New to this whole thing
Hi. I am completely new to this entire step parenting situation and I have no idea where to turn for help. I am in a long term relationship with an incredible man who has an 8 year old daughter from his previous marriage. We live together and she stays with us on the weekends. I have been finding myself dreading her visits and not wanting to have anything to do with her. His ex wife is completely controlling and nickles and dimes my man even though she is remarried to a very wealthy guy and she has everything and then some that she could ever possibly need. I am finding myself hating his ex and resenting his daughter. This entire situation is costing me my financial stability as I am footing the bill for most of our relationship because all of his money goes to his ex. I don't know what to do and have no one to talk to that can lend me any real advise. Please help! I don't want to lose him but I don't know how to overcome my feelings regarding his situation and his daughter.
-Doubting
question
this may sound overly simplified, but it sounds you were financially independant , and ok, now you are in love but with stress due to greedy ex and , well his situation , so my question to you, will he help you or hinder you in meeting your life goals,EXAMPLE: do you want a child of your own? Well honey ,this girl won't be 18 for 10 years, and if you are becoming financially ruined now then when will your dreams be able to start?
Your feelings are normal
You may never grow to love her, may fall in love with her completely but either way you will more than likely experience a plethera of emotions regarding your SD everywhere in between those two extremes sometimes on a daily basis.
Is this man nurturing to you? Does he give freely of himself to you? Does he include you in future plans and life dreams? Does he place your relationship first? If so then you can make it through anything.
If the answer is no to these things then you might want to really dig deep. If you aren't happily dating/living together...marriage will never improve that for you. I always say that anyone contemplating marriage should think about how satisfied they are with their current relationship. Because whatever it is right now (happy or unhappy) will only amplify when you marry as they say, for better or worse.
Peace, love, and red wine
Future plans...
I too am in a relationship where there are 2 ss's that come every other weekend. Our life is hell emotionally and financially. BM never stops her constant "trying to control" what goes on in our home. Due to these problems and problems that have arose from this, we are very close to finalizing our relationship.....a welcoming one as I see it. I am looking into the future and what I see is myself and my children having some much needed peace. Financially I will have to rebuild what I had before entering this relationship, but I see it as learning. I will never again have a relationship with someone who has children. I have never received cs for my 3 kids and came not to expect it. I have never put my exhusband threw a living hell, nor do I wish too....life goes on. We have managed just fine.
When entering this relationship I would have never imagined that food would come out of my children's mouths, clothes off their back, etc in order to pay out to an exwife that is never satisfied. This is what has happened. I will never again put myself or my children in a position like this EVER again.
I am putting things in motion and the house is being listed shortly. I want a life for me & my kids that is stress free as possible and this has not happened when having to deal with all the problems of an exwife that can't get on with her life.
he isn't overpaying
His alimony ended this year which is good. He is overpaying childsupport right now because he just switched jobs but that will be fixed in Januray when they go back to mediation. The problem is the child support is based off him making significantly more than her and in this state it is solely based off his and her income even though she is now remarried. He has no problem paying child support and loves and wants to give for his daughter to have things and be successful. The problem is that his Ex works only part time (which we just found out) becuase she says someone has to be the parent and be home for their daughter. She remarried a rich docter and lives in a really nice home and drive a mercedes suv and their daughter always has brand new brand name clothes and purses and all sorts of toys that are absolutely unnecessary. (she is eight years old) But then she turns around and nickels and dimes Dad by saying that she doesn't have any money and the daughter needs new snow boots or clothes for school, or these precious vitamins, etc. etc. Isn't that what child support is supposed to pay for in the first place?
I guess it is good to hear
I guess it is good to hear that she will still be held responsible for the amount that she would be making if she were working part time. I just don't understand why she continuously asks for more money above and beyond child support for the things that child support is supposed to be used for. Especially since she has a wealthy husband who can provide extra for her. My boyfriend is really great about helping split the cost of extra curricular activities and such no problem but I don't think it is necessary for his ex to ask for money to buy new boots for the daughter.
I won't sugar coat
this. If you really want advice, I'll tell you straight up what I would do. RUN FORREST, RUN!
Listen to Cruella-----
You can f with me but you can't f with my chilren or my MONEY.
Warning: THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT
We women need to stop rescuing men. If anyone should be rescued, it should be the women. What happened to male pride in taking care of his woman??????? Is it dead? Or are women buying men? ..so THE MEN don't even have to try?
I am the princess & my man should do for me! I will be sweet & kind & loving in return. I deserve to be treated with love & respect & will expect anything less. If the relationship is not a fit, I will leave it. If a man is needing my money to pay for prior children & cannot provide for me----I will not tolerate it! Maybe this should be a chant for us all. END OF RANT
Thanks for the honesty. I
Thanks for the honesty. I have seriously contemplated running but sometimes I think I would just be running out of fear and I don't choose to live a fear based life.
I agree with you about rescuing men. I don't want to be that woman. My dilema is that over the past 1 1/2 years he has been the main provider and he took care of me. He used to wine and dine me and money was never an issue. The problem started when he switched career paths to spend more time with his daughter. He was making a lot more money but the hours weren't allowing him to see his daughter on the weekends. So he took a small paycut to have regular hours which I thought was a great thing to do as a father. This started causing all sorts of problems with the ex because then she wasn't receiving as much child support anymore.
To make things worse he jumped in to a very great potential in a new field with his best friend that could have been extremely promising but it fell through. His best friend bailed on him and layed him off. This put him in an extreme financial defeceit and jobless which is how I came to start supporting him. He returned to his former career but has to start from the ground up again which is why my finances are hurting.
Perhaps I am not being patient enough.
money
He needs to get a part time job in additon to what he had now to support himself and his kd. Separate all the accounts and don't enable him. If you aren't carefull you will just another son to tend to with a heck of a lot of expensive baggage. Sometimes I think these men prey on women who are financially stable so that you will take care of him while he gives all of his away.
YES
" Sometimes I think these men prey on women who are financially stable so that you will take care of him while he gives all of his away. "