my ex is controlling but i was glad when he married. it calmed him down some. thought she would be a sense of reason. he's still an ass don't get me wrong. i dont mind him having extra time but he takes more than that and never calls to say its 9 pm and i still haven't brought her home on a school night. i have her call her SM on mothers day but have to fight with him to see her that weekend (he says she should see his wife and his mom for mothers day but thats the only day of the year i will fight over. i have learned to disengage. the less i know the better. we don't speak about things unless we have to , my daughters meets him or his wife outside. his wife does come in, sometimes but she and i have only had one argument, all becuase he put her slap in the middle of it (told her to pick up my daughter and I knew nothing of it)
none the less, just disengage yourself. its a struggle - life is. i just try and learn to pick my battles wisely. we also have a code, i say look i am in a bad mood today so therefore i want to take it out on you, lets talk about this later so no one gets their feelings hurt. usually, he cusses me and i hang up.
sorry - long and not very helpful

As a BM and SM I have to say there are people out there who are not as difficult to deal with as the ex's we all talk about on this site. My exH and I moved on with our lives and only interacted when we had to deal with something with our son, although generally, he just left it up to me to take care of it. I have had my share (and then some) of dealing with current husband's ex/BM and her insecurities with me from the get-go.
On the other hand, when my ex got re-married it was the best thing that happened for my son....he actually saw his son, because his wife/Son's SM actually saw to it that he got his son when he was supposed to. Up until the re-marriage, son very seldom saw Father, unless I forced him to but after awhile I got tired of doing that...I did that enough when I was still married to the man. Anyway, my son got to know his step-sister and step-brother and his step-mom's family as well.
I'm not saying my relationship with my son's SM was perfect, but there were only a few incidents that had to be dealt with (early on)...mostly because of her tactless confrontation about an issue with BS/SS. I nipped this in the bud, in a nice way, and we came to an understanding.
The difference here is that I had no insecurities or jealousies about my son being around his Father and his new wife, because I knew that he would be treated well and that neither I nor his Father had any desire to use our son as a tool to piss the other parent off. He's a child......not a possession.

I'm a BM as well as a SM, so I can relate to all of it.

1)As far as not wanting kids around SM, well the first time he and I split I didn't want my kids anywhere near her. But I had good reason. If you want to know more you can PM me. Basically she did really bad things. I never took it out on the kids though because they always liked her, so why should I deny them that? I'm the same now, I still don't like her, but she is a very good mother to her own kids, and my daughter really enjoy spending time with her and I know if she wasnt around they would be so bored during their EOW visits with their BF. And I am smart enough to know that no matter what, no one can ever take my place with my children. I am and always will be their mother, so if they want to love someone else and think of them as parental figures, as long as that person is a good influence on them, I have no problem with it. I am not insecure when it comes to my children or their love for me.

2) Again, the first time I caught him messing around it really got to me. I was pregnant with first child and felt extrememly rejected and alone. When we reconciled and I got pregnant again and he cheated again, the feeling was less sadness and more anger and some pity... the man must have some serious problems.
Now it does not bother me in the least that he is with her because it keeps him off my back and out of my business. He is her problem now. If she was worth my time, I would tell her to pack up and run, but she's watched and been part of his infidelity to me for many years, being an active party in it, so I dont think she'd listen, and I think she needs to learn a good lesson from this anyways

3) CS... I barely get any from him. He has 5 kids. 2 from me 3 from his first marriage. (I was 2nd) and now he has 3 stepkids with the new one. He always has new musical equipment, new everything, but never any money. I don't stress it though. My kids live with FH and I.. and we support them daily. I don't need anyone to provide me with anything. I am perfectly capable of doing it on my own. All I will gain from doing it on my own is my childrens respect, and I'm pretty ok with that

4) If SM is pregnant, I will be scared. No more children need be born to this man. And it's his M.O once he gets a woman pregnant he starts bumpin uglies with one of her friends. It's how he rolls apparently.

5) Lastly.... interacting with them. I usually have no problems with it, but listen, this man could see his kids at any given time and chooses not to. I dont call him or bother him at all ever unless theres an emergency with one of the kids. When he pops in out of the blue making demands of me only because they benefit him in some way. Other than that, he can pick the kids up wearing a tutu and carrying a fairy princess wand and feed them marshmellows and chocolate all weekend long if thats what he wants.... when they grow up, they will look back.. I won't need to tell them anything. I want them to love their dad, their mom, their SD and their SM. That is my goal.

oh, and one more thing.. as steppie said, its nice for them when they can love and be loved freely.... it gives them a larger family, which means larger support system.. you can never have too much love, you know?

"It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."
- Paul Newman

I love the tutu comment I laughed out loud..oops ssssshhhh....
you sound so much better than just yesterday!! I really respect you and CG too you two impressed me..and inspired!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I too, am a BIO and STEP and my ex is re-married with a child, so here's my two cents:

"Are there common issues such as:
1) not wanting their kid to be around SM: that is jealousy, selfishness and unfair to the kids, their stepmom and ex (even if you hate him & her). And especially if he and his wife are expected to give YOU money because you had sex with/have kids with him.

2) feeling sad that their baby's father is with someone else: again, that is jealousy and selfishness. Move on, you're divorced. I was so happy to get away from my ex and I was estatic when he finally dated and married his wife. I could have thrown him a party! And I have THREE kids with my ex; we were married nearly 9 years! There was too much bad blood flowing between us and we were clearly over. It would hypocritical of me to be dating but be upset (jealous) when he dated.

3) child support: Ugggrh. Okay. This is the most gross part. My ex pays me because we had sex. I feel like a prostitute. No, it's "for the kids" whatever. Most of us know better and like it or not-the NCP has to pay for the sex he/she had with the ex. And it's wrong.

My ex and his wife were struggling to pay me CS fully and on time. We went to court and right when I was about to go in for the kill, something came over me. I heard his lawyer tell me that they have to borrow money to pay CS and that bothered me. Instantly, I felt low, selfish, greedy, dirty, ugly, not-nice, unChristian-like and ashamed. And I agreed to take HALF of what was orgininally orderd. Because that is all I felt my kids were worth? No. But because their father and his wife (and new baby) were struggling and it was because of me, because I had sex with him and got pregnant. Somehow, it wasn't my ex's wife and baby's fault or job to pay so much for my children.

I took the "You OWE me because I have your kids" crap out of my mind and saw that because of me, some other family is suffering and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do the right thing.

Yes, the "judge" says that I 'earned' x amount of money based on his income, but after cs, taxes, insurance, food, there's not much at left for him, his wife, and their baby. More importantly, I have to answer to the real JUDGE one day and I want to make sure I try in every situation to do the right thing, to do what I teach my kids to do.

And how has doing the right thing worked out for me? My husband's ex took us to court and we have to pay MORE CS than before, plus HER evil lawyer's fee for taking more of our money. So, now, every cent that I get for MY kids' CS (plus half hubby's check)-goes straight to the ex because of HER kids. And because she is souless, heartless and is only interested in how much SHE can take-my kids are suffering now. Isn't it ironic?

4) if SM is pregnant....what kind of feelings arise?: What feelings are there to have? A woman is pregnant with a beautiful new life. That new life will be a sister or brother to your kids. Send her a card and a baby shower gift. That is what I did for my ex's wife when she was pregnant. And I made sure my children saw the proper way to behave, respond and feel when ANY human being is having a baby.

That being said, when I was pregnant with our first baby (1 year old now) BM did everything in her power to try and ruin my pregnancy and put me in the hospital and on strict bedrest from 19 weeks in. I was hooked up to a monitor for the rest of a (should have been) 21 week pregnancy because of her insanity, jealousy and selfishness. She made me go into pre-mature contractions at 19 weeks!! This is not healthy, right, just or the way a woman should behave soley because she's jealous of the wife and won't move on. (She left HIM, by the way. But had that, I don't want you, but no one else better have you, either, syndrom.) She almost cost me my baby. Now, ladies, what is worth killing a baby over? Some fake "war" between the SM and BM? It's not important. Her stress was so much and her stalking was so much, hubby and I took our baby and my 3 kids and moved 59 miles away into the country to get far from her. And now, for the first time, we have a little bit of peace.

5) interacting with baby's father AND/OR SM (control issues?): again, control-jealousy. I can do everything you can do better. SM are not like in Cinderella. Walt's might have been, but most are not. As long as they love your kids and dad loves the kids-then what else is important? They're not getting sexually abused, starved or left on the streets. So if more BIO moms would get over themselves and thinking they are the ONLY mom who can be in their kids' lives-then the world, the families, the courts would be a better place for mom, dad and kids.

I'm tired now...Sphinx is taking a time out.

As a BM in the VERY beginning I had issues with my X's new girl, that was because he would go back n forth between her and I. Her and I had it out MANY times to the point of getting restraining orders against her. BUT my daughter liked her and she was good to my daughter for the most part (she was jealous of her though and that would make it a pain). She would basically control when he saw our BD and how many times he talked to her,etc. BUT I still didn't really blame HER..it was my X's fault for not having a spine and putting his daughter first. (I'm not talking spoiling issues..'m talking basic visits,phone calls,etc.).

Once they broke up she called me to tell me I was right about him all along (he was a liar and a cheat) and her and I have a good realtionship now (she has a son with my X so that is my BD's brother.

He now has a new girlfriend who I am fine with. They are about to have another child..good riddens if you ask me..I was glad to finally get him out of my hair.

Are there common issues such as:
1) not wanting their kid to be around SM

Not really, I just hope he doesn't develop her socially inappropriate behaviors, I also wish she wouldn't talk badly to my son, otherwise I really don't care.

2) feeling sad that their baby's father is with someone else

no- I left him, why would I care

3) child support

I pay it, happily

4) if SM is pregnant....what kind of feelings arise?

not sure, hasn't happened, I don't imagine I'd feel anything other than slightly amused- they can't afford their lifestyle as it is.

5) interacting with baby's father AND/OR SM (control issues?)

Sm is very controlling and very confrontational- if she would just act human I'm sure the whole situation would be much better, ex and I got along with ZERO problems before she came into the picture....now that she is there he is not allowed to talk to me without a major attitude, not allowed to try to come to an agreement- not allowed- ridiculous.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

the major issue my husbands ex has with me is she feels since I'm in the picture, she has little control over him.
I say this because when I first started dating my now husband, she came over to his place UNINVITED while I was there.
He did not let her in and she begged, saying she had to go to the bathroom. He let her in and she went bonkers SCREAMING:
"YOUR GOING TO LEAVE YOUR KIDS FOR THAT ?"
He reminded her they were divorced and he could date anyone he wanted.
She then said: "BUT SHE'S UGLY"
hahaha
and he said "she is better looking and younger than you and you know it, so get the hell out of here"
and she did.
She called a few times and came over MY HOUSE to stir up crap but each time I called the police and filed a report, telling her my aim was to make sure I documented everything for when I took her to court, and she has now left me alone.
I think due to her comments and actions, she is kinda flipped out the man she thought so little of, moved on and got himself a hottie
and she is not able to do this for herself....
and find a man who will love and marry her. so, she is green with envy over her ex's wonderful gem of a new wife, one that is far prettier, smarter, nicer and younger than she is

She ( his ex) called him once to tell him her home computer wasn't working. He told her to call someplace to fix it and stop calling him because he wasn't going to help her fix things.
She did call a few more times, screaming she wasn't getting her child support and even complained to child support office, they opened an investigation and when they saw not only was he paying BUT NOT EVEN ONCE LATE, they dropped the investigation and
must have red flagged her file
because they don't listen to her anymore, she is a wack job.
She called a few more times telling her ex "CALL ME" but he didn't. He says if its something important, she would leave a message. She has only proven to want to create trouble, nothing else.