History:

SD13 (going on 20) has been rebelling against her undiagnosed BPD BM lately. She's getting C's, D's and an F in school. She's been busted for pot and cigarette smoking several time, she's a cutter, she's generally incorrigible. She lives with her BM, SD and 1/2Brother5 in another state and only sees us for 4 short visits a year. All of a sudden she tells BM, DH and therapist that she wants to live with DH & I for her first year of HS 2010/11; that the change would be good, she hates her home state, and has no friends. BM acknowledged that the move should take place because SD13 is a bad influence on her precious darling son. (splitting) We're in shock. Then a huge blow-out occurs and BM is on the phone with DH asking if we could take her sooner. How could we say no, right? They begin talking about moving her out here at the semester point of this year. December, Yikes!

So SD13 comes out for her fall break…with her MINI MOM BPD traits, cynical disposition and proceeds to size US up. We try to show her a good time, inviting all her relatives over for several dinners. We take good care of her needs, ignoring all her ugliness. All the while she maintains she still wants to live with us.

Then she goes home and all she can do is complain to BM and therapist about all our faults. Apparently I'm too analytical for her and she couldn't possibly live with me, and her dad is way too strict. Now she's decided to stay with BowelMovement after all.

Her therapist is disappointed and has given BM her recommendation that the move should still take place and would be the best thing for her. Her therapist wishes we would petition for custody. Therapist agrees that BM is an alienating parent and a lot of SD13's problems are because she's been allowed to hate, disparage, disrespect and denigrate other adults, authority figures (me)(teachers) and DH. She's willing to make a statement in court.

BM is rubbing all this in our noses like she's won a popularity contest, forgetting about her DS and that she asked US to take SD13 in the first place. She now thinks SD13 should continue to live with her. HMMM.

The scary thing is if we did petition for custody we'd probably win because we have the therapist on our side and tons of evidence against BM. But we'd loose our sanity trying to handle a really messed up kid. I feel that SD13 is too old and we wouldn't have any positive effect on her. It would just end up making us all crazy. She's been raised with such different values. And that's not even taking into consideration how a custody battle would trigger BM's ugly BPD traits and SD13's emerging disorders.

DH and I both enjoy our peaceful home and we don't want to be drug into this drama. DH is telling SD13 that she should try to get along with BM, but if it gets too hard she's welcome with us. IS SHE?

I don't know whether to be elated that SD13 changed her mind to stay with BM or hurt by her critical judgments, anyway, I am absolutely positive, knowing what I know, the waffling has only just begun. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Question:

Do I continue to allow SD13 to think she can move in with us, should the need arise?
or
Do I let everyone know that I don't run a home for wayward, fickle, disrespectful children and say sorry DH & BM, she's your problem? She needs to work it out with BPD BM or find her a foster home. (which could give SD13 full blown abandonment issues)
:?

Thanks for reading and any advice. Looking forward to helpful and/or humorous responses.