As someone who met my fiance while he was still in the process of his divorce (met 2 mos before paperwork was final) I would say, if he's great enough to date now, wait until his divorce is final before getting serious. In my situation his family holds every thing that has changed as a result of his divorce on me. If they had had some more time to see the changes before I arrived on the scene I think that would have helped.

Also, as many of the other ladies here have lived through, you should probably expect to be blamed for the break up of the marriage. Steel yourself for alot of blame for completely illogical reasons. Prepare yourself that a cute 2 year old can become a nightmare if your BF doesn't spell out your role w/ his child from the get go.

There's also the whole dating someone you work with aspect, which in my experience is a bad idea, but, some people manage to make it work.

I would keep in mind the complaints he has about his ex. Are her complaints about him valid? Why doesn't she work? Is it because he wanted her to stay home with their child? Is it because she wanted to stay home with their child? What will happen if you become pregnant and want to stay home with your child? Will you become a lazy nag who doesn't have a job too?

I reserved my final judgment of my fiance's ex until I saw and experienced her behavior firsthand. I believed that he had legitimate complaints about her, however, I also know there are at least tow sides to every story. Keep your eyes wide open for red flags, especially in relation to his child and his treatment of you around his child. If there are things you don't think you can live with, personal financial goals you can't live without for at least 5 years,or any major signs to you that you will not be treated as you should, get out of the relationship before you become so involved that you can't easily extricate yourself.

I was in the same situation 2 years ago but that little boy will not stay sweet and he will be the reason why you both fight all the time and you will sometime wish you could just get out mine is terrible i ha the BM on the phone 24/7 and she just wont gie up i get compleatlty igngnored when ss come home and just left to clean his mess and get on with it if i talk to my BF he just says i am being nasty and that he is only a little boy he iss now 4 and i haeto drive this little terrour to shcool every morning and Pick him up and i dont want him here in the first place its not my home when he is here HELP Am i Terrible

However, things will take a long while to smooth out for your bf and stbx. She has to find a place to live, get a job, find childcare. All of which will be challenging and emotional. Your bf, if he's not a complete asshole, will want to help her make a smooth transition and help out. He won't have it all together either. Even a necessary and long hoped for change can be super difficult. My husband told me how badly he wanted a divorce. He felt that his life was worth losing before staying in that marriage. Even so, he said he cried and cried and couldn't stop.

It takes time to emotionally disengage completely. Not all first relationships after a breakup are rebound but more often than not, they don't last. I am worried for you. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take things very very slowly. Be prepared for him, to go back and forth, and maybe even back with his wife. It happens, especially with small children.

When we meet someone new, and it all seems to just click, we want to march forward and not stop and take pause. I've been there a million times. I've learned though that if something is right, it will be right down the road. If we try to make it right, it certainly won't be long term. I would step back and watch carefully and hold your emotions with some guard until the dust settles a little bit and both the ex and your bf are set firmly on terra firma.

Keep us posted and good luck.

I would wait. I wouldn't get seriously involved yet. It may be the hardest thing you will have to do because you are in love with him and it is new but you need to pull yourself away right now. I say this because I did it. Almost 3 years ago I worked with a man that was in a relationship (living with a woman for 2 years) and I was in the process of a divorce. We worked together for almost one year before really even speaking with each other. Then his relationship was on the fritz and mine was almost completely over. We started seeing each other. He has a daughter from a previous marriage.

You are smart to not get involved with the child yet. Keep your distance.

I made the decision with this guy that he needed to figure out his current situation and end it and figure out if he really wanted me in his life and his daughter's life before I would committ to him. it took several months.

I went without seeing him for almost 6 months and then he came to me. He tried many times before I would finally let him back in to my life. Best decision I ever made. When he was finally ready he was 100% committed to me and now we are engaged.

I will tell you though that you should think long and hard about becoming involved with a man with a child. It isn't all roses. You will have to deal with an Ex that will more than likely despise and hate you. You will have to deal with a child that will constantly remind you of his relationship with another woman. I hope you want children because you will have an instant family.

I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for you.
-Sara

You are only 21 & very sweetly idealistic. I suggest you read this website until your eyes open up! There is a thread (started by
Dawn) that asks if you would marry again if you knew what you know now.

Please, read and read and watch and listen and read some more. You have a wonderful, beautiful whole world ahead of you and getting involved, at such a young age with a man with a baby is something like being the Other Woman. Your life will not be your own if you marry someone with a child AND THE PROBLEMS!!!!!

Just my opinion---trying to be helpful sweetie.

AWWWWW..... To be 22 again

Everybody in this world has some baggage. When you enter a relationship with somebody who has a child you will always have to deal with the other parent. It's not easy, which I'm sure you'll find just by reading some of the posts on here. Let me give you the background on my situation.....

I'm 10 years younger than my SO and his ex wife (I'm 26). I have 2 girls from my first marriage (6,3) and he has 3 (SS 11, SD 5, SS 3). Our relationship started when we were both married (big NO NO)and it's rough!! I love this man more than anything but there are times when I wish he had no kids because the BM can be such a nightmare! She has been a "stay in bed mom" for 11 years and out of guilt my SO offered more than he could afford (Yup, I'm the breadwinner). She has minor mental issues (not on any meds) and has always been the most unforgiving person on this planet. No matter how nice you are to her, her child, or even the Pope you will probably never get the respect you think you will. My skids will come to my house on the weekends and I spend 30-40 minutes on each kid brushing the tangles/food out of their hair, I dress them in more appropriate clothes, and hang out with them and since they love me I'm the bad one. I'm thankful that my ex hubby's new GF is great with my kids. It takes a lot of stress away. I know that a lot of the disrespect I get is because of the affair thing, but she will never be able to look past that and focus on her children and their happiness. It will always be about her only and how she is feeling.

My question is this: does the BM know about his relationship with you? Although it's easy to say that it's nobody's business, any woman/man who is involved in a childs life is the other parents business. Sometimes we have to be involved with the BM or BF of the skid(s) but I wouldn't worry about making an effort to have any type of relationship with her. One time I emailed my skids BM and thanked her for allowing her children to have a relationship with me and it was the biggest mistake I made. I got crap in return. Now if we see eachother we exchange fake smiles, say hello, and sometimes she might give me any instructions she has for the kids. Civil, but not friendly. We don't chat about anything and we will never need to. Thats what their father is for. If there is an issue with one of the kids it's HIS job to communicate with her. It's easy to fall in love with a child that isn't yours, but it's just that; not your child. If the BM wasn't in you SO childs life then you would have to step up and take more responsibility should your relationship progress. You'll find on here that nobody will tell you NOT to have a relationship with a man who has a child(ren), but to understand that it's not always easy. Good luck to you!