Having concerns with boyfriend's kids
I've been with my boyfriend for six months. I'm 32 and he's 46. He has three kids. I'm divorced and have no children.
He has a 12 year old daughter -- she is the middle child (she has a 14 year-old brother and a 9-year-old brother). I feel like my boyfriend and his daughter have a strange relationship, especially when it comes to parenting her brothers. He often asks her for advice! They are very close and the daughter hangs all over him, calls him a million times a day (especially when he's with me) and writes him love letters. It's like she's his wife. Boyfriend favors her and gets her whatever she wants. She acts like she's 8 most of the time and throws tantrums and whines when things don't go her way. She also can't make any decisions without consulting her father first. I don't know --- maybe all 12 year old girls are like this?
Boyfriend says she adores me, but when I'm with her (as well as her brothers) when boyfriend isn't there, they pretend I don't even exist. However, all kids are respectful when I'm around except recently, the daughter has developed a small attitude towards me, but she talks in the same manner and tone to her father, and he gives it right back to her. I was never raised to talk to adults this way and I find it very disrespectful.
Also, none of the kids have been expected to do chores and often the house is a mess. They are always either on the computer or watching TV. They've been recently asked to do more --- we'll see how that goes.
Boyfriend and I are planning to marry and he's been pressuring me to move in with them. He has 50/50 custody. I'm deeply in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the thought of living with his kids too leaves me with so much dread.
Should I talk to boyfriend about my concerns? Should we go to counseling? I'm at a loss. I don't want to walk away from him.
I don't plan on moving in
I don't plan on moving in with him until at least a year from now or longer.
Thanks for your comment. I've thought that he's been too lenient with the kids out of guilt, but I haven't discussed the clingy-ness of his 12 year old.
We started talking about expectations last week, which is when he told the kids to start helping him clean the house and that he won't stand for their messiness any longer.
He's been divorced for about two years. He does not get along with his ex AT ALL. According to their agreement, she's supposed to pay 50 percent of expenses (mortgage, kids, etc.) and she's hardly paid a cent. I have only seen his ex twice and spoken to her once, which was a civil encounter.
YES!
Yes, talk to him. Talk to him NOW... before you get married, before you move in, talk to him NOW. What comes of that conversation may very well decide your fate and it's obviously a conversation better had now than later. If the prospect of living with his children 50% of the time fills you with dread, then you owe him, them and yourself the a whole helluva lot of careful consideration before you make a permanent commitment like this. It is easy to say "but I love him" and go ahead with the marriage, but if those feelings of dread still exist when you tie knot, I can guarantee you that the knot will be untying itself before you even get to celebrate your first anniversary. You simply must come to terms with your feelings about his children and you have to reach a consensus with him about your role and expectations as the relationship progresses. What you are seeing six months in is just the tip of the iceberg. And the size of that iceberg? Think TITANIC!
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
if you were my daughter
I would tell her to wait for 9 years or move on.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
All of you are right
I need to address these issues now before they eat away at me and I find myself in a situation that I cannot easily get out of. I will voice my concerns. Wish me luck. I think after I do, boyfriend and I won't be together.
I read some of your posts
I read some of your posts and this is what I have to look forward to? I can't imagine dating my boyfriend that long --- I really do want to build a life with him. However, his kids --- ugh.
I told my boyfriend how I felt last night and he immediately told me I was wrong, that I misinterpreted situations and that I was attacking him and his kids. He said that it's natural for 12 year olds to do this, and I told him because it's natural, doesn't mean it's right. He agreed to talk things out late last night, but it seems he will never see what I see. I'm trying to have an open mind, but very shocked at his initial reaction.
Was your boyfriend blind too? Or did he try to put an end to her behavior and it didn't work?
Married to his daughter --
Married to his daughter -- you hit the nail on the head. She even nags him if he stays out too late with me, or eats dinner late. She hounds him for things I would never even hag him about.
Last month, he and I took a trip overseas (for business and vacation) and before we left, she whined to him that she should be going instead of me --- right in front of me!
OK, he's now saying that some of what I said is accurate and he really wants to talk this out. However, I can't have every issue I have with his kids result in huge blow-outs! But he also told me that if I had children, I would see things differently.
Maybe if I already had children or my own, or didn't want children, I would consider just dating him. I really do want to have a child with him, but at this rate, it seems further and further away. I don't want to have his baby while living in separate residences.
I really feel for you and your situation. 16 is old enough to know how to act properly. It's good that you've created a separate life. Is she planning on going to college, hopefully away to college?
Do you think a parent needs to put a marriage or relationship first before their children?
OK, I'm now willing to
OK, I'm now willing to discuss things. Things got really heated last night and when he got defensive and told me I was wrong, I told him he was belittling my feelings. I think since almost a day has passed, we will have a clearer head about things.
I'm honestly not sure how BF's daughter will react to a baby. BF thinks she will be fine with it, but given her behavior with me (it got much worse ever since our overseas trip), I think she will resent the child.
If this doesn't get resolved, my heart says to move on. I really don't want that, but I can't sacrifice my sanity.
Did you ever notice...
Did you ever notice that when people get really hyper defesive about something it's because they're guilty of what they're being accused?
Nouvelle, taking what you've said into consideration so far, you should read the survey and comments on this site pertaining to "if you would/would not marry again if you knew then what you know now." You have the hindsight of hundreds of step-people on this website, take advantage and know that whatever decision you make will be well-informed. It's a looooooooong and winding road and you've already acknowledged some hazards so make sure you have the right vehicle to navigate. I'm an idiot, I chose a bike pulling a trailer full of baggage!!!
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
I'd like to ask BF the same
I'd like to ask BF the same question. Every discussion about an issue is a "personal attack!" He makes me feel guilty sometimes for even having issues because he says he never has problems with me or with my situation. Well of course he doesn't, I'm divorced with no kids!
I think it's a Self-Esteem Issue
If I make a general statement, DH hears a personal insult. I made a comment about how I was dissapointed that my BS's eyes turned brown after being blue for almost a year and DH says I told him his brown eyes were ugly. DH is extremely sensitive about any dialogue pertaining to his daughter ESPECIALLY from me. I can't even make a general statement or suggestion because I'm "insensitive and beating the issue to death" yet DH's mother and grandmother can rant on and on for days about the SD and how she's a PIA and he just listens, agrees and interjects here and there. I can't win.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
I can relate
This is how my BF of 2 1/2 yrs is completely sounds like the same situation. It is very difficult to deal with a BF that has guilt that is there from the divorce. My skids get upset if we go out to eat when they aren't with us. Then BF is always making pinky promises to MAKE IT UP TO THEM!!! Hello, I think of jumping ship and we are already living together and combining all of our expenses. I don't know how to get out of it or getting it under control so that there is an understanding, respect again respect oh boy!!
Annoying! What is there to
Annoying! What is there to make up? Is he going to take them out on dates too? How old are the BF's children? I wish you all the strength in the world.
Making up
everything. The skids are SD12 and SS10. Sorry for the repeat. OOPS
Starting the dialogue was a great move....
I agree with all the posts here that working through these issues NOW is critical. My SD is 11, some similar behaviors to your bf's daughter, though my DH did not reciprocate the behavior. With my DH, he was defensive at first, but then like your BF, began to take notice of her behavior and recognized that some of it was inappropriate. So you may have hope with this man since he is beginning to see some of what you are talking about, OR you may have a situation like Mustang's. Either way, it is far better to be finding out now.
Best of luck!
Thank you. How did your DH
Thank you. How did your DH respond to SD's behavior?
I agree, much better to find out now that this may not work, than later. He is generally a very rational person and willing to talk things through in a calm manner, but when it comes to his kids, he acts like a kid himself. I really hope we can get through this.
He just rolls his eyes and
He just rolls his eyes and sometimes he agrees to pinky promise and make it up to them..
At first, DH just did nothing....
about SD's behavior. He didn't recognize that she was being too clingy, even inappropriate at times, hanging on him, etc... And he didn't see the jealousy she had of me and how she would use his sympathy to try and manipulate him into doing things with her and not me, or sit with her instead of me, things like that. When I first pointed it out, he was like "she just loves me and misses me. She is just a little girl trying to get love from her dad." He actually never got angry at me for pointing it out, but he did not agree with me about the behavior. But as a couple more visits passed, I just asked him to watch and see if he could see it. He watched, and he started to talk with me about it, he saw that the way she was behaving was not only not healthy for us, but it is not healthy for her either. In fact, that is one way I put it that may have helped things. I told him that it is not good for his daughter to view me as competition, essentially having unnatural feelings for her father that are more like a boyfriend. I pointed out that as a girl approaches puberty, she can easily become confused if she has those kinds of feelings for her father. Anyway, that and his own observation helped him to see that it just wasn't appropriate. So, we started to discuss, together, how to address it. He laid down some boundaries with her, like sitting "next" to him on the couch, not draping herself around him like a baby. He explained that she was no longer a "little" girl, and that although he loves her just as much, it is time for some of the less mature behaviors to go by the way side. This has worked with her. Hope that helps, but now the part about asking the child for advice that your BF does, that never happened here. That is a bit disturbing, and really your BF would just need to stop confiding in her on his own. Again, I would point out to him that is not healthy for his daughter to have to process and take on adult issues.
Best of luck!
I read this post before BF
I read this post before BF and I started talking last night and it really gave me some hope - thank you! I did tell him that by confiding in her (or the boys) places too much of a burden on her. In a way, it's no wonder she's taken on a mothering role. And he agreed.
Update - We talked
Since he had the kids last night, we e-mailed our concerns back and forth and spoke on the phone after they went to bed. It went much better than expected and he was not defensive.
He did acknowledge that the way his daughter talks (dripping with sarcasm) is not appropriate with adults, but added that she talks like this to her aunts whom she loves dearly. I conceded on this issue. It baffled me why she would talk to me this way, yet BF has consistently said that she says she misses me and wants me to always stay at their house. He had a good point, since she did invite me to her Christmas party (a sleepover she's hosting with three of her friends from school). While she may not have malicious intentions in the way she talks to me, I told BF that many adults will take her tone and choice in words the wrong way.
As for the instance she whined about him taking her overseas instead of me, he said she was kidding.
On the issue of her overprotectiveness, he recognized this as well. In the past, he corrected her on her mothering, but admitted he needed to do a better job of addressing this with her.
BF said he would pay more attention on how she interacts with me, correct any improper or rude behavior and reign her in on how she mothers him.
Also, he said that he needs to better about bringing up certain issues with the kids (this was in response to my observation that he confides in his daughter). I told him that his kids do not need to know about his work issues, problems with the BM, etc.
We both agreed to go to counseling to work through our issues in differences in parenting. He will investigate some resources at work this week.
We did not discuss the girl's maturity level (not that we chose not to, we didn't have time) or the fact the kids ignore me when he's not around.
I still think there is a daddy/princess dynamic, but one issue at a time, I guess. I believe BF made a lot of strides in openly listening to me and not immediately acting like a wounded animal.
While I feel good about everything, I still feel a little uneasy -- I guess because I've read so many people's stories here and the whole process seems to grow more and more difficult.
I would like to express my gratitude to everyone who responded to my post. Knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way has helped me tremendously. I am so glad I found this site!
I don't know what to do
I tried discussing my concerns in the best way that I could with out attacking BF. After yesterday's posts I decided that I needed to talk to him about some house rules/respect for all of the children. It didn't go well at all. He was very defensive and feels like I was attacking him. He stated that the skids are putting their dishes in the sink after breakfast and this is a big improvement. He started making comments about my BD's room. I agreed that she too needed to take some accountability. We just need to take baby steps when it comes to them helping out with chores. He just thinks this will all pass after all they will be moving when they are grown. SD12, SS 10, we have a ways to go. He got mad broke the remote to the tv, cussed me out and went to bed in SS10's room. Skids weren't there but, there again my BD16 had to hear everything again. He repeated F You F You F You. I can just still hear him I am hurt and feel broken... He appologized this morning and said maybe we should go to counseling. We aren't married, we have been together for 2 1/2yrs. I am just trying to bring about some respect in our home.
Sorry to hear that. But at
Sorry to hear that. But at least he apologized and suggested counseling -- which may be a great forum to air out your concerns and differences without him thinking he's being attacked, and then attacking you. There is no reason he should be cussing you out.
While the skids are making improvements, are the chores evenly distributed among all the kids? Maybe that's another way you can go about it without singling the skids out.
I told the BF last night that there will be issues I have with his kids in the future and he can't react like he did this week. Like you, I'm trying to instill respect and I feel like I deserve it with what I've done for his kids already.
I agree
about respect and this is why I am trying to get some boundaries before I commit to this. Basically the only chores the skids have is that they are putting their dish in the sink when they are done with their breakfast. My BD however, cleans the kitchen, dusts vaccums, not constistantly but, when asked she does it. He doesn't want to have his Bkids punished as he thinks when he only has them EOW and every Wednesday... Speaking of which today is Wednesday OMG I don't want to deal with it tonight I don't even want to go home when we have problems I get the silent treatment. His ex is the disiplinarian always has been and I think he feels like that is just the way it is because SHE wants to keep the kids full time and there is no way for him to parent because they aren't in a traditional home...
OMG, he thinks they're being
OMG, he thinks they're being punished for doing chores? I'm sorry, but everyone needs to pull their own weight, no matter how long they stay in the house. He really needs to step up as a parent and start disciplining.
There is both good and bad there....
It is horrible that he cussed at you like that when you were trying to maturely discuss issues in your household, and throwing things as well, especially with your daughter around. Does he do this often, with other issues? If so, I would consider that to be a bigger issue than the behavior issues of the skids. It is not good for your daughter to witness her mother being degraded in that manner, and it is abusive to you, even if not physically. That said, if he recognizes that counseling is needed, and he is willing to go, then go. You can address the issues with all of the kids more civilly wiht a third party, and also his inappropriate emotional reactions to your concerns. If it seems that coming to a meeting of the minds on these issues is not going to happen, do not trap yourself in a marriage. Just my two cents.
Best of luck!
Thank you,
I think that we are just going to have to go to counseling he doesn't know what it is like to grow up in a step family situation. I have challenged him several times to learn more about what the skids need and what his responsiblities are. He just hasn't done it. He did send me a long email today telling me about Type A personalities and that I am not immacualte in our home and that I am just way out of bounds with wanting the house immaculate. He isn't getting it at all I just want some accountability, some help... I think that if the skids know what to expect from Dad then they will respect him and Me more.....
What!
It doesn't matter what type of personality you have, if you want a clean home, then it is what it is. No one I know would prefer to live any other way. No, unfortunately he's not understanding this. If he will back you up in this, then it will be so much easier for your skids to share in chores. Both of you need to be a united front. I think counseling is absolutely necessary (especially with his anger issues).
We really didn't speak last
We really didn't speak last night. The skids were there and I just don't even know what to do at this point. I stayed in my room he was up until after 12:00. This morning BF told me that I looked nice I said thanks and left for work. I cried last night I just don't see how this is going to work. He was all about cleaning and taking care of the skids last night though, I did notice. He tucked them into bed and told them that he loved them, he didn't come to my room to talk to me so I just tried to go to sleep... I just keep hearing the words and seeing the anger. I feel foolish to just let it go. He told me in his email yesterday he didn't mean it and I need to forgive him of his short comings. I was in a very abusive relationship before. There were signs and appologies and I accepted them when I should have been running in another direction.
sweetie
listen to your gut. Your intuition is a very intelligent entity and it is there for your protection. You should not be suffering like this---you do deserve more. This situation will probably not get much better. He's parenting from guilt & that is not easy to shake.
We are definitly going to go
We are definitly going to go to counceling. He really wants this to work he is willing to do what he can to make things right for all of us...