I had to sit in a car with our 2 young BS's, a SGD and try to keep it together without screaming at DH. He sheepishly told me that he wanted them to have a honeymoon so he gave them money... and he wasn't sure how I would feel about it. After I calmed down from asking what planet he was from, I told him I'm not sure how I would have felt, but I should have been asked AND he should then respect if I HAD said no. But worst of all was that I could see clearly he had been hiding it from me and that was unacceptable. He promised he would talk with me first from then on, and for the most part whenever there's a question of giving money we talk it out and agree before we give.
However, I have never been able to break him of the habit of defending any behavior of SD or SS. They are now 37 and 40, don't have much to do with us...accept when they want free business advise or money. What helps me now is that both BS's are grown. When they were young they would notice SD and SS were treated 'differently' - with kid gloves. I would always encourage them to 'take the high road' when SD and SS didn't reciprocate with birthday cards or holiday gifts. But, now that they are adults they have told DH some home truths about not liking their half siblings because they haven't been treated nicely by SD and SS; and, when DH asks me why they don't like SD or SS more - I give him the same home truths. It helps to have them back me up.
I guess my only piece of advise is to call your DH on it, suggest setting some rules and see how he feels about it. If he is on board make it clear that HE will have to be the one to convey the new rules - and back them up by saying HE and you made the rules TOGETHER - and agree 100% on them. Don't let him make you the heavy - that isn't fair.
If he doesn't want to set rules or change, at least you know you have confronted him. HE will know it...and then it's up to him. You can't change him. You just have to realize how much of the SS s**t you are willing to accept.
Good luck and let me know how things go!
Need To Know More
Never again,
Thanks for the input.
1. No this SS has not lived in this house as it was built new by DH after this SS was out of the house and as far as I know, he does not have a key. However, having said that DH has a key pad access on the garage and he likes for SS's to have it and have access to it. I on the other hand, would not mind them having access if they use it with respect. For example, if we are out for the evening and they are coming to town to spend a few days in town, then yes, they can use it. But when one of the SDIL's used it daily to come and hang out in our home all day while I was at work, well that to me was an abuse and we put an end to that type of access to our home.
2. It is interesting that you mentioned your DH giving you SD money for her honeymoon without your knowledge, because just last night this same SS called and asked DH for money for closing on his home in our area. DH without consulting me agreed to lend him a substantial amount of money for a short time without asking me. He was on the phone and I heard him talking to SS about it, but not once did he say let me run by DW, he just said yes we can do it no problem. When DH gets off the phone, he notices that I am upset and he tells me that he did not think it was important to run something like that by me because if I did such a thing, it would not bother him (which I do not believe) especially since this is money we are saving for a specific purpose.
I explained to him that since it was for a short term, I would probably have agreed, but not being asked and his not letting SS know that I needed to be consulted is undermining me and essence letting SS think that my input is unimportant. Plus I feel like my input is unimportant to DH when he does not think to consult me. In addition, I am still expected to do the other wifely and motherly duties for him and the kids even after he makes me feel like I am not an important part of the family. For example, just this weekend I hosted a birthday party for two of the SGD's as both of their families are in the process of moving. I did it to be nice and helpful. Tonight I will go straight to the nursing home from work to help care for his mom as everyday a family member is asked to spend time with her and tonight is our turn. I will be there for a couple of hours before DH will arrive covering our time alone, but all of that is okay because I am doing it for him or the kids, but when it comes to other issues I am not important enough to even ask. These things hurt really deep, but I keep asking myself, should I start refusing to help him or his kids just to make my points as I am afraid this will be damaging to our relationship.
NoDoormat - I really needed to hear what you had to say.
I may come across as my mild but it burns me up. As a matter of fact, when DH got off the phone the other night, he could tell I was ready to bite nails even though I did not raise my voice or say even mention a word about the call. He told me later when we were discussing things that I should not have been so upset and just waited to when we could talk to bring it up to him. Maybe he has a point but when I get upset, I have a really hard time hiding it and he knows this. When he says things like that to me, it makes me feel like I am making a bigger deal out of something than it is.
This site has helped as now I can relate to others with similiar situations and realize it is not just me who feels this way. When your spouse says they would not be upset by something similiar and they tell you that you did not need to let it upset you, you begin to wonder am I really overreacting? Also to read what your counselor told you gives me more power to stand up for myself and realize that I am not totally off base in how I want to be treated by my step children and their spouses as well as my DH.
I can honestly say that I have seen wee baby steps of improvement and I attribute that to my starting to say things when the chance arises. Before because DH did not want me to say things to them, I would refrain, but now if there is a conversation that comes up where I can interject my wishes in a noncontroversial manner, I do.
Also one day when SS4's finance called the house and asked to speak to my DH without telling me who was calling or acknowledging me, I let her make her request and after telling her DH was not available and could I take a message and she said she would just call back later (she had done this a couple of times before). I told her that if she needed to call our home she could at the very least acknowledge me and that she could also leave a message with me for DH and I would ensure that he recieved it. She was extremely upset with me about this and I know she talked the SDIL's about the situation as one of them told me that she told her that what she was doing was rude. I think the SS's and their significant others after hearing the story are starting to realize that while Dad may not say anything, that I will and thus are hopefully beginning to recognize that they can only go so far with things.
I really wish that DH would say more to let them know I am number one, but I have always felt that since I met him that he is reluctant to upset his sons by telling them no or letting them know that something is not acceptable in our home. (I wish I could tell you how many times I have asked if we could set some boundaries and rules for our home and he just blows it off like we do not need them since they are all adults.) But he won't or doesn't and I have always thought it was because he is afraid that they will decide to have nothing to do with him as that is what they did with their mother when they divorced. After reading this site, I still believe that may be part of the issue, but am beginning to see that it may be because of guilt too, as my DH feels guilty that he could not provide the home they all expected to have before his first wife left him like he feels bad because he somehow let them down even though he truly did not. I guess that is just another part of divorce.
Thanks again. This site and hearing that others are dealing with this too is helping me understand what I need to do. Also, hearing that your DH has made you number one, does give me hope as my DH is a good man, so I will continue to hope and pray this will improve and that this is just growing pains.